How would you respond to this weird behaviour

[Eekmystro]

My son who is 10 is currently sat on his bedroom floor banging his hand repeatedly on the floor. Not massively hard but loud enough that it’s causing annoyance. He seems to be doing it to annoy everyone else. I’ve been in and tried to talk to him reasonably, I’ve removed his laptop time tomorrow and now I’m in bed trying to ignore it.

All I’ve got out of him is that he is frustrated and angry. Won’t say why. There was incident that I can recall from before he started banging.

Im minded to ignore it as it’s not that loud/hard, I suspect he is doing it to get a reaction/annoy and because I think going in and removing anything else or shouting is likely to escalate to an all out argument.

just wondering what approach others would take. As I’m at a bit of a loss other than ignoring him.

For context I suspect he has ASD, he can be quite an anxious kid so Sundays are often harder because of school the next day. He has recently stopped letting me sit and read with him each night that has removed our connection time before bed.

Would he respond to a hug ?

Good lord no. He doesn’t like hugs at the best of times. I sat near him and put a hand on him when I tried to talk and he said “get off”.

I do think he wants my attention/connection though. But I’m in a quandary abojt how to give him what he need without sending a message he can bang for ages to get it

I wouldn’t made the consequence the removal of laptop time tomorrow (the delay in punishment will make it utterly pointless). I’d distract “let’s stop that, now come and help me make a drink…” distract and redirect.

I’d also discuss with him a new bedtime routine and write it out for him. If he starts banging, you redirect back to his routine.

Yea I’ll be honest the laptop removal was because I had no clue what to do. I left that strategy after I could see it wasn’t going to work and I’ve been trying to do less punishments like that as they just don’t work.

I’ve tried suggesting a drink, tried suggesting we read a book. He’s just told me “I don’t want you in the room” and that he won’t talk to me.

He basically banging seemingly for my attention but then no wishing to engage with me through any attempt I make.

It’s starting to disturb me a little. I know that sounds a bit OTT but it’s just such odd behaviour.

It’s 10:58 now and he’s Been going for about 20-30 minutes. Popped out a few moments ago to check on my DD and asked him if he wanted a drink of water.

Okay, but he’s a child and you’re the adult so while I appreciate my dc are allowed privacy, they have to be respectful to the rest of the house and behave appropriately. Take charge! You added the grown up here so stop letting your dc call the shots.

I’ll try talking about the bedtime routine with him tomorrow. This is a good idea.

I used to read or chat with him each night, but then it stopped at his request. Then we started again for one night and then he refused the next night after I had a bit of a shout at him when he was rude to me. Like he was punishing me for getting grumpy with him.

He been really off recently in a few ways. A few people suggested it’s a hormone thing.

Ok but how. I can go in and agouti, but that will not end well with him. I’ve been down that road. I can try to talk he’s not allowing that. I can try punishments, that hasn’t worked.

Id like to “take charge” but I am at a loss of what to do. When he was smaller I’d have physically picked him up or held his hand possibly, but he’s too big to be intervening physically with.

He sounds very unhappy. What makes you think he's doing it for attention? Repeatedly banging your head must hurt. I would be trying to help him understand why he's doing it, and helping him find other ways to physically let out his frustration and anger. Not punishing.

"Then we started again for one night and then he refused the next night after I had a bit of a shout at him when he was rude to me. Like he was punishing me for getting grumpy with him." If someone had "a bit of a shout" at me I wouldn't be keen to read with them the next night either.

Thank the holy lord Jesus he seems to have stopped. I just loudly asked my Alexa to turn our master bedroom light off and turned off the hall light and after a few minutes he seems to have stopped.

It’s weird because a few weeks ago he suddenly refused to come up to be at bedtime. I literally asked why he was suddenly refusing something that he has done every night and then turned the lights off and went up to bed myself and then after a few moments he came up. It does seem like he is trying to start a battle with me or wanting to assert his independence or something. It’s not usual behaviour for him at all.

Is he still doing it now? Can you go in, or slide a note under the door - DS, would you like a hot chocolate? I’m here for you when you want to talk. Then just leave him.

He is frustrated and trying to get your attention by the sounds but any cry for help is a cry for help all the same, so if you can let him know you’re on his side - non confrontational - that might get through to him. You can deal with appropriate sanctions / rational talking about why it’s not ok to sit and bang your head tomorrow when he’s in a different frame of mind.

From what I’ve seen from my own and others’ children this can be common behaviour at about age 3. Does he do it a lot ? (Banging his head)

No I appreciate he wouldn’t want to read If I shouted at him. I did apologise for shouting and it is not something I usually do. I hate shouting.

I suppose I think he might be wanting attention because the obvious consequence of banging is that it gets others attention and because he seems to increase when I paid attention to it. Our house is quite hollow and noisey so we often ask them to be careful because bangs echo through the house, so he knows banging, even gently disturbs others. I don’t think it’s “attention seeking” but I do think he is wanting someone to come and talk to him. Eve though he is refusing to talk and asking me to leave
When I go to see him. He often has upsets and then a few days later will talk me about what the issue was. He’s said he is angry and frustrated but won’t say why and won’t accept any offer such as a drink to break the tension. I’ll ask him to go for a walk with me tomorrow evening. He’s said he likes that and is very chatty when we walk alone .

it’s his hand he is banging not his head (maybe I miswrote somewhere). He’s not doing it hard. He’s sat on the floor banding his flat palm against the floor.

He’s 10. Not he’s not ever done this before.

He stopped thank god. But a note is a good idea.
I might pop out in a sec and stick my head in on him. I’m almost worried to start it back up though. I like the note idea though.

They go through phases of testing boundaries. I find it best to wait until they are calm and have a conversation. The conversation goes a bit like this “last night when you were banging your head I was concerned you were hurting yourself and you need to know that at your age it is not acceptable behaviour. It is not to happen again. Think about how you were feeling and how else you could manage those feelings. I can help talk through ideas if you want but head banging is not something I want to hear again.”

dc who refuse stuff tend to respond badly to being told no in the moment. Another tool to use is options. Never say “it’s bed time” instead you say “do you want to clean your teeth first or put pjs on first?” And “so it’s time to get into bed, do you want your head at this end or that end?” Or “okay, into bed, now do you want the hall light on or off?”

Also, when dd is rude to me a say “I won’t be spoken to like that” and I walk away, sit down and read my book (or pretend to read it). Shouting at me won’t get them anywhere. Go away, calm down and come back and speak to me when you can be polite.

My son and daughters did things like this. I knew they needed interaction from me but were torn about perceived " giving in". I would speak to them like young adults, to surprise and distract them, to peak their interest. Things like " you and I are having issues arent we? " and laugh, be on the same side, be on the same level. " Shall we go downstairs, have a hot chocolate and thrash this out like adults because i feel a bit upset by this". They weren't adults, I was, but it's not all about punishment, control, obedience. Sometimes we just need to soften up in order to support them. He'll be all grown up and gone soon, help him problem solve, even if it takes half hour of vulnerability from you.

I would pick him up and put him in my bed with low lighting. give him a fidget cube and a pillow to hit. I'd then stick in a science podcast on quietly and lay a heavy blanket nearby. I'd also rub Vicks on his back or chest because everyone finds that soothing (if not add it to hot water in a mug next to him)

That's what I do for my ASD dc who is also 10. it usually works

In our house its all about finding sensory alternatives - changing smells, lighting, temps and textures until they're regulated and calm.

Oh his hand. That’s a bit different I think. Maybe it’s like when I get restless legs at night. It’s like I feel overstimulated and shaking my feet soothes me.

also giving a crunchy biscuit or cracker is another "sensory alternative"

I don’t think it’s a sensory thing. He does has sensory seeking behaviour, likes wrapping himself up in blankets tight, has a nightly bounce on his trampoline as his wind down. I don’t think the banging is a sensory thing though it feels more deliberate.

Thanks for the suggestions @Lemondrizzleicecream
he hates sleeping in my bed sadly. I’d love a cuddle up. One thing that is so hard with him is he doesn’t like physical touch too much. Well not in the form of cuddles anyway. He’s like rough play etc: I’ll see if he wants a podcast as he does like them and listens to a Greek one .

Sorry, I misread your post. Banging your hand is a lot less worrying than your head! A walk sounds a nice idea :)

He’s asleep!! It’s very unusual for him to go fro awake to asleep so quick. He usually takes a long wind down after reading a book etc.

Maybe He was just really tired.

Yay!! try and write a list of ideas from this thread for next time so when you're frazzled and overwhelmed - you don't need to think about it. high five to you!