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Original poster

Feeling awkward about how much friend spends on our presents

60 replies

kennycat · 23/12/2023 22:07

I have a very lovely friend who buys for
jt children and I buy for hers.
she is well off (we aren’t on the breadline either but I feel they have more perhaps). Problem is she spends a shed load on my children and I’m simply not prepared to spend that on hers.
The last two gifts she bought mine have been experiences. Great I thought. Then I googled them ans found one was £55 and one £65. We rarely spend that on our own children!!
I think I need to have a very frank discussion with her about it as it’s making me feel really awkward.
what would you all do? I don’t want it to turn into a co petition about how much we can spend in each other’s children. I spent waaaaay less on her children than she has but don’t want to feel bullied in to spending more than I fee is reasonable.

OP posts:
justanothermummma · 23/12/2023 23:24

I spend on my friends and family what I wish to, although I'd never want them to feel uncomfortable as a result.

But it should not matter the value, what matters is the love and thought that goes into it.

I would give my friends and family the world
If I could, but I give what I can, because I love them and they know I'd never expect the same in return, gift giving is something I love and I presume your friend feels the same.

The experiences may be expensive, but maybe she feels you deserve them. If it's really uncomfortable, tell her - a true friend would not be cross or hurt, but would understand - but maybe try and see the love within the giving - a simple thank you is usually more than enough. X

babyproblems · 23/12/2023 23:24

This would make me feel really uncomfortable aswell. £65 is a lot on a child and a child that’s no relation!! If someone randomly spent that on my dc I would wonder why they felt the need; it’s extravagant to the point of arrogance if that is really what she’s paying. Is she his parent or anything?? Seems v odd if not. Id probably say to her please no excessive gifts- set a limit or just say profusely she doesn’t need to spend such big amounts or get them such big gifts. Xx

Blessedbethefruitz · 23/12/2023 23:29

Maybe she's a bargain hunter and spending less than you think! I'm afraid I love a bargain, so do buy things (mainly for kids, for parties, as I have 2 littles) for the present drawer when there's a good deal on generic good gifts like lego etc. If it's bothered her, she'll cut back, I wouldn't worry.

janicegarvey · 23/12/2023 23:36

BIossomtoes · 23/12/2023 22:09

If you rarely spend more than £65 on your own children I think you need to up your game. I honestly can’t imagine spending so little.

What a terrible thing to say 😳

BrringBrringMeow · 23/12/2023 23:38

I think you need to relax OP. It is sometimes easier to spend more money time wise, than to search for a nice inexpensive present. Graciously accept and let your friend do likewise, even if your gift is modest.

Its different if the person has bipolar or something and can’t afford it, but they can, so there is no harm.

uclpp · 23/12/2023 23:38

Maybe she got the experiences cheaper as part of an offer or with some sort of deal?

I'd let her crack on and not worry abuut it. You don't need to spend that much on her kids.

janicegarvey · 23/12/2023 23:39

@BIossomtoes

Just saw your apology... I posted my prev without reading the whole thread

So Please accept MY apology for my prev comment (it's been a long day 😳)

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 23/12/2023 23:41

Accept the presents graciously and continue to spend what you're comfortable with on her family. Presents aren't about how much they cost.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 23/12/2023 23:51

I have a friend who thinks nothing of spending £60/£70 on me which is more than l spend on my mum.
I always buy for her but don't even try to match that amount so hope she works out for herwelf it isn't necessary

NannyGythaOgg · 24/12/2023 00:05

BIossomtoes · 23/12/2023 22:09

If you rarely spend more than £65 on your own children I think you need to up your game. I honestly can’t imagine spending so little.

Could you be any nastier.

Your kids may get loads financially, but will they learn kindness or compassion.

That was horrible

rockinginarockingchair · 24/12/2023 00:11

If it makes anyone feel better on how much they have spent on their children i have spent a grand total of .....£0.0p on each one.

DarkDarkNight · 24/12/2023 00:18

As others have said it’s very possible she is spending less than you think - Groupon, Black Friday offers for example.

Alternatively if she is better off than you she just may have a different budget. It may be like you spending £10-£15. She might not mind the discrepancy. If she had noticed and did mind she would have cut back by now.

I can understand why it would make you uncomfortable though. It’s a bit late for this year so you could talk to her about knocking the present giving on the head next year or setting a budget.

Femme2804 · 24/12/2023 00:20

why have to be competition. Let her do hers abd you do you. I always giving my bestfriend children expensive gifts £100+ because i wanted to and i could afford it. I never ask or think they should do the same.

AnotherAdventFridge · 24/12/2023 00:21

Some people love shopping.
Some people are great at finding the special offers, experiences and some club cards just go together.
If she wasn't happy with your gifts, she would just reduce hers.
Relax and assume she is happy with the situation.

NoKateMoss · 24/12/2023 00:23

BIossomtoes · 23/12/2023 22:09

If you rarely spend more than £65 on your own children I think you need to up your game. I honestly can’t imagine spending so little.

You're a twat.

NoKateMoss · 24/12/2023 00:25

@BIossomtoes I've just read your apology. I withdraw the twat statement. Shouldn't have posted in wine induced haste.

pushbaum · 24/12/2023 00:36

BIossomtoes · 23/12/2023 22:09

If you rarely spend more than £65 on your own children I think you need to up your game. I honestly can’t imagine spending so little.

That's so insensitive and nasty

Anonymouse2019 · 24/12/2023 00:51

May I respectfully advise you take no notice of idiots who claim parents who "only" spend £65 of their child(ren) need to "up their game". It's extremely hurtful, not least to others who can't afford anything like this amount this Christmas on their own child. We all know Christmas is seen as a light, happy, wonderful time of year full of love and joy but meanwhile in the real world, millions of families are struggling to even put a meal on the table let alone pay for gifts, and it would do all of us well to remember that, however much or however little we have.

In answer to your question, there are two approaches here. If you have an honest chat with your friend, I'd angle it carefully, like "We're so grateful for the gift you bought for X, they will really enjoy it..." followed by an explanation that you found it to be very generous.

Alternatively, hold your head high and say nothing (you've offered their children a gift and there is no rule to say if X spends so-much on you then you have to spend the same on X), but honestly this probably isn't a long-term solution for several reasons, not least that a more expensive or lavish gift shouldn't come from friends of parents, IMO.

Ohnoooooooo · 24/12/2023 00:51

I also think you need to relax and assume she is happy with the scenario.
My best friend is lovely - I feel like I have won the lottery of friendship.
I buy her and her family more expensive gifts because I want to. It’s also easier to buy something I think they would like then set a budget and it makes me happy.
I love my friend and she is such a generous lady to everyone but she can be a very strange gift giver. She once bought me a scarf every year for three years. While she wears scarfs I never have. Sometimes she sends the gifts via Amazon and they are so strange choices I think they have been delivered to me by mistake - then she tells me they are from her. I would actually be very happy with the scenario I buy her presents and she doesn’t buy for me as I don’t like to see her waste her money and I am also left with - what should I do with that?
One year I bought her a £100 hand bag for Christmas and the next year her daughter was using it and told me her mum had given it to her so I assume she did not like it. Since then I have reduced her gift prices as I was a little hurt but they are still at a place I am happy with.
your friend would reduce her gifts if she is not happy with her exchange with you

DelusionalBrilliance · 24/12/2023 01:01

I notice blossomtoes regularly replies with nasty, thoughtless or rude comments on threads and then backtracks. It’s been a running theme for a long time… maybe they need to think before they post the first time? Either than or they just enjoy being catty.

Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 24/12/2023 01:08

I have a friend like this, we've been generous with eachother, but we've now sort of discussed a limit of £20 for gifts.

Now we both know, and there's no anxiety of being tighter with the others gift. It's made for a less stressful Christmas. I spent a total of £15 on her DD.

ChrisPackhamsYellowFleece · 24/12/2023 01:08

Is she just time poor? It might be that she can afford it and just doesn't have the time or brainspace to get something smaller/ cheaper. I really doubt she expects you to get gifts of equivalent value.

Hayzl · 24/12/2023 01:18

I wouldn't say anything but be thankful of gifts and (I expect?) they are thankful of yours.

I could be your friend (to a lesser extent).
I shop wisely and whilst I'm not at all loaded I look for bargains all year round as thankfully we have a dry out house storage area where the dc cannot get to.

Every year I know my friends will spend £5-£10 on my dc but I'll usually spend £15/20 on theirs but the toy/ item is worth from £25-£40!

I'd never want a friend to feel awkward and they don't (I don't think).

However you have made me reflect and I may spend less in future.

comfyshoes2022 · 24/12/2023 01:53

Sometimes I spend more on someone’s gift than they spend on me - simply because I want to give them something nice and I can. I would be mortified and sad if they told me not to. I would just leave it.

caringcarer · 24/12/2023 03:39

I'd make sure the DC thanked her properly. Drew her a picture of wrote a little thank you note. Thank her myself saying that was so generous of you. I haven't spent nearly as much on your DC. See what she says.

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