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Original poster

If you are a bookworm, what does your partner do while you are reading?

43 replies

rickyrickygrimes · 25/12/2023 17:03

This is starting to be a bit of an issue btw DH and I.

before we met and up until we had children, I was a total bookworm. My sister and mum are too. Reading has always been something that is important to me.

when we had children, I put the books to one side and focused on the children, when they were small. They are teenagers now, so they don’t need me that much and I finally feel able to start reading a lot more again.

DH seems to really resent it. Because we both work, and both do more or less equal amounts at home, we don’t have a huge amount of spare time. The time I do have - evenings mostly - I want to spend as much as I can reading. He feels that this is antisocial, excluding him, not spending enough time with him. I’m feeling increasingly pissed off at him. It’s not like we even do anything exciting - he just wants us to watch tv together etc. I try to stay in the living room with him and DS2 when they are watching tv, but I find it really hard to concentrate on my book so what I want to do is go to bed early to read. That leads to more huffing.

part of the problem is that I’m used to a family where everyone does their own thing, and just gets on with it. My parents always had their own jobs, hobbies, friends - as well as shared ones. Even now they are retired, they will quite happily spend the day apart pursuing their own interests, then eating together in the evening. They usually go to bed at different times. DHs parents OTOH lived in each other’s pockets, getting up / pottering / shopping / cooking / eating together, and spending the evening watching tv then going to bed always together. Every night. It’s suffocating for me, normal for him.

argh we need to find a compromise: what does yours look like?

OP posts:
Northernsouloldies · 25/12/2023 17:09

I take myself off to the bedroom I like quiet whilst reading and Dw loves her soaps on TV win win for both of us.

DramaAlpaca · 25/12/2023 17:13

He reads too. Adult children so no issues with us doing our own thing, which we both need to do for our own sanity. My parents are like your ILs, OP, it would drive me nuts.

useitorlose · 25/12/2023 17:13

DH watches shite tv, mostly police programmes. I'm pretty good at blanking it out, but I read a lot more on holiday.

YoongiMarryMe · 25/12/2023 17:13

I stay in the living room but wear headphones and play white noise to tune out tv noise. I’d happily do something else with DH but not if that something is just watching tv!

Tweedledumdedum · 25/12/2023 17:14

Plays Playstation, builds things around the house, goes for a run

Friedfriedplantain · 25/12/2023 17:15

There is a special place reserved in hell for people who call reading "antisocial.'

DH is a big reader too but he often also messes around on his phone while I'm reading. Could you get him a Switch and get him onto gaming while you sit together?

BeaRF75 · 25/12/2023 17:17

He reads too, or watches TV, or goes out and plays various sports, or goes camping, or pursues his own hobbies.
We have lots of separate interests, and I think that's vital. I would find doing everything together to be so suffocating. We've been married 30+ years, so something about this approach must work....

Tesoroxx · 25/12/2023 17:18

Games, young children so not much reading/gaming gets to happen 🤣

Ponderingwindow · 25/12/2023 17:21

Reads, watches tv, plays video games, works on whatever hobby has his attention at the moment. We both have varied interests and are capable of entertaining ourselves.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 25/12/2023 17:21

I would never be without a book in my hand if it was left to me, but it's also important to spend time doing stuff with my DH, even if it is just vegging out in front of the telly. Now DS is older we try and go out once a week for dinner, spend probably a couple of nights a week together apart from that, rest of the time I'm either out or reading. When I'm reading, DH noodles on the computer, watches his own programmes or does his other hobbies.

Never been a problem but then if we weren't spending any time together at all I assume it would be.

whitebeads · 25/12/2023 17:21

Hubby builds Lego or watches stuff on tv that I wouldn't be interested in.

spriots · 25/12/2023 17:22

Mine reads as well

But I wonder if it's really more about him just feeling a bit unloved? Perhaps if you had more date nights/focussed time together he would be less bothered about this

Santalazy · 25/12/2023 17:23

He does his own thing. But if your DH wants you to do stuff together why does it have to be his stuff? He could read with you. He could even read the same book and you could chat about it.

Nudgethatjudge · 25/12/2023 17:26

Watches films, plays on his phone, does work.
Never gives me grief for my book habit.

DeeCeeCherry · 25/12/2023 17:31

ExH hated it. He'd talk at me whilst I was reading. Even if I took a book into the bath he'd find an excuse to come in and woe betide if I was reading. His 'together' involved watching a film. Immediately a film finished, he'd switch to another one. Never mind if a whole evening glued to TV just didnt interest me. I am so very glad I got rid of him

DP is fine if I'm reading. He has a life that doesn't revolve around me gazing at him 24/7. He likes certain documentaries that I dont. He puts wireless headphones on and watches them, or listens to music or does paperwork or gardening etc

Tbh I realised too late (ie after marriage) that ExH didnt have much initiative. So if I wasn't doing something that focused on him, he'd get angry. Also he didn't read and decided that I must think i'm better than him, because I read.

I'm also firmly convinced that these types hate to see you quietly doing something that you love. They're happy to have you sat next to them, spending time doing what you dislike ie watching back to back TV. What they want is more important than you. & They're too dim to realise it will lead to you falling out of love with them.
.

RidingMyBike · 25/12/2023 17:31

We do some nights watching TV together, some nights he watches TV whilst I read. Some nights one of us goes out and the other stays in and does what they want.

The mixture of things seems to work quite well.

Pifful · 25/12/2023 17:31

I’m used to a family where everyone does their own thing, and just gets on with it.
Same. DH and I have been together 38 years. We are both retired but very rarely sit in the same room doing the same thing. He will watch what he wants on tv and I will usually sit in another room either reading , crocheting or watching what I want.
I can't imagine enforced communal viewing.

Aparecium · 25/12/2023 17:42

We find a middle ground. Even if dh and I are doing different things, we'll often do them in the same room, or check in on each other/have a chat in passing. I can generally tune out the TV if I'm not interested in what's on, and read or knit while dh watches.

ginsparkles · 25/12/2023 17:47

I read whenever I can really! So I'll sit with him as he cooks, and I'll read my book whilst he's pottering about getting food ready.

He wakes earlier and goes to bed later than me, so I'll read in bed for an hour in at night and sometimes in the morning whilst he walks the dog.

I have a day off in the week, and he is at work so I read then too! Often times if he's watching something on the tv that I don't enjoy, I'll nestle in with my book, but I can just get totally engrossed into a book and block everything else out!

PermanentTemporary · 25/12/2023 17:50

He reads too, or does his own thing on his phone or tablet.

But tbh I met him at 51 and have spent so long looking for a man who can be in the same room as a woman reading without resenting the fact that she is mentally elsewhere. I knew they existed but I haven't ever found one before.

Perhaps it helps to accept that reading IS antisocial. That's kind of the point. If I'm reading I'm somewhere else. It's essential to me though.

Floralovesflowers · 25/12/2023 18:07

A mixture of what everyone else's oh does-plays brain training type games on his phone, reads or watches documentaries/films I'm not bothered about. During the winter he watches rugby endlessly.

I tend to lie upstairs on our bed to read or outside in the summer. I have plans to turn a spare bedroom into a reading room at some point.

Children are all adults/left home now but I do remember feeling frustrated I couldn't read as much when they were younger.

Roselilly36 · 25/12/2023 18:09

My DH has no interest in reading, I don’t usually read unless on holiday, DH will usually listen to music on the beach, while I read.

DoesNotPlayWellWithIdiots · 25/12/2023 18:19

DH and I are pretty much like your parents OP, we do our own thing and follow our own interests and don't feel the need to do stuff together unless we both want to.
He's not a reader but accepts it's something I like to do and that my ever increasing book hoard collection is important to me.
Bedtime is my reading time and I'll often go up at around 8.30 to snuggle down with my book which I read until my eyelids droop then I can just switch the lamp off and go to sleep. DH will go to the pub or watch a film/documentary/something and go to bed much later.

Grumpynan · 25/12/2023 18:28

It’s not just the fact he resents the time I spend reading, it’s the comments like “ oh are you going to read your story again”, I tell him I’m 59 not 5 🙄.

but yes he hates me to read as much as he hates reading, he likes to watch tv in the evening, which is fine, but he wants me to watch his mindless rubbish with him. He likes stand up or silly comedy, I don’t mind them but would rather watch something you can get engrossed in. I’ve found he’s got worst as he’s got older, he doesn’t have the attention span.

dontgobaconmyheart · 25/12/2023 18:35

It doesn't sound like the issue is that he think it's genuinely 'antisocial' - more that he expects you do what he wants and that he presumes on some level that you exist as a complement to him. It doesn't really matter (to me, anyway) what is normal for him, that doesn't mean his expectation is healthy or not damaging for you, which is therefore not acceptable. It's funny how solo activities are only antisocial when there is another lone party who wants attention and can't entertain themselves.

My own DP has never commented on anything I'm doing other than to enquire about it - eg what are you reading, how is it, would I like it. Otherwise he leaves me alone when I read and does his own thing - watches some TV, gets on with his life. We do things together and apart in a fairly even split and he knows reading is important to me in a way it isn't to him - for christmas he bought me a a Waterstones voucher for the boxing day sale and a couple of books I want, for my birthday a kindle. I'm not suggesting he is some perfect partner or person and it's certainly not about that but it is about basic decency, respect and just being nice to someone you are supposed to like.