No friends

[takemebacktothe90sSsSs]

Posted this on the ND board but then realised it's hidden and the posts don't get much response. Please be kind/gentle...//

I'm really struggling with my friend situation. I've always struggled to make friends and I find it hard to keep them too.

I have adhd and I'm pretty certain I have autism or some other ND.

I feel like I just repel friends and people in general

Primary school seemed to be okay, I was in with a "quiet" group and was in the choir etc. Secondary school was the point where I noticed the shift.

I have no friends from school years, no friends from Uni or any of the jobs I've worked in over the years. People just seem to dump me and I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

I just don't feel valued and I'm so lonely.

I don't know why I'm posting because I know it won't change anything, but wide awake as usual at this time and just going over it in my mind.

I wish I had an answer but I'm in exactly the same position, have ADHD and find making/keeping friends hard. Making acquaintances is fine, people don't seem to react badly to me so I have to assume I'm not rude/unlikeable but I seem to be completely undesirable, for want of a better word. I've had people describe us as good friends/close friends but then easily forget me and walk away without seeming to have a second thought. If I try and maintain the contact it seems like the minute I stop they'll drift off again so it doesn't seem worth keeping up a fake friendship. Does any of that sound similar?

Hi, thanks for the reply.

Yes I'd definitely say that sounds familiar...acquaintances, people I know but no actual friends.

People in the past that I thought were my friend but then I realised I was the only one making the effort. So I stepped back, and guess what? Nothing, just radio silence. This has been with a few people.

It just feels like I get dumped so quickly and forgotten about easily. In jobs I feel quite invisible. I can go a whole weekend and not speak to another soul, no messages to my phone.

I don't know what I can do to try make some friends because I'm scared of being forgotten about again. I'm mid-40s.

There are so many of these threads on MN that I think it's really quite common.

I'm early sixties, and been a people pleaser all my life. I have observed how some other people have not had to put in effort to keep friendships going, yet I have done all (or a lot) the running in mine, it doesn't makes sense to me. I consider myself a good friend, but now I don't/wont put myself out anymore, and if that means people won't like me, then so be it.

I have many acquaintances, two actual friends which I've had for many years, and yes, at times it's been a little bumpy, but somehow it's stood the test of time.

I have a partner too, so I guess that makes a difference, but I'm lonely, and I've accepted I'll always be lonely. I'm too tired now to be bothered with being constantly disappointed by people's behaviour.

What have I learned in life? Yes friendships need to be nurtured, and need effort however, if you are not being yourself in order to make/keep friends, then it's inevitable it will not work. People pleasing definitely does NOT work.

Be yourself OP, you'll find that people gravitate to the 'popular' crowd, so find those people who are looking for genuine friendships. Try a hobby/interest group, if you gain a friend from it then that's a bonus, but maybe give it a try.

Thanks for replying

Yes I've seen a few similar threads and it's sad to read.

I can identify with the people pleasing behaviour. Bending over backwards and always putting myself out. When I look back at the crazy things I used to do! And when I stopped...people disappeared.

I have no partner so I'm feeling extra lonely. Separated from my husband 4 years ago and have been going through a messy divorce for 2 years. Another reason I'm feeling so lonely....having to fight for what is mine, and feeling very insignificant in the process.

I know this sounds really sad but I don't have any hobbies or interests. With having adhd I tend to jump in to something but then lose interest very quickly. I don't even know how I would go about trying to start a friendship. I just want to feel like I matter to someone. It's a very lonely life

Oh and I was meant to say, since my adhd diagnosis 5 years ago, I gradually stopped masking and I'm very almost completely me now. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. But I decided to ditch the mask and I'm upfront about my adhd in the workplace as I do get some adjustments, but I'm only upfront in the right situations instead of shouting from the rooftops

I read a study before that basically states that neurotypicals can sense when someone is neurodivergant within seconds of meeting them, it's not a conscious thing but whatever they notice in us actually puts them off.
Have you tried finding others who are nd? There's an nd friendship app that might help you connect to others in your area.

Oh that's not good. NT people are put off ND people? That's not encouraging although may well be the reality. I'm definitely not the kind of person who lights up a room or who anyone flocks to.

What's the name of the app please? I don't know how I feel about actively seeking out friendships because it just feels like I'm setting myself up for disappointment. Sorry if I'm coming across as negative, it's just what I'm used to.

Kind of feels like this is it for me and how it's going to be. Even though I have acquaintances, they're not people I would send a birthday card to, don't even know when their birthday is, can't remember the names of their children. People I've worked with over the years, that kind of thing.

Can you please share what the app is?

That explains a lot. I have adhd with string autistic traits & I have no friends. I have a husband & children.
I find when I meet someone new there face glazes over after a couple of minutes & they look for someone else to talk to.
I found the school gates awful but thankfully my children are older now.
It's very exhausting but I found the best method is acceptance & to be my own BFF.
It's very sad but unfortunately life is very hard when your ND.
I was so excited when my dc started preschool & school. I thought I'd finally make friends but I think I was very quickly labelled as odd so I wasn't invited to coffee mornings etc.
I don't know why I repel people. I've always tried hard to make an effort. A few times I have thought I had made a mum friend but then realise it's me making all the effort & communication

I wasn't sure I was allowed but it's called hikki.

It's called hikki. Honestly don't give up,try the app , even just for people to Chat to. It can make a huge difference in that lonely feeling

You need to find your nd tribe, it’s out there!
search for asd/adhd Facebook group's in your local area/county. Lots and lots are popping up now.

just when you find them remember to be aware that they have the same traits and behaviours as you so friendships can look different.

I’m NT and I don’t think the issue is limited to ND people. I see so many threads on here. I think sometime it’s just circumstances. Also, many people only have one or two friends and they maybe live far away. Most people have many more acquaintances and with a partner and chn and work that can be enough.
I wouldn’t say ADHD would put me off, I work with a couple of people with that. Some of the funniest people I know. Autism can be tricky as in some the lack of social awareness or reading the room can be tricky to navigate or get past.

Yes to eyes glazing over my heart sinks when I see it.

When my DC were younger I also hated the school gates. I'd get them there for 8.58am and then whisk them away at home time. I would see the other parents standing in their little groups and wonder what I was doing wrong, even though I had previously put in the effort and tried. I wouldn't say I try too hard so I'm not sure it's that.

Self acceptance has been hard. It's even harder since my adhd diagnosis. I always knew I was different and only sought my diagnosis for the reasonable adjustments I needed for work. I'm a healthcare professional and interestingly the part I enjoy most is the patient contact, and I always tend to get very good feedback on this. The paperwork and report writing side of things...it's my downfall. So it's as though I'm okay in small dose.

As awful as it sounds, I don't want to just find my tribe. I also don't want to be alienated by the wider society.

It's especially hard coming up to Christmas with all the posts about "girls nights out" etc. I hate meeting up with dhs sister at Christmas. She never liked me even though I have never done anything to offend her that I am aware of.
She's senses weaknesses in me & constantly goes on about how busy she is, her hectic social life & all her nights out with her mum friends. Then she'll say something like "another quiet Christmas for you again" as she's well aware I have no friends..

Romdowa thank you for that, I'll have a look for the app

Thank you, that's appreciated

Hi, thanks for the reply.

No it's definitely not limited just to ND people. A lonely life regardless.

I've come off SM altogether for reasons like this. All the girls days/nights out. Seeing all the happy birthday messages to others etc. Best thing I done was coming off.

That's appalling behaviour from her, my resilience is practically zero at the moment, that would probably break me.

@takemebacktothe90sSsSs I avoid for the rest of the year but Christmas unfortunately is unavoidable. It's horrible as I know the intent behind it. Social media is very hard at this time.

I have asd. I had a couple of friends at school. But since then have struggled with friendships, I can make a group of friends (at a hobby or playgroup) but it never lasts. It's great for a while but then it slowly fades out and some people maintain a friendship after but no one ever seems to want to with me. I use to make lots of effort but I've stopped in the last couple of years as I realised people don't make an effort back and I found it too hurtful when I people cancelled/ignored me. I have one good friend now, she has adhd she's lovely but hard work as she struggles to support others and needs lots of support herself. I am lucky I have a wonderful family.

I have lots of friends and I am not neurotypical. As a child I struggled hugely with social relationships and fell out of mainstream school partly because of this. I can tell you how I solved this problem, though I am not you and my solutions may not be yours. By understanding myself more clearly, I can see how I have rejected and repelled people all my life. It is actually me!

1. My real friendships are primarly topic based. This is the most important thing. I'm not interested in your hairdo or your dog's health problems, so those kinds of casual friendships people strike up around school gates will never develop for me into a proper friend. I know this by now so I am friendly to those people but also recognise my underlying "vibe" is clearly signalling this to them! It's me! I'm the one rejecting them even though I don't feel that I am. (But your dog is boring.)

=> Think about the friendships you actually don't want. Stop pursuing those. They can tell.

2. To get to know people I need to spend extended periods of time with them one to one, working together towards a shared goal. It doesn't have to be work - it could be volunteering or a creative hobby - but I've never made friends in a group or with a group. So I find things I am wildly into and work really hard on them and the people that show up and get into it with me? They usually become friends.

=> Think about the times you have made friends. What are the patterns? What are the good patterns?

3. It can be emotionally bruising to be friends with me and sometimes it just doesn't work for people. I let them go. I may not mean to be brutal or see when I'm doing it, but like very large/strong men, I need to recognise the outsize impact of my personality. That doesn't mean I need to feel badly about it (I don't) but it's just a thing to price in. I actively bank grace with people by cheerfully letting go their trespasses that I actually don't mind? I don't care if you forget my birthday, or don't phone me (please don't phone me), or leave it six months between visits. I do care about honesty, kindness, creativity, and humour. So I let go ideas of how people should be or what other people expect, and focus on what nourishes me in my actual life.

=> Can you think through this clearly for yourself? What do you really need in a friend, and what can you give?

I hope it helps. I also had a look at meetup , it's another app where people post about groups that are meeting in your area and I found a group of nd people and got added to the WhatsApp. I'm not too good at in person socialising , I've a young child and a chronic illness but the choice is always there should I want to attend.

This is a very helpful thread OP. Whilst it's sad we all feel like this, I think it's good to share ideas and know we aren't alone. I suspect I'm ND. Never diagnosed but struggled massively growing up (and still do) be it social interaction, communicating what I want, organisation. Sometimes I don't even know where to start. I want to join a hobby group and then I sit there thinking ok, how?

I read that research study too. Basically people don’t want to be friends with people who have autism.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5286449/

I have autism and I have no friends. I get rejected over and over. Recently I tried to make friends with a new neighbour, we had a brief chat and she happily invited me to join her and a couple of friends for a day out - then repeatedly made excuses about being super busy for months until I gave up asking to see her again. So I obviously made a bad impression. I still don’t know why.

Unfortunately autism makes it difficult to get jobs too, because ultimately the employer hires someone they like and want to have lunch with every day. I’ve often been rejected in favour of less qualified candidates who don’t have autism. I get told that my qualifications and experience are excellent but I’m not being hired because of facial expressions or inability to make small talk.

Sadly I don’t think there’s a solution. People don’t like my autism and I can’t cure myself of it. The only thing you can do is to figure out how to be ok with being alone.