Is there a diplomatic way out of this? (Christmas & family)

[ThunderThighs123]

I’ve been reading other threads on this theme, and was really impressed by the excellent advice you Mumsnetters give. I’m hoping you can help me too!

This is the issue.
My mother has suggested that she comes to ours for certain days over Christmas. This is our usual arrangement, so it’s usually fine. She’s a bit of a drain, but I can put up with it in small doses.

However, we recently moved about 50mins away, so this has altered things a lot.

Today, she’s made suggestions for this Christmas, and wants to know what I think. When I made a list of the dates, I realised that it would mean she’d be with me (catering and hosting) for 7 days in a row!

I really struggle to assert myself with her, and usually grin and bear it, but feel I need to nip this in the bud.

How do I make sure we get a break from her over Christmas? I’m fine with seeing her on the important days like Christmas Day, but I’m overwhelmed by the thought of her staying continuously like this.

She is very sensitive to any slight, so I really need to come up with a way to put her off without triggering World War 3.

Thanks in advance.

Good advice. My DC and I were planning a couple of play dates with his new school friend, and I’m keen to have my friends over, too. It’s just so nice to be able to be more relaxed and go with the flow a bit, at this time of year.

“We can have you from x day to x day. See you then!”

If she demands to know why, “that’s what works for us.”

”But I wanted to stay longer!”

”That doesn’t work for us. Are you going to visit or skip this year?”

And if she decides to play games and do the, “Fine! I won’t come!” DONT ARGUE. “I respect your decision.”

Then mute her EVERYWHERE. A quick call on the holiday, if she starts to complain, “Whoops, that’s the oven, gotta go!” and end the call.

Don’t let her hold you hostage with the threat of bad behaviour. You’re an adult. You can choose not to tolerate her bullying anymore

Yeah, actually pp's are right - don't explain yourself if she's likely to make a fuss. Just breezily tell her what works well for you and leave out the excuses and explanations. It's hard and doesn't come easily, but the more you do it the easier it gets.

Have you heard of 'grey rock' OP? It's a fancy name for 'keep at arm's length'. The less facts and details you tell the less ammo they have for their darstardly ways.

I keep convos with my mother light and polite with most info. coming from her.

God, I’d have to work up to that!

I know I’m an adult. Just need to convince my psyche of that fact!

When you’re brought up with it, guilt and emotional blackmail are hard to spot and even harder to fight against.

Thanks for giving me an objective view.

It is hard, but I’m determined to try.

Id love to keep it ‘light and polite’, but she complains that she never gets to ‘talk to me properly’ any more. AKA treat me like her personal therapist/ cheerleader!

You sound like you’ve got it sussed.

It’s the awful feeling of guilt I can’t stand. Always feeling I’ve let her down by trying to establish some boundaries with her. It’s hard to create a lively social life when you’ve got that nagging feeling she’s not going to like it!

@ThunderThighs123 sorry but I genuinely do not see the need for people to stay any more than one night over christmas!! she can come christmas morning and stay till boxing day, that is ample and it allows you to have time with your children

There is some great advice on this thread. Just stay calm when dealing with her, ESPECIALLY if she starts to lose her cool.

Good luck.

Thanks everyone for your great advice. I really appreciate it.

I’m going to sit down with a written plan of action, and stick to my guns!

Merry Christmas 🎄 Everyone! X

I’ve had great success with the “that doesn’t work for us” approach this year and managed to get my mum down from 2 weeks (I know…) to 7 days. Hold firm!

I am clearly in the presence of greatness.

Wow!

Go for it OP. We're all behind you!

Don't have any feelings of guilt as you are saying/doing nothing wrong and means you'll enjoy your break.

Thanks! Have a good one.

x