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Original poster

Anyone else's teen struggle with chatting to relatives at xmas?

42 replies

Tappytappy123 · 26/12/2023 21:32

We took 15 year old DD to extended family's gathering this evening. She knew half the adults and DC there but DD is the eldest DC by 10 years so wouldn't want join in playing with the DC she knew.

The other DC were strangers to her, although similar age. We were only there an hour and she just sat in her chair, looking very bored. Replied politely when spoken to but didn't engage at all beyond that. The other teens knew how to listen to the adults conversation, chip in a little bit, generally looked engaged with the occasion.

I just came away feeling deflated that she looked like a sullen teen while the others seemed far more confident/able. I feel like I've let her down somewhere, haven't given her good social skills. I dont know, I just feel a bit shit about it.

OP posts:
Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 26/12/2023 21:36

My 12 year old can be a bit like this op but when l think back, l remember finding talking to some adults cringeful.

Original poster
Tappytappy123 · 26/12/2023 21:39

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 26/12/2023 21:36

My 12 year old can be a bit like this op but when l think back, l remember finding talking to some adults cringeful.

I remember it really well too, she obviously takes after me, I think I knew how to at least just sit quietly and listen without looking miserable though. How do you teach that if it doesn't come naturally? How do you push them beyond one word answers? The other teens were doing it with ease.

OP posts:
seagull82 · 26/12/2023 21:41

Maybe she has a bit of social anxiety, how is she in her everyday life, does she have and maintain friendships?
My SD Is 14 and blows my mind how confident she is (she's like her mum) My son is the complete opposite and was just like your daughter at that age.. he's nearly 22 now and is a electrician (so mostly working alone) he come out of his shell around 17/18 and has a lovely but also very shy girlfriend and a small friendship group but still likes his own company (currently training to run the London Marathon on his own)
Everyone is different and 15 is a hard age, don't be so hard on yourself.

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Original poster
Tappytappy123 · 26/12/2023 21:45

seagull82 · 26/12/2023 21:41

Maybe she has a bit of social anxiety, how is she in her everyday life, does she have and maintain friendships?
My SD Is 14 and blows my mind how confident she is (she's like her mum) My son is the complete opposite and was just like your daughter at that age.. he's nearly 22 now and is a electrician (so mostly working alone) he come out of his shell around 17/18 and has a lovely but also very shy girlfriend and a small friendship group but still likes his own company (currently training to run the London Marathon on his own)
Everyone is different and 15 is a hard age, don't be so hard on yourself.

She's got a lovely group of friends that she's had since primary, she's made some new ones along the way as well and has a few friends who are boys. It's adults that she struggles with. She's not great at eye contact with them either.

She's doing some volunteering with DofE this year so I'm hoping that'll help.

OP posts:
reluctantbrit · 26/12/2023 21:45

DD has ASD and hates small talk so we try to push for topics she can rely to. That can work quite well.

But otherwise I think it‘s a mix of trying to teach her to be polite and engage for 15 minutes and then being allowed to go off, find a quite space and have her headphones with her.

myphoneisbroken · 26/12/2023 21:45

My introverted 15 year old was just the same today. I actually thought he did pretty well. It was the last place he wanted to be, and he put a brave face on it. Don't worry OP, those kind of skills just come later for some people.

Hellocatshome · 26/12/2023 21:46

My DSs 16 and 13 didn't talk much to my relatives on Christmas day but due to the fact despite being retired not one of them has bothered themselves with the kids at any time during their lives they are practically strangers so I didnt really blame them.

Tempnamechng · 26/12/2023 21:50

It's just practise. Encourage her to stand with you whilst you mingle and probably encourage her to spend more time with adults in general. Both of mine went through this and its very normal.

mindutopia · 26/12/2023 22:08

I mean, I’m a 40 year old adult and I hate chatting with extended family at Christmas. I’ve been grumpily trying to hide from them for 5 days now.

festivetinseling · 26/12/2023 22:11

I remember having to engage in polite chit-chat with relatives, and always found it excruciatingly dull, tiresome and and awkwardly embarrassing. To be honest, that is probably far more normal for teens than the ones you encountered today who were adept at it. It is a skill that does come, sooner with some teenagers than with others. I wouldn't worry - if you make a 'thing' about it, then it might have the reverse effect and make matters worse.

LilyLemonade · 26/12/2023 22:16

Social skills can definitely be learnt, so encourage her to ask a few questions of others as well as just respond, and make herself useful at social events (offer drinks, clear plates etc). - it’s a way to be involved in the event while not having to directly engage in conversation.
Dont feel bad about it though, many teens are similar.

theduchessofspork · 26/12/2023 22:19

Don’t be too hard on yourself or her, it’s a tricky age.

Just work on building her skills up. (Slowly).

Original poster
Tappytappy123 · 26/12/2023 22:21

Thanks everyone. You've all made me feel much better about it.

OP posts:
Boomboom22 · 26/12/2023 22:21

Ask your mum if you really did know how to sit and not look miserable, I'd guess not. If she was polite when spoken to I think its fine.

SeaToSki · 26/12/2023 22:21

How would she respond if you gave her some easy prep questions and ideas about topics she could talk about that the relatives would be interested in (like talking about her D of E stuff) in the car on the way over. Maybe brief her on someones latest hobby so she knows she could ask about it and the conversation would last a bit etc etc. Maybe she just needs some encouragement. Then when you get there, maybe throw in a few priming questions, granny, here is DD, she just finished her D of E skill last week, etc

museumum · 26/12/2023 22:24

At 15 I wouldn’t worry but I would try to get her to do a pt or holiday job in the next year or two 16-17 as I think that really helps teens with confidence and acting in a more “adult” role in society.

mangochops · 26/12/2023 22:26

I can talk the hind legs off a donkey and can talk to literally anyone. But, I was the same at that age. I remember cringeworthy conversations with elderly relatives where they kept asking me “have you got a BOYFRIEND??!!” or similarly embarrassing questions that made me want the ground to open up and swallow me.

To a teen, a lot of these conversations will feel embarrassing and intrusive. It’s akin to trying to chat to a 90 year old about their favourite rap artist and then wondering why you aren’t getting much back in the way of conversation.

muchalover · 26/12/2023 22:27

After my abusive marriage ended I had no social skills. I had spent two decades hiding from him and everyone. I had to learn how to make small talk if I was to change things. I started by talking in non threatening places like queues by complimenting other women or saying something to a child with their mum. I had to practice.

Now I have delivered a speech at a national conference. I chair meetings and make recommendations in meetings. But I had to want something different and begin somewhere.

If she doesn't want things to change you can't make her.

I support my DGS to pay for things so he can interact with "strangers". He's 5 but has to start somewhere 😀

43ontherocksporfavor · 26/12/2023 22:29

I’d say the other ‘sociable’ teens were more unusual than your DD. Especially with other teens around that she doesn’t k ow, it would be all about looking ok in their eyes.

PlantsFallLikeDominoes · 26/12/2023 22:34

It's practice and also I used to give my teens things that they could talk about. So on the way to places I'd remind them that aunty so and so bought a new house and to ask her if she likes it, are the neighbours nice etc. It comes natural to them now but it didnt when younger.

ChristmasEvemaddness · 26/12/2023 22:47

@muchalover that's so inspiring.
Op I asked my 16 yo to chat to visitors arriving whilst I got food ready I was on my knees.
She suddenly burst into tears and couldn't help at all and was pretty silent.

ChristmasEvemaddness · 26/12/2023 22:47

@PlantsFallLikeDominoes I try and do that but I'm looked at like the devil by my quiet dh and dds

MikiSu · 26/12/2023 22:52

Is there a person that you're missing?

PlantsFallLikeDominoes · 26/12/2023 22:52

Have you explained that it comes across rude to not engage with the other guests?

Paddleboarder · 26/12/2023 22:56

That's pretty normal behaviour from a teenager that age. My eldest was like that and hated that kind of occasion because he felt awkward, but he's extremely chatty now that he's older and seems to enjoy family gatherings. My youngest is now like it instead and again I'm sure it will pass. I think it is just social awkwardness when chatting with adults or people outside their peer group that they don't often see.