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Original poster

Death and thoughts of it

32 replies

nameychangio675 · 05/12/2023 22:29

I recently turned 40 which suddenly brought my own mortality into sharp focus. I realised I no longer felt "young" and that I was aging. Had a health check up and everything looks fine but also started reading a book on longevity and been making an effort to go to the gym more etc. I am pretty health, don't drink.

However recently it feels like I know SO MANY people of varying ages who have died or are dying of horrible diseases and it is starting to preoccupy my mind. I just found out a lovely former colleague who is the same age has incurable cancer and is in a hospice. She only found out a few weeks ago. It has had me in bits.

I just find it so shocking and upsetting. I am thinking about this all the time and I want to pull myself back from the abyss of worrying about death and not seeing my DCs again. Any help or insight appreciated. I should add that I work in clinical negligence so see where medical treatment goes wrong, which doesn't help.

OP posts:
Original poster
nameychangio675 · 06/12/2023 00:14

Anyone 😭

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JadeandGreen · 06/12/2023 00:34

I'm like this. Never crossed my mind until my Dad died at 62. I was 42. It was so sudden, he was gone in a matter of weeks. After that I developed terrible health anxiety, and while it's improved slightly, I think about death nearly everyday. I'm 51 now. Whenever i hear or read about anyone dying the first thing I do is ask/calculate what age they were. I have no real reason to feel this way, all of my grandparents lived into their eighties, it was just my Dad that was unlucky. I try to tell myself I have good genes and will be fine, but it's exhausting. I feel as if I'm now living my life with death hanging over me, which is ridiculous for someone of my age, who is, as far as I know, healthy. I have no advice, I just wanted you to know I understand Flowers

Dayoftheduvet · 06/12/2023 00:52

I used to get such bad anxiety around death and dying, it was almost paralysing. I would sit up at nights googling for anything that might somehow make me feel better about it and would often just find things that were either very religious (which I'm not) or would say, 'you'll be dead and just not exist so you won't know' which didn't help me either and in fact made me feel even worse. Then I took magic mushrooms/truffles and had some experiences that have massively helped me with that anxiety. If I wrote about them here I know that mumsnetters who haven't done mushrooms would think I am crazy but genuinely, some of the realisations and experiences I had were incredibly profound for me and completely changed my outlook on death. Now I only really worry about it happening too soon while my children are very young and not being there for them and to look after them, but I'm not preoccupied about it happening in the future now.

Pussygaloregalapagos · 06/12/2023 00:54

Oh dear Barbie, I think you know the only answer is to go to the Real World and find who is playing with you and causing you to turn into 'Intrusive thoughts of death Barbie'. It'll be ok, you are kenough.

Original poster
nameychangio675 · 06/12/2023 03:56

@Dayoftheduvet sounds amazing - can you tell me more? I won't think you are bonkers!

@JadeandGreen thank you x

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decionsdecisions62 · 06/12/2023 05:05

I started to listen to accounts about near death experiences. My own dad had one too. Altogether it's changed my outlook. Not in a religious way. I will never be a religious person. I just am more comforted. In this century we have relied on scientific principles to tell us about death. They actually know nothing about it. Most of the time they don't want to know. Our ancestors and ancient ancestors had a much clearer view of death.

someon · 06/12/2023 05:29

Please don't worry. It's ok to die we all will.
Death can actually be peaceful everyone I've seen die there is a real sense of peace and it felt right for them in their time and place in there life I certainly don't feel afraid of passing now because I've seen the peace it gives that person and thats a comfort it's us who is left behind that feels bad
Ive had quite a bit of death around me through family Cancer a partner of a very bad stroke and friends and animals from my 20s now I'm in my late 50s and of course it questions your own mortality thats natural but you do have to live for today and live your best life now it's so precious's

FatFatMary · 06/12/2023 05:55

I think about it a lot as well the last few years. Maybe you should try to have an out of body experience

Original poster
nameychangio675 · 06/12/2023 06:26

decionsdecisions62 · 06/12/2023 05:05

I started to listen to accounts about near death experiences. My own dad had one too. Altogether it's changed my outlook. Not in a religious way. I will never be a religious person. I just am more comforted. In this century we have relied on scientific principles to tell us about death. They actually know nothing about it. Most of the time they don't want to know. Our ancestors and ancient ancestors had a much clearer view of death.

@decionsdecisions62 might try this thank you

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Timspam · 06/12/2023 07:13

Without wanting to sound negative, sometimes the thought of my death brings me a feeling of peace, or put it this way, would I choose to live forever, no chance. One day there will be no problems, money worries, illness, anxiety it will all be over.

CantCatchaBreak · 06/12/2023 07:27

I developed huge health anxiety and a fear of my own death and the death of my nearest and dearest after a few people around my age died of cancer (I was 19 at the time). I had talking therapy and took sertraline which helped massively. I've had 1 relapse in my mental health since and, again, a combination of therapy and medication helped a lot. Ultimately, it's about distraction. No-one escapes death, the key is not to dwell on it. Breathing techniques help to keep you grounded and in the present when you're panicking.

I will also be 40 next year and have 2 pre-school aged DC. I've started attending regular fitness classes and cleaned up my diet (to an extent). I want to feel that I'm taking control of my health, as much as I can control it. That's all we can do x

Original poster
nameychangio675 · 06/12/2023 07:35

@CantCatchaBreak thank you. It really is that fear of leaving my children and not seeing them again I think that’s triggering it

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CantCatchaBreak · 06/12/2023 07:47

nameychangio675 · 06/12/2023 07:35

@CantCatchaBreak thank you. It really is that fear of leaving my children and not seeing them again I think that’s triggering it

I completely understand, it's a terrifying thought. You're heart breaks at the thought of their loss as well as your own. The horrible thing is, your worries aren't irrational so they can't really be "fixed". It's a case of learning how to live with them. Acknowledge your fears when the thoughts arise but have coping mechanisms in place to help distract you. Some people use exercise, mindfulness, meditation, etc. It's trial and error but find what works for you. It always helps to have something to look forward to as well as keep your mind focussed and happy x

ThreeRingCircus · 06/12/2023 07:53

I totally get it, we've had quite a few deaths in our family over the past three years (all people in their 50s and 60s so well before their time).

It's a sobering thought that not everyone makes it to a ripe old age and we don't know what the future holds. I too worry about my DDs if I were to die young and the effect it would have on their lives.... I want to see them reach adulthood.

I suppose you have to focus on the present rather than dwelling on things that haven't yet happened and count your blessings. Clichéd but true. Like a PP I have also had comfort from hearing people's near death experiences and how it was very peaceful for them, there was no more fear.

MidnightMeltdown · 06/12/2023 10:52

Timspam · 06/12/2023 07:13

Without wanting to sound negative, sometimes the thought of my death brings me a feeling of peace, or put it this way, would I choose to live forever, no chance. One day there will be no problems, money worries, illness, anxiety it will all be over.

This. I'm not ready to die yet, but I don't fear it. I think that the idea of living forever is horrible and it's comforting to know that one day it all just stops.

Some people die before their time, but the majority don't, and between 20-30% of women born in the 1970s and 80s will see their 100th birthday.

Once you get to old age, I think that most people are ready to go when the time comes.

FatFatMary · 06/12/2023 10:56

It could be really good to get another chance in a brand new body as well

HangingStars · 06/12/2023 10:58

I feel like this. I’ve not lost anyone other than grandparents, but I’ve hit 40 and am just so aware of my own mortality. I’ve had some fairly minor health issues start to appear, and every time I start thinking what if this is it? And every time my husband or one of my kids are ill I escalate it in my mind to think what if it’s something really awful, what if they don’t get better. I’m terrified of the idea that death is just nothingness for ever, I feel panic even writing that.
I am however also wondering if my increased anxiety might be hormonal and related to peri-menopause!

lauramum85 · 06/12/2023 11:02

I was exactly the same once I turned 40. I think of it all the time and I'm now 43. It's mainly because I have young children and it frightens me if I die while they are still young. Probably because I lost both parents at a young age.

Missingmyusername · 06/12/2023 11:06

I think it’s quite normal- to a degree. Not if it’s bordering obsession.

MidnightMeltdown · 06/12/2023 11:13

Its worth remembering that if you've reached 40, then you've got around a 95% chance of making 60, and almost 70% chance of making 80.

It may seem like lots of people die prematurely but the statistics don't support that

Many of the deaths in this bracket will be attributable to suicide, drug habits, unhealthy lifestyle etc. The proportion of healthy people dying in their 40s, 50s and 60s will be pretty small.

ssd · 06/12/2023 11:15

I've had health anxiety ever since my mum died and I've realised how awful it is to loose your mum. The thought that my dcs will go through that when i die absolutely kills me. So i keep trying to live as long as possible in the hope they'll be grown up and busy and my dying won't be as bad for them as it was for me when mum died.

YogaLite · 06/12/2023 11:44

I find now I started drafting a will and been thinking about tidying up my affairs and possessions, i feel more calm about dying.

And the fact that no one escapes it.

ssd · 06/12/2023 11:45

Ive done all that too

Original poster
nameychangio675 · 06/12/2023 21:02

@MidnightMeltdown wow what a stat!! My grandad is currently 96 so hopefully I inherit his genes. All of these comments are really helping.

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Dacadactyl · 06/12/2023 21:04

I am religious and not afraid of death at all.

When people die I think of them as "being called home because their purpose on Earth is over".