What does it mean to be a carer?

[StayedAtHome]

A good friend of mine has been struggling a lot after getting covid 18 months ago. She can’t cook or do any HW so her dh has taken all that on. But she is still doing all the stuff she can like sorting menus and food shopping, dealing with all the Christmas presents/cards etc… basically all the stuff she can do from her bed. Plus her own basic self care.

Her dh is clamouring he is now a carer.

A friend of ours, who is a carer fir her mum and has been for years, highlights he isn’t doing anything he wouldn’t do if he was living in his own, aka he isn’t involved in seeing doctors/consultants, has no clue re her medications, doesn’t help her on a daily basis eg to get dressed or have a shower. So in her view, he isn’t a carer.
And Tbf, he really has carried on living his life as before bar the cleaning…. Still going away on a regular basis leaving her alone, having his own hobbies etc….

So it made me wonder what you’d all think.
Ive side stepped giving any opinion on that but I don’t think I’ll be able to do that much longer 😝

DH has stage 4 cancer, and i am his carer.

To the world he presents as "fine", tired alot, immunocompromised, but fine.

Behind closed doors, he's massively anxious, has outbursts, can't communicate at times, can't read, uses me as a guide to negotiate streets, especially if unfamiliar and busy.

He can't plan, anticipate events and mitigate actions.

I calculate his medication, advocate for him at (many!) medical appointments. I plan outings and social events around his capabilities, particularly things like school parents evenings - organise short walk routes, parking,

I do all housework, cooking, meal planning, bills and I work part time (25 hours).

He doesn't consider me his carer, I'm still his wife, and gets very angry with people thinking he needs care.

Sorry, the point is, I've found there is such a massive stigma around being sick and incapacitated when you are working age, and there just isn't a recognition of the weight of responsibility involved in care and it's worth is routinely underestimated.

If the husband says he's a carer, then he is. He is telling you how he feels about it.

This is very true just from my experience looking in on a family I know. It’s sad that people like the OP still exist to add to that stigma.

adapting to what your body can’t do anymore must be horrendous. Learning to cope with that as a loved one is horrendous. Yet people still feel the need to judge what is or isn’t being done

Why on earth would having a social life prevent you from being a carer?

You don’t see doing all the laundry and housework a caring responsibility, so if you yourself were unable to do those things, what would you do? Providing care is doing something that someone is unable to do for themself, sometimes thats a family member, sometimes a paid employee.

A carer does things for the person that they can't do themselves. My dd has asd and a learning disability. She is 19 but needs me to bathe and dress her and needs to be supervised and accompanied everywhere. She needs her food to be prepared for her. A typical 19 year old can do this care for themselves.

It's not just the physical things, it's the hidden stuff. Could be mood changes, difficulty in ordering prescriptions or remembering to take them. Plus it's the constant thought of 'are they ok' when you're at work or social events. I care for 3 adults, all to different levels, only 1 needs regular physical care, the other parts are invisible to outsiders

Mood changes is a good point @Circlingthesun .
Both from the person who is ill and the partner. It’s a lot to get adjusted to for both of them.

That, fir me, is being a cared. No doubt about it.

And I’m sorry for your DH @Timeforabiscuit . It must be a really trying time for you. Not just because if the caring.

Could your friend manage without him long term?

That’s a hard question. I can only answer based in what she has told me.

I think she thinks she could manage with a cleaner.
Cooking food would be an issue but then she would plan the food shopping very differently from what she has been hinting.

His life has changed because he has gone from having a wife who was an equal partner and presumably worked, left the house and socialised to being married to someone who is in bed all day. Just because others don't think he's a carer that is clearly what he thinks, although I would be concerned that he is using that term because he feels like a carer rather than a husband and is distancing himself from your friend.

I hope your friend's husband, as her carer, is getting all the proper support he needs. Maybe as a good friend you could sign post them to some support organisations. I also hope neither of them find this thread slagging him off and attempting to get others on the internet to do so as well.

@StayedAtHome, what was the split of household duties before your friend got ill? Was he a man who believed housework & cooking are womens work, so, now that he has to do it, he regards himself as a carer regardless of the fact that your friend did it all before without claiming that term?

@Walkacrossthesand There was something like that yes.
She worked full time and when the dcs were at home, she used to do 80~90% of all the parenting/housework/mental load. So yes it has come as a huge shock to him, even Wo any dcs to look after! He’d have said he was very involved though.

I agree. I would say that he is a carer. If your friend isn't able to look after herself independently and this has been going on for more than a year then she has a disability and therefore needs care, which is being provided by her husband.

Realistically how often do prescriptions need picking up anyway ? and many pharmacies will deliver locally free of charge.