Am I doing Xmas wrong?

[newandconfused5]

Each year I get more and more disillusioned by Christmas.

For context I have 3 young children (8,4,1) and Father Christmas is still real in our house.

We do Christmas Eve boxes, sacks for present and a small stocking.
Budget was around £200 per child (ish)..

Please tell me what I am doing wrong.. the whole thing feels so stressful! We didn't even cook this year..

Buying/wrapping/hiding presents. Piles of presents that need a new home. Present hungry behaviour from crazed said children.

Piles of presents for nieces and nephews...

I'm so lost in Christmas materialistic present hell that it just doesn't feel right! But how do I get out of it with small children?

I felt like we had a good amount of presents this year.. but it still makes me feel sick about all the spending and stuff for one day!

Is it just my fault and I've focused on too much stuff over the years? Or does everyone feel like this?

I want my children to feel loved and happy on Xmas day and we do a few Christmassy things in the build up.. but they always get overwhelmed (and grumpy) by the end of it.

Is it just the age and stage of my children or am I missing something and doing this Xmas thing all wrong?

Thanks in advance and merry christmas!

I would say scrap the budget. Why do you feel you need to spend a set amount? What you’re essentially doing is thinking “I need to spend £200 on each child” and adding unnecessary items to get to your total. There’s no need. This is how you stress yourself and end up with so much excess.

So ask each child what they would like the most. Give each of them one main key present from you. Don’t think about costs in terms of “I must spend this on each child”. if one is higher value than the other, just take note perhaps for future reference. Chances are the older one will be asking for higher ticket items than the youngest, but the youngest will want that item in a few years time.

Then do stockings, and again just focus on getting them the same number of things as supposed to spending a set amount of money. My nephews favourite item from the whole day was a sticky snake that costs 50p that was in his stocking. Doesn’t have to be tack but also doesn’t have to cost the Earth or be loads. A couple of good toys or something like headphones / phone cover for older one, a couple of stationary items perhaps (new felt tips for example, nice pens, novelty rubbers), some new socks / pants, a sweet treat (chocolate coins / chocolate orange) and a couple of fun versions of useful items that will always be used (bath bombs, sparkly shower gel, make up brushes, face mask, bubble bath). They’ve got their fun items but then everything can be used in everyday life and doesn’t clutter the place up.

Christmas Eve boxes - if this is your thing - quality not quantity surely. A book (not necessarily a Christmas one), edible treat, hot chocolate / hot drink. Done. If you like the PJ tradition, purchase all year round ones to again avoid waste.

I can’t speak on food because my family is terrible for overbuying (though we don’t let it get wasted).

Focus on quality, not quantity.

I do tend to go a bit overboard at Xmas, my kids don't get a lot throughout the year. I do bulk out the important gifts with chocolates / sweets and fun toiletries that I'd not usually buy.
I've reduced the pressure though and have slowly removed all the things about Xmas that used to stress us out. We refuse to travel around on Xmas Day, if anyone wants to see us, they are welcome to come to us. We decide as a family what to eat and it hasn't been Xmas Dinner for about 10yrs.
We don't do Xmas experiences other than walks around the villages admiring the lights on the houses.
I like to have all gifts wrapped and stored in the loft by 10th Dec so I can enjoy the rest of Xmas.

Good luck reassessing and choosing the Xmas for you.

Make the change next year while you still can.
4 kids here, although older now. Never did Christmas eve boxes (they were not really a thing). Advent Calendars were just the £1-2 choc ones. although I can't see the harm in PJs (wear them all year), a hot choc, a book (plenty second hand that look new) and a film to watch together. My budget was much lower, although did rise as they were more into tech (but £50- then £75, finally getting to around £100) One main present, and a few stocking fillers, as other people bought for them. Stocking fillers were sometimes stuff they needed (socks, pants, bubble bath etc.) and sometimes poundshop type stuff (thanks for not flaming on this, most people on a low budget have little choice) or charity shop stuff gathered during the year. Good luck x

A family we know spend just £25 per child at Christmas. The kids are at private school. Not sure if it’s linked as they have no money for anything else.

Mine are older now and we buy tech mostly, an apple iPhone, AirPods. That kind of thing. It’s a relief to buy something worthwhile to b honest.

We did the same as you buying really for the sake of impact and hoping to get that Xmas feeling when they were little. I hated it. So much plastic. So many trips to the charity shop. Kids often took one go at something or never even touched it.

I told grandparents to give cash in the end to put in their savings, as it was such a waste.

this year, DS 12 got AirPods and two Rubik’s cubes. Three tiny presents under the tree and no stocking.

I buy them other bits and pieces during the year. Honestly can’t stand Xmas. I don’t know why but I hate it these days. So much pressure so I kind of checked out.

I hear you. We've had a nice day in the main, but both DD's (aged 9 and 7 - who both still believe in Father Christmas) made comments that Father Christmas didn't everything they wanted / or they wanted more presents (and they got loads of stuff). I think their expectation was that Father Christmas would bring hundreds of gifts and make all their dreams come true.... My 7 year old wanted a mobile phone from Father Christmas and although I told her in advance that Father Christmas didn't get mobile phones for under 10's I think she was still a bit disappointed that she didn't get one.

In many ways it'll be a bit of a relief if next year they work out Santa isn't real and we can have a more realistic discussion about presents and how much we can afford to buy.

I definitely need to make a shift somewhere because it just doesn't feel right.

My kids are great usually and have been brilliant for the most part today.. but the greed starts to set in and they start asking for more presents, which always makes me feel sad.

I do chat a lot prior about being grateful, how people have thought about them and regardless of gift, that is the most important thing.

One set of grandparents spoil and spend a fortune.. plenty of aunts and uncles too so the gifts just feel endless. They are always lovely gifts too, thoughtful and never rubbish.

I hope I don't sound ungrateful here.. it's lovely but it's so much physical piles of just things! Lovely things but excess usually.

But some great suggestions! I'm going to reassess next year for sure.

Also to answer questions, budget wise I didn't set out for the set amount of £200 really. My technique was to buy equally, so I big ticket item for each child, then two medium priced (or sized) items.. etc.
It just ended up being around £200 before I thought no more!

Also the worry I have about the size of piles being equal.. that's ridiculous too but I do worry about it and try and make the amount of presents look the same.

Feels like I'm so far away from what Christmas is really all about. I hate it!

One area I would definitely address is the piles of presents for nieces and nephews - could you suggest family Secret Santa for the children of the extended family? Then also do only token gifts for adults and something extra for the hosts.

I give less stuff. We can afford it but we spend more on experiences than stuff. Xmas day my kids get overwhelmed if they get too much and don't know where to start. Since cutting back the last few years it's much better. I also buy early and wrap early as I find it stressful if I leave it late.

@newandconfused5 re endless pressies from extended family, could you maybe look at a b8g ticket item and get everyone to club together? For example dd loves a local animal park. We are there a lot so family club together and buy dp, me and dd an annual pass. Saves me a bloody fortune, dd absolutely loves it and they get to enjoy the fact it is truly useful.

My sister didn't buy her kids gifts for the first 3-4 years, everyone who gave money got out into a bug pot and they bought a fantastic garden play area for the kids.

We cut back as I felt the same. Stockings are now useful stuff only. One present from us under the tree. Dh and I didn't swap presents. No piles of stuff. Absolutely no joke presents or Christmas themed tat. Felt much nicer!

I have a good hack for the too much stuff. Staying with mates abroad this year and they have older kids. We just wrapped a load of their kids’ old stuff and let my kids open it. We’ll leave it behind after.

This is on the basis that (1) most christmas toys mainly just get played with on the day (2) they don’t need more stuff (3) they can’t tell the difference between brand new and pre loved and (4) at this age ‘piles’ of presents is a thing.

Got them each one special gift i knew they’d really value and use.

This was sort of necessity as we’re abroad and there are restrictions on luggage but i’ll totally do again. A few key gifts bulked out by extras from charity shop that can be re-donated straight away after.

My kids like most I think like to have a lot to open but mainly play with a few key toys.

Oh i have reigned in family. Given specific directions about what to buy and / or asked for clothes in the next size up etc. otherwise we have situations like one year i was chucking out perfectly good toys to make room for new ones because we physically didn’t have space for it all

OP I could have wrote your post. I also have 3 young children and have felt extremely burnt out and 'flat' today. I just didn't feel the
magic. Maybe it's the weather?? My house is destroyed and I'm glad the day is over (although I love the build up!)

Sounds to me you’re trying to provide the perfect social media Christmas but that doesn’t mean it’s the perfect Christmas for you. Make next year about what would be perfect for you even if it’s takeaway for lunch and staying in PJ’s all day

I hate the materialism around Christmas. I've always tried to provide more experiences than things so we spend money on going out and dc are used to only a few gifts.
I involve them in buying gifts for each other, baking stuff, spending time with people and relaxing.
Today, they got one item they wanted (which was a fairly expensive item) and some stocking fillers with chocs. That's it.
Then we spent lots of time with family. Kids were happy.

You can definitely cut down. The spending shouldn't make you feel sick. You could cut your own DC budget by 25% to £150 and it wouldn't make too much difference. Then keep it that budget for eg 5-10yrs and inflation will naturally erode the amount of presents you get with that. You probably buy Christmas treat food as part of the family food shop, so could put some of that into the stockings instead so it isn't something that needs to be stored long term. DC still get the pleasure of unwrapping something. DN's I'd cut them down to one smallish present each, say £50 budget at the most. There's really no need for more in either amount or cost. Do some decluttering pre Christmas and sell/donate some things they don't play with. I don't believe in letting DC decide what to keep, not when it's reached the point where there's too much stuff. It's your home and you're the parents so you decide what goes. You can put things in the shed/garage/loft for a few months prior, to see if they ask for it back, if you're uncertain.

We have over generous family. We compensate by buying very little, but what they really want. Or buying practical. This year DD1 got a hiking backpack and ski poles. DD2 got some rugby gear (who knew luminous pink socks would be so exciting?) And ski poles. Plus their stocking. They won't notice that you/santa buy very little amongst everything else. Ours ate older now so know we spend the money on activities instead.

You don't need to spend as much on the toddler as you do a child 7 years older. It will catch up in time.

Although its complained about on Mumsnet... we coordinate gifts. DM and DMil ask me what they want. I have the "master list" and everyone picks ideas from it. Still a lot, but no duplicates etc this includes vouchers for things like ice skating or day trips.

I can't even blame social media as I am not on any of it. So it's literally my own doing, I see no photos of friends or family piles or picture perfect moments!

I sound so ungrateful and I am not. I'm grateful that I am lucky to provide a Christmas with toys and treats this year. It just feels so empty.

Presents yesterday, sales today, holiday adverts on the tv... just a constant cycle. There will be Easter eggs in the supermarkets now!

Consumerism at its finest. And I'm feeding in to this and raising the next generation of them!

We managed one big ticket family attraction ticket from my dad. So that feels better, well a start at least!

Thank you everyone for practical solutions and for making me not feel alone!

It will pass soon enough. If you don't buy toys during the year it evens out. Save £100 a month for Christmas if you can and buy throughout the year so that December doesn't seem too much. As they get older they will value quality over quantity.

Know that ina few years you will miss these days!

It's hard work with little children and everyones expectations are so high to have a lovely time and to experience 'the magic of'. We had a lower end budget for christmas and I worried about that too, if I was being restrictive for the sake of it. Also we only bought new things other than essentials at birthday or Christmas or with their own pocket money. We didn't do any build up things to christmas other than school or clubs they attended. There are so many things now and I worried again I was just not engaging for the sake of it. So I think partly what ever you do you will still wonder if you are doing it right but also you can dial it back if you want to but essentially christmas is hard if expectations for having a lovely time are too high (sad to say).

I never spent that much (not sure how you spend 200 on such young children each year!) and when they are little they won't understand the difference between £20 & £200 so its easy to row back . The most important thing is having fun together - buy a few things that encourage people to play together. A family friend has given us a puzzle to do together. Xmas really doesnt have to be an orgy of commercialism but it helps to encourage that early on. My daughter, now a teen, gave me a secondhand book which cost her about 2.50 - it was the perfect present because she recognised that I am interested in the subject