I don't like the way my Dad tries to shame my 4 year old

[andjustlikethisorthat]

For some background.. my dad was very moody and a distant dad when we were younger, I've grown up with low self esteem & insecurity issues, had many issues as a child and growing up and even tho I know they are only human, I do feel the way I was treated and spoken to as a child didn't help with this.

I try and do my best with my 4 year old and try and be as aware as I can how words and certain things can be quite damaging and it's a big trigger for me when I hear my dad say things like 'oh god you sound like a girl' or don't do that it's babyish, boys shouldn't do that etc etc,

He doesnt visit often but when he does it's like he can't cope with a child being noisy having fun (not shouting just excited) which I totally get that not everyone has to enjoy the sound of excited children. However what I can't bare is my dad saying these phrases to try and shame my child.

My parents are coming for Christmas and I'm worrying that he won't cope with how excited ds is, I don't want to feel on edge but my dad makes me feel like this.

Now the problem is that if I speak to my dad about it he will either take the hump and won't understand how I dare to confront him so he will decide that he won't see us for however many weeks /months or he will just ruin Christmas by being even more miserable.

How would you approach this?

Now the problem is that if I speak to my dad about it he will either take the hump and won't understand how I dare to confront him so he will decide that he won't see us

So you’re going to put your dad’s feelings ahead of your DC’s?

Or will you advocate for your DC and say sorry dad that’s not acceptable? And suffer the consequences, whatever they may be.

By not having him over on Christmas Day.
Why are you letting this man spoil your dc's Christmas?
Both you and your dc should be able to to have a relaxing Christmas Day, invite your grumpy dad for Boxing Day.
If you absolutely must have him for Christmas set out the ground rules clearly now, hopefully he will take offense early and cancel coming himself.

Two approaches. One, have the visit but challenge your Dad each and every time that he says something sexist, misogynist, inappropriate etc to your child. Remove your child from his presence if it continues, and eventually cancel the visit if he doesn't stop. You will need to be prepared to speak out and not be thrown by any kind of poor response from your Dad. Even if he threatens to leave, you will need to hold the line.

Second, cancel the visit now, or very much reduce it to a short interaction rather than staying for days/whole day. If you do have a short visit, apply the approach above to any contact time.

No definitely don't advocate his feelings over ds. I hate the fact he still triggers me and I'm in my 40s. I corrected him when he said it to ds at the weekend twice.

I want to set ground rules but in the right way and not sure how to do that

Uninvite him.

To be honest I'd prefer him not to come but then it's just me, DH & ds for Christmas and my mum would miss out

are you seeing him between now and Christmas? Do what you did at the weekend but add, every time, "look, if it's going to be like this now, imagine what you'll be like at Christmas. You need to consider not coming as you'll ruin it for DC"

And if he dithers, just uninvite him. How much worse can it get?

So he tells your son off for "acting like a girl" then tells him off for "acting like a boy"?

He might be better off spending Christmas on his own, the miserable sod.

Lay out your ground rules in advance, if he doesn't agree to them, he doesn't get to come. If he stops talking to you for a while, result!

tell him you're mum is welcome but he isn't?

It doesn't sound like you CAN set boundaries. You were trained by him to accept his shit, walk on eggshells and not challenge him. The likelihood is you need some serious counselling to unpick it and get your power back.

In the meantime can your partner help. My FIL is controlling and says awful things. But he doesn't do it in my house because I control my house. I told DH that if he said things like he says to the cousins, he would be permanently banned. I've only had to pull him up on it a couple of times.

I'm prepared to challenge him each and everytime, and I always do. I just wish he would stop it.
I feel like I need to have a conversation beforehand to ask if he's going to be ok with the noise and obvs ds will be excited and it clearly bothers him 🤷🏻‍♀️

He's never going to change if everyone is too afraid of the consequences to enforce boundaries. If your mum misses out, it's your dad's fault, and I'd be clear about that to her. Tell your dad that a condition of being invited to your Christmas day is to have no belittling/shaming/sexist comments, and to allow a small child to behave normally as a small child should. He gets one warning, and then he will be asked to leave. Just him, not your mum.

@MrsTerryPratchett Yes!!
This is the effing problem, I'm full of anxiety and feel every bloody emotion I did as a child hearing his shit words.

I hate to admit it but I still have some fear. I will always put ds first and speak up but god the shit I feel inside is torture.

Tell your Mum that she is welcome for Christmas Dinner but that you expect your Dad to arrive in the Christmas spirit, understanding that the mood will be festive and everyone will be loudly enjoying themselves.

Tell her that if he's going to be in a hump then he can stay home and you'll send her home with a Turkey sandwich for him.

I can't imagine that your mum enjoys his behaviour any more than you do.

Just like my poor SIL.

It's so hard. Is your mum completely under the thumb? Or could she help?

If you really want to host the miserable git for Christmas, pull him up every time and let him get the hump. You can’t keep letting him treat your child like this.

When my dad tried this sort of nonsense on my boys I’d repeat ‘we don’t subscribe to that sexist shit in this family’, and in front of him ‘DS, just ignore Grandad when he says that, he’s wrong when he says those silly things’, and if it happened a 3rd time then some variation of ‘darling why don’t you go and get your pink fairy wings and show grandad how much fun it is to be fairy’

Grandad doesn’t spout as much nonsense these days. But it was hard to stand up to it, OP, because I was brought up to be ‘seen and not heard’. I was also told that ‘under my roof you’ll follow my rules’ and, well, that applies now under my roof funny enough

My dad is the same, he is a lovely man in some wats, but let's just say kids stress him out. Also does the comments. I also get stressed when they come for Christmas, although luckily my mum is a an angel and the kids can do no wrong in her eyes, which is nice and balances it out. So i do this things, where i am upbeat and when he starts moaning about the kids or making comments, I say in a jokey way 'oh for God's sake dad, stop moaning' and I laugh it off. I used to get angry but that only hurt me. I also say ' they can be as loud as they want in their own house'. I just have learnt to laugh and almost ignore it. Sorry i know people will say be firmer but this works for me and keeps the atmosphere light, for my kids sake xx

Love some of these responses!

My mum has just put up and shut up since time began! He speaks to her like shit sometimes and she just takes it. It's weird and awful.

I have barely slept since he came over on Saturday because I was furious about his words. My ds was just excited to see him and he's a miserable grumpy arse.

Shaming is the worst and I won't allow it, I just wish he didn't say it in the first place. I want to look forward to Christmas not be full of anxiety about stupid comments he could make

My DF was a tyrant in our house. He started on my kid. I told him to stop, he swore at me and tried to browbeat me, some home truths were issued, I left the house- he didn’t speak to me for nearly two months. Literally ignored me on the street.

Prior to that I was always the one to make the peace. Childhood really did a number on me. But this time, somehow, I just didn’t. I wasn’t going to let it happen again.

Eventually he spoke to DH and said ‘he may have gone a bit far.’ No apology, per se, but that was a HUGE step forward.

To my considerable surprise he didn’t ever shout at my kid again.

Now, I do regret having a full set-to. Handled it in anger, and was most certainly triggered by hearing my little son getting it over absolutely nothing at all. That was my life and something snapped when I heard him roaring and my son weeping.

Unfortunately if your dad also wants to say damaging things and you don’t want to let him, something’s got to change.

Rather than getting into a fight, which did work, but might well not have, I’d have said it might have been worth me offering a calm, clear reassurance that while he was important as a dad and grandad, certain parenting techniques - in your case, mockery and shaming - had no room in my child’s life.

I went a big bit further and laid out all the damage he’d done to us. Probably needed said but I regret the manner and circumstances. Still, actions create reactions, better that than another generation of scared kids, and like I said, never happened again.

If your DF doesn’t like hearing your views regarding your upbringing of your kids in your house, well, he’s not nailed to the floor. What’s the worst that can happen?

@LondonLass91 Yes I relate, it hurts me and will ruin my day if I have to confront him. I'll just be in turmoil for the rest of the day.

Your mums feelings are none of your business. If she feels left out, she feels left out. You can’t control that.

Thats your dads fault, not yours.

Put yourself and your child first. Don’t ruin christmas for you both. You get one life, don’t let your dad control your happiness.

Your mum is a grown adult. If she can’t stand up to him and come without him, that’s on her, not you.

This.

If he wants to be a dictator he can fuck off and do it in his own home and cook his own Christmas dinner.

I would not put up with this at all.
If you have to him over I'd lay ground rules and go down the classic pare to g tactic of "If you do X, you will be going home". As soon as he does it ask him to leave.

Do not let him crush your son's joy and ruin family events.

I would do exactly as @ShinyBandana does. Everytime he makes a comment, say to ds "just ignore grandad, you carry on" - that should make your dad stop. You definitely need to nip it in the bud as words can be very damaging. The last thing you want is him growing up feeling insecure thanks to what your dad's put into his head