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Original poster

Everyone around me has their life together, I don't and it is so lonely

27 replies

sadsister23 · 08/12/2023 17:41

Forgive me for the self indulgent pity party but I just feel so alone right now.

Background: I'm 33. Had anorexia from ages 13-26 which is when I finally engaged with treatment. Despite being so unwell I managed to achieve academically - I sat my A Levels in hospital and went to uni although didn't have the typical uni experience as I couldn't drink due to the calories in alcohol etc. At 21 I chose teaching as a career as it was one of the few professions I could think of that didn't involve sitting at a desk all day (standing burns more calories 🙄) and lasted a year and a bit before being signed off by the doctor. I then worked in retail and had part time jobs until I was able manage full time work at the age of 28.

Only now have I realised the career path I want to go down which involves retraining - I will be beginning this next year and it will involve a significant pay cut but increase my earning potential in the future. I am scared about this, especially with the cost of living at the moment.

I have a lovely boyfriend of 2 1/2 years who I see 4-5 nights a week depending on what else we have going on. We don't live together yet and this is partly my fault as I have had residual disordered behaviours that I haven't wanted him to see and that I am working on. We hope to move in together once I have completed my retraining course.

Life just feels very hard. I live in an affluent area in the South East so everyone around me appears to totally have their lives together - good jobs, nice houses, steady relationships whereas I am struggling financially and am starting my career all over again. I am extremely lucky that my parents helped me to buy a house but when anything goes wrong - as it has done recently - they still have to help me to pay for it to be fixed. It's embarrassing - my brother is 3 years younger but doesn't require handouts like me.

I don't know why I am feeling so negative at the moment - perhaps it is the time of year, but I am scared of the future - I am scared of not coping on my course next year, I am scared that I won't manage financially, I am scared of the damage I have done to my body now the years malnutrition and being underweight are catching up with me.

This isn't the life I envisaged when I embarked on recovery. I want to get my life together but I don't even know how. And this time of the year is the worst - all the meals out (which I still struggle with) and social obligations, forced fun and pressure to be happy. I am scared that life will always feel this difficult.

I just needed to get that out before I go out tonight for my boyfriend's work Xmas party and have to put a brave face on. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

OP posts:
erinaceus · 08/12/2023 17:51

My story not dissimilar.

Happy to chat by PM if that would help (not wild about typing out my whole story here, but there are marked similarities). Not sure I can offer much aside from buckets of solidarity. You aren’t the only one (I do know a few of us) for all that it can feel that way.

I hear you on the time of year. I’ve been recovered 18 years now and it doesn’t bother me in the same way anymore but I do remember the dread about meals out and all that l, whilst everyone around seems so happy.

Take care of yourself.

Thiswayorthatway · 08/12/2023 17:52

Not everyone has their life together, they just make it look as though they have. Look after yourself OP

user628468523532453 · 08/12/2023 18:04

You're far too harsh towards yourself. Your life sounds together to me.

Beating yourself up has the same impact on your central nervous system as someone else beating you up.

You deserve compassion, not punishment. Stop giving yourself a hard time.

littleburn · 08/12/2023 18:14

Another way of looking at 'where you are now' is that you have turned a corner and you are 'getting your life together'. You have direction, you know what you want to do career-wise and you're making a start on that, you have a happy relationship and you're in recovery from a long-term illness. I'm not minimising at all what you're feeling right now, but if you step back a little the bigger picture is you are moving forwards.

Adelaide66 · 08/12/2023 18:15

Focus on today. Be kind to yourself. Positive thinking. There is always someone worse off. Good luck.

RepetitiveMotion · 08/12/2023 18:19

You sound like you are doing really well. Comparison is not only the thief of joy, but also you never, ever know what people’s lives are really like. They are rarely “perfect”. People show what they want you to see.

RydelikeaViking · 08/12/2023 18:21

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SutWytTi · 08/12/2023 18:22

Amazing trajectory you've taken.

It's not easy recognising the progress you've made, you're doing ok Flowers

MintJulia · 08/12/2023 18:23

OP, You're doing fine.

You have a boyfriend and a career. I've no partner so I understand the loneliness.

Very few people's lives are perfect, different people each have their own troubles.

Just keep doing your best and try to deal with one thing at a time.

Jandob · 08/12/2023 18:26

We look like it's together but it's really chaos. I like routine and a bit of social stuff. Agree a time to leave if you find it too stressful. I don't apologise anymore for not being available all the time.

RydelikeaViking · 08/12/2023 18:27

I am going to add that life is full of ups & downs

Nobody has the perfect life !

Take time to enjoy the good parts of your life

Strawberrycheesecake7 · 08/12/2023 18:29

It sounds to me like you have your life together, or are at least making great progress in getting there. You have a house, a healthy relationship and are going to train for the career you want. That all sounds very positive to me. It may seem like others are “further ahead” than you but it’s not a race and you still have plenty of time to get everything you want.

LollipopViolet · 08/12/2023 18:31

I totally understand OP. I had a really tough time through school, college, uni and then bouncing from job to job and qualification to qualification. Only in the last couple of years have I settled in to work.

When I was at uni, I was having a tough time with my mental health, and spoke to my tutor. I said similar to you, it felt like everyone had it all together and I felt like I was failing. He taught me an analogy that really helped and I still go back to now when I feel like that.

He said "have you ever looked at a swan? It all looks calm, serene and together on top, but under the surface their legs are kicking like crazy to maintain that appearance. We're all swans. Some people are better at hiding the frantic kicking, but it'll be there."

Congratulations on your achievements and the changes you've made so far, and good luck with the retraining.

Wisterical · 08/12/2023 18:34

But you're doing amazingly! You're dealing really well with an incredibly difficult illness, you're obviously loved, you've got one degree and you've even got a career plan for the future. You're a fucking star! Some days are tough and all we can do is walk through them, put our head on the pillow at night and try and start afresh in the morning.

This time of year can be horribly stressful. What you see is rarely how things really are for people. Most of us are a bit of a mess tbh, just muddling through. You're just human, cut yourself some slack.

Original poster
sadsister23 · 08/12/2023 18:45

I need to go out now but I just want to say thank you to all of you for taking the time to reply and make me feel heard rather than like a whiney bitch lol. You all make good points and I take your points that I need to focus on the good things that I have and the fact that I am making the right changes to ensure I am where I can get to where I want to be.

Thank you all again, I really appreciate your kindness Flowers

OP posts:
Cosycover · 08/12/2023 18:55

No no no no, give yourself a shake right now.

You were ill for a long time. You have got better, you are figuring out what you want to do in life and making that happen.

Sounds pretty inspirational to me 🩷

laladoodoo · 08/12/2023 19:35

I think it's pretty amazing that you are taking a leap towards the career you want despite knowing there may be some interim sacrifices. But it's all for the greater good. You are inspiring! I'm going to bet many of the people you think "have it together" would like to do the same but can't or won't take the plunge and go for it!

Would you consider sharing a little of what concerns you about moving in with your other half? It might put you more at ease? Obv easier said than done of course.

Best of luck tonight ❤️

Pooracoustics · 08/12/2023 19:48

Hope you are surviving the evening ok op.

Just wanted to ask have you tried journaling?

I don’t know if this is a rubbish suggestion or not but when in the trenches I write out the things I am finding challenging on the left hand page, then re-word them in a more positive way underneath.

Then write out the more positive version in the middle of the right page again.

So …

NEGATIVE
I am so stressed tonight because it’s nearly Christmas and I have to go out and socialise my bf’s colleagues and it’s the last thing I want to do. I don’t want to let him down and I feel anxious and self conscious.

POSITIVE
This time last year I couldn’t have dreamed of being in the position where I get to support my bf at his work’s party. Although it will be challenging I feel proud of myself for going. And happy that I can support him.

POSITIVE SUMMARY
I am making progress towards my goals and I can do difficult things.

I know it looks a bit simplistic and naff but done every day over time it can help!

Good luck and don’t compare yourself to anyone else! X

Twiglets1 · 08/12/2023 20:00

You have a lovely boyfriend and a house - you're doing so much better than a lot of people - plus you have developed such resilience.

It's totally normal for parents to help their kids get on the housing ladder these days, my 31 year old daughter would still be living at home if we hadn't given her a big deposit to buy her flat. We don't begrudge her the money at all and are proud that she is managing the mortgage payments on her own and coping with all the maintenance issues involved in being a homeowner.

You should be proud of what you have achieved, I'm sure your parents are proud of you so try to calm those negative thoughts if you can.

squeekychicken · 08/12/2023 20:00

You're only 33.
You've overcome so much- well done. You're probably lucky to be alive as ED's are brutal.
You have a career/ training path ahead. (I left teaching after a year. Retrained and did a doctorate when I was 32).
You have a boyfriend who you like to spend time with.

You have so much to look forward to in life. Focus on the positives and how far you've come.

cantbecaught · 08/12/2023 20:35

You sound like you've achieved an amazing amount and should be so proud. A university degree while seriously ill. A successful relationship. A pathway to the career you want. You ARE taking steps to the life you want. The saying 'comparison is the thief of joy' is so true. You're only 33 and have lots of time to make your life whatever you choose. You should feel really proud at how far you've come.

klajs · 08/12/2023 20:39

OP you are overcoming an awful mental illness that has killed many, I think you're doing amazingly.

Allegra567 · 08/12/2023 20:48

Agree with all the above posters and suggest you live in the present and the promise of the future. Put the past behind you. It’s gone.

Pigeonqueen · 08/12/2023 20:58

I promise you that no one feels they have their life sorted, even those that you perceive do. Other people will look at you and think you’re doing really well. Comparison is the thief of joy.

FrozenGhost · 09/12/2023 00:41

Seems like everything is going pretty well for you OP. In fact it sounds like a dream life. You have a house in the south East, live in a nice area, a lovely partner, supportive family, no money worries due to your parents, a busy social life, a job and opportunity to train in a career that will pay well. What more is there? Many people would love even one of those things, let alone all of them.