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Original poster

I just don't seem to "Get it"

38 replies

TheNameIsDickDarlington · 16/12/2023 13:07

Does anyone else ever feel like they've missed some really important information that everyone else seems to have?

I've only recently been able to put into words a feeling that I've always had, I feel like in life everyone is playing a game that they've all been told the rules to and I just never git a copy of the rules.

I feel like I'm struggling with every aspect of life. My house always feels chaotic and messy and I don't know how to fix it. I spend so much of my time stressed about the house and tidying the house and cleaning but it's never finished. Yet I go to some other people's homes (like my parents) and their house is always tidy and "visitor ready" mine never seems to be.

I feel stupider than everyone, everywhere I go. I often get really overwhelmed and can't find the words I need so end up sounding so thick. Everyone else just seems to have the words, or have a brain that actually works I feel like even my brain is messy and I'm always trying to unpick all my thoughts and tidy them up because it's like a big tangeld ball of wool in my head that I can't really finish any thought or my thoughts just move on and then I can't remember what I was meant to be doing and I can't retrace my thought process because it's all just screaming other eachother all the time.

I just feel like I'm struggling to make sense of the world. I've got 3 kids and I don't know how I'm meant to be strict but not too strict that they hate me and Rebel and ruin their lives, but also I'm their parent not their friend so I need them to respect me while still feeling like I'm the person they can always turn to and I won't judge them. I'm meant to be bringing them up to live in a world I don't understand and that I'm clearly failing in.

I've just had a cry in the kitchen because I feel so overwhelmed by mess and noise and choices I have to make that I don't feel I can. I can't even kill myself to escape it all because then there's noone to look after the kids but am I ruining their lives by being a role model? I don't know!

I just need to know if I am really totally broken and stupid or if anyone else has felt like this and has any advice for how to fix it?

OP posts:
HowAboutTheLittleSpoon · 16/12/2023 13:10

I honestly could have written this. I don't have any advice, but you're not alone.

Christmasmug · 16/12/2023 13:11

I feel like this, always have. Recently been diagnosed with autism, any neurodiversity in your family OP?

Singleandproud · 16/12/2023 13:14

I am absolutely not armchair diagnosing but this is literally how DD feels and she's autistic

Feels like an alien watching a weird species that all knows the rules of some game she doesn't.

Slower processing speed despite an IQ of 140+, so if asked a direct question gets flustered and doesn't know wha to say even though she actually does know the answer.

Noise can be ok where it's meant to be loud like at the theatre but chaotic noise like a busy house or shopping centre makes her overwhelmed, when she's overwhelmed she gets frustrated quickly normally at herself.

What I would do in your shoes is look at some coping strategies aimed at autistic and ADHD people and trial some and see whether they work. It doesn't matter if you don't actually have either condition you just might find a coping strategy that works a bit better for you

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 16/12/2023 13:16

Yes you just described me and I believe I am undiagnosed autistic. Self understanding goes a long way towards forgiving yourself for the things you struggle with. You could either look at getting yourself assessed, or just do your own research and see if it resonates with you. You are not alone x

bunhead1979 · 16/12/2023 13:16

Yes this was me for years wondering how everyone else knows stuff and can keep on top of things. Then i was diagnosed with autism in my late 30s and everything made sense!

barelyfunctional · 16/12/2023 13:17

Same here and I’ve recently come to realise it’s most likely autism/adhd.

RMNofTikTok · 16/12/2023 13:18

Have you ever been screened for autism or adhd? Or both?

Falalalalaa · 16/12/2023 13:18

Another one reading this and thinking autism/adhd.

You’re not failing OP, I wish I could give you a hug you sound so sad x

MolkosTeenageAngst · 16/12/2023 13:19

I’ve always felt like this. Diagnosed with autism and adhd in adulthood. Pull you be neurodiverse?

TheShellBeach · 16/12/2023 13:21

Don't put yourself down OP.

You've described a textbook case of ADHD and autism.

You're doing the best you can!

Psychoticbreak · 16/12/2023 13:22

Having had a recent diagnosis of ASD and ADHD this sounds like my brain too op.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 16/12/2023 13:24

Christmasmug · 16/12/2023 13:11

I feel like this, always have. Recently been diagnosed with autism, any neurodiversity in your family OP?

This.
You sound like my sister op - she has no idea about adulting really and l feel as if l guide her through life even though she is older than me. Never had a diagnosos (early 50's so wasn't a thing bavk then) but has a lot of autistic traits.

Terrribletwos · 16/12/2023 13:31

Oh yes, I have felt like this loads over the years. I think it's something that starts around your 30s and can mestatise if you let it. This is the time when you have to reflect and do some self work on your past thoughts, present thoughts and future hopes.

I can see by your post that rather than being stupid you're able and articulate.

I don't know how messy your house is but it's all relative. I clean thoroughly maybe once a month. I don't have pets or small kids tho. As long as it's passable and doesn't smell, I am happy.

littleblackcat27 · 16/12/2023 13:35

Hugs OP

i feel like that a lot.

Sugarfish · 16/12/2023 13:38

The messy brain struck a chord with me. I don’t consider myself stupid, I’m generally good at understanding most things, and at work for example I have a lot of ideas. But my god explaining them in a way so people can understand is difficult. It’s so frustrating not being able to get the words out, or in the right order.
A lot of what you’ve said I think most people can relate to though.

WhereDidILeaveMyMojo · 16/12/2023 13:40

Screams ASD/ADHD to me!

hoobydooby · 16/12/2023 13:43

I have vacuumed around 6 times in 12 years. Last time was over 4 years ago. Exhausted and overwhelmed. Can't get help as all the cleaning services I've tried won't work in such a mess. I feel defeated.

CuttingMeOpenthenHealingMeFine · 16/12/2023 13:44

I relate to this in some ways. I can keep on top of my house and I work a job that very much needs me switched on. But when it comes to ‘social norms’ I really struggle, I was just saying to DH the other day about how I never seem to fit into groups and how my children suffer for this (because there are groups of Mum friends where all the kids do fun stuff together) and I feel like I just don’t know what to do or how to act with other people to have these types of relationships or interactions, like, as you say, it’s a big game that everyone knows the rules to except me.

I don’t know the answer OP but I wish you the best and think you should stop being so hard on yourself re your house being visitor ready - it’s far easier for people who don’t have children living with them (like your parents) to keep up these standards.

CanIPutTheTreeUpYet · 16/12/2023 13:45

This is me... Except I generally manage to keep a tidy house... Though when everyone is here and leaves stuff everywhere it really drags me down. I can't stand clutter but don't always have the energy to tidy when everyone is home. I have PTSD so have always put it down to that but... Maybe there's more to it after reading these replies.

hopesndrrm · 16/12/2023 13:53

Yes I've always felt different.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 16/12/2023 13:58
  1. Have a look at some of those online tests to get an idea of whether you're ND.
  2. Accept that you find stuff harder than others, and really be kind to your self. There's always going to be people who are more organised/better dressed whatever. Just do what you can.
  3. Read the following:
  • Marie Kondo Life changing magic of tidying
  • the organised mum method
  • how to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones
  1. When speaking to people take a deep breath and imagine your self going up in a helicopter and looking down at the whole situation. Take a moment to collect your thoughts.

How old are DC?

pepperpod28 · 16/12/2023 13:59

"I feel like in life everyone is playing a game that they've all been told the rules to and I just never git a copy of the rules"

OP I could have written this. Just the other day I was trying to explain how...everything is for me and I said it was like living in a play and everyone else knows the plot and the lines and the stage directions, and I'm thrown in knowing nothing and expected to improvise with no clues.

FWIW I suspect I have undiagnosed ASD.

Original poster
TheNameIsDickDarlington · 16/12/2023 14:00

Wow thank you everyone for the replies, I didn't expect to get any quickly.

It certainly felt cathartic to write that all down. I will try and reply to people.

The person who asked if there was ASD in my family, my son is at the beginning of the referral process as I suspect he could be autistic.

It has been suggested by a friend of mine that I exhibit some traits, I've never told her anything I've written here though, I think she's just going by behaviours she has seen me do.

If this sounds like people's experience of ASD/ADHD then I will look into an assessment as even reading the responses here have made me feel a but better about myself that maybe I'm not just rubbish. So it would be something for me to look into for myself. I will definitely look up some coping mechanisms like a PP suggested, I think that's a really good idea. I need to find a way to cope with it all even if it's not an ASD issue, the mechanisms might help.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheNameIsDickDarlington · 16/12/2023 14:06

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 16/12/2023 13:58

  1. Have a look at some of those online tests to get an idea of whether you're ND.
  2. Accept that you find stuff harder than others, and really be kind to your self. There's always going to be people who are more organised/better dressed whatever. Just do what you can.
  3. Read the following:
  • Marie Kondo Life changing magic of tidying
  • the organised mum method
  • how to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones
  1. When speaking to people take a deep breath and imagine your self going up in a helicopter and looking down at the whole situation. Take a moment to collect your thoughts.

How old are DC?

Kids are 10, 4 and 2.

I like the helicopter idea, I'll try that. I definitely struggle to collect my thoughts, I often feel like I'm not in control of my own thoughts at all, they're like their own things being housed in my brain.

I'll look at those organising books. I've seen Marie Condo, I'm not sure if that'd work so much for me as I don't have much of my own stuff, it belongs to the kids and H, very little of their stuff brings me joy.

OP posts:
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