Why on eaaarth do I keep getting cold feet over having a baby?

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DH and I got married earlier this year. We had been together for 3 years before that and lived with each other for two.

We have excitedly spoken about one day having our own family since the day we met, and the plan was always to TTC soon after getting married. We are young enough (both 20s) to wait a bit but see no strikingly obvious reason to, as life is short. I think from a biological point of view it makes sense to do it now if we can. We have been on some lovely trips and holidays together and it feels like the natural next thing. Our parents were also older-ish having us, so we want them to be young enough grandparents to be around and hopefully see our DC into adulthood.

It’s our third month of trying and for some reason, each month around my fertile week when I know we could logically conceive I always have a few niggly doubts creep into mind. This is mainly about affording them, whether we should enjoy some time to have lovely long lazy mornings and two good salaries that don’t need to pay for childcare or baby related expenses. Everyone on the internet particularly here and TikTok seems to report extremely high stress levels, the roommate phase with your partner, never sleeping again, your body never being the same again. This worries me a lot.

I’ve always wanted to be a mummy since I was little and together we have so much love, effort and energy to give. DH is an equal partner and in fact does considerably more housework, cooking and cleaning than I have ever done. I know he’ll be a great father.

Despite having the worried doubts of ‘are we ready’ every month and thinking, omg, what have we done.. pregnancy will be like a trap, my life will never be the same again and there’s no turning back…. DESPITE thinking all this throughout my cycle, I have been really upset each time the tests were negative and wished nothing more that each month was our lucky month.

It’s weird how conflicted I am over it and it doesn’t make sense to me. I hope it makes a flicker of sense to someone else and if it resonates with how you have felt or are feeling please let me know! Thoughts or tips appreciated x

For my whole life I said I didn't want children. At 35 I met my now DH and at 36 I had my DS. I had constant thoughts of oh fuck what have I done? But honestly as soon as I was handed my baby a switch was flipped and I knew that it was absolutely the best thing I ever did. It is a huge life changing thing but it's so 100% worth it. I don't think anyone is ever fully ready but you surprise yourself with just how momentous it all is

If I was in my early 20's, I'd wait five years. There are plenty of adventures to be had while young and 'rich' with cash for just yourselves. Kids are great- but sick the money, time and energy out of you, but you have lots of time to be selfish first!

My boyfriend to fiance to husband and I waited 12 hears before trying, we needed ivf in the end but would have at any time in our relationship, and as a previous poster said jts the best and worst thing to do to your life. My husband and I had 12 years together, travelling, living in London and enjoying all that, and yet it still wasn't enough to stop us missing it when our baby came along! You'll grieve for some things no matter what and yet there'll be so much to love and celebrate ...after the first few weeks hormone craziness has ebbed 😆 basically be prepared to not be ready sometimes when you're trying, when you see that pink line, when you look down and see a huge bump, and when they're finally here in your arms, it comes and goes but I'd never trade my little boy, it's a magical thing

It is such a huge no turning back decision and being concerned just shows you are aware of this and it is completely normal to be nervous about taking the plunge.

I disagree it means you are not ready, it just means you are thinking through how much it will change your life. If you have done for homework, and it sounds like you have, those natural nerves will prepare you well for those changes.

Thank you. This is reassuring x

Because you are sensible 😀

I wouldn't have much purpose without mine either. Occasionally I think oh if i didn't have children think of the lie ins and money I'd have had. But I didn't appreciate any of it, I just spent all day every day thinking about how lonely I was and how much I wanted children. A child free life just wasn't right for me.

I’m glad you followed your heart and did what makes you happy. This really resonates with me. I’m always thinking about having a baby so I’m not really enjoying this child free time iyswim

Logically, having kids does not make sense for the mother.

• Your sleep get shredded
• Your body gets hijacked
• You get the baby pay gap, with salary earnings (on average) going down by 10% for every year out of work. Which also explains why women's pensions are so low compared to men's.
• Prior to modern medicine, there was a very real chance of dying or crippling birth injuries
• Even with modern medicine, your body will never be the same <looks sadly at belly>
• Your needs come second place to the tyrant you have birthed for the next two decades.

Logic kept me from babies until I was 30. I am glad I have them and I am also glad I had that time before them. Wobbles over this are common. I am still surprised we love in an overpopulated world, TBH.

I guess lots of women must just not think of it at all.

I don’t get why you are surprised, logic might explain bad bits, but you’ve missed all the good! It’s hard to explain I no, but if you’re a parent you must no what the good bits are and why people do it over and over again. That perfect little person learning about the world and how to be a person, the fierce intense love for them, and the love they feel for you. They are so funny and come out with the best things. It’s 100% worth the sleepless nights and wobbly belly.

Sounds fairly normal. But no rush, you haven’t been together very long. I barely feel ready after 12 years together, and been TTC a few months after a MC this year

Thank you for this and sorry to hear about your loss x

It sounds like you want them but maybe not just yet. You feel pressure as it's logical next step after marriage.

It's ok to enjoy a few more years just as two. Then when you do get pregnant you won't feel your missing out on anything.

I am glad we waiting (30 and pregnant now, due soon) . I feel it's fully the right time (even though everyone always says there is no right time??)

book a holiday! A big trip!

You won't get it "right". No one does

I actually think it’s good you’re realistic / a bit nervous… I was all blissfully happy and thrilled and embracing the bump and my pregnancy glow bla bla bla. Boy did I get a shock….
I think in your 20s it’s fine to wait if you’re not sure though. But I don’t think a bit of nerviness around the process necessarily means you’re not ready. I’m on my third, all planned, and as a pp said I have still thought ‘WTF have we done’ every time I have seen the line on the test!!!!

I actually think it's quite normal to think the way you do. I'm in my 30s just had my second and I had the same thoughts and feelings as you second time around. We tried for two years and I was still worried and scared about what have we done. Honestly now she's here it's the best thing ever. Seeing my partner with her knowing she's ours and we created her together is really special. Me and my partner aren't room mates we share something really special and definitely have a closer bond for it. Even if we are too tired to be intimate it's a different kind of intimacy. He's looked after me at my most vulnerable. I have no dignity left lol whole different level of respect for each other.

I'm in my 30s now and I had my kids in my 20s, totally didn't think too hard about it but it's great now for all the reasons you are imagining. My parents are still young enough to be really active involved grandparents. I'm still young enough to see a career change ahead of me. I think if you're in the right relationship and see a future together, just go for it - there's never a perfect time, but it sounds like now is the right time.

This post is important, because you're not allowed to say this on posts where the children already exist. But you absolutely should say it before.

We're lucky at the moment, we have an easy baby (so far). But I already know that another baby, and doing this again, is probably beyond us, and not good for our relationship.

It’s ok not to be ready and to push it back. It’s also OK to be ready but realise it’s a massive thing and will alter your life. I tried for 10 months and still got the positive pregnancy test and thought “oh fuck, you’ve really done it now Crème”.

Pregnancy and parenting is hard. I’d say the accounts are accurate. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. What isn’t shown, because you can’t really show it, is the awe in watching this ball of cells, turn into a baby, turn into a person with a personality. Today my daughter was home from nursery with another bug, she kicked me in the face, twice. She threw her lunch on the floor and then cried. She yelled at me because I didn’t have a banana. She cried because I didn’t brush Elmer the elephant in the right way. But she also wore an orange top today, just a plain orange top. Every time she looked down at her top, she told me it was orange and she’d smile. It sounds ludicrous to a non-parent but it was just the best thing seeing how happy she was by a simple orange top. And something so simple but sweet like that just means you keep going.

You sound normal and totally ready to me! You know you definitely want them and that's the main thing. Children will prevent you from doing a lot of other stuff for a set period, but they will be in your life forever. We got on with it because it gave more time if we struggled to conceive (which we did) and I want as many years with my children in my life as possible. Its easier to cope when you are younger and I would like to be young enough to have a shot at being an active grandparent etc down the line.

It's easy to think about the bad practical stuff (which I did too much), but honestly there is so so much good. I love being a mother in a way that I really didn't expect. My children have enriched my life and I think make me a better person with loads more empathy and patience.

It’s a realistic consideration you’re having.

I have 3 year old and a 3 week old.

I love my kids more than anything but I cry all the time and all I want is some sleep.

Many many years ago we were on holiday with friends. One on the eve of her birthday said to me "I'm going to be 30 tomorrow and I still don't know if I want to have children or not!". My reply was that at 7 months pregnant (as I was at the time) neither did I

It really is natural to have doubts, your whole world will change. The fact that you are considering so carefully suggests you'll be fine. Good luck