Would you drop a sexual assault charge with this information? TW.

[darkspot]

Hello lovely Mumsnetters

I need some WWYD advice in this situation if you were me, or perhaps you've been me and would be kind enough to share your own experiences.

I wrote a post on here not so long ago (under a different name) about being assaulted (raped) by somebody in a highly regarded profession. The case is still going ahead, but it's very slow and everyday is feeling like a pressure cooker for myself. I am having an assessment tomorrow for counselling and trying to keep myself busy, making plans for next year and basically doing everything I can to keep my mind at bay.

The ordeal happened over a month ago. I have currently done everything I need to do legally thus far- police interview, forensics, medical, phone evidence. But at this stage with my mental well-being being so fragile, I am seriously thinking about dropping the whole case. Conviction rates are so damn low, that I don't think I could go through with the ordeal of going to court (even if it got to that stage) and the defence slut shaming me.

I desperately want answers, and the police and not really being very transparent. I am having to push for answers. I have been walking around with the worst anxiety imaginable about bumping into the perpetrator and only recently finding out that he lives nowhere near me (thanks Police!). The police have also told me I can drop the case if I want to, but they told me this without me even mentioning it. I just asked if they thought they had enough evidence to send to the CPS and they said they really hoped so, but couldn't guarantee.

What makes it worse is the perpetrator has dealings with the courts. So can you imagine what would happen if the police sent my case to the CPS and them knowing exactly who it is?! Would he have to inform the courts/his work about this? I just don't know. I'm one of those people who likes to know the facts and know everything to mentally get myself into a better mind space. Does that make sense?!

No idea why I'm posting this. Would just be interesting/nice to hear experiences of others who wouldn't mind sharing experiences of how much evidence they had for the CPS to make a charge. I believe there is enough, but I'm unsure. I want to save women from this man. He is dangerous and it was a violent attack. It makes me feel sick knowing he does what he does, and yet I feel he is laughing at genuine victims.

Thanks for listening.

@darkspot, I cannot pretend to know what you're going through, so won't arrempt any advice. But I too am a "in times of trauma, just keep my mind busy" type of person, so your post struck me.

Perhaps see if you can hang in there a little longer until you can see what the best decision FOR YOU would be? But like I said, Im posting more with sympathies (not sure rhads tte word I want) than with advice.

If you can please go to court. However it’s understandable if the pressure is too much.

Have you been allocated an ISVA (independent sexual violence advisor)?

They’re independent of the police and cps but are well trained and informed, and would be the best people to talk through all of the decision making with because they’ll know the details of the case (shared with your permission only).

If you haven’t been offered one ask your police liaison person if you can have one.

Whatever you decide about continuing or stopping the process, remember that the only person who bears responsibility for his actions is the perpetrator, it isn’t your responsibility to stop him. Your decision should be based on what is best for you.

Would it help to have the support of other women who have gone through this?

I wish there was some way of having a barrister for the victim... so they could object to rape myth strategies by the defence and tp establishing doubt over the character of the victim.

I don't believe it is your duty to take this to court to prevent this happening to other women... except if you feel that gives you to motivation to carry on. You need to decide what is right for you and do that...

@Wildhorses2244 . Yes, I have already had an assessment with ISVA but they have told me it would take 6 weeks for things to get going I think?

I'm just struggling. I spoke with Rape Crisis, but it didn't help. I am mentally a very strong person, but I can't find a way/see a way through this in my mind right now. For the lord, I have tried. I am fighting.

I know it's not my duty to go to court, but he will do this again if I don't at least try and stop him. I know that. He's also a narcissist of the highest order. I am convinced on that. He thinks he's untouchable. His denial and defence of the whole thing was sickening.

I commented on your original post. I am a rape survivor who didn't report ( I was 12 at the time ) and I have sat on two juries for rape, one of a mother and daughter and one of an elderly lady. Both perpetrators were known to the victims. The mother and daughter there was no evidence just there word against the father/husband and it happened long ago. The CPS had enough evidence just from word of mouth. The elderly lady reported straight away and they had DNA etc both men were found guilty and jailed. There was no slut shaming for either if them. They gave evidence behind screens and didn't have to see the accused. The child's evidence and cross exam were recorded video, but the mother was cross examined in person.

Do what feels right for you. You don't owe anyone anything, but I think it might help you mentally. I wish I had reported now I am older, as I have only told three people in my life and still have PTSD from it.

I'm sorry for what you have gone through.

I just wanted to let you know that it is very early days for you in the legal process. The police investigation alone will take time. Then it goes to CPS who will take time and probably ask for more evidence from the Police before making a decision. Assuming that he is charged and it goes to court, if he pleads not guilty it will take a long time for it to go to trial. This is a process which will take years, not months.

If you haven't been referred by the Police (you should have!), refer yourself to the Rape and Sexual Abuse Centre. They should put you in touch with an ISVA who can explain the process a bit more for you.

Good luck in whatever you choose.

I’m glad that you’ve had an appointment with an ISVA - they will be really helpful whatever you decide.

Im really sorry that you’re struggling so much. It is completely normal for you to feel like this after such a traumatic experience so please be as kind to yourself as you would be to a friend in the same scenario.

Only you can make the decision about continuing or not. Whatever you decide if he does go on to offend again the responsibility for that rests with him and not with you.

@Doggymummar - so sorry for what you've been through. That is my DD's age and it makes me feel so sick and angry that you went through that.

I just don't understand what makes some cases go to court and others not. It makes no sense at all. I know the CPS has a code of conduct and a threshold that needs to be met for charges to come about, but honestly, some cases seem to have a lot of evidence and some not.

I feel I have a fair amount of evidence, but I don't know how strong it is at the moment (I won't go into what I have as it may be triggering).

He will 100% plead 'not guilty'. He was already texting me his defence as soon as it was over.

@darkspot I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Please be kind to yourself. Allow yourself time to process what has happened whilst allowing the police time to do their job. The pathway to court is a very long one. The court system is basically broken. Cases taking ages to get to court. I reported my abuser in 2020. It was supposed to go to trial in July then November. It’s now been moved to next year. What happened to me happened over 25 years ago and the police still gathered enough evidence to get it approved by the CPS. Quite often I feel like giving up, but I know this will continue to play on my mind for the rest of my life if I give up. It’s been hard and very draining. I say don’t give up. It’s a long and difficult process, but you deserve justice.

OP - so sorry to hear what you are going through. I worked with survivors of rape and sexual assault for some years. Its very difficult to advise you , because its you that's having to relive this on a daiiy basis. Of course a court case may help further (or past) victims , and given this guy is in a position of trust makes things even more daunting. BUT... you must put yourself first and do what you feel is right for you. I really hope there is a positive outcome, but be proud of yourself that you reported this in this first instance 💕

@AnotherSaturdayNight - how stressful for you.

I can imagine Covid has put a lot of cases on the backlog. Was your abuser on bail the whole time? I feel safe for now but worried after his bail time is up.

I have plans to move house as it happened in my home (bedroom) so it's very hard to get away mentally from that right now. Every time I go to bed, I either have a nightmare or dream about it. I know physically moving away will help a lot.

The only thing that I can hope for is the CPS knows exactly who he is when they receive the files, and perhaps want to take it forward to see if anyone else has been attacked by him? - Just thinking out aloud and trying to remain hopeful.

From one survivor (who chose not to report) to another you've shown incredible strength and resilience to get to where you are today. Every step though must be your decision and only your decision. If you need to withdraw from the process and regain some control for yourself to stay sane then you need to do that and be unapologetic as you do.

You're all that matters right now. You are not responsible for his actions against you or anyone else. Good luck with this journey.

@darkspot I am so terribly sorry to hear what has happened to you. It happened to DD13 a few months back. I have no confidence in the Police or justice system. She was going ahead with prosecution but has wobbled recently & doesn't know what to do now. Her ISVA or CYPSVA as she's called is bloody marvellous though.
Have you spoken with Live Fear Free? They were so helpful with us. They're open 24/7 too.
Thinking of you. FWIW I think you're so brave. Thank you for speaking out 💐

@darkspot he has been free to go about his life as usual.
I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you as it happened in your own home. I totally understand why you would want to move on. As far as I know, nobody else has reported the man who abused me. It’s not a numbers game please remember that. He is very unlikely to approach you now that you have reported him. He would be stupid to do that. If he does, report it to the police.

I recently sat on a jury which found someone guilty of rape... it does happen, people will listen to you carefully and hopefully this man will have justice served to him

Thank you for your kind words.

@Sausager - that is awful. I'm so sorry. I wish there was a way to stop this kind of violence. After all there has been #metoo Saville, Sarah Everard etc and still, here we are. I don't have the answers, but I often have thoughts of setting up some kind of database, or prevention/reporting service so women could check out people before they got involved in them. Something needs to be done. I feel rape is almost becoming decriminalised, although my SARC advisor has been brilliant and is assuring me the government really want to change this. I can't help but feel it's all in vain though.

I will check out Live Fear Free...thank you x

A lot of people have labelled me as 'brave', 'strong' 'amazing' since I have reported. Honestly, I don't feel any of those things. I was just so angry when I reported it. Almost a 'how dare he come into my home and do this to me' kind of way. The worst bit in all this honestly, has been him blaming me for it. Gaslighting me afterwards, making out that I was 'enjoying it' and that it was just sex. The workings of a malignant narcissist no doubt. Dangerous to the core and will stop at nothing to make others believe in their own lies.

@Marmaladegin - may I ask, was there a lot of evidence against the perpetrator? Understand if legally you can't discuss in detail. Just be interesting to know. Thanks.

I too have been on a jury that found someone guilty of rape - there was no physical evidence.

There are specialist judges who deal with sexual offences, just as there are specialist judges who deal with unlawful killings. I hope you get the support you need. It is not right that what was your sanctuary, your home, is now somewhere you want to leave, but if it helps you then move. And make sure those professionals involved in your case know the reason you've moved.

Do what is right for you and look after yourself.

If you possibly can you need to see it through to stop it happening again to another woman.

Sorry.

He was already texting me his defence as soon as it was over.

This is going to support your case IMHO.

No. No. No. No. No.

OP is not responsible for anything, past or present or future, this man does. She does not owe it to anyone to pursue something that detrimentally affects her personal wellbeing.

When my ex was raped it took us a while to get our heads round the implications of the fact that she was effectively a witness, not a litigant in the case. That meant that she wasn't automatically party to the police investigation and the prosecution strategy and, as a result, was left in a limbo of not-knowing for a very long time. It was agonising.

It really helped us to talk to a barrister friend about the process and possible outcomes. We also focused on plans to make her feel safer and spent a lot of time on therapies and on her physical and mental wellbeing.

The police were terrible at keeping us informed and at one point had lost track of the case altogether, despite their saying that it was the highest priority crime in our area of London at the time.

It took them a year to track him down and then nearly another year to prosecute him. But in the end he was found guilty and sentenced to nine years.

I’m so sorry. It happened to me too. More than once, different perpetrators. The first time I was 17, after a few days I broke down and told my parents. They called the police straight away and thus began the nightmare. The investigation and fallout of CPS saying no caused me more trauma than the actual crime. They treated me like the criminal, I was interviewed 3 or 4 times and made to describe in detail everything that happened each time. I handed over my clothes, my phone, my friends were interviewed about me, my sex life was questioned. They had a text from the perpetrator to me admitting what had happened and apologising. CPS said there wasn’t enough evidence to go to court and the police told me this on my 18th birthday. That day, the perpetrator hung out with my friends and turned them against me - since he hadn’t been charged, he didn’t do anything wrong and I’m a liar, right? It broke up my friendship group, made people hate me and the ones that initially believed me, eventually seemed to forget what he did and began to hang out with him again. The 6 NHS counselling sessions I was given were awful- they passed me from counsellor to counsellor and none of them knew what to do with me except stick me on antidepressants. I turned to drugs and alcohol to cope and I often wonder what life would have been like if the series of events that led me to the party that night hadn’t happened. I often blame myself. Had I not been so drunk, it wouldn’t have happened. I’ve suffered terribly with my mental health since and apart from the obvious I don’t know what’s wrong with me, no medication has helped. It’s been nearly 8 years. I vowed I’d never go to the police again. I made the mistake of trusting them to help me last year when I reported the father of my child for domestic abuse. What a fool. Why do monsters get to strut away with no consequences and their lives in tact and victims are left to pick up the broken pieces of themselves with little actual support? I don’t know if I’ll ever stop being angry.

@NigelHarmansNewWife - See this is what baffles me. How and why did this pass the CPS' evidence threshold? I just don't understand sometimes how these decisions are made sometimes...

@TattedBarley I'm so sorry this happened to you. You were failed and I hope you find peace.

@GreenIsMyFavoriteColour I want to. But right now I am feeling incredibly fragile. Not in the right mind-frame at all. Another night that I've been up all night without sleep and missed my first counselling assessment as a result.

I have decided to put the case on hold/pause for the time-being. I believe I can do this and pick it up again. I just can't stay in my house and have all this going on in my mind. It's affecting everything. I am a prisoner with no way out. When I move house and I'm away from everything that reminds me of him, I know I'll be in a much stronger frame of mind to deal with it all.