Any other childless people finding it tough?

[DuvetLaundry]

Lying in bed having a cry because I desperately want a baby and a family.

It’s “too soon” for him to be sure he wants to commit to you (with marriage) but it’s not too soon for him to ask you to sell your flat. Seems like he’s seeing this as an opportunity to get on the property ladder.

IMO a 35 year old man if he met the love of his life and was completely smitten with her, he wouldn’t say 18 months of relationship was too soon to propose. Id say he’s just not 100% certain about you. What more does he want to bloody know.

In regards to selling the flat just say when things are more serious then that’s would be the time to consider selling your flat.

In the meantime, focus on you - elevate yourself as much as you can and if you meet someone else while he is busy not being sure about you, too bad!!!

@DuvetLaundry - I'm sorry you're feelin' sad - may I invite you to try the Christmas Puzzle on the main thread.
I hope you enjoy it - I enjoyed making it!
With best wishes - Dan

How would he propose when you’re not even spending Christmas together? In fact why would he propose if your relationship doesn’t stretch to shared christmases?

Most people we know dated for 5-7 years before a proposal and kids came at least 8-10 years after you first meet. Those who met in their 30s did speed it up a bit, but at least 3-4 years from dating to having a baby. Also to be brutally honest, all the relationships where there was a semi-surprise baby very early on (1-2 years), didn't end well.

A baby is not just for the holidays, especially if one side of the relationship is not fully convinced. There are 364 others days of the year which are very difficult, very full-on and relentless. The stress of that doesn't compensate for the few "magical" moments over the festive season. Also, am 100% certain that all those rosy Instagram pictures people post are taken in between swearing, shouting, crying, coughing and sneezing.

Hi @DuvetLaundry I am same age and at 23 gave up trying. Too many miscarriages and damage to my health. Surgery to ensure I couldn't conceive again. Husband was devastated. Rapid divorce. Long periods of celibacy and singledom.
We are all slightly different and cope in different ways or maybe we don't cope very well. Perhaps being not sure is why I am on MN?

OP, don't. Just don't.
He's 'future-faking' when he says 'maybe the year after next or the year after that'. It will be followed by 'Just another couple of years', you'll be into IVF and he'll have a 24 year old up-duffed on the side.
Leave him now. Look for a man who loves you and wants life with you now, not some time in the distant future.
Do not sell your flat. Do not buy with him until/unless you are married. He's just looking for someone to buy property with. Marriage first. (My guess is, he won't want to do that). Don't sell your flat at all - it will become a shared deposit, he'll be entitled to half when you (inevitably) split.
If you want a baby, plan to do it alone. Stay in your flat. Keep your job. Get donated sperm. Don't tie yourself to this man because he doesn't put you first. He really doesn't.

I personally think 18 months into a relationship is early to be crying over desperately wanting a baby, and if I were him I would be put off by that.

Either way, be clear that you won't be selling your flat or house hunting or looking at joint mortgages until a date has been set for your wedding and invitations sent. It sounds like he wants the bits that suit him and is less keen on the things that you want most. Doesn't mean you can't both compromise happily, but you need to be clear to him about what you will and won't give up.

I totally agree with all of this (I’m sorry to say).

Please don’t let this man talk you into buying a property together. I imagine that he needs your equity and salary to achieve his first house purchase….. otherwise he no doubt would not still be renting.

Also, I think 18 months is plenty long enough to know if he wants to fully commit to marriage and a family with you, particularly given you both being in your thirties now, and especially him at 35.

I hope for a good outcome for you OP, but atm, your partner seems to want to have his cake and eat it.

My inclination here would be to rent your respective properties out and live together for a while first (or rent one out and move in to one property). I think deciding to get married or have a baby is a massive decision. You may hate living with him and then you have a proper nightmare on your hands unpicking a joint mortgage.

It's been said before but it's so true - having a baby together is like throwing a hand grenade into a relationship. You need to be on very solid ground to survive the aftershocks. Obviously it's a wonderful thing to do, but if you are having children with someone else you need to make sure you are both 100% committed and are in a very stable, honest relationship.

I think you need to have a heart to heart with your DP and tell him exactly how you feel. Don't sweep these feelings under the carpet; it's important that he knows how you are feeling about his timeline.
And I agree with the pp - don't sell your flat yet.

Just get pregnant from a ons etc

🙄🙄🙄

I'm sorry you're in this place OP.

I was in a similar one years ago. I realised that it was my XH who was effectively preventing me from the family I desperately wanted. I divorced him, met someone else and my DC are both in their mid 20s now!

Don't compromise on your dream. If someone is holding you back then you may have to make the same difficult decision. Life is too short.

I lost my children to my abusive and narcissistic ex husband when I left. Every Christmas is so painful and my new DP and I have been TTC for two years to no avail.

so yes I get you :(

I cannot comment about wanting a child as I'm child free but if you decide to sell your flat and go all in with him in a house, please protect the money you put on and buy as tenants in common. Is there any reason he cannot move into your flat with you until you decide to buy?

I cannot imagine buying a house with a man before living with him, I like to 'try before I buy' as such.

Having read through the full post. I don’t think you’re in the right time in the relationship to be TTC. Live together and build a life/memories together make sure you’re 100% good together then start trying, I think he’s the one with his head screwed on

You're 31 and still young enough to find someone that really really wants a family too and isn't stringing you along.

I was 32 when I met my husband. We both really wanted children and cracked on with it.

I'm 36 now, will be 37 in February.

I have 3 children, 2 toddlers and a newborn.

I'm not saying this to brag, I'm saying this to tell you there is hope, but you must do it with a man who's also desperate for a family.

Noooo don't sell your flat

Wouldn't sell flat either until a wedding date is set. Many women duped even by the engagement ring, and never get married. Don't mean to be a spoil sport, but if he can't see children and a future with you soon, it's probably him delaying for himself. He is hardly at the start of his life. If he had no job and starting a career, I could see where he is coming from.

How he can't commit to an engagement but wants to commit to buy property together?

He is using you to buy a house. Likely his deposit won't match the cost of your property. Do not sell your property until you're married.

Surely at mid -30's 18 months is long/enough time to know if he loves you or not and make an engagement, maybe not to have kids yet but at least to engage. He is just making you waste time and using you.

After 35 your fertility decreases greatly, and for now there's no assurance that in 2 years he will be willing to have a child.

I agree with other posters saying you are young enough to find someone else and still have time for kids etc. In the 2 years you wait for him to maybe want a baby, you could have met someone keen on you and ready to commit. Rather than someone seemingly being forced into it

I agree, @Agustus . At 35, he’s old enough to know what he wants and not be putting it off. Everyone I know who met in their early 30’s moved ahead quickly if they both wanted marriage and children.

You have plenty of time to have a family , OP, but I wouldn’t waste it on this man, he’s not on the same page as you. DON’T buy a property with him.

OP I'm sorry but he's future faking and isn't that into you. He's stringing you along because he's getting a reward (probably sex) for keeping you around while he avoids commitment. He doesn't even want Christmas with you! Find someone who wants what you want. This man won't make a good father if he's not ready to even spend Christmas with you at 35!

Don't waste all your fertile years on this guy then wake up one day when it's too late and realise it was all lies and you still don't have that baby!

“Being engaged” means nothing - in relation to property. It has no legal status or value so I’m unsure what that adds to the house issue.

More importantly- he is your boyfriend, you don’t even live together, or spend Christmas together.

You are in entirely different places.

OP I would personally recommend you do some fertility testing, it will give you some indication as to whether you do need to really hurry. Don’t mean to cause alarm but I thought at 33 we had plenty of time, turned out I have very limited ovarian reserve and low chances of conceiving, naturally or otherwise.
Either way, you need to have a really open conversation with your partner. I wouldn’t sell your flat without commitment, but lots of good advice on that on this thread already. Just wanted to add my pov on fertility, you might have years and years to wait for him, or meet someone else, but you might not. I really wish I’d tested earlier.