Anyone else's teen struggle with chatting to relatives at xmas?

[Tappytappy123]

We took 15 year old DD to extended family's gathering this evening. She knew half the adults and DC there but DD is the eldest DC by 10 years so wouldn't want join in playing with the DC she knew.

The other DC were strangers to her, although similar age. We were only there an hour and she just sat in her chair, looking very bored. Replied politely when spoken to but didn't engage at all beyond that. The other teens knew how to listen to the adults conversation, chip in a little bit, generally looked engaged with the occasion.

I just came away feeling deflated that she looked like a sullen teen while the others seemed far more confident/able. I feel like I've let her down somewhere, haven't given her good social skills. I dont know, I just feel a bit shit about it.

It took me til I was about 26 to realise you sometimes just need to talk mindless rubbish. No, you probably don't care whether your aunt's neighbours at her new house are nice or not but it's good to show and interest and the more you move the conversation on, the better chance you have of discussing something interesting. It's so obvious but I really hadn't realised it. I'd try desperately to think of something interesting enough to say.

My DC2 is a similar age and is getting better at random chit-chat. Volunteering at an organisation where almost all the other volunteers are retired men has definitely helped her appreciate that no-one minds what she says and that asking other people questions is an excellent way to look sociable without the focus having to be on her. Realising that a conversation doesn't have to be interesting to her in order to be worth having has been useful too.

I wish l knew the answer but l will follow this thread with interest to get some tips!!

Please don't do this. I was an anxious tongue tied teen with a DM who expected me to make polite conversation. The more she told me I was rude the harder it became.

If teens are struggling help them. Reach out to them be asking questions (but don't interrogate them) and give them opportunities to develop their social skills.

My teens struggled to have a normal conversation full stop. Teens are like that, they grunt and gurn. Mine all grew up to be completely normal adults.

I suspect volunteering will help a lot, and you may well find that those other teens have part time jobs or something. Most teens don’t have to talk to adults (outside of parents, teachers) all that often. Social skills are skills like any other - they take time and practice. She’ll get there.

Objectively speaking how much were the adults bothering to even try and engage them in a positive way?

Adujts can be very patronising and often due right rude towards teens and often I have felt sorry for the kids known as sullen not because they are socially inept but because they seem bullied into politely ignoring completely unacceptable behaviour from their relatives

She sounds like me as a teenager but I am still internally like this as an adult, will speak a lot and I’m confident enough if it’s people I know well but the idea of a room of strangers is my worst nightmare. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, teenagers are generally just a bit awkward at family gatherings! I wouldn’t worry, it’s better that than not knowing when to shut up I’d say

I agree with this^. I’m quite talkative and always have been but really struggled with my relatives at this age. I found them boring and mostly disagreed with them about everything. It wasn’t a teen thing, it’s the same now 30 years later. I stopped going to extended family gatherings at about 16. At 14-15 I would go, took a book and read quietly in a spare room (olden days before mobile phones and iPads).

When my DD started work she hated answering the phone. It hadn’t really crossed my mind but they grew up without a landline so never answered a call from a stranger!! My dad was a salesman and all his calls came at home so I was adept with the notepad on the ‘telephone table’ and taking messages from around 13. They shop more online , buy tickets online so have fewer human interactions at that age so is it any wonder they can be more awkward!

I remember cringeworthy conversations with elderly relatives where they kept asking me “have you got a BOYFRIEND??!!”

Uncle had a SIL who without fail would ask teenage me if I was 'courting.' Courting, getting married and having babies was her sole topic of conversation. She was a lovely woman but blimey, her small talk was limited. DM would shut her down with a brisk 'No, Brenda, she's got exams to get over with first.'

My dc were like this but I told them to always answer positively if they can and add something to their answer and maybe ask one back.

For example -
Hi. How are you?
Good thanks. Im glad it's the holidays. How are you?

Or

How's school?
Good thanks. We're playing football this term and im enjoying that.

They're now quite good at interacting with adults they're not that familiar with.

Surprised at how few people remember being a sullen teenager who didn't want to make small talk with older relatives.

In most of these scenarios the adults make no effort to talk to the teenager about what they're actually interested in, instead preferring a series of generic but simultaneously intrusive questions. Teenagers don't want to talk about their schoolwork or love lives. Perhaps the lack of social skills lies with the adults.

Yes, the year 8s at school often say they feel hated by random adults. Groups of the girls have started smiling and saying nice things to the people they see in an effort to show teenagers are human too. They do feel quite affronted by the assumption they are mean.

In most of these scenarios the adults make no effort to talk to the teenager about what they're actually interested in, instead preferring a series of generic but simultaneously intrusive questions. Teenagers don't want to talk about their schoolwork or love lives. Perhaps the lack of social skills lies with the adults.

How are the adults supposed to know what the teenagers find interesting, if they don't open their mouths and tell yhem? 'How's school?' is a conversation starter, as you might say 'How's work?' to someone you hadn't seen for a while.

There's a nasty (typically Mumsnet) ageist undertone to some of the posts on this thread. I'm sure all these teenagers like to think they are tolerant and inclusive. Well, being tolerant and inclusive means making a bit of an effort with people you find boring and cringey, not sitting there with a face on, or sloping off to another room.

My parents were not very social (both shy) and I was shy too. Didn't see many adults to talk to but when I did I was like that. They did not know how to talk to me either! Just asked me about school. Not the best topic as I absolutely loathed school but there you go....

I've never made any of the teens in my family speak to me beyond the common niceties. As much as I didn't know what to say to them (and didn't want to come across as a boring old bag) I didn't want them to struggle like I did at that age. It seems to have worked as we have some good conversations now everyone is older.