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Original poster

Is there a diplomatic way out of this? (Christmas & family)

37 replies

ThunderThighs123 · 20/12/2023 20:15

I’ve been reading other threads on this theme, and was really impressed by the excellent advice you Mumsnetters give. I’m hoping you can help me too!

This is the issue.
My mother has suggested that she comes to ours for certain days over Christmas. This is our usual arrangement, so it’s usually fine. She’s a bit of a drain, but I can put up with it in small doses.

However, we recently moved about 50mins away, so this has altered things a lot.

Today, she’s made suggestions for this Christmas, and wants to know what I think. When I made a list of the dates, I realised that it would mean she’d be with me (catering and hosting) for 7 days in a row!

I really struggle to assert myself with her, and usually grin and bear it, but feel I need to nip this in the bud.

How do I make sure we get a break from her over Christmas? I’m fine with seeing her on the important days like Christmas Day, but I’m overwhelmed by the thought of her staying continuously like this.

She is very sensitive to any slight, so I really need to come up with a way to put her off without triggering World War 3.

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Cryingbutstilltrying · 20/12/2023 20:18

You’re already busy with lots of stuff, right?
She can come from the 24th to 26th, or whatever suits you.
If it’s transport that’s an issue, sort that out for her yourself. Take her home, book a cab and pay for it, you get the idea.
Just say to her the dates that work. Bit late now to be sorting this out though.

Laiste · 20/12/2023 20:18

How have you ended up with 7 days in a row exactly?

Laiste · 20/12/2023 20:19

There's always suspected covid ..... 😷😇

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Events & celebrations Families
Original poster
ThunderThighs123 · 20/12/2023 20:20

I’ve been avoiding the issue TBH…

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 20/12/2023 20:20

Tell her you’ve been invited elsewhere on Boxing Day, mate from work, no you don’t know her, or you’re being whisked away for a surprise romantic getaway the day after Boxing Day so she can stay til the evening then will have to go. Saying that, my parents would tell me to go and they’ll just slam the door when they leave! 🤬 Maybe you have other people coming to stay, so you need the room, maybe DH’s family?

Original poster
ThunderThighs123 · 20/12/2023 20:22

Laiste · 20/12/2023 20:18

How have you ended up with 7 days in a row exactly?

23rd to 29th Dec.!

OP posts:
Original poster
ThunderThighs123 · 20/12/2023 20:23

Cherrysoup · 20/12/2023 20:20

Tell her you’ve been invited elsewhere on Boxing Day, mate from work, no you don’t know her, or you’re being whisked away for a surprise romantic getaway the day after Boxing Day so she can stay til the evening then will have to go. Saying that, my parents would tell me to go and they’ll just slam the door when they leave! 🤬 Maybe you have other people coming to stay, so you need the room, maybe DH’s family?

I’m a terrible liar!

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 20/12/2023 20:26

ThunderThighs123 · 20/12/2023 20:23

I’m a terrible liar!

Show quote history

In that case, just put up with it or tell her you will need a rest after x amount of days. What do you want us to suggest if you won’t lie? Be dead honest and say you can’t cope with guests after 2/3 nights!

kimchio · 20/12/2023 20:26

How on earth did you manage that?! You need to say no now. So say something like 23rd to boxing day works for you then you and DH need some down time/want to get jiggy. Whatever will put her off.

kimchio · 20/12/2023 20:27

Cherrysoup · 20/12/2023 20:26

In that case, just put up with it or tell her you will need a rest after x amount of days. What do you want us to suggest if you won’t lie? Be dead honest and say you can’t cope with guests after 2/3 nights!

Show quote history

Exactly. You're going to have to just say 3 nights is enough hosting for you and then you'll pop round to see her on new year's day. I always find it helps to have the next visit booked in.

Cherrysoup · 20/12/2023 20:28

kimchio · 20/12/2023 20:26

How on earth did you manage that?! You need to say no now. So say something like 23rd to boxing day works for you then you and DH need some down time/want to get jiggy. Whatever will put her off.

🤣

Original poster
ThunderThighs123 · 20/12/2023 20:28

Cryingbutstilltrying · 20/12/2023 20:18

You’re already busy with lots of stuff, right?
She can come from the 24th to 26th, or whatever suits you.
If it’s transport that’s an issue, sort that out for her yourself. Take her home, book a cab and pay for it, you get the idea.
Just say to her the dates that work. Bit late now to be sorting this out though.

Thanks, Crying. Yes, transport is the main issue. I’ll give it some thought.

The underlying issue is that she wants to ‘spend time’ with me and my DC - much more than I’m comfortable with! She’s used to me having pretty non-existent boundaries, which is something I’m trying to rectify, starting with a move away.

OP posts:
wildwestpioneer · 20/12/2023 20:29

When you talk to her next just tell her that you can't make the whole 7 days and how about the 24th to 27th?

Original poster
ThunderThighs123 · 20/12/2023 20:33

kimchio · 20/12/2023 20:27

Exactly. You're going to have to just say 3 nights is enough hosting for you and then you'll pop round to see her on new year's day. I always find it helps to have the next visit booked in.

Show quote history

Thanks, Kimchio. Yes, I think this is the way forward.

I think I posted because I’m feeling guilty about being such a bad daughter, and about not asserting myself much earlier about this, and sticking my head in the sand!

OP posts:
Piggypiggyoinkoink · 20/12/2023 20:34

Mum now I’ve checked the dates you’ve suggested, what works for us is X-Y. Let me know what time you want to be collected on X, and we’ll look to drop you home for Z time on Y. Looking forward to seeing the back of you.

Original poster
ThunderThighs123 · 20/12/2023 20:34

God I sound like such a bloody wimp! How come I can be assertive in mother areas of my life, but go pass-agg when faced with her!?

OP posts:
Laiste · 20/12/2023 20:36

Mum, i've been thinking, we'll pick you up Sun (Xmas eve) morning, then we'll drop you back on Wed morn if that's ok because we want to

go to x, y z

do x, y z

have x, y z over to stay

then well come and get you again on Mon afternoon (for 1 night stay) for new years 🙂

Original poster
ThunderThighs123 · 20/12/2023 20:36

“other”

Freudian slip. 🙄

OP posts:
Laiste · 20/12/2023 20:38

Oh if you want to talk about daughter guilt than talk away! 😂 We don't need xmas excuses.

It's taken me 40 years to work out what every one else has always known - that my mother's a total self centered PITA but i still feel guilty standing up for myself Confused

Original poster
ThunderThighs123 · 20/12/2023 20:39

Piggypiggyoinkoink · 20/12/2023 20:34

Mum now I’ve checked the dates you’ve suggested, what works for us is X-Y. Let me know what time you want to be collected on X, and we’ll look to drop you home for Z time on Y. Looking forward to seeing the back of you.

Perfect! I like the phrasing.

OP posts:
Milknosugarta · 20/12/2023 20:39

Well she did just suggest those dates, I mean she's inviting herself, really.
I'd be inclined to tell her 25th to 27th only, or whatever suits you best. Don't be railroaded.

Original poster
ThunderThighs123 · 20/12/2023 20:41

Laiste · 20/12/2023 20:36

Mum, i've been thinking, we'll pick you up Sun (Xmas eve) morning, then we'll drop you back on Wed morn if that's ok because we want to

go to x, y z

do x, y z

have x, y z over to stay

then well come and get you again on Mon afternoon (for 1 night stay) for new years 🙂

Brilliant! It’s just so helpful to hear it articulated like this.

it’s like I play dead every year, hoping that this year, things will somehow be better! They never are. Go figure!

OP posts:
Original poster
ThunderThighs123 · 20/12/2023 20:42

Laiste · 20/12/2023 20:38

Oh if you want to talk about daughter guilt than talk away! 😂 We don't need xmas excuses.

It's taken me 40 years to work out what every one else has always known - that my mother's a total self centered PITA but i still feel guilty standing up for myself Confused

We could be sisters!

OP posts:
Original poster
ThunderThighs123 · 20/12/2023 20:46

Milknosugarta · 20/12/2023 20:39

Well she did just suggest those dates, I mean she's inviting herself, really.
I'd be inclined to tell her 25th to 27th only, or whatever suits you best. Don't be railroaded.

That’s true. I do feel railroaded, that’s a good way of putting it.
My response is to be too busy to ‘discuss’ what in her mind is a foregone conclusion, and not to risk her wrath and disapproval.

I knew I was right to ask the hive mind of Mumsnet. X

OP posts:
Gerwurtztraminer · 20/12/2023 20:49

The suggestions from @Piggypiggyoinkoink and @Laiste are good i.e. give the dates you will pick up and drop her off.

But don't give reasons or any details of other plans up to the 29th (and don't lie of you're bad at it!). Any details provided she'll shoot them down as not as important as her and try to get you to cancel them. If she asks why not longer just say 'we have other commitments'. And no, "they can't be change". A phrase I've seen used on MN I like: "that doesn't work for us". Keep on repeat.