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Original poster

If you weren't close to your mum as a teen did it improve?

29 replies

OwlBeGone · 06/12/2023 10:06

Dd and I aren't close, which I feel very sad about. I think I annoy her. She's been gone at university since September (couple of visits since though) and I worry we'll never be closer than we are. She's 18 nearly 19.

I don't know why it's happened. She's had various issues, including mental and physical health which I've tried to support her with. I tell her I love her and I'm proud of her. I take interest in her life and her friends. Do I just sit this out and try and maintain loving and interested contact with her?

OP posts:

Original poster

OwlBeGone · 06/12/2023 10:11

I'm calling her a teen but she's almost 19. It's the fact she's older that's concerning me although I think she's a bit emotionally delayed (asd) so more like 16/17.

OP posts:

BoohooWoohoo · 06/12/2023 10:12

I wasn’t close to my ds but became much closer at uni age when he realised that I wasn’t out to ruin his life and annoy him. He’s still super independent and capable but tells me about his life without me asking which is a massive win.

Mushroo · 06/12/2023 10:19

Honestly no (sorry, I know that’s not what you want to hear).

My mum really irritates me. She’s a nice person, takes an interest in my life but we just do not get on or have a close relationship. We never have really and we’re very different people.

On a deeper level, given I’ve always felt this way, I wonder if it’s linked to having memories of her being stressed / depressed when I was a young child (a SAHM who clearly didn’t really enjoy it - there was a lot of shouting).

I see her out of duty every couple of months and text occasionally, but that’s it really.

Interested in this thread?

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Families

Original poster

OwlBeGone · 06/12/2023 10:24

It's ok @Mushroo I appreciate the honesty and some of what you've said applies to my situation too. I would say dd and I are very similar though, not that that may work in my favour. I've had my own mh issues over the years and have found motherhood very hard. My relationship with my own mum is poor.

OP posts:

Finestreason · 06/12/2023 10:27

What would a closer relationship look like to you?

I don’t think we were friends but I relied on her when I needed her. She worked a lot so was preoccupied with that and I was busy with my life. We didn’t do fun days out (bleurgh) or intense conversations or even shared interests. We grew briefly closer after the firstborn grandchild but that was a practical relationship at the time.

Mushroo · 06/12/2023 10:28

@OwlBeGone i think what might help our relationship is having a proper conversation acknowledging it.

Were just kind of polite and nice to each other, without addressing the fact that we don’t actually really get on.

Maybe something like could work? (It has got a bit better as an adult compared to a teen though :) )

ZombieBoob · 06/12/2023 10:28

I hated my mum as a teen from the ages 13-21 we wasn't close at all. Now we are as really close. I just thought she was trying to ruin my fun the whole time. I was a knob as a teen. She'd say an outfit looked nice on me so on I'd go change. I was under age drinking and just generally a dick. No wonder we wasn't close it's a miracle she didn't kill me some days

Catlord · 06/12/2023 10:29

Not really, sorry.

She's a good person but an immature one and that hasn't changed even though she is in her 70s now. I think we are just too different to be genuinely close. My dad also creates distance with his behaviour.

Has she ever pointed out anything you could have done differently? Have a proper reflect on this if so, even if said in anger, rather than just thinking of what you did right (although I'm sure you did a lot right and did your best). My mum refuses to acknowledge some very damaging criticisms which would have made a big difference.

whatsmynameaga1n · 06/12/2023 10:36

I am much closer to my mum as an adult than I was as a teen. She was very stressed in those days (understandably, looking back) and there was a lot of shouting. I was a very moody teenager and kept to myself in my room most of the time.

We are both quite introverted people so we don’t speak constantly but we see each other every couple of weeks and have a great relationship.

Pixiedust1234 · 06/12/2023 10:38

Do I just sit this out and try and maintain loving and interested contact with her?

Yes.

I never connected with my mother until I had my own children then something switched in my brain and I understood what she had tried to teach me. I thought she was just bossy and interfering rather than guiding or raising. I now have the same relationship with DD1 and can see the similarities so I'm watching and waiting until she is ready. If she never is then at least I will know I've tried.

Original poster

OwlBeGone · 06/12/2023 10:40

@Catlord I think I can be passive aggressive at times, which is really bad, and something my own mum is a master at, so I should know better. Dd once said that although she felt I "didn't always understand her, I tried to get her help when I didn't know what to do".

I think I have shown frustration too much and have maybe tried to make her talk about things she hasn't wanted to.(she's not good at talking about her feelings, but this isn't just with me).

There will be other things I've done "wrong" I know, I didn't mean to imply that there weren't but I genuinely don't feel there's anything "big".

OP posts:

LittleBoPeepHasLostHerShit · 06/12/2023 10:44

No. But that's because I felt that she stopped caring about me when I was no longer small and cute. You sound like a nice mum.

JanS17 · 06/12/2023 10:46

Yes.

I was not at all close to my mum when I was a teenager. At the time I would have said I hated her. We are very close now. It got better once I was 18ish and then once I left home and we got out from under each others feet we have gradually built a much better relationship.

lunaticfringer · 06/12/2023 10:51

I was very close to my mum as a little child. We were not close at all between age 11- 30 really. And that was because she backed my emotionally abusive and selfish dad in his horrible parenting. And although she continued to love and support me, her hopeless response in the face of his unpleasantness really spoke volumes.

ExpensiveDecorations · 06/12/2023 10:57

Yes, it improved, there used to be regular shouting and screaming matches, we're OK now but I don't think we will ever be truly close. Things improved gradually once I had left home and more so once I had my own DCs but I don't confide in her and its not what I'd call a loving relationship. However we do talk regularly and help each other out with things, there's no animosity even if we wind each other up a bit sometimes. A lot of it is rooted in her suffering with anxiety, this has been for my entire life and it means there is so much I never tell her because I think it will stress her out. Also when I was growing up all she really seemed to be interested in was her work.

Tempnamechng · 06/12/2023 11:04

My dm and I weren't close at all growing up do to her mental health. I moved out as soon as I could at 20, and that's when we became close. Families are complicated.

BerfyTigot · 06/12/2023 11:25

Yes, I'm very close to my mum now, despite living 200 miles away. We have long phone calls (initiated by both sides) about twice a week.

I'm ashamed to say that I was horrible to her as a teen and remember lying to her, thinking she was controlling and screaming at her that I hated her.
Fortunately she didn't hold it against me.

My brother was also a complete arse to her for about 15 years, well into young adulthood and she forgave that too.

The only advice I can suggest is to keep the lines of communication open and try not to feel hurt.
Good luck!

CountTo10 · 06/12/2023 11:55

No. My Mum was a functional Mum. She cooked and cleaned but there was no love or affection and she was very critical. She remains the same now many decades later. I do what I need to her through duty but we're not close at all.

timeforacoffeebreak · 06/12/2023 12:19

From a different perspective, my mother and I were way TOO close when I was growing up. All throughout my teen years. It's ultimately what has resulted in me going no contact now later In life.
Sometimes I believe it is better to have not a "distant" relationship as such, but one that is a little further away from "close"

barbarahunter · 06/12/2023 12:23

I was never close to my mum for a few reasons, but you seem caring and understanding OP, so I think that you will always be a positive feature in your daughter's life. She is lucky to have you.

Wanttobeok · 06/12/2023 12:25

Yes. I was always a Daddy's girl and me and my mum were not very close.

It was always obvious that my brother was her favourite.

Now we are very close, I've learnt to tolerate the favouritism better although it's still there. I'm very protective of her

HeraSyndulla · 06/12/2023 12:26

No, not really and I haven’t seen her in 30 years.

My parents split when I was only 5 and she returned to southern France taking me and my sister with her. Sadly, I’m convinced she did it just to spite my father because she showed little interest in either of us. Luckily, in our very early teens , we had the opportunity to return to the UK and live with our grandparents on their Dorset farm. It was only then that we found the love and warmth we never had.

CanIPutTheTreeUpYet · 06/12/2023 12:29

No. Mainly because of her. I've tried to broach the subject of what the issues are but she point blank denies or plays the victim herself. If she ever did take some responsibility and acknowledgement of anything, we'd be very close. Unfortunately it isn't going to be.
Hopefully yours will work out soon enough.

Singleandproud · 06/12/2023 12:31

I was awful to my mum growing up, we didn't get along at all. We are very close now. I got older and more mature, recognized the struggles that she had and realized that she isn't perfect. She lost her mum at a young age, her dad couldn't cope, groomed by an abusive man had my sibling at 14, ended up in a refuge etc, met my dad who is the kindest man but has his own MH challenges. She had it really very hard and yet although we didn't have much money she/they provided me with love and encouragement, I just didn't appreciate it at the time. I think my teen years were probably very challenging for her reflecting on her own.

Having my daughter was a big motivator to me growing up and recognizing my mum as more than just that but a person in her own right. I have always made a conscious choice to involve her as much as possible with DD. We spend alot of time together, because of her/their support I am financially alot better off than my parents so I regularly take her out for lunch or to a theatre show and we holiday together with my daughter.

SallyWD · 06/12/2023 12:34

I've heard many times that children pull away from you in their teens and don't "come back" to you until their early 20s.
I had little interest in my parents when I was a teenager. They just seemed to be there to impose unnecessary rules when I thought I knew everything!
However, in my 20s I started really appreciating them and missing them. We've been very close ever since.

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