Divorced, health anxiety and trouble at night

[Sadlysadsad]

Weird one, bear with me.

Hideous divorce a year ago, long court battle over the kids, now I’m sorted, house of our own and life should be good.

8 years ago I had cancer and all the joys that go with that. I never really coped well with it and despite counselling etc I have never come to terms with it after. Basically I never “forget” I had it and it’s usually somewhere in my mind.

This is fine during the day, I’m busy, I have my children and work and if I get thoughts I can push them down, or do my usual thing of 5 minutes of worry then let it go.

However, now I’m alone I find it increasingly hard to do at night and it’s becoming a problem I think.

I do not miss my ex, I do not want a partner, but I’m a bit like a kid who is scared to go to bed, because that’s when the worries come.

When I was married, him being next to me was enough because someone was there and you’re not alone are you? Now I am alone and I am finding that difficult.

I don’t think counselling will work, because I’ve had all that, and I guess it’s a combination of general loneliness that you get when you divorce, emotional baggage from the relationship and all that followed when I left, health anxiety, having had cancer and just a low level fear over every aspect of being alone?

I have enjoyed Christmas, I’ve seen the chats about how let down people are by partners (been there) so it’s not nostalgia brought on by the time of year. It’s not missing him or anyone because I can’t imagine anyone sleeping in my bed ever again, but it’s something and I need to find a way to hold the night fears back, alone.

I don’t know if maybe anyone recognises what I’m feeling?

I meant to say, the way I feel is stopping me sleeping and I’m starting to feel stressed about going to bed.
Due to my cancer I am in the menopause, not peri, but actually in it, which doesn’t help.

Don't have any advice, sorry, but understand completely you're coming from. I can only offer solidarity and hope someone can come to give useful advice soon

Think you need to be pretty kind to yourself as you have been through a lot and have come out the other side like a real tough cookie.

trouble sleeping is a pretty standard menopause symptom (for many the worst symptom!) are you on/can you take HRT? Or at least speak to your doc, there might be targeted anti-anxiety drugs that can help otherwise. Good luck!

Thankyou for answering. I haven’t asked, but I doubt HRT would be recommended for me, and if it was I would feel too anxious to try it.

I’ve used Sertraline in the past, which has helped with anxiety. I’m just not sure why I’m feeling so much more anxious now?

Im shattered, but I can’t sleep, then I am up too early, but as soon as I get into bed my head starts.

Sometimes I want to go and sleep with my daughter which is ridiculous!

@Sadlysadsad sorry that you’re feeling sad & lonely. You can recognise 2 feelings straight away. There’s a ”feelings” wheel which I’ve attached, it’s useful to recognise these emotions. Call them something when you feel them. I can be Ms Impatient which makes me bitchy and irritable and Ms Lonely who’s sad, rejected and exhausted.

I say this sensitively, but I personally think you have dismissed a couple of things that may be something that should be reconsidered.

Firstly, therapy will help you. When you say you’ve done it before, was it linked to the cancer diagnosis? You’ve ultimately gone through a divorce since then. It is trauma that you’ve been through and you perhaps need a therapist to work through that with you. Life as you thought it would be, with a husband and family unit, is no more and that something you need to reflect on that with a professional and explore those feelings.

Secondly, not considering HRT because you ‘think’ you won’t be given it isn’t a reason not to look into. As PP said, sleep irritability is a big symptom of peri menopause and menopause (even with HRT) so it is definitely something to explore further with your GP. Do a sleep diary as that will help.

Go easy on yourself. Treat yourself like your own best friend. Easier said than done. There are a whole load of things I can recommend for helping sleep and being less anxious, but share with us what you’re doing so far? What is your bed time routine? What do you do before it? What times? What is your nutrition and exercise like?

Hi @Sadlysadsad - I don’t really have much advice but wanted to say I separated nearly 6 years ago and due to some things in my past have always had health anxiety. Last year I ended up nearly dying and then had a couple of major operations which has increased it again. I have a genetically high risk of cancer so also am not recommended to take HRT.

I also get this at night to varying degrees so it may not be ‘just’ menopause. I have this underlying fear that is always there - a lot of it is definitely about being alone, what would happen if I got very ill as I don’t have the support and just a general ‘fear’ of something happening at night to me or the kids I think. Having spoken to other single friends I don’t think it is that unusual, just the degree of it.

I have had various types of therapy over the years to differing levels of success. For me the one that did seem to help quite a bit was EMDR because otherwise I sort of just say what I think the therapist wants to hear ( if that makes sense). It might be worth considering trying to find someone that works for you. Also cliched but when I was able to exercise ( even just a long walk) regularly that did help ( being a single parent not always easy though and I’m not managing to atm!)

I can identify with a lot of what you say, I had similar issues when I was single.

As a short term fix have you tried falling asleep to a podcast or even having the TV on in your bedroom? So that you cut out that “alone with your thoughts” bit? I know that screens/devices in the bedroom are discourages but better than no sleep at all.

Just wanted to say that you're not alone feeling like this. I had cancer too and it didn't help that no one believed me and said my symptoms were down to anxiety so it took me a long time to get a diagnosis. I constantly feel like something bad is about to happen and even fun stuff like Christmas I sit there thinking it might be my last Christmas as I might die before next year. I barely slept last night as I was overly aware of my heart beating - I know that sounds weird but I sometimes get a fluttery feeling in my heart and then my brain convinces me I'm going to have a heart attack. Its exhausting.

I've tried counselling which helped a bit but not much. Can't take SSRIs. I do all the usual stuff like exercise, diet, mindfulness etc and it all chips away a bit but nothing takes it away.

Thankyou for answering. I had breast cancer, so even if they said I could try HRT I wouldn’t, because for me the risks are there.

I read in bed a lot, this does help me fall asleep, but I can’t tend to just go to sleep.

I can have a perfectly nice day, then once I know it’s nearly bedtime I start to feel anxious. The moment the house is in darkness and I am alone then that’s really when it starts. My youngest sometimes sleeps in with me, and rolling over and giving her a cuddle seems to ground me, but without a grounding thing I can spiral a bit.

I work term time and although I enjoy the holidays, the routine of work being removed doesn’t help a lot.

I’ve had CBT which didn’t help, I saw a clinical psychologist at the hospital, who didn’t help, I only had 6 sessions and I know by session 5 the pressure was on for me to be “cured”
I also saw a cancer counsellor, she was very good, but again, funding meant I only had X amount of sessions.
I can’t finance my own and last time I tried via the Dr it was about a years wait.

However, I’m not great at counselling. Sometimes there are flashes of real honesty, but mostly I say what they want to hear.

I don’t know the answer, I just feel very alone with all this.

The joys of divorce are I lost a lot of friends and I’ve struggled with that a lot, I now don’t have many people I can really talk to, and I’ve had to put a front on a lot. If you met me you’d describe me as funny and I talk too much, but although that’s how I used to be I feel if anyone looked deeper they would see that maybe that’s not me, maybe that’s just my frantic attempts to not go down with all this.

Try listening to something, not reading. Next best thing to having a conversation with a real person.

Antidepressants helped me enormously when I went through a similar thing to you. They've given me my life back. Have you considered them? They stopped ny mind racing and helped me get to sleep.

If you can go on HRT please consider that too, again that's helped my anxiety levels and have helped me sleep through the night.

Make a GP appointment OP, there are things to help you. Don't keep suffering.

I have used anti depressants in the past. Unfortunately my exh used this against me in family court (he was abusive) and as I am sure he will take me back again I am edgy to try them again in case it’s used as a sign I can’t cope (this is not true btw, I am a good parent/friend/employee I just sometimes need them over the last few years)

I suspect HRT would help, but I had breast cancer and I know I could never get over the risks associated. Someone recommended some collagen tablets for me for something else and I looked it up, saw the word “cancer” and wouldn’t take them either!!

Unsure if helpful but I had breast cancer a few years ago and am post-menpopause. I struggled with anxiety and insomnia etc horribly and totally recognise what you’re feeling.

I take sage capsules, b12 and vit c (ester) each day and it’s completely changed how I feel.

Poor you. Being in a situation where you are dreading going to bed sounds awful.

Magnesium citrate can be helpful for insomnia
And there are various relaxation podcasts on Spotify you could try.

Are you an animal person? If so maybe a dog or cat in your room might help.

Or a weighted blanket maybe

Does it help you sleep and be less anxious? I think all of mine comes from anxiety first, I go down a rabbit hole and it’s hard to get out of, then because I’m so tired I can’t seem to engage rational thought!!

We have a dog and a cat. The cat often sleeps with me, but the dog is still young and is a menace so I suspect not relaxing to have at night at all 😁

I am tempted to try magnesium, but I really don’t know what to try now. It’s an awful feeling, I need sleep, I need to be asleep, but I can’t.

B12 and magnesium helped my perimenopausal anxiety a lot

Do you take them as tablets? What magnesium do you take? I’m not very sure on supplements

I meant b6, sorry, I take this

Magnesium Citrate Supplement with Zinc, Vitamin B6 and D3 - High Strength 180 Capsules - 1466mg Magnesium Supplements for Women & Men - Magnesium Complex Tablets Providing 440mg Elemental Magnesium https://amzn.eu/d/bJ6FmWj

You sound similar to me, I had an acute illness 6 years ago that landed me in intensive care twice with poor survival odds. I don't tend to think about it in the day but when I wake up at night my mind immediately turns to death... even though I've had some great CBT. Perimenopause plus 3 kids and 2 dogs means unbroken sleep is rare. I find slightly boring podcasts on very low volume really helpful. I use AirPods but you can get sleepfones that are more comfortable, or even just use your speaker. I listen to things like Sean Carroll's mindscape (most of his podcasts are really interesting but his tone of voice is soothing) or the "sleep with me" podcast which took me a while to get used to but now sends me off quite quickly! It has to be just enough to divert your attention away from rumination but not quite enough to keep you awake.

This is the apple link but it should be on all the podcast platforms

podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/sleep-with-me/id740675898

Yes, through the day it’s a fleeting thought, but as soon as I get to bed Bam!

Obviously not ideal long term but when I get on a really bad sleep streak I do take some OTC sleep tablets for a couple of nights. It’s not as restful and can feel a bit groggy the next day but it does at least mean I generally sleep.

I'm so sorry, I don't have much helpful advice but wanted to offer solidarity. I am in a very similar position. Also had breast cancer (just coming to the end of my treatment now) and my husband has left me. I'm in my thirties but now menopausal and can't have HRT. I feel like so many people around me expect me to just be fine. And I do seem fine most of the time with most people. I am completely wrecked inside though. My husband judged me for having some laundry still on the airer after two weeks (he'd put it in the conservatory before he left). I hadn't even registered that it was there because my whole life is falling apart around me.

I went to a breast cancer conference a while ago and we had a talk from a dietician who specialises in breast cancer which I found very helpful. She discussed supplements and probiotics etc. I am considering paying for an online consultation with her company. I think she mentioned sending patients for a blood test and from there they discuss what might be helpful and safe for you to take. Might help a bit. I've just signed up for sessions with a PT too, with a focus on weight lifting, because I am so worried about my bones, health and premature ageing.

I avoid going to bed because I just feel so weird and I think things when I'm lying there. I do think all day too :D but my thoughts are darker and sadder at night. I end up falling asleep on the sofa every night and going up at about 1 in the morning. Then I wake at around 5 most days. I don't think it's doing me any good. I downloaded an app called balance which is free for the first 12 months. It has guided meditations, some of which are specifically geared towards waking in the night or struggling to fall asleep. I find them very helpful. It stops thoughts whirring around my mind and makes me feel much more relaxed and sleepy again.

I'm happy to chat if you'd like to direct message at all.

Not sure this will help, but can you keep the house dimly lit overnight ? I know it's recommended to sleep in the dark, but personally I don't like it and I always have nightlights on.
Ditto with noise, if the podcasts recommended aren't your thing, how about white noise or classical music?
I appreciate this isn't addressing the underlying issue, but it might make the night time less daunting.