Forgive me for the self indulgent pity party but I just feel so alone right now.
Background: I'm 33. Had anorexia from ages 13-26 which is when I finally engaged with treatment. Despite being so unwell I managed to achieve academically - I sat my A Levels in hospital and went to uni although didn't have the typical uni experience as I couldn't drink due to the calories in alcohol etc. At 21 I chose teaching as a career as it was one of the few professions I could think of that didn't involve sitting at a desk all day (standing burns more calories 🙄) and lasted a year and a bit before being signed off by the doctor. I then worked in retail and had part time jobs until I was able manage full time work at the age of 28.
Only now have I realised the career path I want to go down which involves retraining - I will be beginning this next year and it will involve a significant pay cut but increase my earning potential in the future. I am scared about this, especially with the cost of living at the moment.
I have a lovely boyfriend of 2 1/2 years who I see 4-5 nights a week depending on what else we have going on. We don't live together yet and this is partly my fault as I have had residual disordered behaviours that I haven't wanted him to see and that I am working on. We hope to move in together once I have completed my retraining course.
Life just feels very hard. I live in an affluent area in the South East so everyone around me appears to totally have their lives together - good jobs, nice houses, steady relationships whereas I am struggling financially and am starting my career all over again. I am extremely lucky that my parents helped me to buy a house but when anything goes wrong - as it has done recently - they still have to help me to pay for it to be fixed. It's embarrassing - my brother is 3 years younger but doesn't require handouts like me.
I don't know why I am feeling so negative at the moment - perhaps it is the time of year, but I am scared of the future - I am scared of not coping on my course next year, I am scared that I won't manage financially, I am scared of the damage I have done to my body now the years malnutrition and being underweight are catching up with me.
This isn't the life I envisaged when I embarked on recovery. I want to get my life together but I don't even know how. And this time of the year is the worst - all the meals out (which I still struggle with) and social obligations, forced fun and pressure to be happy. I am scared that life will always feel this difficult.
I just needed to get that out before I go out tonight for my boyfriend's work Xmas party and have to put a brave face on. Thanks for reading if you got this far.