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Original poster

How to sensitively announce pregnancy

35 replies

bluefrills · 06/12/2023 18:15

I recently found out I’m pregnant and had been planning on telling immediate family on Christmas Eve. It’s dawned on me however that this could trigger my sisters mental health.

She had a very traumatic birth around 18 months ago. She has been diagnosed with complex PTSD and also suffered from post partum psychosis. I was aware that around a year ago my cousins pregnancy triggered her mental health.

I obviously don’t want to trigger her so won’t be announcing to my immediate family on Christmas Eve. I’ll tell my mum separately in the way I had planned.

I am looking for advice please on how to sensitively tell my sister I’m pregnant. She’ll obviously need to find out one way or another but I’d like to be mindful of her mental health

OP posts:
vodkawipes · 06/12/2023 18:16

Text

3amShopper · 06/12/2023 18:17

Tell your mum, then get your mum to tell her. Don't overcomplicate or overthink it.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Original poster
bluefrills · 06/12/2023 18:29

Thanks, that would maybe be best!

OP posts:

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SiennaMillar · 06/12/2023 18:32

I’d tell her 1:1, to her face, quietly, making sure that she had someone at home ready to comfort her. If it was me, and you told mum to tell me, I’d feel like ‘why can’t she speak to me herself? Am I that difficult to speak to?’

ThisIsntThe80sPat · 06/12/2023 18:34

Text. Gives your sister time to process it, not have to "fake" happiness".
I preferred texts when I was struggling to get pregnant (4 years TTC, and going through icsi)

00100001 · 06/12/2023 18:34

Why "announce" it at all? Just talk to people

Original poster
bluefrills · 06/12/2023 18:37

@ThisIsntThe80sPat I did consider text. She told me about her pregnancy via text so I know she won’t be offended. Her and her husband conceived via IVF so I’m also considerate to the fact that I fell pregnant within a year of trying and that this may also upset her.

@00100001 I knew someone would nitpick something about my post. Good old mumsnet!

OP posts:
00100001 · 06/12/2023 18:47

Well, you're the one who used announce and then said you wanted to tell everyone on Christmas Eve, implying it was some sort of event/ special announcement...

Just go round to your sister's house and tell her over a cup of tea, like a normal person.

Original poster
bluefrills · 06/12/2023 19:01

@00100001 its special to me, to my partner and will be special to my parents, my partners family etc etc. Of course it’s not special to you, a stranger on the internet. I am very much a normal person however my sister lives 3 hours away and the next time I will see her face to face will be Christmas Eve

OP posts:
reluctantbrit · 06/12/2023 19:24

Would it help to talk to your BIL first so he is prepared of a potential trigger and he is definitely there?

Maybe try to find a date a couple of days prior to Christmas, meet up at their house so your sister can be somewhere safe/familiar and has support and tell her.

Having your mum as a go-between or just sending a text - I would find that awful.

Original poster
bluefrills · 06/12/2023 19:32

@reluctantbrit I had considered speaking to my BIL first and this is still an option. Unfortunately the first time I will see her face to face is Christmas Eve so my options are to text her or wait until after Christmas. She told me about her pregnancy via text so I’m sure she wouldn’t mind me telling her about mine that way. I suppose it would allow her time to process her feelings towards it. Having thought about it I won’t get my mum to tell her, as someone pointed out she may wonder why I couldn’t speak to her about it

OP posts:
fuckssaaaaake · 06/12/2023 19:44

bluefrills · 06/12/2023 18:37

@ThisIsntThe80sPat I did consider text. She told me about her pregnancy via text so I know she won’t be offended. Her and her husband conceived via IVF so I’m also considerate to the fact that I fell pregnant within a year of trying and that this may also upset her.

@00100001 I knew someone would nitpick something about my post. Good old mumsnet!

I expected that comment too. Ffs you just mean tell them, it's clear from your post you don't mean a fanfare and balloons. Just ignore them OP. Good luck with everything and you sound like a very thoughtful sister

Original poster
bluefrills · 06/12/2023 20:13

Thanks @fuckssaaaaake. Your username sums up perfectly how I felt reading the unhelpful comments!

OP posts:
WhereIsBebèsChambre · 06/12/2023 20:21

You are being very caring. What is it that would trigger her? Sorry to be so uninformed, is it would trigger memories of her pregnancy or she'd be concerned same happens to you?

ElderMillenials · 06/12/2023 20:26

I'd wait until after Christmas to tell her if it's likely to upset her. You say you recently found out so presumably it's still early.

18 months isn't long ago I'd let your sister, BIL and family (and you) enjoy Christmas with their dc then tell your mum after.

Original poster
bluefrills · 06/12/2023 20:32

@WhereIsBebèsChambre anything related to pregnancy and child birth was triggering for her for a while. Seeing a pregnant stomach, pregnancy announcements on Facebook, hearing that a friend is in labour for example. Having not suffered from ill mental health myself I don’t fully understand it but I think certain things take her back to the feelings she experienced during her traumatic birth.

@ElderMillenials I will be 11 weeks at Christmas. I have also considered not telling her however we are staying at hers for 3 days from Christmas Eve onwards and so many things would give it away (not drinking, constant nausea and some being sick, not being able to eat the things we eat every Christmas such as smoked salmon, blue cheese, Brie, pate, haggis etc). I will be telling my mum next weekend following a private early scan and will ask her advice too. She seems pretty in tune with my sisters mental health and will know how to best navigate this!

OP posts:
Mystro202 · 06/12/2023 20:38

Ugh some people on here are majorly annoying! Don't mind them OP! Of course you want to announce your pregnancy, it is a very exciting time for you and you are also being very mindful to your sister. It's sad that this time is being tinged for you. Hopefully your sister can be happy for you no matter what way she finds out 🥰

DoThePropeller · 06/12/2023 20:40

I would just text. I had a traumatic pregnancy, ending in a late loss and naturally found it hard for a while. Text was by far the best way for me to hear news, in person was hard as nowhere to hide physically or mentally. Or tell over the phone and don’t be offended if she says lovely news and hurry’s you off the phone.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 06/12/2023 20:40

@bluefrills again its kind of you to be so considerate, is she getting help with this? I don't think it's fair you should have this anxiety put on you. I hope it's not a 'thing' in your family that dictates other peoples lives. You should be able to talk about and celebrate your pregnancy. (How unmumsnetty of me!)

camelfinger · 06/12/2023 20:44

As others have said, I would write a gentle text to your sister and then announce to other family members as planned. I really appreciated it when friends did this for me when I was struggling to that I had time to process and then be happy for them.

Headshoulderscheeseontoast · 06/12/2023 20:46

00100001 · 06/12/2023 18:47

Well, you're the one who used announce and then said you wanted to tell everyone on Christmas Eve, implying it was some sort of event/ special announcement...

Just go round to your sister's house and tell her over a cup of tea, like a normal person.

Bloody hell some people on here! It is a special announcement for fuck sake

Original poster
bluefrills · 06/12/2023 20:47

@WhereIsBebèsChambre yes she is under the care of a CPN and has lots of support around her.

I think text will be the best way forward as it allows her to react in whatever way she likes and then respond to my message. She will also be able to process it and speak to her husband before I see her. I know she will be delighted for me and will be happy to become an aunt and for her DC to have a cousin but I’d like to be mindful of her triggers

OP posts:
allmyliesaretrue · 06/12/2023 20:52

I found it difficult when my sister and I were pregnant at the same time - I wanted to be pregnant; she didn't. I had a miscarriage. She had a healthy baby. She refused for months to even talk about being pregnant and it was hard!!

I'd focus on her becoming an aunt and her little one having a cousin.

salamirose · 06/12/2023 20:52

bluefrills · 06/12/2023 19:01

@00100001 its special to me, to my partner and will be special to my parents, my partners family etc etc. Of course it’s not special to you, a stranger on the internet. I am very much a normal person however my sister lives 3 hours away and the next time I will see her face to face will be Christmas Eve

To be fair to the poster who is 0s and 1s it wasn't clear if it was going to be an announcement with fanfare and some sort of gimmicky reveal or a simple hello everyone just so you know I'm not drinking as I'm pregnant.

salamirose · 06/12/2023 20:53

Text is definitely the way forward and don't start it with " I know this will be difficult for you" or similar. That always comes across a bit pitying