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Original poster

Feeling awkward about how much friend spends on our presents

60 replies

kennycat · 23/12/2023 22:07

I have a very lovely friend who buys for
jt children and I buy for hers.
she is well off (we aren’t on the breadline either but I feel they have more perhaps). Problem is she spends a shed load on my children and I’m simply not prepared to spend that on hers.
The last two gifts she bought mine have been experiences. Great I thought. Then I googled them ans found one was £55 and one £65. We rarely spend that on our own children!!
I think I need to have a very frank discussion with her about it as it’s making me feel really awkward.
what would you all do? I don’t want it to turn into a co petition about how much we can spend in each other’s children. I spent waaaaay less on her children than she has but don’t want to feel bullied in to spending more than I fee is reasonable.

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 23/12/2023 22:09

If you rarely spend more than £65 on your own children I think you need to up your game. I honestly can’t imagine spending so little.

Optimist1 · 23/12/2023 22:12

@BIossomtoes that's a hurtful thing to say to OP.

WhimsicalMoth · 23/12/2023 22:14

BIossomtoes · 23/12/2023 22:09

If you rarely spend more than £65 on your own children I think you need to up your game. I honestly can’t imagine spending so little.

This may be their budget? Or above their budget??
They may buy second hand? Or in sales. It's surprising what £65 can get you when you shop around etc.

isthistoonosy · 23/12/2023 22:14

Just do you, spend what you spend. She either adjust to match you or contine you at the level she is happy at. You are both giving presents after all!

Doggymummar · 23/12/2023 22:15

I'm sure she must realise you have less, and is trying to do something nice. I spend £100s on my god daughter and didn't even get a card this year from her parents but I don't punish the child for it.

WhimsicalMoth · 23/12/2023 22:15

I think it's fair for you to feel that way- I have come to a point in my life where I spend (or not) what I can afford, or slightly less than.
For example, if a parent of my child's friends get them a Christmas present it would be
"That's so kind of you, we didn't do gifts outside of family this year, as our budget didn't stretch that far, but we really appreciate it"

determinedtomakethiswork · 23/12/2023 22:15

As soon as Christmas is over, just say can we have a £10 limit on all children's presents now?

Optimist1 · 23/12/2023 22:16

@kennycat I agree you need to tell your friend how you feel. She'll probably say she doesn't compare the monetary value of the gifts they give/receive. You could ask her to agree a maximum value next time just to make you feel better.

Siha345 · 23/12/2023 22:18

isthistoonosy · 23/12/2023 22:14

Just do you, spend what you spend. She either adjust to match you or contine you at the level she is happy at. You are both giving presents after all!

This. She will either carry on as is or realise she is spending more and lower her budget. Just spend what you want to spend and maybe throw in a few “wow that is sooo generous”es

BIossomtoes · 23/12/2023 22:19

Optimist1 · 23/12/2023 22:12

@BIossomtoes that's a hurtful thing to say to OP.

I agree. I didn’t mean it the way it came across and I’m really sorry. If I try to explain what I meant I suspect I’m going to make it worse. Please accept my apology @kennycat.

Optimist1 · 23/12/2023 22:35

BIossomtoes · 23/12/2023 22:19

I agree. I didn’t mean it the way it came across and I’m really sorry. If I try to explain what I meant I suspect I’m going to make it worse. Please accept my apology @kennycat.

Show quote history

A gracious apology, @BIossomtoes - exactly in the spirit of Christmas 😊

ReflectiveRogue1001 · 23/12/2023 23:00

I was going to say "shame on you" @BIossomtoes , but your apology is lovely.

So....

Moving on
@kennycat do you "give" in other ways throughout the year?

Eg, if your dripfeed is that you (for example) always have her dc after school for 2 hrs a day.
Then it's fair enough

easylikeasundaymorn · 23/12/2023 23:05

Did she definitely spend that much though? Sometimes experiences can be hugely discounted if you buy them at different times of the year, in a sale, if you buy 2 at the same time, she could have had them as a gift/won them in a raffle...some people are really good at getting a lot for their money and making it look like they spent more than they did.

If you want to have a word, fair enough, but if she's kept on spending more even after you've clearly spent less on her kids that would suggest she's happy to do so. Otherwise after the first time she spent £60 and you spent a tenner she'd think 'Oh, okay,' and dial it down.

Fynetanksfather · 23/12/2023 23:06

If it makes you feel better, she may have got it cheaper than advertised. A lot of experiences are often sold discounted or as deals.

Guibhyl · 23/12/2023 23:07

I often gift things to friends kids that if you googled them would say £20-30 but actually they cost me £10 because I bought them in a 50-70% off sale.

LaahDeeDah · 23/12/2023 23:10

I think it would be fine to say in a passing way that you really don't need to spend that much on my DC. Then it's up to her if she continues or not.

Cersai · 23/12/2023 23:11

This reply has been deleted

The post has been withdrawn by MNHQ as it was posted in the wrong place

grayhairdontcare · 23/12/2023 23:12

@Cersai you might be better starting your own thread

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 23/12/2023 23:12

Guibhyl · 23/12/2023 23:07

I often gift things to friends kids that if you googled them would say £20-30 but actually they cost me £10 because I bought them in a 50-70% off sale.

This!

Thanks to the bargain threads, DH is getting £142 of Ralph Lauren pants and socks... Which I paid £38 for.

Original poster
kennycat · 23/12/2023 23:19

An excellent idea, thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
kennycat · 23/12/2023 23:21

Not really a possible im
agraid as she lives a way away.

OP posts:
Cersai · 23/12/2023 23:21

@grayhairdontcare lol. I thought I had started a new thread! Clearly not. I have now! Thank you 😊

Original poster
kennycat · 23/12/2023 23:23

BIossomtoes · 23/12/2023 22:19

I agree. I didn’t mean it the way it came across and I’m really sorry. If I try to explain what I meant I suspect I’m going to make it worse. Please accept my apology @kennycat.

Show quote history

Apology accepted!!

its not that i can’t afford, it’s that I’m not prepared to.
I could afford £100 for a coffee but there’s a limit everyone sets in what they are prepared to pay for things. I’ve rarely spent £65 in one item for my own children. Maybe £65 for a fair few things but that much for one thing is a lot in my opinion.

OP posts:
InflatableSanta · 23/12/2023 23:23

She might have got them in a deal.
She might just love being extravagant.

I think you could gently say that you really don't expect it.

But equally I don't think gifts exchanged have to be of equal value. That just turns it into a transaction tbh.

cigarettesNalcohol · 23/12/2023 23:24

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