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Original poster

My DH is having severe depression because of his job

30 replies

cantthinkofanythinh · 09/12/2023 12:40

But he is by far the main earner. It's a chaotic job with no structure and the two bosses are shit and can see know wrong in how the company runs. DH is a major perfectionist and is normally very career driven and gets gret results but the moral is so low. Anyway the point I'm trying to get to is that he told me today that he has been having suicidal thoughts which has terrified me. I'm working two jobs so I can't take on anymore work but we need his job as we have big out goings and 3 children. He's told me he wants to resign on Monday. I want him to be happy. I also do t want to lose our home if he can't get work. We only moved last year and used our savings on a deposit so we would only have enough money to cover us for about 2 mths.

It's causing me such anxiety as I don't know what to do.

Has anyone got any suggestions?

OP posts:
HappyHamsters · 09/12/2023 12:47

Oh dear that sounds hard for you both. What sort of work does he do, how long has he been there. If I were him I would take some sick leave and see his gp. His health and family are more important. He needs time to reassess, if he takes some time off can he claim sick pay, from then he could look for another job that's not so stressful. Practically you can speak to the mortgage company. Is there family who can ease the strain a bit,

Original poster
cantthinkofanythinh · 09/12/2023 12:52

HappyHamsters · 09/12/2023 12:47

Oh dear that sounds hard for you both. What sort of work does he do, how long has he been there. If I were him I would take some sick leave and see his gp. His health and family are more important. He needs time to reassess, if he takes some time off can he claim sick pay, from then he could look for another job that's not so stressful. Practically you can speak to the mortgage company. Is there family who can ease the strain a bit,

He is in a very senior IT role but is being flooded with work from everybody because there is no proper structure and non of the team are aware of who reports to who etc. he has been there 1.5 year and has thought it would get better in time but it just gets worse, with more pressure being put on him.

It's very stressful and it's making me so sad especially as my youngest is constantly counting down to Santa coming and it's making me feel the pressure more.

OP posts:
Original poster
cantthinkofanythinh · 09/12/2023 12:53

He's to embarrassed to go to GP as he feels it would hinder a new potential opportunity if he's seen to be weak 🙄

OP posts:
ChristmasPuddy · 09/12/2023 12:54

What’s his sick pay like? Surely a better option would be to get signed off for a bit until he feels better and can think about what to do?

TomatoSandwiches · 09/12/2023 12:56

He needs to get signed off for a while, until new year perhaps and use this time to rest but also look for any job that he feels able to do.
Is there a higher up that he can go to for some advice at work ( not these two bosses ).

TomatoSandwiches · 09/12/2023 12:58

cantthinkofanythinh · 09/12/2023 12:53

He's to embarrassed to go to GP as he feels it would hinder a new potential opportunity if he's seen to be weak 🙄

This isn't good enough he needs to think realistically, he has responsibilities and he has to take those into account.
Getting signed off is a strategy to give him time and opportunity to find another job.

HappyHamsters · 09/12/2023 12:59

He can self cert for 7 days but if its affecting his health maybe he needs to find something else. A gp note wouldn't affect future jobs.

HermioneWeasley · 09/12/2023 13:00

IT roles are really in demand so he should resign and look for something else. Listen to him when he says he’s struggling

ANightingale · 09/12/2023 13:01

I agree, he needs some time off.

Original poster
cantthinkofanythinh · 09/12/2023 13:01

I know, it would be best if he woukd just take time off on the sick but I know he's so proud he just simply won't do that.

I'm going to have a sit down with him and tell him he needs to think about himself and not how the colleagues will or won't cope without him.

I don't believe there is anyone more senior to the two people he mentioned to me.

OP posts:
letstrythatagain · 09/12/2023 13:02

As others have said the better option would be for him to get signed off. If he is having suicidal thoughts then he definitely needs to do this to pull himself back from the edge. That way he can focus on his health and look for a different job at the same time. Sounds tough for you both 💕

starlight2k · 09/12/2023 13:03

Is it possible for him to find temp / agency work while he finds something suitable?

Hellenika · 09/12/2023 13:03

I’d support him wanting to resign. He will have to work a notice period anyway and can apply for a new job in the interim. He’s having suicidal thoughts due to the job so this should be taken more seriously by you. He can sign up for new style JSA once he’s worked his notice. There is time to scale back Christmas and go through your budget and cut any extra outgoings.

BeenRoundThatBlock · 09/12/2023 13:05

How scary to hear that from him, I really feel for you OP.

So he absolutely has to get out of there.

I agree with PP that he needs an immediate pressure relief and that is getting signed off.

But it's a fact that it's easier to get a new job when you're already in a job. So I'd make Operation: Get DH A New Job your shared challenge. Work together on finding and applying for roles. There are lots of IT roles out there so he sounds very likely to get snapped up. You sound very willing and able to support him in this (as I am sure he would if things were reversed, you're a team after all).

Good luck. I've been where DH is and with hindsight it did me no favours to not take sick leave sooner - and I did get another job because I swore I'd never let work drive me to depression again.

Hellenika · 09/12/2023 13:06

I wouldn’t sign off sick as sickness/absence can be requested during referencing. If there is a set last day at work, he will immediately feel better than in a limbo of telling his current employer he is too sick to work while telling potential employers he is perfectly well and excited about any opportunity to come work for them.

Original poster
cantthinkofanythinh · 09/12/2023 13:11

Thanks you all for your help. He is currently in the spare room applying for jobs- 3 so far. I'm so worried for him. Mental health is so serious and if it were me I'd be off but I simply will not, cannot make him go out in sick. I think he will have to resign and it's my understanding that he has 3 mths notice

OP posts:
Original poster
cantthinkofanythinh · 09/12/2023 13:12

Hellenika · 09/12/2023 13:06

I wouldn’t sign off sick as sickness/absence can be requested during referencing. If there is a set last day at work, he will immediately feel better than in a limbo of telling his current employer he is too sick to work while telling potential employers he is perfectly well and excited about any opportunity to come work for them.

That's his worry. Realistically a new employer would be put off if they thought a candidate had poor mental health. High pressure jobs need someone resilient ( which he 100% is under normal circumstances)

OP posts:
Hellenika · 09/12/2023 13:19

cantthinkofanythinh · 09/12/2023 13:12

That's his worry. Realistically a new employer would be put off if they thought a candidate had poor mental health. High pressure jobs need someone resilient ( which he 100% is under normal circumstances)

Show quote history

They would. They are not supposed to, but the reality is for any high paying / high responsibility roles they would be put off. He doesn’t have to disclose, but even if he doesn’t his current employer sounds the type to just let the new employer know by back channels that your DH is off sick with stress as a ‘just thought you should know’, and then the job offer gets withdrawn. This happens all the time.

While in his notice period, he can use up any annual leave/holiday he has. If he times it right, over Christmas and NYE’s say he has a 2 month notice, he can use holidays plus his annual leave/holiday entitlement to only go into the office rarely.

Wednesday6 · 09/12/2023 13:20

He should find another job, as senior IT there is a lot of demand and he might be able to find WFH options. My DH went through the same and were so happy with his new job now. Massively different culture and he thrives there.

Hellenika · 09/12/2023 13:23

cantthinkofanythinh · 09/12/2023 13:11

Thanks you all for your help. He is currently in the spare room applying for jobs- 3 so far. I'm so worried for him. Mental health is so serious and if it were me I'd be off but I simply will not, cannot make him go out in sick. I think he will have to resign and it's my understanding that he has 3 mths notice

He can ask his HR about garden leave though. Some companies do pay in lieu of working your notice which translates into garden leave. So if he resigns, they may offer him 3 months pay in lieu of working his notice especially if his role is one where a competitor might hire him. It means he can’t start a new job until the end of the garden leave (3 months), but it gets him out of the office on full pay.

DelphiniumBlue · 09/12/2023 13:42

He can get signed off for something other than stress. If he takes a week self-certifying and then rings the GP and says he's got a chest infection/covid type symptoms they will not want him to come in and will likely sign him off.
Then his sick record says flu/covid/chest infection rather than stress, so then he does not look "weak".
Can you help him set up some harder boundaries? Eg "out of office" message set up and switched on outside formal working hours, work phone switched off, email to boss re concerns about reporting lines asking for concrete answers?

easilydistracted1 · 09/12/2023 14:49

I think he really really needs to think about the here and now and how unwell he is. If he is at crisis point and suicidal he needs to take time off for some breathing space. He can think about next steps later if he is this ill and get support. As another poster says he can self cert for the first week. If a new employer would not want him because he has been unwell under extreme stress then they aren't the right employer

Oblomov23 · 09/12/2023 14:53

Get his CV updated and out there this weekend. Apply for at least 2 jobs. When you apply it this brings your cv to the top of other search engines.

user1471556818 · 09/12/2023 14:58

I've had a breakdown due to work with serious suicide thoughts . He should go off sick with a virus that gives him a week then speak to Gp ASAP to get some support .phone a mental health helpline .
I totally get he doesn't want to go off sick it is likely to get back to new employers. I think you need to take a deep breath and encourage him to resign and start looking for new job .
Best wishes to you both

IHS · 09/12/2023 15:05

I had to go sick from work due to feeling suicidal and depression. I then quit my job and found something else. I'd strongly advise your dh to go sick and get some medication to help him through. There's no shame in it and it will help him get back on an even keel. He'll probably need a couple of months off.

Tell him to try IT recruitment agencies for job openings. The agencies are often better than applying directly for jobs as they do a lot of the application work for you and will recommend you for particular jobs. My ds found his job this way.