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Original poster

Do bosses ever consider the impact of work on ....

44 replies

wednamenov · 15/12/2023 10:02

... people who do not work for them?

I'm getting deeply pissed off with my husband's line managers.

DH can't manage his workload. Staff cuts and not replacing them. Which means he is often stressed on his laptop tap-tapping in the lounge at night trying to keep up with a job that has swelled. And the occasional sighing. His blasted job and stress in my personal space. My home.

On top of that, if he's stressed and huffing and puffing (lots and lots of involuntarily sighing goes on) then it falls to me to sort the children, do the mid evening collections from activities, dinner etc. Things I think should be 50% his tasks in after hours time.

I feel like my time is subsidising HIS job.

I'm trying to start a small business for myself. But I'm not doing that while taking on 100% of the load.

My work takes a back seat to his. It has to because that's how we pay our mortgage. I can't even rant about it to him because he is so STRESSED and I'd be adding to it.

I feel trapped, and I am developing an irrational rage at everyone more senior than him at his work for not considering the impact of what they demand of him on everyone else in his life.

And ... he's in a sector that doesn't pay well.

OP posts:
PuttingDownRoots · 15/12/2023 10:05

If they don't care for their employees they won't care for their families.

Its a shit situation.

theemmadilemma · 15/12/2023 10:07

Some do, some don't.

I fortunate to work for a company that is careful it's staff have excellent work/life balance and make sure people take appropriate time off.

Some don't give a fuck and it sounds like his company is one of them.

Feliciacat · 15/12/2023 10:08

This sounds like a public sector or charity sector job. If DH can have time off over Xmas then get him to apply for other jobs ready for January. Sorry you’re going through this. Jobs like this can absolutely ruin relationships.

comfyoldcardi · 15/12/2023 10:09

In his position I would be looking for a new job. They will just get someone else to exploit if he leaves.

senua · 15/12/2023 10:10

My work takes a back seat to his. It has to because that's how we pay our mortgage
And ... he's in a sector that doesn't pay well.
How do these two comments square up?Confused
I suggest: new year, new job!

PiddleOfPuppies · 15/12/2023 10:13

Part of that is your DH's problem - he is masking the fact the company is under-resourced by opting to work the ridiculous hours to cover the missing people. How much more unpaid overtime will he put in before he decides he's doing too much? Is there a cut off point where he realises he's devaluing his wage by an unacceptable account?

The senior managers do not care about your family life and are unlikely to be kept awake worrying that your DH is sending emails at 9pm as long as the money keeps rolling in.

My ex would do late nights & weekends to hide away from family responsibilities - it was justified because it was "work".

HotGirlInHell · 15/12/2023 10:13

Some do, some don't.

I once worked for someone who sacked me when I asked for two days off to try to look after my suicidal child.

On the other hand, I've had bosses who were only too happy to be flexible when I had family needs.

LordEmsworth · 15/12/2023 10:27

Seriously?

No, I treat my reports like grown ups and expect them to push back if they are struggling. In fact if they say they're busy, I'll expect them to tell me what I can do instead of them, or someone else can do, or can not get done at all. But I don't ask oooh how's your wife feeling about this. And I don't differentiate between those in relationships and those who aren't - it's unfair to suggest that if you're single then the boss should just expect you to crack on because it's not affecting anyone else

Original poster
wednamenov · 15/12/2023 22:36

I think any one who drops one out of the two people doing a job, won't recruit to replace, when that jobs workload is swelling, and not consider that that's not good, must be a bit daft. Or shit.

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Original poster
wednamenov · 15/12/2023 22:39

Feliciacat · 15/12/2023 10:08

This sounds like a public sector or charity sector job. If DH can have time off over Xmas then get him to apply for other jobs ready for January. Sorry you’re going through this. Jobs like this can absolutely ruin relationships.

He has been trying. Fingers crossed he finds something.

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GrumpyPanda · 15/12/2023 22:41

wednamenov · 15/12/2023 22:36

I think any one who drops one out of the two people doing a job, won't recruit to replace, when that jobs workload is swelling, and not consider that that's not good, must be a bit daft. Or shit.

By the same token, if that's what they're like they're very unlikely to fire him if he suddenly starts developing a spine and asks them to help him prioritize the most urgent tasks.

Original poster
wednamenov · 15/12/2023 22:42

senua · 15/12/2023 10:10

My work takes a back seat to his. It has to because that's how we pay our mortgage
And ... he's in a sector that doesn't pay well.
How do these two comments square up?Confused
I suggest: new year, new job!

Because the business won't make much money initially. And we need his income and can't risk it. This means we protect his job. (I need to do something that can accommodate a neurological condition I have).

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Original poster
wednamenov · 15/12/2023 22:43

PiddleOfPuppies · 15/12/2023 10:13

Part of that is your DH's problem - he is masking the fact the company is under-resourced by opting to work the ridiculous hours to cover the missing people. How much more unpaid overtime will he put in before he decides he's doing too much? Is there a cut off point where he realises he's devaluing his wage by an unacceptable account?

The senior managers do not care about your family life and are unlikely to be kept awake worrying that your DH is sending emails at 9pm as long as the money keeps rolling in.

My ex would do late nights & weekends to hide away from family responsibilities - it was justified because it was "work".

I think this is a very good point. But he feels driven to protect his job at all costs.

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myphoneisbroken · 15/12/2023 22:44

I have to say I think your DH is also enabling this situation by just doing the extra work and letting you pick up the slack. If he was a single parent, he wouldn't have the option to do this and would have to say "sorry I couldn't get the work done because I had to take DC to football/go to Aldi/etc" I am sensitive about this as a single parent in a sector with a long hours culture.

PangramAddict · 15/12/2023 22:45

My DP once worked for a start up who considered giving partners a payment for the inconvenience of on call work. It never actually happened.

In his current job he always seems to end up on call at Xmas and no one gives a shit. He refuses to push back on always being rotaed on so I see it as a him issue not a work issue. He is in computing btw, not ambulance driving!

Original poster
wednamenov · 15/12/2023 22:46

myphoneisbroken · 15/12/2023 22:44

I have to say I think your DH is also enabling this situation by just doing the extra work and letting you pick up the slack. If he was a single parent, he wouldn't have the option to do this and would have to say "sorry I couldn't get the work done because I had to take DC to football/go to Aldi/etc" I am sensitive about this as a single parent in a sector with a long hours culture.

I do make this point to him all the time. I am unpaid support. Drives me mad.

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pinkdelight · 15/12/2023 22:48

*I'm getting deeply pissed off with my husband's line managers.

DH can't manage his workload.*

Short answer is no, because his workload management is his issue to deal with or to raise either his line managers. How it impacts on you is for the two of you to deal with together. His managers have enough to deal with, and partners of their own no doubt who wish they managed their workload better. Not everything is the boss's fault. If you want to even things out at home more then you probably need a job that pays straightaway rather than starting a business which won't do that.

idontlikealdi · 15/12/2023 22:52

He needs to deal with with his workload. Dependent on where he is on the pay scale late nights are a given. He needs to carve out an office space where he isn't impacting you and the rest of the family.

Original poster
wednamenov · 15/12/2023 22:52

@GrumpyPanda Jobs are like hens teeth in his sector. Which is why he's finding it difficult to move on, and why they can treat people like rubbish and get away with it. If he leaves, there'll be a hundred skilled people queuing up to replace him. There's a culture too, I think, where most of the senior people have SAHW and pretty much don't worry about anything. I think deep down they would probably think (if they think at all) me running the home all the time so he can work all hours is the natural order of things.

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Original poster
wednamenov · 15/12/2023 22:55

pinkdelight · 15/12/2023 22:48

*I'm getting deeply pissed off with my husband's line managers.

DH can't manage his workload.*

Short answer is no, because his workload management is his issue to deal with or to raise either his line managers. How it impacts on you is for the two of you to deal with together. His managers have enough to deal with, and partners of their own no doubt who wish they managed their workload better. Not everything is the boss's fault. If you want to even things out at home more then you probably need a job that pays straightaway rather than starting a business which won't do that.

If you want to even things out at home more then you probably need a job that pays straightaway rather than starting a business which won't do that.

Which is why I noted above that the reason why I'm starting a business, is because I have a neurological condition which means I have to take a lot of time off when symptoms flare.

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Original poster
wednamenov · 15/12/2023 22:59

idontlikealdi · 15/12/2023 22:52

He needs to deal with with his workload. Dependent on where he is on the pay scale late nights are a given. He needs to carve out an office space where he isn't impacting you and the rest of the family.

How late though? In the two weeks previously he's been working until past midnight almost every night. I can barely talk to him because he's so distracted and exhausted

I used to work hours like this before I became ill. But I got paid for it. His overtime isn't recognised at all.

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ActDottie · 15/12/2023 23:00

PuttingDownRoots · 15/12/2023 10:05

If they don't care for their employees they won't care for their families.

Its a shit situation.

Basically this.

I’ve had it a bit with my husband’s work lately, I’m 35 weeks pregnant and my husband was asked to stay late at work until 8:30, get home at 9 for a week, despite doing some late shifts the previous week!!!

It was really cheeky of them to ask given he’d already stepped up the week before and others hadn’t.

I was so glad that my husband put his foot down and said “no I’ve done enough my wife is at home heavily pregnant and I want to spend time with her”. I’m also high risk for MH issues and I was becoming increasingly worn down by working from home and spending the evening on my own too.

Can your husband look for another job? I don’t think the culture of the management is going to change so I’d personally start looking. Given you said he’s paid badly anyway could he even look at a new career ?

theduchessofspork · 15/12/2023 23:00

Can you plot with him for him to move jobs?

Original poster
wednamenov · 15/12/2023 23:03

@ActDottie He's mid-fifties and I can't see him starting anything new at his age. He has regrets though. Wishes he hadn't pursued degrees and instead done plumbing and worked for himself. Sorry to hear you have similar challenges.

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Original poster
wednamenov · 15/12/2023 23:05

theduchessofspork · 15/12/2023 23:00

Can you plot with him for him to move jobs?

We do, all the time. Jobs are rare, and in high demand. He has had his confidence badly knocked by recent rejections, which only makes him more wary of rocking the boat at work.

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