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Original poster

Grief Thief!

66 replies

UpUpUpU · 03/12/2023 09:43

I never thought this was a thing until now!

My mum sadly died on Friday. She was very poorly so was half expected by me, but for other family members, it has come as a shock.

As the word has gotten out I have had lots of lovely messages from family and friends etc, which have been comforting.

However, there was a post on FB that my sister was tagged in. I have no idea who the author is but they’d attached 2 very old and very blurry photos (like zoomed in on my mum in the background of a an actual printed photo) with a gushing post about being heartbroken, will never be the same again without seeing my mum, can’t stop crying and shaking (must be a MN user!) etc. All very dramatic and not a mention of my sister, who was tagged, to ask if she was ok.

I asked my sister who it was and it was someone who worked with my mum, very briefly, around 18 years ago when mum lived abroad. She was back in the UK for 15 years before she died and apparently had no contact with this woman since she returned. My sister lived abroad with my mum so vaguely knew this woman too (hence FB friends) but never spoke to her.

Why do people do this? It is such an odd thing to do?!

OP posts:
LeggyLegsEleven · 03/12/2023 10:00

Sorry for your loss.

Basically it’s attention. BIL was horrible to my MIL, especially when she was dying and was just waiting for her to die. Now he posts a picture of her on Facebook on her birthday and writes some sentimental post about her. Gets him lots of attention though.

CruCru · 03/12/2023 10:07

I’m really sorry to hear about your Mum.

Yes, it’s attention. People who do this absolutely love all the attention they get from others. They have probably never been told how tacky it is to perform grief.

Overthebow · 03/12/2023 10:09

Definitely attention seeking, and insensitive too.

SwedeCaroline · 03/12/2023 10:11

maybe attention, but in some cultures a big show of emotional grief is polite and expected?

Original poster
UpUpUpU · 03/12/2023 10:14

It is just so odd.

She also tried to add me as a friend so I blocked her.

Suggested to my sister she remover her from FB or at least untag herself so other family members, who are actually grieving, don't see it. The mind boggles.

And thank you for the condolences x

OP posts:
Roseyleaf · 03/12/2023 10:14

Sorry for your loss 💐.

One of my cousins announced my mum's death on FB before I knew about it, saying how heartbroken she was, loved her auntie blahblah. So that was how I found out.

I've not spoken to her since.

Fraaahnces · 03/12/2023 10:15

I’m sorry for your loss. Some people are triggered and reminded of their own mortality. Others are just attention-seeking drama llamas. I would just assume that it was the latter and let it go. I had a very dysfunctional relationship with my mother and received messages out of the woodwork from randoms projecting how they thought I should feel when she died. Obviously they had no idea of the reality of the situation, but as I didn’t know them at all, it felt like grief vampires too.
I hope you had a more positive relationship with your mum and can carry that with you into your future.

Rogue1001MNer · 03/12/2023 10:17

Sorry for your loss 🥀

Doggymummar · 03/12/2023 10:18

So sorry for your loss. A woman who was dating DP older brother briefly when he died every year posts a massive post on FB about how she misses him and life will never be the same, the family just roll their eyes. It's been ten years and none of them have seen her since. She was a nightmare and they were always fighting

Original poster
UpUpUpU · 03/12/2023 10:20

Roseyleaf · 03/12/2023 10:14

Sorry for your loss 💐.

One of my cousins announced my mum's death on FB before I knew about it, saying how heartbroken she was, loved her auntie blahblah. So that was how I found out.

I've not spoken to her since.

That is awful! I am so sorry to hear that. Some people are just so insensitive! I hope you are OK X

OP posts:
foulksmills · 03/12/2023 10:20

@Roseyleaf oh I'm so sorry, that's absolutely awful 💐

Cumberbiatch · 03/12/2023 10:21

Roseyleaf · 03/12/2023 10:14

Sorry for your loss 💐.

One of my cousins announced my mum's death on FB before I knew about it, saying how heartbroken she was, loved her auntie blahblah. So that was how I found out.

I've not spoken to her since.

This is so so horrible. I'd find that really difficult to get over. I'm so sorry.

Universalsnail · 03/12/2023 10:22

I think some people struggle with other people dying. Like the concept that someone they know has died hits a nerve to them and they struggle. It reminds them of their own mortality and it feels scary and they don't know what to do with those feelings.

I can see why it comes across as insensitive to those close to the person who has died though.

Original poster
UpUpUpU · 03/12/2023 10:23

Fraaahnces · 03/12/2023 10:15

I’m sorry for your loss. Some people are triggered and reminded of their own mortality. Others are just attention-seeking drama llamas. I would just assume that it was the latter and let it go. I had a very dysfunctional relationship with my mother and received messages out of the woodwork from randoms projecting how they thought I should feel when she died. Obviously they had no idea of the reality of the situation, but as I didn’t know them at all, it felt like grief vampires too.
I hope you had a more positive relationship with your mum and can carry that with you into your future.

We had a very positive relationship, yes. A close family which included my dad and stepdad becoming best friends. So to some, we were a bit odd, but for me it was great. Never had to worry about offending my dad or stepdad as they were always together. People used to joke they were a thruple

OP posts:
ToBeOrNotToBee · 03/12/2023 10:26

Oh god I know exactly what you mean.

My mum passed when I was 10, it was very traumatic and the fallout from her death still continues to this day. For my siblings and I losing mum was the biggest thing to ever happen in our lives.

I also have an aunt, only 4 years older than me, so she was a teen when my mum died, and from my dads side (ie not blood related to mum at all, they werent close and only saw each other at birthdays). Every single year a tribute post to my mum goes up, sobbing about how much she misses my mum, how loved she was, how every year it gets harder and harder, how she's thinking of her nieces and nephews at this difficult time blah blah blah. And then come the comments from strangers who never knew mum, and most certainly don't know my siblings and I, giving sympathy for the loss blah blah blah.

It just makes me sick. I'm a very private person, my life isn't on social media and I certainly don't want the world sobbing along for what remains to be the most painful and life shaping experience to date.

I've removed aunt from my socials but my siblings still have her because they're tagged I still have to see these posts 🤮

Original poster
UpUpUpU · 03/12/2023 10:26

Universalsnail · 03/12/2023 10:22

I think some people struggle with other people dying. Like the concept that someone they know has died hits a nerve to them and they struggle. It reminds them of their own mortality and it feels scary and they don't know what to do with those feelings.

I can see why it comes across as insensitive to those close to the person who has died though.

I understand this mentality and If somebody must post something, then it's easy to just write that an old friend has died and how sad that it. Claiming your life will never be the same and being heartbroken is a bit OTT in my opinion.
Plus, if she had known my mum at all, she would have hated it! She was very anti social media and I remember her giving my sister what for when she posted a picture of her on FB with her kids. She was literally fuming!

OP posts:
Starlightdarkness · 03/12/2023 10:29

We also had someone announce FILs death on FB before we were aware, we were in a remote country and couldn't be immediately contacted.
I don't think I could stop myself from commenting saying thanks for your condolences but who are you?

Witchbitch20 · 03/12/2023 10:30

Sorry for your loss.

Facebook competitive grieving. It seems to be a thing.

Kirstyshine · 03/12/2023 10:31

I've removed aunt from my socials but my siblings still have her because they're tagged I still have to see these posts 🤮

@ToBeOrNotToBee if you actually block her would that work?

WildflowersInAMasonJar · 03/12/2023 10:35

I’m very sorry to hear about your mum.

I think you see the very best and worst in humans when you’re going through grief.

We had the same thing happen to us. They even got the persons full name wrong on their Facebook post, such was the rush to post it before anyone else. Awful people.

Try to put it out of your mind OP, Take comfort, if you can, from the people around you who really knew and cared about your mum.

willyconker · 03/12/2023 10:36

So sorry for your loss. I hope you're being kind to yourself.
My best friend is a bit like this. If something horrific happens she makes it about herself. Goes to funerals of people she hardly knew etc. so very strange.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 03/12/2023 10:43

I had this when dh died. There’s a lot of drama llamas out there.

Mariposista · 03/12/2023 10:48

I find this disgusting attention seeking behavior.
So sorry for your loss OP. I lost my beloved gran in April and NOTHING has gone online. It’s chavvy and insensitive. Grieve privately with family and friends - or alone!

LittleMy77 · 03/12/2023 10:49

So sorry for your loss.

We had this when my uncle died. One of his friends / acquaintances posted on FB before my cousin had chance to tell the close family, so bloody insensitive and tone deaf. I’ve seen the same recently with a friend of mine who’s relative died.

both of these inappropriate posts are from older people - it’s no excuse but I think common sense disappears and they feel they have to get in there first.

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 03/12/2023 10:52

Really sorry for your loss, first of all. I’m sorry, because I don’t know you, I can’t find more words.

I’ve never had this experience with distant friends, but I get it all the time particularly with my mother and pets. I will spend day after day looking after them, forging a bond, etc and then one day when I’ve been away for a while (in multiple cases in the working week) I’ve come back and found they’ve been shot. There then follows years of performative grief from my mother. Actual years. She also likes to cut off an keep their tails in her cabinets in my room (why the cabinets are still in my room is another story), but it’s a bit eerie to open a drawer and find a dead horse’s tail - we aren’t Victorians!
I think it’s an attention-seeking/victim/martyr complex thing. They get lots of sympathy and attention and anything bad they might have done has a bigger chance of being forgiven. You can be affected by deaths in other ways - I had two friends seriously affected by a suicide earlier this year and was really worried about them, their health, how I could help etc but I didn’t know the person so apart from it generally being sad that a light had gone out, that didn’t affect me.

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