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Original poster

Grief Thief!

66 replies

UpUpUpU · 03/12/2023 09:43

I never thought this was a thing until now!

My mum sadly died on Friday. She was very poorly so was half expected by me, but for other family members, it has come as a shock.

As the word has gotten out I have had lots of lovely messages from family and friends etc, which have been comforting.

However, there was a post on FB that my sister was tagged in. I have no idea who the author is but they’d attached 2 very old and very blurry photos (like zoomed in on my mum in the background of a an actual printed photo) with a gushing post about being heartbroken, will never be the same again without seeing my mum, can’t stop crying and shaking (must be a MN user!) etc. All very dramatic and not a mention of my sister, who was tagged, to ask if she was ok.

I asked my sister who it was and it was someone who worked with my mum, very briefly, around 18 years ago when mum lived abroad. She was back in the UK for 15 years before she died and apparently had no contact with this woman since she returned. My sister lived abroad with my mum so vaguely knew this woman too (hence FB friends) but never spoke to her.

Why do people do this? It is such an odd thing to do?!

OP posts:
Latenightreader · 03/12/2023 10:57

So sorry for your loss, and for the grief vampires.

I looked up my cousin on twitter once. He had a few things about our grandfather 'Miss this legend' and the like. Should have bothered to visit him during the last 20 years of his life, shouldn't he? I lived 200 miles away and saw Grandad regularly whilst my cousins who were less the 8 miles away maybe went once a year, if that, and two didn't invite him to their weddings. They made a big thing on social media though. There's a reason we are not in touch.

Bales23 · 03/12/2023 11:13

I'm sorry for your loss.

Unknown to you and your sister, your mum and this lady might have had a good friendship over the years that makes her grieve now. Also, I would feel nothing but warmth amd comfort from anyone grieving my mother rather than analysing their grief. It's not a competition.

Nanny0gg · 03/12/2023 11:25

Bales23 · 03/12/2023 11:13

I'm sorry for your loss.

Unknown to you and your sister, your mum and this lady might have had a good friendship over the years that makes her grieve now. Also, I would feel nothing but warmth amd comfort from anyone grieving my mother rather than analysing their grief. It's not a competition.

But these people make it a competition. That's the point

WildflowersInAMasonJar · 03/12/2023 11:37

Unknown to you and your sister, your mum and this lady might have had a good friendship over the years that makes her grieve now. Also, I would feel nothing but warmth amd comfort from anyone grieving my mother rather than analysing their grief. It's not a competition.

For goodness sake. It’s not appropriate. If you can’t see that, you need to listen to what others are saying and learn because it causes a lot of extra upset for those who are actually in the persons life.

Poor OP has lost her mum. A woman who was a work colleague of OPs mum for a brief time, but hadn’t seen her for 15 years, needs to step back, not post on Facebook making it all about her. This really shouldn’t need explaining.

MikeRafone · 03/12/2023 11:57

Condolences to you and your family

Id post under - who are you?

VimtoVimto · 03/12/2023 12:21

I had a work colleague who had an aunt she never saw and wouldn’t give her the time of day. She died a couple of years ago and anyone would think that they had been inseparable.

TheFormidableMrsC · 03/12/2023 12:43

I hate people like this. A day after my mum died, I took a phone call from somebody she rarely socialised with but did some business with on occasion. She was wailing and sobbing. It was so weird. She'd not once seen my mum when she was ill. She didn't once ask how we were, just shouted at me that how was I "expecting her to cope with this loss", like it was somehow my fault. I must have spent an hour comforting her when actually I should have just told her to fuck off and put the phone down. Never heard from her again and she didn't come to the funeral. Utterly bizarre.

TheFormidableMrsC · 03/12/2023 12:45

To add, I'm very sorry for your loss and that you're having to deal with this Flowers

FloofCloud · 03/12/2023 12:49

Roseyleaf · 03/12/2023 10:14

Sorry for your loss 💐.

One of my cousins announced my mum's death on FB before I knew about it, saying how heartbroken she was, loved her auntie blahblah. So that was how I found out.

I've not spoken to her since.

That's awful - my cousin sent me an email saying much the same thing when y mum died (she lived in the same country as my mum) ... it was a 'just in case you haven't heard your mum died a few
Minutes ago... I don't know, but thankfully my brother called me
Before I saw the email ... some people are just dreadful!
Sorry to OP and all others who have also lost their mums 🥺

CharmedCult · 03/12/2023 13:06

I’m sorry for your loss.

I have a cousin who does this, anyone who dies that she has even the most tenuous link with, gets a Facebook post.

She’s the self appointed family harbinger of doom, my heart sinks when I get a message from her because it’s always bad news, it’s like once she’s heard about e.g. a family member having cancer, she cannot wait to pass it on, she has to be the person telling everyone.

She’s also fond of posting “heaven has gained another angel” posts and when 24 people comment “oh no Hun, who?” she does the whole “I’ll DM you Hun, don’t think all the family know yet”.

She is a nearly 70 year old woman.

twobluechickens · 03/12/2023 13:25

I'm very sorry for your loss, OP.

she cannot wait to pass it on, she has to be the person telling everyone.

This is exactly it. I know a few people like this, and it's pure attention seeking. They don't really care about the person who's died.

thedementedelf · 03/12/2023 13:27

It's attention seeking, these types always creep out the woodworks at funerals and weddings.

thedementedelf · 03/12/2023 13:28

Also to add I'm very sorry for the loss of your mum op Flowers

AyrshireTryer · 03/12/2023 13:35

OP sorry for your loss.

I had a similar experience when my mother died, she had been ill (dementia) for a long time and a number of people suddenly sprung from the realms of Facebook, when she died, to say how devastated they were, but had not been to see her in many years.
I find these keyboard warriors (not my first choice of word) do it to make themselves look like better people; rather like the people on TikTok who video themselves giving homeless people food etc.
She is not important, block her and spend time with your grief.

TreesAtSea · 03/12/2023 13:42

I used to work with someone like this. She was incredibly unkind to me when I underwent a series of family bereavements in quick succession, whilst at the same time being obsessed with finding out every detail of what was happening and telling anyone she could about it all. A despicable vulture, who did immense harm.

Ratfinkstinkypink · 03/12/2023 14:14

It's bloody awful isn't it. A family member announced my DH's death on Facebook before I had chance to call everyone who I wanted to tell in person.

Sorry to hear about your mum 🌹

RichTea63 · 03/12/2023 14:26

I'm so sorry for your loss. My MIL is just like this. She almost seems to take pleasure in it...it's perverse and self delusional. I don't think she has much going on in her life, so it's a way to make herself feel important. We call her the 'grief jacker'....

ConspiracyFeary · 03/12/2023 14:26

People are, in the main, attention seeking arseholes. You only have to look on here at the rush people are in to share bad news about celebrities and get seen as the first one to care to see it

All big news disseminated round my family always comes with the caveat of "do not post on social media until the person whose news it is shares it" we all happily abide by it.

Mammyloveswine · 03/12/2023 14:27

The worst I found was nebby people constantly asking me "what happened/how did she die?". We had already said she died l suddenly and unexpectedly at home. We didn't fucking KNOW the cause of death for 4 months as she had to have a post mortem! I had so many messages from people I never spoke to just outright asking how my mam died it made me furious!!!!

Sharontheodopolodous · 03/12/2023 17:34

My dps ex wife

Context-she is a foul human being-i wouldn't normally say this about another woman but she's spiteful,nasty,selfish and I'd say has narcissistic traits

When they broke up she caused so much trouble-from the nasty phone calls,endless ringing the police over nothing,stalking him/us,spreading rumours and making up lies-nothing was too low for her-im still amazed how low she sank

Anyway,I met dps family and got on really well with them-we adore each other

8 years after they broke up (and dp and I had been together 6 years) darling fil got ill-it was cancer and he wasn't going to get better

We where up and down the m25 going to see him and finally got to say goodbye to him (just after the first lockdown)

Oh god,ex wife was all over it-if you believed her,you'd have thought fil was her bestie

Plastered all over sm was 'heaven has gained an angle' (her spelling) and droning on about how much she would miss him

Then the phone calls started-she wanted to come to the funeral,wanted to sit at the front in the car,wanted front row seating,her flowers would be the biggest,she wanted the best seat at his wake-etc

Fuck the fact that fil hated her-and she hated him,mil didn't want her there (and mil is the nicest lady in the world),we didn't want her there and we where fucked if we where giving her a front row seat to watch it all-8 years worth of shit she slung at my in-laws and she seemed to 'forget' about it all at this point

All over sm was 'fly high with the angles fil,I loved u so much,they stopped me from cuming to giv u the best send of-i carrie u in my hart foreva' (we are firmly blocked by her,which is for the best,but I was shown by someone I know)

Utter bollocks-fucking grief vulture

He would have haunted us if we'd allowed her there!

jaysay · 15/01/2024 18:44

Oh man, I came searching for somewhere to rant about exactly this issue so pleased to find this fairly recent post.

I have a friend who's been a massive grief thief following the death of my brother. She's a friend I've known since I went to uni and she became friends with my brother when they both lived in the same city. He was a difficult person with complex drug and mental health issues so she eventually distanced herself from him and they hadn't seen or spoken to each other for 8 years before he died.

But oh my God, it was like it was her brother who died. I literally had to comfort her in the wake of the death. After the funeral she spent ages telling me how traumatising the day had been for her. It's just been the anniversary and she messaged to say sorry she hadn't been in touch but she was too sad!

And yes, I am fading out this friend.

jötunnn · 15/01/2024 19:47

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

jötunnn · 15/01/2024 19:51

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

ShortColdandGrey · 15/01/2024 20:05

I have a cousin who is a grief vampire. She turns up once the family member has died acting as if they were so close to them. We never see them at the hospital or at their home while we have been doing shifts to care for them/keep them company. It does my head in, and I nearly told her to piss off when she turned up at the hospital after my gran had died trying to get sympathy from everyone who looked in her direction. She had never turned up to visit her once when she was alive.

LakeTiticaca · 15/01/2024 20:17

I worked as a home carer for a few years and sometimes some of us would attend the funerals of clients who we became fond of, to pay our respects.
One lady passed away so a few us attended the church service, including one carer who had only been with the company a matter of weeks. All through the service, including the prayers, she wailed like a banshee, as if she was mourning a close family member. She barely knew her!! It was a horribly embarrassing spectacle and a couple of our staff members kept nudging her and hissing in her ear for her to cut it out but she carried on regardless. I felt so sorry her family who were so dignified in their grief