Any other childless people finding it tough?

[DuvetLaundry]

Lying in bed having a cry because I desperately want a baby and a family.

I don't think 18 months is that long together? Are you being very pushy about kids and marriage?

Honestly @DuvetLaundry just sack him off. If you want marriage and babies this is not the man for you. Do not waste any more years on him.

I speak as a more mature woman who has seen this scenario many times.

He has a deposit but is currently renting. We are on roughly equal salaries (5k difference). He seems very into house hunting for us but I’m just so confused now.

I’m very reluctant to sell my flat without a wedding in the visible future. I couldn’t afford to buy anything similar in this market.

Presumably the equity you’d bring from your house sale would be much greater than the deposit he’s saved? I may be doing him a great disservice but I hope he’s not just seeing you as a source of funds for his first house purchase …

He’s told you that he thinks it’s too soon to get engaged. That means that you are rushing him.

If you don’t live together and didn’t spend Christmas together, it’s too soon to be getting engaged and planning to try for a baby in the next year or so.

I appreciate that you want to get married and have babies but you can’t let yourself rush into them because of your age/it feels like everyone around you is doing it x

I don't think you and your DP are on the same page. I sort of don't blame him only 18 months in, but equally considering you're 30s he doesn't appear to have made any kind of commitment, not even living together? I think you need to ask yourself OP if you realistically can wait around for him, it sounds brutal, but if he wanted a future with you he'd have moved in with you by now in the very least. It sounds like he is biding time for something else.

You're misrepresenting the situation OP.

It's still a new enough relationship, you don't live together, and if he was talking about having a baby before living together & having a house together, that would be ridiculous.

You need to be clear with him about your priorities ie marriage and children. And see where he is at.

Are you sure you are both seeing the relationship in the same way?

This isn't about Christmas being hard because you don't have a baby; you're in a relationship & you need to address what are priorities for you in that, directly with him.

Sorry I think you're being unreasonable here. Dp hasn't done anything wrong, at all. He's been up front with you at least. He hadn't ruled out trying for a family, he's just been honest about his time line. You've only been together 18m ffs !
Those women who cry because dp didn't propose on Xmas day/ Valentine's Day, largely end up being single in my experience.

I would never buy anywhere with someone without living together first. Also why 2026? It sounds like he doesn't want kids at all and is fobbing you off. I met dh in 2015 and by 2018 we had our first child and the wanting kids chat was first brought up by him. When men want something they do it. My sympathies to you op. Before I had my kids I had that deep longing too

I just desperately want a baby and I want that with him.

It’s hard op, my sympathies. Our biological urge for babies is so strong! But we have to be sensible too, and think long term. Babies are babies for a very short time. They are preteens and teens for much longer. You don’t want to get in a muddle financially- that’s why it’s a good idea to live together, get married and by a house in that order.( Unless you are much wealthier than him).

It's ok to want these things but he is entitled to an opinion too . He is making plans to move the relationship forward with the house etc and is talking about future babies so not exactly being a commitment phobe. Breathe and try to relax, if you push it too hard you risk losing what you have . And the years getting to know each other are essential when you do have kids, try to enjoy these next couple of years and do things together that will be harder once you have a baby. And you haven't lived together so that is a huge step to make first.

Ok. But you don't live together, don't own a house together, and aren't married.

Before you have a child together, you need some security & commitment so you need to discuss that with him.

If you are both on the same lines, great - but at the moment you are sounding a bit immature.

Having a baby changed everything in your life and you really need a solid and stable relationship. I really think you need to live together for a while if yon can, The absolute most important thing is the stability and happiness of a child.

You need to live together first, he has actually said let’s try in 2026, that’s just 2 years away. DS has been with his GF for a long time but they were 17 when they got together and this is their 6th Christmas together, He will not propose till they have tried living together. They do have a time line, you have a timeline. The timeline you have is fine. My SIL was very like you and she scared every man she dated, do not do this, she pressured them all.

He sounds sensible

What wrong with buying a place together before trying for a baby?

@WithACatLikeTread he will be 57 soon. So definitely too late for him. Becoming a dad at nearly 60 doesn't feel sensible for anyone (we have a big age gap but if I'm being realistic I'm also too old really even though not peri yet).

I don’t want to sell my own flat without being at least engaged. I thought that would happen yesterday but now everything is up in the air.

Ah fair enough. I can understand that.

I don't see why you have to get married first. You're on equalish salaries and you have your own place which you'd have to split if you got married and it didn't work out.

Would you have him move in with you soon? That way you can test the waters and then start talking about coming off contraception.

You do know a proposal is less commitment than buying a home together?

I get it OP

Tbf to him you haven't been going out long. And it's best to live together first

What made you think a proposal was imminent?

I hear that you mean well and found these stories helpful, but personally I wish people would ask first before sharing success stories, sometimes they make things worse.