Struggling to accept my children having a "broken home"

[LaahDeeDah]

Husband and I are breaking up, its what he wants. I will move out with the kids in a few months. I feel depressed. I feel like he doesn't understand how this will affect the kids. He's one of those men who only understands something if he sees it or it directly effects him.
I struggled through Xmas day yesterday, we were hosting. I had to go upstairs for a cry at one point.
Kids don't know yet.
I feel like the break up will make his life a lot easier and will make my life a lot harder. And will make the kids life worse, they will have less attention and a lower quality of life.
I have felt more OK about it all but seem to be having a wave of feeling awful about it now.

I'm not sure if I'm perimenopausal. I've been pestering my GP about all sorts of other stuff so can't add another thing to it.

I need to get back into regular exercise as that's my natural antidepressant but that's slipped in the run up to Xmas...probs why I feel so bad now. But also I doubt I will be able to keep up the exercise with the new routine I'll have to have when we move out. I don't know how I will cope.

I feel like I'm supposed to be grateful that husband has not been abusive or cheated on me. But he just seems incapable of being anything other than self centred and selfish.

Thanks for reading. Any reply will be appreciated 🙂

Op, I mean this gently, and I am sorry your marriage is ending, but I’m sure your husband does understand, but he should not stay in an unhappy marriage. The children will be fine, if you both work hard to co parent and ensure the indivual homes are happy.

i am taking from this, you don’t wish to split up, and that’s fine, but don’t try to use your kids as the reason, they will be fine.

Try to look at it like this: would you prefer your children to live surrounded by an unhappy marriage and a self centred, selfish father (your words)

Or would you rather them be in a happier environment?

Because those are your two choices. Try not to compare those with other people's (apparent) situation.

Also Christmas is an emotional time, be kind to yourself. It's perfectly normal to feel the way you do. I'm also perimenopausal and dealing with different family stresses and I had to take myself off for some quiet and calm yesterday when it all got a bit much.

All the best for 2024

Don't worry about your dcs, they will be fine if you just let them get on with their relationships with you both.

I grew up with parents who stayed together but were unhappy, and it was an utter misery. I couldn't leave home fast enough.

You may be sad that your marriage is ending but it needn't affect your dcs at all. Just make sure they know you both still love them, and co-parent amicably in front of them.

It isn't easy but if you feel bitter, save it for when your dcs aren't there.

Honestly they will be fine.

Very gently, you need to reframe your thoughts around what the future will be - because you control that.

There is nothing "broken" about my home, my dd is a happy, well adjusted, thriving child. My life actually got easier in many ways - the sheer weight of an unhappy marriage is noticeable only once it is lifted. DD has two happy parents who love her, and has hobbies with each.

Coparenting well is key.

We are ALL happier now.

You need to remember to think about how things would pan out long term if you stayed together. What would happen when the kids leave home, what would happen when you retire and how would 'old age' be with someone who is self centred and selfish. 🫤 How would your kids deal with that? How would you deal with that? You husband won't change.

It's best to split now. What you and your husband could do is make it a smooth and easy as possible. It's possible to work together even if you are splitting.
I'm saying that as someone who hasn't split though but I've seen 'good' breakups in friends who have divorced.

I feel like the break up will make his life a lot easier and will make my life a lot harder

Sadly this tends to be true. The children will be okay though, it's infinitely better to have two amicable parents in their lives than to spend their entire existence in a toxic and unhappy home. It'll take some adjusting for sure, there'll certainly be pluses and minuses; but sadly the perfect happy home isn't an option anymore, it's either unhappy home which will affect them or adapting to a new way of life.

It’s such early days and you’re feeling a ton of emotions. This is totally understandable. It’s difficult and even if you know logically it’s the right thing, it’s painful and scary and unsettling.

i promise it gets better though. I honestly felt like I couldn’t breathe some days when my marriage first ended. I took life an hour at a time, just trying to get through my days.

Four years on, my kids are absolutely fine. So am I. You will be too. Be gentle with yourself, as much as you can. Better times are coming.

I'd echo this which is also my experience. I've never used the sort of negative, emotive language like "broken home" or failed marriage. I find it strange that people still see it that way these days (although I appreciate you are emotional, OP)

I feel like the break up will make his life a lot easier and will make my life a lot harder

that’s generally the case. Man gets to carry on as normal, cannot have his children when he is working as he cannot possibly be expected to organise childcare, man cannot be expected to make any career sacrifice because penis etc etc.

however, you could sit down with him with a plan that doesnt screw you over quite so badly directly for the next decade, then as a result of the loss of career progression and pension contributions, for life.

The only way his life gets easier is if he backs off from being a parent and becomes the fun uncle who has them a few weeks a month. Dont start with that as standard.

So you start with thinking about a rough plan together that allows you both to continue to progress at work equally. What time would be involved at each household so both of you have the opportunity to work? What costs would be involved in wrap around childcare? What commitments do the children have and how you both ensure they continue? What opportunities the children may have and how you both meet them? How do you fund school holiday activities and childcare? How do you split the time? Follow up with minutes in an email.

do not start with the expectation that your life ends and his begins.

you cannot force him to parent, but he will have to face that he chose to refuse time and responsibility for himself.

Staying for the sake of the kids is very old fashioned and doesn’t help the kids, just causes more issues. Hopefully the GP will give u HRT and u will see that it’s for the best.

This is a brilliant post and OP you should
do exactly this. He is choosing to end the relationship, well you both get a say in how you move forward.
Can I ask why you have to leave the house instead of him? Do you both own it?

I feel a lot of grief coming through which is natural but also a process and as you say you're not moving out for a few months, by then you'll have had time to process what's happening and prepare mentally.

As others have said your children will be just fine but so will you be in time, the unknown can be a bit scary at first but once you've got your new home it will feel a little less daunting.
Allow yourself time to hurt and to heal and look to the future with an open mind.
I'm sorry you're going through this but you deserve to be loved and a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be there will never give either of you any satisfaction.

Your DC will be coming out of a broken home.

They will be happier and so will you. You can't see it now because it's not in motion and not everyone knows. It's a difficult ending but I promise you it will be better. Please don't forget you have rights and make sure you consult with a good, experienced lawyer. You will get through it and this time next year you will feel immeasurably more positive in life.

There are lots of family that are together that are broken.

Unhappy parents living in one home or happy yet separate parents in two homes - which is better?

My parents split when I was 4. The only things I remember from then being together are the explosive rows and that odd feeling of something not being "right" when they weren't. They split, and I know we spent some time living at different houses before my mum bought a home of her own, but it was calmer and felt safer.

This really sucks for you and I am sorry but it doesn't mean your children will come from a broken home. It means they will have two homes.

I am trying to leave my H now. He has told me I am selfish for wanting DS to come from a broken home and to only want to see him half of the time. I believe it's better to not live with someone you don't get along with or want the same things as.

Money will be extremely tight but it will be better for everyone.

Does he expect to be absolved of all parenting duties when you and the kids vacate? Surely he should be having his children 50% of the time, in which case your life should be easier, not harder

The main thing kids need when a break up happens is to know they are loved by both parties and to have a consistent routine so they understand when the are going to see each parent.

It's perfectly possible for kids to come through divorce unscathed if both parties treat each other respectfully and work together to establish a sensible routine. (Saying this as a child of divorced parents. I honestly don't feel it impacted me that much.)

If you are both unhappy and you are both selfish then staying together is surely the thing creating a broken home??
I have left and fixed my home for my kids.
Using the term broken home is emotionally manipulative and unfair.
I am sorry OP but you need to quietly spend some time working on this yourself before it affects your kids. As it will.
No one should stay with someone else when they are unhappy.

How old are your kids OP? From my experience (child of parents who have both been married and divorced several times) the younger they are the better. Once the children are in their teens it’s much, much more problematic. People who think it doesn’t affect the kids are kidding themselves.
You will be fine. But if it’s inevitable, then the sooner you can do it for the kids the better.

It'd hard breaking up at this time of year.

Your soon to be ex sounds selfish and your better off without him.

It's the time to concentrate on a future for you and your children.

Make sure you have strong boundaries put in place with your exhusband and put your self first.

Why have your kids got to move out of their home ? Why can't he ?

Why are the kids moving out? Why are you going? If it’s 50/50 the kids don’t technically have to move out either. I’d make him do 50% and all that it entails.

It's not a "broken home" for goodness sake. 50% of marriages end up in divorce nowadays. It's hard, sure, and it's not what anybody wants but it's far from unusual. Statistically half of your children's friends will be in the same situation.

If he wants to leave I think he should move out though rather than make the children leave their home. Can you afford the house by yourself?

Was there a discussion around ending the relationship or did he just decide? If he's made a firm decision there's nothing you can do, you can't and shouldn't force a family. Have you discussed how childcare will be split? Write a list of practical Q's and focus on how to build the best new life for yourself. The kids home is 'broken' and lives won't be ruined. Why are you leaving the home and not him?