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Original poster

Why on eaaarth do I keep getting cold feet over having a baby?

48 replies

whisperclip · 12/12/2023 18:44

DH and I got married earlier this year. We had been together for 3 years before that and lived with each other for two.

We have excitedly spoken about one day having our own family since the day we met, and the plan was always to TTC soon after getting married. We are young enough (both 20s) to wait a bit but see no strikingly obvious reason to, as life is short. I think from a biological point of view it makes sense to do it now if we can. We have been on some lovely trips and holidays together and it feels like the natural next thing. Our parents were also older-ish having us, so we want them to be young enough grandparents to be around and hopefully see our DC into adulthood.

It’s our third month of trying and for some reason, each month around my fertile week when I know we could logically conceive I always have a few niggly doubts creep into mind. This is mainly about affording them, whether we should enjoy some time to have lovely long lazy mornings and two good salaries that don’t need to pay for childcare or baby related expenses. Everyone on the internet particularly here and TikTok seems to report extremely high stress levels, the roommate phase with your partner, never sleeping again, your body never being the same again. This worries me a lot.

I’ve always wanted to be a mummy since I was little and together we have so much love, effort and energy to give. DH is an equal partner and in fact does considerably more housework, cooking and cleaning than I have ever done. I know he’ll be a great father.

Despite having the worried doubts of ‘are we ready’ every month and thinking, omg, what have we done.. pregnancy will be like a trap, my life will never be the same again and there’s no turning back…. DESPITE thinking all this throughout my cycle, I have been really upset each time the tests were negative and wished nothing more that each month was our lucky month.

It’s weird how conflicted I am over it and it doesn’t make sense to me. I hope it makes a flicker of sense to someone else and if it resonates with how you have felt or are feeling please let me know! Thoughts or tips appreciated x

OP posts:
Hibambinos · 12/12/2023 18:53

You don’t sound ready, and that is fine! U are young! Put on hold for a year and see how you feel then. If you rush and are not ready for the huge commitment, you’ll blame the child and be resentful

salamirose · 12/12/2023 18:56

I will be honest with you. It is both the best and the worst thing I've done.

Laiste · 12/12/2023 18:58

You're not quite ready.

You've got AGES yet.

Leave it 6 months and see. Or leave it a year and see.

Interested in this thread?

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Families
DeedlessIndeed · 12/12/2023 18:59

Sorry, I think this says your not ready.

I went through the "toying with the idea" phase for a fair few years. I knew I wanted children. I couldn't wait to start having them. I'd be annoyed at my period as it was a further sign I wasn't pregnant. Partner and I had it all planned etc.

However, whilst a few niggles are usual, I think if you get them regularly/monthly, you should hold off. It is such a big commitment, and one additional year to save to buy the right sized house / get extra savings for a really comfortable maternity or be a SHP / really appreciate the complete chilled life before babies might make all the difference.

MooQuackNeigh · 12/12/2023 19:01

Both times I got a positive test my immediate reaction was 'what have we done!!' it's scary and a massive change but if you have always wanted children then you should go for it. It's the hardest thing I've ever done but never regretted it and I say that with one Sen child.

Just coming out the otherside DC are 3 and 5 (waves from the otherside) it's alot.

Original poster
whisperclip · 12/12/2023 19:12

MooQuackNeigh · 12/12/2023 19:01

Both times I got a positive test my immediate reaction was 'what have we done!!' it's scary and a massive change but if you have always wanted children then you should go for it. It's the hardest thing I've ever done but never regretted it and I say that with one Sen child.

Just coming out the otherside DC are 3 and 5 (waves from the otherside) it's alot.

Thank you, it’s validating that you felt the same

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quiteathome · 12/12/2023 19:15

It is such a big life change it is not surprising that you feel like this. It is normal. How about rather than specifically trying, just enjoy yourselves and see if it happens if that makes sense.

Yes it changes everything and your body, but you can work through all of those things.

Gettingbysomehow · 12/12/2023 19:16

Are you sure you want children?It's totally life changing and not always in a good way.

Original poster
whisperclip · 12/12/2023 19:18

Gettingbysomehow · 12/12/2023 19:16

Are you sure you want children?It's totally life changing and not always in a good way.

Yeah, definitely sure. I’m more worried about getting it ‘right’ for them and all of us being okay I guess rather than it being this negative draining time that everyone says it is! I’m sure it has its moments and difficult parts but surely there are rewarding and lovely parts of parenting too

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TeaKitten · 12/12/2023 19:19

If you aren’t ready yet wait, it’s amazing but you really do need to be ready! And stop watching crap on tik tok about how rubbish it is. There are good bits, there are bad bits, but that’s just life isn’t it? Another year and you might be totally ready for it.

MeinKraft · 12/12/2023 19:20

Oh god this couldn't be normal. It would be really unusual to not second guess making such a huge life change. It's good that you're thinking it through constantly and that you know it's not always going to be a bed of roses.

Swirls346 · 12/12/2023 19:22

It's natural. It's because things change and are never the same again. It doesn't mean you aren't ready. Personally don't think anyone is ever fully ready and it's always a massive shock no matter how "prepared" you feel.
You won't regret it, being a mother is the most amazing thing I've ever done.
I've also never been so tired in my whole life and felt so so stressed at times.
It's still worth it. The good outweighs the bad. It tests your relationship to the extreme but you sound like you've got a strong relationship.

itsmylife7 · 12/12/2023 19:23

I've heard a saying "children are like being in prison "

It's actually true in a weird way. You're never free to do what you want,when you want.

Zapx · 12/12/2023 19:26

You don’t sound “not ready” to me, you sound realistic! I have three, it’s been so much more than I could ever have imagined. If you’re sure you want children then I’d say try and focus on the good. Yes things are sometimes hard with little ones but that’s going to be true whenever you have them. And I think most people have a “what have we done” moment when finding out they’re going to be parents!

Coolstorysis · 12/12/2023 19:28

If you have kids you are just going to live your life with this extra human who you are responsible for and looks like you. You are not responsible for building some theoretical superhuman.

It's unlikely conditions will ever be perfect, even when they are born. Shit happens

Coolstorysis · 12/12/2023 19:30

I certainly had a what the fuck have I done moment in the postnatal ward. The pregnancy was entirely academic for me before then 😂

Original poster
whisperclip · 12/12/2023 19:35

Coolstorysis · 12/12/2023 19:30

I certainly had a what the fuck have I done moment in the postnatal ward. The pregnancy was entirely academic for me before then 😂

I love this! Haha

OP posts:
magicofthefae · 12/12/2023 19:40

I had those niggling doubts, tbh I wish I listened to them. The TikTok people are just being honest (and probably a bit click bait and controversial at the same time).

Don't go into parenthood unless you're 100% sure you can handle the worst case scenario. For example, SEN child, single parenthood, drop in income due to redundancy/disability, the grandparents not being there due to ill health/death/going back on there words.

Your life will never be the same again. There is a reason why women with the highest IQs are childfree by choice.

But if you're 100% sure, biologically, it's best to do it while you're young in your 20's. I had mine in my 30's, and honestly, keeping up with the energy levels of kids gets harder as you get older. So the younger you get the kid stuff out the way, the better for you in the long run. It's a lie that having kids in your late 30's and 40's is perfectly natural. There's a reason why they call it geriatric pregnancy at that age.

Pastaf0rbreakfast · 12/12/2023 19:41

I cried when I got a positive pregnancy test with DS1 as I knew our life was changed forever and there was no turning back. I was very happy but definitely felt the ‘what have we done??’ feeling.

Didn’t feel the same when I fell pregnant with DS2 but he is due in 8 weeks and the last few days I have been having a real wobble, wondering why on earth we thought 2 children was a good idea. Again, I’m very happy and sure I will love having 2 children, but it is such a big change. I really think these feelings are normal.

MeinKraft · 12/12/2023 19:42

Swirls346 · 12/12/2023 19:22

It's natural. It's because things change and are never the same again. It doesn't mean you aren't ready. Personally don't think anyone is ever fully ready and it's always a massive shock no matter how "prepared" you feel.
You won't regret it, being a mother is the most amazing thing I've ever done.
I've also never been so tired in my whole life and felt so so stressed at times.
It's still worth it. The good outweighs the bad. It tests your relationship to the extreme but you sound like you've got a strong relationship.

Yes! I mean you won't have as much money or be as free to go on holiday and you're going to worry a lot more but you're going to have an actual child! And that is an incredible thing that for most people trumps everything else.

bearsbeets2 · 12/12/2023 19:48

I think this is totally normal! I had a very much planned pregnancy, although at 24 I was still quite young. I still cried and was scared because it is pretty scary! Pregnancy was the worst thing I’ve ever been through and now I’m a single parent to an 8 year old, but I wouldn’t have changed a single thing. I don’t think my life would have much purpose without her.

theduchessofspork · 12/12/2023 19:50

It’s a big life change, and for most people you do become roommates for a good while.

It does sound like you aren’t quite ready to give up your freedom yet. Could you agree to stop trying, maybe plan a big trip and reconsider in a year or 18 months?

pinkcandycane · 12/12/2023 19:51

I think it's totally normal to feel the way you are, every mum would be lying if they said they didn't have second thoughts at least once. honestly being a parent is the single hardest thing I have ever done (and I worked in a nursery looking after 15 two year olds daily 😅) but it is also the most amazing and rewarding thing and I wouldn't change it for the world.
I think it sounds like you just aren't quite ready yet, and being so young if I were you I'd take a years break give myself a breather and see how I feel in a years time, a lot can change in that time.

Olika · 12/12/2023 19:56

Perhaps you can wait until you are ready. When I had our DD I knew I had done everything I wanted to do beforehand and I felt getting pregnant was the next natural thing for us and we both wanted it equally and it just felt right. Having said that there is never perfect time to have children so don't wait forever.

Original poster
whisperclip · 12/12/2023 20:11

Pastaf0rbreakfast · 12/12/2023 19:41

I cried when I got a positive pregnancy test with DS1 as I knew our life was changed forever and there was no turning back. I was very happy but definitely felt the ‘what have we done??’ feeling.

Didn’t feel the same when I fell pregnant with DS2 but he is due in 8 weeks and the last few days I have been having a real wobble, wondering why on earth we thought 2 children was a good idea. Again, I’m very happy and sure I will love having 2 children, but it is such a big change. I really think these feelings are normal.

Thanks - I never knew it was so normal. Interesting that you feel it too but just in a different way with your second

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