Struggling to accept my children having a "broken home"

[LaahDeeDah]

Husband and I are breaking up, its what he wants. I will move out with the kids in a few months. I feel depressed. I feel like he doesn't understand how this will affect the kids. He's one of those men who only understands something if he sees it or it directly effects him.
I struggled through Xmas day yesterday, we were hosting. I had to go upstairs for a cry at one point.
Kids don't know yet.
I feel like the break up will make his life a lot easier and will make my life a lot harder. And will make the kids life worse, they will have less attention and a lower quality of life.
I have felt more OK about it all but seem to be having a wave of feeling awful about it now.

I'm not sure if I'm perimenopausal. I've been pestering my GP about all sorts of other stuff so can't add another thing to it.

I need to get back into regular exercise as that's my natural antidepressant but that's slipped in the run up to Xmas...probs why I feel so bad now. But also I doubt I will be able to keep up the exercise with the new routine I'll have to have when we move out. I don't know how I will cope.

I feel like I'm supposed to be grateful that husband has not been abusive or cheated on me. But he just seems incapable of being anything other than self centred and selfish.

Thanks for reading. Any reply will be appreciated 🙂

Probably not a popular view here but I do feel like MN tends to minimise the impact divorce and separation has on children. YANBU, @LaahDeeDah . I am sorry.

Sitting around moping and being miserable doesn't help the kids though. It's a difficult situation that you have to make the best of.

I’m not sure his life will be easier - I mean he’ll have to do 50/50 shared care - he’ll have to do the life admin, washing ironing cooking and enetertaining the kids.

You on the other hand have lost one extra person to cater for in more ways than one.

im from a single parent family. Our home was happy and filled with laughter and fun. We weren’t broken.

Who says he will have the dcs 50/50?

I mean this man is already happy to stay in the marital home and see the OP and her dcs move out….

@LaahDeeDah I get where you are coming from.

And yes it’s likely things are going to be harder fir you than fir him.
Yes it’s shit to see your life throw upside down and so radically changed when you’re not the one driving it.
And yes divorce can be hard fir kids.

However, I think you are in the hardest part of the situation. No one knows so you have little support and you need to carry in pretending.
You still have to play the nice little wife, carry all the mental load, housework etc etc fir him.
You can’t fully take control of your life - eg decide if a new routine.

I have to say, I agree about the fact taking control of what’s going on would help. There are things you can do (like stopping doing his washing and ironing).
If you haven’t already, get a lawyer to know exactly what you can get or not (incl you moving out if the house). You need to start concentrating on creating YOUR life rather than a life fir you and him iyswim. It will look much easier for him to do that - because he has taught about it fur a while and has taken the decision!

I get you Op, I felt the same when my marriage ended. I felt like we had failed our children but a few years down the line and they are OK.
I don't agree that there is little impact on the children. Ours have definitely been affected but we have worked hard to be amicable and they are less affected that they could have been. And less affected than if we had stayed together.

My exH definitely had an easier time of it and moved on more easily but he always would have done because that's how he is and part of the reason we were incompatible.
The fact is, if one person has checked out of a marriage then it is over. It's hard especially at this time of year when 'perfect happy families' are rammed down your throat, but, as pp have said, you will be OK.

The best thing you can do is try to keep the lines of communication open and be as amicable with your husband as you can. Your children will be Ok in the long run if you and he put them and their welfare first.

PS please confide in someone, a close friend or family member. It's a lot to carry on your own and you need to start getting emotional support to help you through.
I can imagine how hard yesterday was for you, I went through a similar Christmas experience and remember hiding in the bedroom and having a cry. It's tough but you did it and your survived which tells you that you are strong enough for what is to come. Start by finding yourself some emotional support as soon as you can xxx

As some have already mentioned your kids are already in a broken home, despite you still being married. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that kids don’t pick up on the negativity and unhappiness of their parent’s relationship, which will affect them too. Why would you want to continue to be married to someone who doesn’t want to be married to you? You deserve to be happy too.
I know that it’s early days but you need to concentrate on the future and how you handle the separation/divorce. How you both deal with this is what will affect your kids.
Better for them to see two happy, fulfilled divorced parents than miserable, resentful married ones. Believe me, I know!

I feel for you OP. I agree whole heartedly with everything you have said. All these people saying the kids will be fine, have no idea if they will be fine or not. Many of the people I know who have deep rooted issues openly say it stems from their parents divorce. I’m not trying to make you feel worse but I think you have made very valid points and your concerns shouldn’t be minimised.

However it does sound like it’s been your DH calling the shots and I think you need to take control and ensure you’re not stitched up. Tell him that it’s 50/50 and you’re not breaking up the family and making your kids move out of the family home so he can lead the bachelor life with his feet up. Time to fight back.

My child does not live in a broken home, she lives in a happy one full of love. It was arguably 'broken' when it contained a relationship with people who don't love or like each other any more.

I am pissed off by very little, but the 'broken home' trope really gets me.

Remember the comparison is vs a miserable house where the husband (in this situation) is unhappy. The happy nuclear household isn't one of the available options.

Do you really think it’s better to “stay together for the kids” when mum and dad are constantly fighting( physically or verbally)? What do you think that does to a child’s self esteem? security?

I hate it too.

This home is not broken. My marriage was, irrevocably. But that’s not the same thing.

I split from my husband 6 months ago and the reality is it’s incredibly hard but my home is by no means broken. My children are ok, my home is happier and calmer than ever before and I feel positive about the future. This isn’t necessarily how I feel right now though. Christmas has been very emotional, the run up felt like it went on forever. Be kind to yourself and work out what it is you want the next step to look like. Not anything longer term as it’s terrifying and will likely change as you start to heal. You’ll be ok and so will your children.

@Fififafa i think there are far too many variables to answer that decisively one way or another. I do know that separation can be the right thing. It doesn’t mean that children always see it that way.

Think of it as your children having a happy, secure home, once the separation is accomplished, with at least one parent who isn't completely selfish. These are advantages, not disadvantages, for the children.

Make sure you get a good solicitor who will ensure your H doesn't walk away from his responsibility toward the children.