If you are a bookworm, what does your partner do while you are reading?

[rickyrickygrimes]

This is starting to be a bit of an issue btw DH and I.

before we met and up until we had children, I was a total bookworm. My sister and mum are too. Reading has always been something that is important to me.

when we had children, I put the books to one side and focused on the children, when they were small. They are teenagers now, so they don’t need me that much and I finally feel able to start reading a lot more again.

DH seems to really resent it. Because we both work, and both do more or less equal amounts at home, we don’t have a huge amount of spare time. The time I do have - evenings mostly - I want to spend as much as I can reading. He feels that this is antisocial, excluding him, not spending enough time with him. I’m feeling increasingly pissed off at him. It’s not like we even do anything exciting - he just wants us to watch tv together etc. I try to stay in the living room with him and DS2 when they are watching tv, but I find it really hard to concentrate on my book so what I want to do is go to bed early to read. That leads to more huffing.

part of the problem is that I’m used to a family where everyone does their own thing, and just gets on with it. My parents always had their own jobs, hobbies, friends - as well as shared ones. Even now they are retired, they will quite happily spend the day apart pursuing their own interests, then eating together in the evening. They usually go to bed at different times. DHs parents OTOH lived in each other’s pockets, getting up / pottering / shopping / cooking / eating together, and spending the evening watching tv then going to bed always together. Every night. It’s suffocating for me, normal for him.

argh we need to find a compromise: what does yours look like?

Hmmm I think you both have to compromise a bit. I’m a true introvert and love reading, but I do know spending time together watching Tv - usually a series together - is important to my dh. It gives you something to talk about together and look forward to. We usually watch stuff for an hour or so and then I go to bed around 9.30/10 and he comes up around 12. I read when I go up to bed. I would hate it if I didn’t get that time to myself but if he was left to do his own thing every night I know he’d be lonely.

I mainly read in the bath at night while he's on his Xbox. Sometimes I stay up and read for a bit while he's asleep. Or I'll read for an hour or so before I get the kids from school, while he's at work. I can't read while we're sat next to each other because we end up talking and I can't focus.

I totally agree with this. I love reading but as a PP said you are mentally elsewhere while you're reading a book and DH may just want to sit and chat about something you're watching together or feel like you're doing a "shared" activity (even if that is watching a film.)

Our compromise is I'm around and spending time with DH until 9pm and then I go up to bed to read for a couple of hours and he watches what he wants on TV and comes up about 11pm.

It doesn't sound like the reading is the issue here exactly, more like he wants to feel like you're doing things together and I do get that. Maybe some dedicated date nights, or a couple of nights a week you spend together would feel less lonely for him.

Ex partner used to resent the fact that I kept books I liked. I am very minimalist, haven't many clothes and like things neat, but God it ground his gears that I had 'stupid old books' in a bookcase. Apparently this was unreasonable, despite the fact that the entire house was crammed to the rafters, literally, with stuff he hoarded and there was not a square foot of empty floorspace in the garage. 🙄

He rubs my feet 😊

DH is not keen on my reading addiction either. I go to bed earlier to read and also read during my lunch break at work. I cannot comprehend why he (or anyone else) would not want to read. I’ve loved it since I was very young.

DP games or watches a film. He doesn’t read himself but doesn’t mind me reading, sometimes he gets me totally random books as birthday or Christmas presents - some of these I would never have chosen myself but turned out really interesting! He does try to get me to watch films with him but we’re just not interested in the same things. I couldn’t stand it if he tried to make me sit through something I wasn’t bothered about, free time is precious.

There needs to be a mix I think, my DH will watch some TV or do something else because when I am reading I am actually antisocial as I only tolerate minimal interruptions. However other times we will watch a programme or film we are interested in together and I will put my book down, no different to putting phones and iPads down.

If my DH was reading or gaming or on his phone all of the time I would be pissed off. I need attention too and enjoy spending time with him.

How much time do you spend reading @rickyrickygrimes ?

Dh reads shit loads and always has, I have my own solo hobbies and I'm happy to sit and do some sketching or gaming. I used to read a lot but have never been able to read for hours like I used to, it's half an hour some nights before bed if that, I just don't have the attention to retain what I've read anymore.

In a communal space like the lounge we expect the occasional bit of chatter if either of us want zero distractions or engagement with the other for a few hours we take ourself upstairs but that's not an every evening thing.

We dont expect anyone else in the living room to be quiet and expect no interaction from family for hours, he has no problem putting his book down every so often to chat with me and ask how my drawing it whatever is going and he doesn't mind if I'm going "does this look wonky to you?" So most evenings are like that, him casually reading and me casually doing whatever I'm into at that moment. And some chatter every now and then.

So once a week or so dh might take himself of to the bedroom for a few hours or I might take my switch and a Zelda game but he'd never expect that level of non interaction every day and I wouldn't expect to be left alone while I play video games for a few hours every day. He has a hobby that can take him out of the house for full days so he feels cheeky expecting to do his hobby in peace every evening too.

We make sure at least one evening a week we're are doing something together that doesn't involve a screen. He loves tv and I don't. A game of scrabble, a game of darts, geocaching, a nice takeaway or cooked meal together.

We've always just done our own thing, I loathe the idea that I am expected to provide 'entertainment' for my DH ... we've always had separate interests, hobbies, friends etc. We are both readers but rarely spend time reading together, I would find it rather suffocating if my DH expected me to sit with him in the evenings .
but fortunately we both love our own space.

I wish people who are going to use the word ‚antisocial‘ would use it correctly! Especially people who are claiming to be readers. Good grief!

I sit next to my husband with ear plugs in so I can read and still sit next to him while he watches TV. It’s taken practice but we now have it down.
i would really struggle to like someone who resents reading.

We met when we were both doing postgraduate degrees in literature. I couldn’t have married someone who didn’t read. I read all the time, and anyone in my life needs to deal with that.

He games, watches things on tv, reads news on his phone, listens to music... entertains himself really. But I have quite a high tolerance for external activity when I'm reading; I don't get easily distracted, which I suspect helps.

Noise cancelling earbuds so you can read in the same room?

Also planning the week out so you have together and separate time, but the together time is something you actually enjoy. I think you have to spell out the problem to him as you have here so he understands it’s parental patterns you are both playing out.

DH games or watches films. I don’t game I read so we kind of do our own thing, we do make a point of watching a box set of a film together several times a week too

I sometimes go to bed early to read whilst DH watches a series or film I don’t like. In the mornings he brings me a cup of tea in bed so I will stay there happily reading whilst he plays Xbox! We still do plenty together but not every waking moment!

I’m in the room and reading whilst he watches tv, I can tune out happily. The kindle account is on him(he bought my kindle as a gift) and complains my reading habits cost him a fortune 😂.
no one is getting in the way of my books… but then I wouldn’t get in the way of his interests. Compromise and all that

We tend to watch a 1hr TV show after dinner together, and then go our seperate ways. I read in my bedroom and he reads or plays on his iPad in his bedroom. Weekends we watch a film together in the evening go for a walk/swim/cycle together in the day.

I think it is a problem if he feels you spend too little time together. Time together is healthy for a relationship even if it isn’t doing exciting things. I would not assume he wants the suffocating joined at the hip that his parents did and see if you can come to a compromise.