Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

What does it mean to be a carer?

41 replies

StayedAtHome · 06/12/2023 11:33

A good friend of mine has been struggling a lot after getting covid 18 months ago. She can’t cook or do any HW so her dh has taken all that on. But she is still doing all the stuff she can like sorting menus and food shopping, dealing with all the Christmas presents/cards etc… basically all the stuff she can do from her bed. Plus her own basic self care.

Her dh is clamouring he is now a carer.

A friend of ours, who is a carer fir her mum and has been for years, highlights he isn’t doing anything he wouldn’t do if he was living in his own, aka he isn’t involved in seeing doctors/consultants, has no clue re her medications, doesn’t help her on a daily basis eg to get dressed or have a shower. So in her view, he isn’t a carer.
And Tbf, he really has carried on living his life as before bar the cleaning…. Still going away on a regular basis leaving her alone, having his own hobbies etc….

So it made me wonder what you’d all think.
Ive side stepped giving any opinion on that but I don’t think I’ll be able to do that much longer 😝

OP posts:
Original poster
StayedAtHome · 06/12/2023 12:14

Anyone?

OP posts:
breakingtheglass · 06/12/2023 12:17

I think you need to just stop worrying about it . Me and my dh are carers for our dc and people say ‘oh but you have to look after your kids anyway- so why do you get paid to be carers ????’

If you aren’t with this couple 24/7 you can’t really know what he has to do and therefore shouldn’t be worrying about it as it doesn’t affect you

Pigeonqueen · 06/12/2023 12:19

Sometimes care is about more than physically manoeuvring/ helping people. For example, I’m disabled myself but I’m a carer to Ds who has autism and learning disabilities. We both claim dla / PIP and I receive carers allowance for Ds. He doesn’t need me to physically move him or dress him etc but he does need someone to motivate him and prompt him. I think we should be very careful of judging other’s situations. It may be that he’s had to reduce his work in which case claiming carers allowance makes sense - although you don’t have to claim carers allowance to be or call yourself a carer.

Original poster
StayedAtHome · 06/12/2023 12:57

I agree it’s hard to judge and that’s one reason I’ve tried hard to avoid ‘taking sides’ in this particular case.

It IS true that he isn’t doing a lot for her. I’ve been to see her a couple if times at the weekend. He was away for the two days, hadn’t left her anything food wise so she had been having toast with cheese until I saw her on the Sunday am.
He hasn’t changed his hours at work, the frequency of his hobbies/going out either.

On a personal level, I’d say you are a carer when you end up doing more than you’d normally do for that person.

So, for me, it would mean a teen cooking all/most of the meals fir their parent.
An adult needing to remind their partner about their medication, nudging them to eat, sorting out medication renewal.
But cooking and cleaning the house? It very much feels like a lot/most women do for their family anyway? And no one would call them a carer for their DH iyswim. So I get what our friends is getting at.

OP posts:
SlothOfDespair · 06/12/2023 13:18

It sounds like he is a carer to me.

Original poster
StayedAtHome · 06/12/2023 13:22

Could you explain why @SlothOfDespair ?
What does make one a carer?

OP posts:
Amchoor · 06/12/2023 13:33

I'm staying with my mum while she's terminally ill. I'm washing her, dressing her, feeding her, cleaning her house, doing her shopping, speaking with her doctors and nurses, dealing with all her medications. I'm now her carer.

Your 'good friend''s husband is taking on more responsibility for things around the house as well as helping his incapacitated wife. He is also her carer now. I doubt you know the full story as you're not married to them.

Amchoor · 06/12/2023 13:35

If she's doing the food shopping, as you said, why did he need to leave her food in the house when he was away?

stealthninjamum · 06/12/2023 13:35

I haven’t claimed any benefits but I understand that you are eligible for disability benefits for your child if they have significant needs compared to other children their own age. I can’t work because my autistic daughter isn’t developed in the way that other children of the same age are and so it is more effort for me to look after her and organise appointments and meetings for her. Luckily I have an exh who supports us.

So I view a carer as someone who does more to support a family member than would be expected and maybe there’s an element of the carer sacrificing some of their life.

I would be angry at the husband calling himself a carer because it doesn’t feel like he is sacrificing his life or even looking after her particularly well. It sounds like he’s boasting about what a great guy he is. Also there’s still a division of household labour with her doing the tasks she is able to.

Sirzy · 06/12/2023 13:35

Unless he is only working a few hours a week he isn’t claiming anything as a carer financially.

SlothOfDespair · 06/12/2023 13:47

I think there are different degrees of caring/ being a carer.
His wife in incapacitated/ bedbound. She is not able to do everything she would normally do. He is doing things he wouldn't do if she wasn't bedbound. He will have reorganised some aspects of his life to accommodate her new circumstances. He may not receive carers' allowance, he may not have given up his job but socially, practically and emotionally, his life is arranged differently because of her illness.

Original poster
StayedAtHome · 06/12/2023 16:32

Amchoor · 06/12/2023 13:35

If she's doing the food shopping, as you said, why did he need to leave her food in the house when he was away?

Because the food needs cooking?

OP posts:
clpsmum · 06/12/2023 16:37

Is think it was absolutely none of Mu business and stop listening to gossips

clpsmum · 06/12/2023 16:38

StayedAtHome · 06/12/2023 12:57

I agree it’s hard to judge and that’s one reason I’ve tried hard to avoid ‘taking sides’ in this particular case.

It IS true that he isn’t doing a lot for her. I’ve been to see her a couple if times at the weekend. He was away for the two days, hadn’t left her anything food wise so she had been having toast with cheese until I saw her on the Sunday am.
He hasn’t changed his hours at work, the frequency of his hobbies/going out either.

On a personal level, I’d say you are a carer when you end up doing more than you’d normally do for that person.

So, for me, it would mean a teen cooking all/most of the meals fir their parent.
An adult needing to remind their partner about their medication, nudging them to eat, sorting out medication renewal.
But cooking and cleaning the house? It very much feels like a lot/most women do for their family anyway? And no one would call them a carer for their DH iyswim. So I get what our friends is getting at.

Edited

It's not your place to judge

Original poster
StayedAtHome · 06/12/2023 16:54

@SlothOfDespair i get what you are saying about reorganising your life and I think that’s a very good point.

In my friends case, unfortunately, it doesn’t seem there has been a lot of reorganising on his side. His social life is seriously exactly the same. Practically, he has taken on the HW - in big part because he is refusing to have a cleaner Hmm.
Emotionally is probably a different story. He has a head in the sand approach with a sliver of ‘if you really wanted, you’d be up and about’. He was the same when his parents were dying of cancer too 😢😢.

Watching her has made me think twice about how much I and my partner do for each other on a daily basis tbh. About the balance but also about the visible vs invisible stuff.
And about what I’d call the ‘emotional load’ (rather than the mental load). Aka the impact of supporting your partner on you emotionally. And again whether it’s balanced or not iyswim.
eg my DP has had bouts of depression and I’ve been supporting through that (practically and emotionally too).
But I’d never saw myself as a carer. Just a loving partner if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
StayedAtHome · 06/12/2023 16:56

clpsmum · 06/12/2023 16:37

Is think it was absolutely none of Mu business and stop listening to gossips

I didn’t know that listening to my best friend talking to me about her life, illness etc.. was listening to gossip.

Interesting take.

OP posts:
Laiste · 06/12/2023 17:05

Why do you have to 'take sides'?

What difference does it make to you if he calls himself a carer?

clpsmum · 06/12/2023 17:06

I was talking about the so called other friend you listened to who didn't think your friends husband was as much of a career as she is!!

Wouldn't want a friend that posted about me on mumsnet discussing my business and whether my husband should be called a cater or not tbh.

Ratfinkstinkypink · 06/12/2023 17:14

StayedAtHome · 06/12/2023 13:22

Could you explain why @SlothOfDespair ?
What does make one a carer?

Because if he wasn't there to do the cleaning who would do it? Would she need to employ someone to do the jobs that he's picked up around the house?

Laiste · 06/12/2023 17:20

If he's doing her laundry and cleaning the bathroom, her bedding and doing all the washing up, then that is partly caring duties.

Does he pick up prescriptions ect?

Original poster
StayedAtHome · 06/12/2023 17:27

Nope he doesn’t pick prescriptions at all. Nor has he ever taken her to any appointments. @Laiste

If he's doing her laundry and cleaning the bathroom, her bedding and doing all the washing up, then that is partly caring duties.
Indont know about you, but I do that in my house as a matter of course. I never considered that caring duties. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Sirzy · 06/12/2023 17:33

I think you just want to find a reason to have a go at him to be honest. No reflection of the impact in the change in his wife is also going to have had on him at all.

Original poster
StayedAtHome · 06/12/2023 17:39

@clpsmum , we are 3 very long term friends. About 30 years ago when we met.
We’ve supported each other through many trials, from the death of a parent, PND, divorce, caring duties etc….
And both myself and my friend are there to support the friend who is currently ill with LC.

You might think it’s gossiping. But when you end up the person who take said ill person to appointments, cook some food for them etc… you are involved in the looking after the person.
In some ways, if I look at the description posters have given, we’ve become her carers. Not that either of us have ever seen it that way. We’re just friends giving a hand to someone who is struggling atm.

The discussion though was about what being a carer means.
My friend has different expectations because she is physically caring fir a close one and doesn’t see what she does for our friend as being a carer but just helping.
I wouldn’t either. Nor for what I do for my friend, nor for what I do for my DP.

Reading what posters think caring means, it sounds like we are both carers fir my friend just I am a carer for my DP (eg because I’ve taken in all hw and cooking). It feels very strange tbh.

OP posts:
BornIn78 · 06/12/2023 17:41

You're only getting half a story from your friend.

The fact that she's in charge of the food shopping, but apparently had to live on cheese on toast while he was away just doesn't add up.

She can make cheese on toast but can't put a frozen ready meal in the microwave?

I think you need to stop gossiping and playing carer top trumps with your other friend who cares for her mum.

RuthW · 06/12/2023 17:49

Yes, he's a carer.

This is part of my job. Carers can be from an hour a week to 24 hours a day.