Cannot please my parents

[bananaskin1]

Just posting here to vent really.

I'm a 41 year old mum of several kids. Live in same area as my parents.

I just can't seem to please them. Every time I spend more than a few hours with them I come away feeling terrible about myself.

• they don't like my husband. So if ever I want to vent about him I can't because I just get told all his shortcomings from the beginning of time and how I shouldn't have married him. It's honestly a bit extreme. They blame him for things beyond his control eg his strange brother. They say he has changed me. Well I have changed since I was 20! He's annoying sure and lazy and can be a right dickhead but it's just average marriage bumps.

• my job isn't good enough. For reference I work in law and earn well over £50k. I have a first class degree. I work full time.

• I'm not thin enough. Never have been. I'm short and a 12-14. They often tell me. She's only once told me I look good. It was in 2003... I weighed 8.5 stone and had a miserable diet.

• my house isn't tidy enough or big enough. They hate my road and think its full of rif raf what ever that means. They hate the school I picked. And always say "pull the kids out" any time I have any minor issue. They go on about private school and giving kids the best start in life. They have never eaten here ever, in 10 years. It's not clean enough for them so I don't ever invite them. I'm ashamed to invite them over even though it's a perfectly normal family home. It's cleaned and hoovered several times a week.

• we argue loads about houses. They want me to move to a nicer road. Where houses are 750k plus. I really can't afford to. Husband doesn't want to either. We actually love our area as we have friends here. They say things like if you painted the skirting boards better you could sell it for more. I completely disagree. Round here, shite houses go for loads as the housing market is dismal round here. For the record my house is fine and decorated white with a new kitchen, next sofa and ikea and John Lewis furniture. It's very standard.

• they are really snobby and its just all about appearances and I don't fit with what they think acceptable.

• she goes on and and on about my clothes and the way I wash or iron or clean etc.

• she forgets I have several YOUNG children and a full time job. I'm doing my absolute best.

I can't cope.

It's driving me crazy. And it's getting worse.

Going no contact is not going to work. I want them in my life but they moan at me constantly. They never say anything nice. Ever.

If I pull them up on it they get defensive and turn it around on me. I end up feeling guilty. Or it's somehow my fault. Every time. They often ruin the big happy moments in my life with shitty arguments like this.

HELP!

You're an adult. They can only make you feel that way if you let them. If they criticise your home "well you don't have to visit", if they criticise your job "it pays the bills and I enjoy it". If they criticise your husband "well I love him and I'd appreciate it if you didn't speak like that about him to me/in front of the children".

Grey rock and low contact.

It sounds horrible but they're now extended family. Your priority is your household and being the best you for them, not your parents.

Venting to your parents about your husband when you already know what they're like probably isn't the best possible idea, to be honest.

You need to stop hoping that one day you will please them. Just stop. You know it is pointless, so don't do it.

Yeah venting needs to stop. Her responses are so extreme and she remembers everything. It's a shame as people vent to me all the time and I offer sympathy and help. Not just saying "told you so"

So what happens when they criticise some aspect of your life - what do you say to them?

If she does it now I usually remain silent.

In the past I have spoken up and she turns it on me "well you asked my opinion and I just said xyz"

"Do what you want"

Or they will give me cold shoulder for weeks.

They have ruined several big events due to me calling out hurtful comments and then getting all defensive. Dads just as bad "how dare you talk to your mother like that she's just trying to help you".

They never apologise.

Eg they walk in my house and snoop. "It smells in here, goodness me, still not painted that door I see"

They decline all drinks and have a pained look on face. They often don't take coats off.

It's easier to remain silent. I try to move conversation on.

Why do you want them in your life though op, they sound horrendous.

"If you don't like it here, there's the door"
"No, but if you want to do it you're more than welcome to. Let me know when you want to pop round to do it".
"Clearly you don't feel comfortable in my home, it's Probably best you don't visit"

Don't engage with their games. They're after a reaction, don't stay silent just stay neutral.

Stop trying to please them. Please yourself

"Well gosh, aren't you a ray of sunshine today.... let's change the subject and talk about something positive, shall we?"

And STOP talking about whatever it is they're being miserable about. "I really don't want to talk about these negative things today."

Dear me, what ARE you getting from these people???

What are the positives because they sound awful?

Find another place to vent about anything, especially your husband or children. Anonymously on MumsNet if you must.

Keep to lowish contact and look up ‘Grey rock’ - they will never be the parents you want them to be, so stop expecting the impossible.

When they criticise, make any excuse, however feeble, to terminate your visit. It may eventually dawn on them that the more negative they are towards you, the less they see of you, but really don’t expect that to change what is ingrained behaviour.

You are NOT responsible for their feelings, only for yours, so take back control and ignore what is incredible rudeness on their behalf. Maybe you might one day have the courage to say “You know Mum/Dad, if anyone else was as rude to me as you have just been, I wouldn’t be seeing them ever again.”

They are narcissistic and dysfunctional. They don't see you as an adult in your own right, but as an extension of them. Therefore they are insulted that you don't do things the way they would and are trying to control you. Silent treatment is a horrific way to deal with displeasure, it causes huge emotional damage. This is not how loving parents should behave.

I'd recommend having a look at the Stately Homes thread here, also read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson.

Just out of interest, why don't you want to go no contact? You'd never keep anyone else in your life that behaved like that?

Frankly, if they were mine they'd get a card at Xmas and birthdays and told to count themselves lucky to get that much.

Can't you just stay away from them. They certainly don't seem supportive or helpful.

They sound like characters in a Roald Dahl book. Leave them to stew in their misery and have not more jot more to do with them than you have to.

I think I'd start giving them it back. ie, if talking about your shape, say 'thanks for making me feel good' or 'well DH is more than happy with the way I look'. As for your home, 'well, I'm happy there, there are far worse places to be', 'the door is fine the way it is, if it bothers you that much don't look at it'. Your job, 'I've got a first class honours degree and only a small percentage of people who've studied law actually get into law so I'm proud of myself'.

Definitely don't vent about DH. Either speak to him about issues or a friend.

Well they’re not going to change
so I suppose the first question is why do you want someone in your life that makes you feel worse about yourself? (And as a second part to that question, can they be in your life, not change, but with you limiting the damage they do somehow?)
and secondly why are you still trying to please them when you know you can’t.
whatever your answers are is fine, but I think they’ll help you figure out how to move forward

All good tips. Thanks.

Positives.

They are loving towards grandchildren.
They can be good company when I'm not the topic of discussion and when they don't make horrible remarks
They offer help if I ever need it
They stick up for me if someone wrongs us

It's such a shame they are so critical and negative. It must be exhausting. Life is nicer when you are kind and make people feel happy.

As a result, I'm the opposite to them. I tell my daughters they are pretty and beautiful every day. I tell my son too. And that they are clever and how proud I am of them daily. I hug and kiss them often and make them feel special. Every day I tell them how lucky I am to have them.

Agree with them,

yes mum the door is awful. Fancy a cuppa ?

my clothes suit me, I am so comfortable in todays outfit doesn’t the fabric make a difference, fancy a cuppa

yes,I will clean the skirting boards one day they are minging, aren’t I lucky to own a house of my very own, complete with skirting boards, fancy a cuppa

andy my mums favourite, yeah, my hair is exactly as I asked my hairdresser to do it and I love it, and mine is the only opinion that matters, now shall we have a cuppa.

you need a little smile, a lot of confidence and a small shrug and to voice that aren’t we lucky to live in a country that allows us to be ourselves and look and live as we choose.

took a lot of courage the first time I tried this after a lifetime of never being good enough and it has worked so well . I have also handed her the phone and said quick better phone the door/skirting board/hair cut police so they can arrest me. What do you mean there is no number for them, surely you are working for them today. No. Shall we have that cup of tea, and treat ourselves to a biscuit too ?

Just see less of them.

Do you have siblings? Do they get the same treatment?

What would happen if you totally let fly and said
If you don't stop criticising me l am out of here and you will not see me or your gc again.
Or else visit at Christmas and only once a year.

When my mum used to comment about my house (size of it generally) and offer extension ideas, how to move my staircase to get another bedroom etc etc I used to have arguments with her and not want her to come around. The best advice I got was to agree and change the subject e g.

Mum: if you move the stairs this way around you can get another bedroom up there.

Me: what a great idea, want a cuppa?

Mum: if you moved to a larger house you could have more space.

Me: that's a good idea, thanks. Want a cuppa?

See the pattern? I felt much less stressed and she felt that she'd had a great idea!

They are so funny. They seem to be very snobby for people that come from standard backgrounds. They push everyone away in their life as nothing matches up to their standard.

They mock "common" accents and judge strangers for being "rough" just based on appearance or name or address. It's so ironic as both of them grew up in poor families and very small houses.

The school thing does my head in. I actually want my children to mix with a variety of people because that is life. I don't want them to only be friends with posh people or university educated people or people that are doctors or lawyers. If my kid wants to be a builder or a doctor, either is fine with me so long as he's happy. Money isn't everything. My parents can't bare that my children are mixing with people that are "common". My parents faces do all the talking, up down looks and not very subtle mocking.

My parents even put on a fake accent when mixing with strangers.

They seem dead against living in roads with lots of "white vans" which is ironic since they grew up doing regular jobs that did indeed involve vans 🤣 they don't like my road because it isn't pretty from outside. But that said, I get loads for my money compared to the crappy new builds round here. My house is a very average 70s house on a classic estate. It's all very standard and boring.

They seem to not get todays challenges. Yes, we earn pretty decent money but we have never taken children abroad and still live in our first house. What with Covid and recession, and young kids, money is tight... very tight.