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Original poster

Gentle reminder, The Nicest possible way, Said with Kindness

32 replies

friendlyflicka · 02/12/2023 17:22

Always seem to preface a harsh observation. I have noticed variations on this introduction all over the site. And even though they are not intended for me, I feel scared on behalf of the recipient. Is that the intention or do some people use these phrases with love?

OP posts:
SwishSwashSwooshSwersh · 02/12/2023 17:24

Sometimes it is meant kindly. Other times not

user701 · 02/12/2023 17:25

Well of course it precedes a not so nice remark. It basically means “I’m not saying this just to be a bitch, I’m trying to be helpful but I know you won’t like what I’m about to say”

arethereanyleftatall · 02/12/2023 17:26

Ah. Whenever I write this I DO mean it kindly. It is when the poster absolutely needs to be told the truth which they can't see to help them. Often about love when they're blind to massive red flags. I think people are using this in good faith when they can't find the right words. Least I am.

MadamVastra · 02/12/2023 17:27

These are said to me at work to get me to do some boring training or other which I've been ignoring 😂

HarlanPepper · 02/12/2023 17:29

The second two are practically mumsnet copyright phrases and they do my nut in. Classic weasel words, and they make everything that comes after them sound unbearably snide.

HarlanPepper · 02/12/2023 17:31

arethereanyleftatall · 02/12/2023 17:26

Ah. Whenever I write this I DO mean it kindly. It is when the poster absolutely needs to be told the truth which they can't see to help them. Often about love when they're blind to massive red flags. I think people are using this in good faith when they can't find the right words. Least I am.

'the poster absolutely needs to be told the truth' - pretty lofty appraisal of your own opinions there

AlltheFs · 02/12/2023 17:34

I do mean it genuinely when I type it. In written words it is necessary to try and show that you aren’t being nasty but you do need to say something they won’t like.

I don’t usually use it when speaking to someone as you can use tone and body language to convey what you mean.

MsMcGonagall · 02/12/2023 17:35

I hate these phrases. I had a colleague who would use them. I always annoyed me. "A gentle reminder" - just remind me, plain and simple. If you make it gentle I will wonder why you are pussy-footing around and its like a sort of virtue signalling. "I reminded them, but I did it gently". No you did it with a small spike of irritatingness.

Ahhhh I didn't realise how much it annoyed me!

If you Really want to be gentle or kind etc, then show it in the rest of the way you phrase what you're asking. Or how. Show not tell, as they say about good writing...

Sparkletastic · 02/12/2023 17:36

It's pure passive aggression.

gotomomo · 02/12/2023 17:38

It's usually meant with kindness, I'd use it as a polite way to say you need to get a grip, or stop being worried about nothing. Those of us who have been there can tell you that it will be ok, or you are not doing you/others any favours pursuing that course of action -eg the person worrying about their disabled adult children, but getting cross with anyone who suggested they should look at transitioning to independent living, I did mean with kindness my advice because I've been there

WhateverMate · 02/12/2023 17:40

It sounds way better than the patronising "Oh sweetheart", or "Oh my love" which I'm sure is also said with good intentions.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 02/12/2023 17:51

It's passive aggressive and I'm noticing it at work, haven't noticed here on the site so much.

WhoPutCrabsticksInMyBedroom · 02/12/2023 17:56

In person then it is PA, but on a forum I don't see it as such.

I do use it when I think (and ultimately we all think what we are saying is right, doesn't mean it is) that what I am saying may not been taken kindly but I'm not saying it to just be a batch but because I think what I'm saying might help.

EarthlyNightshade · 02/12/2023 18:01

"Politely" really annoys me.

Politely, it sounds like you really hate your friend and need counselling for your vile behaviour.

If you actually mean something politely, you should try to use polite words for the whole sentence.

StockpotSoup · 02/12/2023 18:15

I got a “Sorry, this is a bit mean, but…” on a thread the other day. Well she clearly wasn’t sorry, as otherwise she wouldn’t have posted something she knew was mean! I felt like giving her both barrels, but the thread seemed to be in its dying days and I decided it was better to let it die so I didn’t have to read more of her moronic shite.

Draoicht · 02/12/2023 18:29

If I say it on here, I mean, ‘Look, you’re not going to like what I’m about to say, but I think you should consider whether it might not be true nevertheless.’

Original poster
friendlyflicka · 02/12/2023 18:32

If someone was on here disagreeing with my point of view, I would rather they just came out with it, with perhaps a bit of humour or self deprecation - if they wanted to display good intentions. Those preludes I have mentioned, just strike fear into me

OP posts:
DreamingInPhosphorescence · 02/12/2023 18:35

Passive aggressive. Anyone sending me work email messages prefaced with this goes straight to the back of the queue.

noooooooo · 02/12/2023 18:47

WhateverMate · 02/12/2023 17:40

It sounds way better than the patronising "Oh sweetheart", or "Oh my love" which I'm sure is also said with good intentions.

I quite like oh my love, I like a nice term of endearment, makes me think of some Ma Larkin type shaking her head in sorrow at the OP’s plight 😂

However, for a lot of the comments on MN saying ‘kindly meant,’ is v. like sticking a johnny on a hand-grenade.

WhateverMate · 02/12/2023 19:03

noooooooo · 02/12/2023 18:47

I quite like oh my love, I like a nice term of endearment, makes me think of some Ma Larkin type shaking her head in sorrow at the OP’s plight 😂

However, for a lot of the comments on MN saying ‘kindly meant,’ is v. like sticking a johnny on a hand-grenade.

Edited
Show quote history

I absolutely hate it on the internet but would totally see the Ma Larkin in real life 🤣

savoycabbage · 02/12/2023 19:33

I can't get to grips with 'I'm afraid'. It makes me feel like the poster is my boss or someone who has the final decision on whatever is being discussed.

"I don't like that sofa I'm afraid."

LeRougeEtLeNoir · 02/12/2023 19:36

WhoPutCrabsticksInMyBedroom · 02/12/2023 17:56

In person then it is PA, but on a forum I don't see it as such.

I do use it when I think (and ultimately we all think what we are saying is right, doesn't mean it is) that what I am saying may not been taken kindly but I'm not saying it to just be a batch but because I think what I'm saying might help.

That’s me too!!

Not sure what else I could say instead?

saraclara · 02/12/2023 19:37

WhateverMate · 02/12/2023 17:40

It sounds way better than the patronising "Oh sweetheart", or "Oh my love" which I'm sure is also said with good intentions.

Thank goodness I'm not the only one who cringes at that!

15PiecesOfFlair · 02/12/2023 19:44

If you Really want to be gentle or kind etc, then show it in the rest of the way you phrase what you're asking. Or how. Show not tell, as they say about good writing...

I think people simply aren't that good at written communication. People interpret things on here in (what seems to me! ) a wide range of different reactions. For example, trying to write quickly or succinctly can come off as snippy, so I think the preface is a shortcut in trying to get the point across in how it's intended.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/12/2023 19:48

15PiecesOfFlair · 02/12/2023 19:44

If you Really want to be gentle or kind etc, then show it in the rest of the way you phrase what you're asking. Or how. Show not tell, as they say about good writing...

I think people simply aren't that good at written communication. People interpret things on here in (what seems to me! ) a wide range of different reactions. For example, trying to write quickly or succinctly can come off as snippy, so I think the preface is a shortcut in trying to get the point across in how it's intended.

Exactly this. When I write 'meant kindly' I mean exactly that. It's meant kindly. But if I'm not articulate enough to get the exact phrasing right, I want the poster to know it's meant kindly. Which it will have been. Which would be why I wrote that. I have never used it as a passive aggressive thing.