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Original poster

Do bosses ever consider the impact of work on ....

44 replies

wednamenov · 15/12/2023 10:02

... people who do not work for them?

I'm getting deeply pissed off with my husband's line managers.

DH can't manage his workload. Staff cuts and not replacing them. Which means he is often stressed on his laptop tap-tapping in the lounge at night trying to keep up with a job that has swelled. And the occasional sighing. His blasted job and stress in my personal space. My home.

On top of that, if he's stressed and huffing and puffing (lots and lots of involuntarily sighing goes on) then it falls to me to sort the children, do the mid evening collections from activities, dinner etc. Things I think should be 50% his tasks in after hours time.

I feel like my time is subsidising HIS job.

I'm trying to start a small business for myself. But I'm not doing that while taking on 100% of the load.

My work takes a back seat to his. It has to because that's how we pay our mortgage. I can't even rant about it to him because he is so STRESSED and I'd be adding to it.

I feel trapped, and I am developing an irrational rage at everyone more senior than him at his work for not considering the impact of what they demand of him on everyone else in his life.

And ... he's in a sector that doesn't pay well.

OP posts:

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 15/12/2023 23:06

He needs to apply for a new job.

Littlewhitecat · 15/12/2023 23:11

It's hard to know if it is a DH problem or a manager problem OP. I genuinely care for my team and their home life (so I do care about their families). However, I have had staff who regularly log on at weekends, or late at night when they absolutely don't need to. It seems like some people have to define themselves by being overworked. I've lost count of the number of 121s I've had with colleagues where we've talked about work load, I've explained what i expect them to do, and not do and then they are sending me emails at 4am as if I'm going to give them a round of applause. I have a team of 12 at the moment and i have one that does this - none of the rest of the team does.

Sirian · 15/12/2023 23:27

My DH’s employer is like this and YANBU for being annoyed. His workload is too heavy which means he ends up working an extra hour or two every night. Then I get the cooking and childcare dumped on me because he comes home late and is too tired to take his turn at putting the kids to bed. It’s not fair.

Sometimes his workload is so heavy that he even asks me to be his “assistant” and do some non specialist tasks for him. I say I’m not getting paid and he says no, but I’m getting paid and we need my job to pay the mortgage. If he doesn’t keep up with this excessive workload he gets yelled at, and I know he feels bad about failing.

I’ve told him many times that he needs to let them see the consequences of being under-resourced even if that means he fails to deliver and gets yelled at. Because he’s keeping up with the workload at the expense of me and the kids, and it’s just not fair. If he keeps doing this I will eventually leave him.

Original poster

wednamenov · 16/12/2023 00:05

Littlewhitecat · 15/12/2023 23:11

It's a manager problem. He hates the hours. He has raised it at every single appraisal, but nothing changes.

OP posts:

Original poster

wednamenov · 16/12/2023 00:10

I wonder how many jobs are actually only feasible with two people working them, one of them unpaid at home?

I too get asked to 'read this', 'check this', I'm too tired I'm struggling for words'. etc.

My resentment is such that I've started refusing. But it just means it's tougher on him. I think if he has a break down they'll just have a sad face and replace him.

OP posts:

mollyfolk · 16/12/2023 00:16

A poorly paid sector that you need to dedicate your life to ? Is this the non profit sector by any chance? Worked in it all of my working life. Obviously your working with a volunteering ethos and it can be more of a vocation than a job . I had to take a step back when I had my children and the world didn’t fall in - I just became more effective within my hours.

TheaBrandt · 16/12/2023 00:18

The worst was when I worked in the city and a junior solicitor got trapped in a deal. He was supposed to go on holiday. His girlfriend went ahead and he was supposed to join but could never leave. So the poor girl was on holiday on her own. He left the firm soon after wisely.

Original poster

wednamenov · 16/12/2023 00:21

It's not. I can't be too specific because it's very niche so outing, but it's in the scientific sector where most have PhDs. There's a big gap between what people think he earns and what he actually earns. What he actually earns for his education and hours and size of projects he manages, is an absolute disgrace imho. I suppose in the way I was surprised Barristers aren't always well paid. Or junior doctors.

OP posts:

Original poster

wednamenov · 16/12/2023 00:22

That previous was replying to @mollyfolk .

OP posts:

Original poster

wednamenov · 16/12/2023 00:23

TheaBrandt · 16/12/2023 00:18

Good for him. Odds are if he didn't, his girlfriend would gave left him and he'd have been miserable in a job that treated him like crap.

OP posts:

GnomeDePlume · 16/12/2023 10:17

I have been in your DH's position. It is horrible. You are constantly worried for your job. This gets worse as you get older.

Companies do take advantage. They will lean on their older experienced staff and push and push. There is something of the boiling frog in it.

DH was left to deal with all things domestic. This was okay because he is fit and healthy. Much harder for you @wednamenov .

I did manage to move out a couple of years ago at age 55. Same job but a different company. Much better paid and a lot less pressure.

When I handed my notice in my previous employer was all 'but... but... but...'. They didnt manage to permanently fill my role (boiling frog, I had got used to the water temperature but new starters felt how hot the water was and instantly left).

Original poster

wednamenov · 16/12/2023 10:40

@GnomeDePlume

I have been in your DH's position. It is horrible. You are constantly worried for your job. This gets worse as you get older.

This is it. And why you don't rock the boat . And why companies know they can take more than they actually pay for. And I absolutely despise them for it.

I wish DH could find something but the competition for jobs is fierce and he isn't as young as the bright bushy-tailed others applying.

I used to work in his company. Alongside one of the people who has gone on to be extremely senior now. I've been so tempted to get in touch and give him a piece of my mind so many times. Yes, I know that would be a very BAD idea. But if he could hear the words I have for him and his ilk in my head he'd flinch.

OP posts:

StoneTheCrone · 16/12/2023 10:56

Can he make a lateral move into other high paying industries such as pharma or bio-tech?

Original poster

wednamenov · 16/12/2023 11:15

StoneTheCrone · 16/12/2023 10:56

Can he make a lateral move into other high paying industries such as pharma or bio-tech?

No, unfortunately. God I wish.

One of the issues I have is him telling me, stressed, that he has no time to look for other work. That that process itself is time consuming and he literally has no time to do it. And I know he's right.

We just had a massive row about Christmas. I have his family coming over on the day - our turn - the house is complete chaos, gifts to be bought, meals to think about, booze to buy, friends expecting us to visit (friends who have normal lives and can enjoy times like this) and he has been totally absent. So much to do. He hasn't given a split second thought to any of it. He has asked me what I want for Christmas ... he doesn't even try to think about me any more it's all 'oh please just tell me what you get it's so hard I don't have time I'm so stressed'. For a job that pays rubbish...?

He has now left the room like a sad whipped dog. Exuding 'I'm trapped, this isn't fair, it's not my fault'. Which drives me nuts too because for weeks I've been stressing and saying nothing because I'm not allowed to stress him out and make things even worse because ....

Which is why I came on here now ...

The comment from a PP earlier about if you're senior you expected to do a 'bit of' overtime. That culture, that attitude, to me, feels like a version of fraud. I feel it's immoral and unethical and fraudulent. To take from people what you don't pay for, or isn't agreed to upfront in a contract, is just wrong. And in cases like mine ... it takes from my husband, from me, from my children ... I have zero - ZERO - respect for anyone who is oblivious to this. I have contempt for people who think this is acceptable.

I'm a bit wild because I've just had a massive row. I can tell you what's going to happen now: he'll try and clean like a maniac, exuding misery and stress, and then work until 2am this evening. And I will know he's working that late, possibly compromising his health etc, because I lost it and pressured him into helping out on a Saturday instead of working. 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:

Heatherbell1978 · 16/12/2023 11:26

I empathise as this is my DH. Except it's a him problem rather than his company as he's in his third job since we met and has displayed the same behaviours even when he was quite junior and working in the evenings wasn't worth it or necessary at that pay level.

I have learned to just tolerate it now and the only reasons I can do that are because 1) he's paid quite well and it's a small company who could let him go like a shot. He's only worked for smaller businesses and 2) my work pattern allows me to pick up the slack - I also work full time but for a larger more flexible company.

I absolutely carry the mental load but DH helps out practically a lot. Basically anything that doesn't require him to think - cooking, bedtime, bins etc. It's not ideal but it's a reasonable compromise.

GnomeDePlume · 16/12/2023 12:52

@wednamenov I know it is difficult looking for another job. What I would recommend is making sure he is on LinkedIn or whatever the science equivalent is. His profile needs to have lots of detail of the things he has achieved and the things he is responsible for.

I say this because I too had given up looking for another job. Mid 50s and rather beaten down.

My new job found me! My profile ticked a lot of boxes for a niche role in a completely different industry. Turned out they had been trying to fill the role for well over a year.

I talked to the recruitment company. They said they use algorithms to spit out potential profiles based on the role they are trying to fill. So his LinkedIn profile needs that detail.

Original poster

wednamenov · 16/12/2023 13:17

@GnomeDePlume Thanks for that tip. I'll suggest it to him.

OP posts:

GnomeDePlume · 16/12/2023 14:12

Good luck to you both.

RuffledKestrel · 16/12/2023 21:08

This is much more your DH's problem than his work imo.
It's easier said than done in most cases, but he needs to stand up for himself and only work for what he is realistically paid for. Doesn't matter how high up the management tree he is, everyone should only work so many hours a day and then have down time. He is not only mismanaging his work load, but mismanaging his life. He needs to learn to say no to more work, set realistic deadlines that are achievable using standard working days and/or delegate work to others.

If this is the way he has worked for years, I doubt changing jobs will make much of a difference.

You work to live, not live to work.

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