Married but separated man?

[Mountainred]

I've always been very wary/moralistic about this. He's married, I'm not getting involved.

But, this is a good one and it's making me question my own rules. What's a sensible amount of time, after the separation,to consider getting involved and in usual circumstances what's a reasonable amount of time to expect the divorce to have been finalised?

For me it's not about morals it's about having enough time to heal and process the end of his marriage. This takes time. A counsellor told me it can take half the length of the relationship to be fully over it. I would not get into a relationship with anyone unless their divorce was finalised. It can take several years and be horrendous. I've lived and learnt which has cemented my thinking!

Depends on the circumstances, and what I wanted out of the relationship.

So for example if there are no DC/they're grown up and I had no intention of ever having kids with him or merging finances, I might be alright with a separated but not divorced bloke because it wouldn't have that much effect on me.

If I did want to blend lives and/or have DC together, I don't think I'd consider a non-divorced man at all. Even if they'd been apart a long time, it's the existence of the legal contract with someone else that would be the problem.

So for example if there are no DC/they're grown up and I had no intention of ever having kids with him or merging finances, I might be alright with a separated but not divorced bloke because it wouldn't have that much effect on me.

Yes that's exactly our circumstances. My DC have recently reached adulthood, I'm financially independant and have absolutely no intention of merging finances with anyone ever again, or of living with someone again.

His children are older, early 30s. I don't think he's quite as financially stable, having had to split finances recently, but he doesn't seem broke either.

Yes, I'm wary for that reason also, but also at a stage in life where I'm realising just how short it is.

Divorce can be a nightmare bit of admin, mine isn’t through yet but I consider myself single and not married anymore. Have been officially separated 15 months but I spent a good few years building up to it.

I might consider a casual relationship in that case then, but nothing serious. Companionship, fun, sex etc.

I would tread extra carefully, both of those already posted are right, there are always exceptions to the rule though, it depends on the person and circumstances, as always. Don't make any hasty moves that may jeopardise your current financial security

I'd wait so the ex doesn't have to see anything to do with your finances in the divorce settlement. Also, if you wait, it gees him up to actually get it done whereas if you settle for "almost divorced" a lot of men will let that go on forever. Divorces are pretty easy in the UK now they're no-fault, there's no real reason for financially stable adults to not just sort it out.

ETA: Obviously disregard the ease of getting divorced if you live somewhere like Eire whose divorce laws are preposterously longwinded and in that case crack on with things. No sense waiting half a decade.

You don't want children together and won't be setting up home together so I think for me it would depend why they separated and how long it had been. Less than 6 months definitely not, he had an affair, definitely not.

Why would she have any access to my finances? I'm thinking of something very casual and certainly won't be living with him.

No she won't have access to your finances, she could get information about them potentially during the financial aspect of the divorce settlement. There was a thread where it happened to someone a few months back that she moved in with a man who then tried to get divorced and the STBEW's solicitor demanded all of OP's financial info, I'll try and dig it up for you.

Not living together should guard against this. There'd be no legal basis at all if the finances had nothing to do with each other and there were no shared expenses. I agree I wouldn't live with a man who was still married though.

Well, I've heard his version, which is basically things fizzled out and they should have split long ago, basically been living separately for more than 2 years, no sex with her or anyone else in that time, but obviously I've no idea what her version would be.

I used to have all these beliefs and rules but exH and I have been separated for 5 years, he lives with his partner, I’ve been with mine for 2.5 years. We’re still not divorced but I hope we will be in the next couple of years and I’d like to marry again and boyfriend is planning to move in. I think just take your time.

As your children are all older and you're also not thinking of merging finances or living together I think you have a little more flexibility TBH.
I'd have to be sure he was emotionally "over" his marriage, Difficult to judge that one for sure though. He'd have to be living independently (ie not still living with his wife) and obvs take things slowly. First relationships after marriage breakdown can be intense. Be wary that you might be his "rebound"

@Mountainred here's the thread I was thinking of. Obviously it might not apply to you but something to bear in mind on the offchance along with all the other reasons to hold off:

I would hope so but IANAL so I wasn't entirely sure why on earth any divorce would need to involve evidence of new partners' finances! Anyway I've found the thread now so hopefully OP has the info and can apply it to her own situation.

I'd be suspicious that you are not being told the whole picture and there is no intention to divorce. Assuming they are under the same roof.

They're under the same roof currently and have only recently (3 months ago) officially separated.

He has plans to move out in March when he has a bonus coming. I have no intention what so ever of doing anything other than building a friendship before then.

That sounds like I have long term plans for him. I don't other than that the whole thing should be very slow and casual.

Hmmmm.

Both my current dp and I were officially still married when we got together. He'd been separated AND MOVED OUT for 9 months, I was separated AND MOVED OUT for 6 months. My divorce was well under way, his less so (which was a massive bugbear of mine for a while).

Still under the same roof would be a hard no from me. Still too entangled. Would you be OK with him seeing his ex getting out of the shower, her asking him to buy some milk?

Nah. I'm not one who says 'you should wait until the divorce is finalised, or grieve for half the length of the relationship before moving on, but at least living apart. Come on OP, would you really be happy moving that slowly whilst he's still living with his 'not quite' ex?

I agree completely, I won't be starting anything until I've seen him set up in his own home. ATM we're friend's who have acknowledged there may be a bit of a spark but that circumstances mean we can't act on it for now.

TBH, just friendship with a frisson is great for me ATM anyway.

Oof yeah wouldn't touch him with a bargepole if he's still living with a partner. Not even just for sex.

Why is it a moral issue? If they are still living together that's a different matter but getting divorced is often just an administrative issue that isn't that big a deal. My husband and I were both married when we met! Both separated a long while.

Why did you leave the fact that he is still living with his wife, out of your op?
Tell him to contact you when he is free.
You may well (inadvertently or not) be the other woman.