Cannot please my parents

[bananaskin1]

Just posting here to vent really.

I'm a 41 year old mum of several kids. Live in same area as my parents.

I just can't seem to please them. Every time I spend more than a few hours with them I come away feeling terrible about myself.

• they don't like my husband. So if ever I want to vent about him I can't because I just get told all his shortcomings from the beginning of time and how I shouldn't have married him. It's honestly a bit extreme. They blame him for things beyond his control eg his strange brother. They say he has changed me. Well I have changed since I was 20! He's annoying sure and lazy and can be a right dickhead but it's just average marriage bumps.

• my job isn't good enough. For reference I work in law and earn well over £50k. I have a first class degree. I work full time.

• I'm not thin enough. Never have been. I'm short and a 12-14. They often tell me. She's only once told me I look good. It was in 2003... I weighed 8.5 stone and had a miserable diet.

• my house isn't tidy enough or big enough. They hate my road and think its full of rif raf what ever that means. They hate the school I picked. And always say "pull the kids out" any time I have any minor issue. They go on about private school and giving kids the best start in life. They have never eaten here ever, in 10 years. It's not clean enough for them so I don't ever invite them. I'm ashamed to invite them over even though it's a perfectly normal family home. It's cleaned and hoovered several times a week.

• we argue loads about houses. They want me to move to a nicer road. Where houses are 750k plus. I really can't afford to. Husband doesn't want to either. We actually love our area as we have friends here. They say things like if you painted the skirting boards better you could sell it for more. I completely disagree. Round here, shite houses go for loads as the housing market is dismal round here. For the record my house is fine and decorated white with a new kitchen, next sofa and ikea and John Lewis furniture. It's very standard.

• they are really snobby and its just all about appearances and I don't fit with what they think acceptable.

• she goes on and and on about my clothes and the way I wash or iron or clean etc.

• she forgets I have several YOUNG children and a full time job. I'm doing my absolute best.

I can't cope.

It's driving me crazy. And it's getting worse.

Going no contact is not going to work. I want them in my life but they moan at me constantly. They never say anything nice. Ever.

If I pull them up on it they get defensive and turn it around on me. I end up feeling guilty. Or it's somehow my fault. Every time. They often ruin the big happy moments in my life with shitty arguments like this.

HELP!

It's almost like they have no filter. Over the years they have said some unforgivable things about me.

It would be outing to say them but it would be similar to:

"You've got an ugly face"

"We hated your birthday party last year, it was just hideous"

"Goodness me you were so fat in 2019"

"We wished you'd married your ex boyfriend, he was much nicer"

I wonder what they get from it?!

It's jealousy on their part

If you don't want to go no contact, i think you could try training them. Sounds patronising but hey, they're behaving worse than small children.

Each time they do it say "please don't say rude things about my husband/house/appearance". If they continue or argue back, make your excuses and hang up the phone or leave. If you repeat this consistently, every time it happens, they might get the message.

Is your mum called Hyacinth?
Seriously, learn to detach emotionally. They'll never change so you need to minimise the impact. You've had some good suggestions already. I used to play (in my head) critical bingo. Eventually everyone in the family learned it as well. We laughed at all the complaints and nasty comments inwardly and they stopped hurting as much.

@bananaskin1 what joy do they bring to your life?? anything at all??? do your kids like them as grandparents? what does your hubby do? do they not think he is good enough for you???

I wouldn't meet them on your territory or theirs keep the meetings neutral . Meet in a busy cafe . Never mention your husband , ever . Keep away from subjects your parents are like terriers with . Also look at your watch , I have an appointment soon , love you bye .

Why do you care what they think? Seriously?

They do sound awful, can you keep a pot of paint near the door for the next time they mention it? At least that would get a job done.

Exactly this. My pair are like this - I had the silent treatment, endless barbs, nothing ever right.

One visit I called them out and they never came back. I didn't go no contact, they just dropped me. Very sad but my family was suffering.

My heart goes out to you.

You’re trying to find a logic to it, so you can understand it and see their side (and forgive them and get over it) or so you can fix it or reason with them. This is you still working to please them.

Stop complaining about your husband to them. It's actually unfair to him.

They sound really unpleasant, tell them you do not want to discuss certain issues. If they start, get up and leave if they do.

I am really worried about what happens when they are older, and they expect you to care for them all while they are insulting you

Sympathies OP, mine are very similar. Never good enough, never have positive things to say, always making me feel worthless in spite of good job, nice house etc.

For me the turning point recently was when they moved the negativity onto my children. They used to dote on them but now they are a little older than the cute toddler stage they don’t enjoy them as much and now start critiquing them and giving them the silent treatment. Last time they did it I called them out and we didn’t speak for months. I had a long conversation with them about the behaviour and how it makes me feel and surprise surprise no apology, it’s all my fault and they are being normal.

now we see each other 2-3 times a year and it’s very low contact in between. It hurts, as i still desperately want to have a normal relationship with them but I’ve realised that as i enter my 40s it’s highly unlikely.

if you can, go low contact. Enough to be civil and polite but definitely cut down seeing them or shorten contact.

@Escapingafter50years spot on

Dh parents are like this.

I am very careful what I tell them but of course life isn't perfect. Sometimes bad or annoying things happen or I might want to talk through a decision.

It's sad that I can't do that with them in a free way like others can. I want that more than anything but I guess I can't get that.

Someone asked why I care what they think. When someone you love has repeatedly told you you are fat or not good enough, it starts to stick.

I want them to be proud of me. But they can't be. I honestly am struggling with remembering the last positive thing they said. It's always backhanded.

"You are so clever, it's a pity you didn't pursue this career...."

"You've lost a few pounds and look good, well keep going"

"Your hair looks good... like a tiger" (not the look I wanted)

As I say they are lovely in other ways. Generous with their time and money. Always help if you ask. Plenty of opportunities growing up. Very good company when the heat is off me. They can be very fun in fact. Lovely with the kids.

Maybe after Christmas I'll try a few of these strategies.

Calling them out
Grey rock
Agreeing with them and moving on
Changing subject

I think calling them out will result in a "well I was only trying to help. Fine, I won't say anything about xyz to you ever ever again" and followed by silent treatment

The others might have more success

OP my mum is incredibly similar to what you describe and it's really rough going. My therapist gave some great advice which was to shut down any topic of conversation you weren't comfortable with. Your mum making comments about your appearance? "I don't feel comfortable with you talking about my appearance like that" and move to a different subject. You could even just not respond and walk out to make a cup of tea or go to the toilet (even if you don't need it!). I always make sure I have an exit strategy so I can make an excuse to leave when I need to. Going NC isn't the answer all the time because of the things you've listed, but understanding they won't change so you need to change how you deal with them is important.

Saying hurtful things to you will damage your children. Work on your self esteem admins imagine that what they say to you is said about your child. and stick up for yourself as you would them. You don’t need their approval or respect and you certainly won’t earn it by rolling over and letting them kick you.
Turn it back on them and use your lawyer skills of intelligence and word choice… “mum are you okay? I’m just asking as that’s really quite a horrible thing to say to anyone, and it makes me worried you’re not yourself. Have you been to the GP?”
“I wonder why you think that’s a helpful comment?” Etc
Or tell them you are focusing on positive things right now and can’t allow any negative energy… so let’s talk about x or y or z.

They sound jealous. Of your university education maybe, of your job now, of your ordinary nice house, possibly other things.
It sounds like they are massive social climbers and are desperate to show the world how far they've come. Tbh they sound very much like my late grandmother who came up from a similar working class background and to her posh friends would constantly try to make her life and family sound posher than reality. Asking me once in mock confusion in front of a posh friend how many children boarded when she knew full well Dsis and I were at very ordinary state school with no boarding in sight!

No real advice to give you, just wanted to offer my sympathy/empathy. My mother is just like your parents. Never in my 53 years has she been proud of anything I've done. I'm always wrong and it's always MY fault.

I decided when I was about 40 that I just didn't give a shit what she thought anymore. She absolutely HATES it that she can't get under my skin! I love her, but I no longer tolerate her bullshit and, if she starts up, I just leave/hang up the phone. I'm much happier and she's sloooooowly learning to show me some respect.

Imagine a forcefield around you. Every time they give you a snide remark it bounces off your forcefield and back into them. Because their nastiness is their problem, not yours.

Another option is to reply every time to their criticism with "duly noted" and then not say anything else.

I read your OP thinking that it was nice that I don't have to put up with that crap from my parents since I've gone nc. But if you refuse to consider that, I don't see what will change the situation. They're not exactly going to engage in family therapy with you and come to a realisation of their behaviours and suddenly become a positive force in your life. They will always eat away at you. You can block it out to an extent by changing your response but there is a part of you that will always be affected by it.

I can completely sympathise. I've found this podcast very helpful in getting my head around my relationship with my mum

open.spotify.com/show/2jCy27ZdATq6C4PZQtbHys?si=xjc6ZFvlQQW9bZBLEHziVw

Are you me? LOL. I'm low contact with my parents as that way I don't fall out with them. Conversations are quite superficial. I know they think I could have done better for myself but I like what I am; and I do know that they are proud of me for how I am (we are) bringing up our ASD/SLD son.

I have learnt that some of their "reactions" and responses are not as bad as I think - I almost have an expectation of their snobbery and dismissiveness so I'm reading too much into what they actually say. I'm projecting based on past experiences, as it were. So sometimes I need to give my head a wobble.

Your dc hearing you hearing this bullying isn't them being good dgps. Your dc need to see you sticking up for yourself and not having such people around. I have been nc with dm for best part of 20 years for similar behaviour..

Yes Katie McKenna's excellent 👍