I don't like the way my Dad tries to shame my 4 year old

[andjustlikethisorthat]

For some background.. my dad was very moody and a distant dad when we were younger, I've grown up with low self esteem & insecurity issues, had many issues as a child and growing up and even tho I know they are only human, I do feel the way I was treated and spoken to as a child didn't help with this.

I try and do my best with my 4 year old and try and be as aware as I can how words and certain things can be quite damaging and it's a big trigger for me when I hear my dad say things like 'oh god you sound like a girl' or don't do that it's babyish, boys shouldn't do that etc etc,

He doesnt visit often but when he does it's like he can't cope with a child being noisy having fun (not shouting just excited) which I totally get that not everyone has to enjoy the sound of excited children. However what I can't bare is my dad saying these phrases to try and shame my child.

My parents are coming for Christmas and I'm worrying that he won't cope with how excited ds is, I don't want to feel on edge but my dad makes me feel like this.

Now the problem is that if I speak to my dad about it he will either take the hump and won't understand how I dare to confront him so he will decide that he won't see us for however many weeks /months or he will just ruin Christmas by being even more miserable.

How would you approach this?

Stop pandering to him. Tell him it'll be noisy and if he doesn't like it he can go out or go home.

I mean this kindly but this isn't about you. Or about how it makes you feel, or not wanting to speak up, or how you feel the rest of the day. It's about your DS. He's a child and he only gets a small number of childhood Christmases.

You either need to have Christmas without your dad and mum (don't feel sorry for her - she's complicit in his behaviour) and enjoy just being a family, or you need to speak to him ahead of time and say you're not comfortable with x, y and z comments he's made recently and you need him to commit to not saying anything like this at Christmas or to not coming if he can't control himself.

You are the grownup now - the mum. The only person who can speak up and advocate for your son. It's time for you to be that person for him.

There are no ground rules to be laid with people like that. I know the type, he sounds as if he is always right and doesn't really like children, so there will always be something 'wrong'.
You can have a lovely Christmas with your small family, with no upset and abuse. Or spend Christmas with your parents. You can always make it up to your DM later.
Similar dynamics in my family and I can tell you that looking back, instead of 'doing the right thing' every-single-time, I should have removed my DCs, DH and myself from this mess much, much earlier.

@kombuchakween 100% to all of what you said.

Have you seen the meme that goes round about dogs and its all "there's gonna be fur, I live here you don't" sort of rules?

The same absolute applies to kids. It's their home, their Christmas. Grandad can fit in or eff off.

Also my dad can never understand how anyone can disagree with him, he actually doesn't think his way is unacceptable!!

Can your DH step up and manage this a bit? He won't have the emotional baggage about it that you do.

Can you do a bit of talking to DS rather than confronting your dad? "Ah, Grandad doesn't realise we do it differently in our house", "Silly grandad, doesn't he know that girls and boys can like the same things?", "Oh no, grandad doesn't know that we love [babyish/whatever] thing here and we think it's fine for big boys!"

Keep in mind OP that your son is not you.

By that I mean he will not have the same feeling or reaction to your dads words.

You and your dh are his parents and his life is entirely different to yours.

You could try addressing your ds rather than your df? "Granpa ios silly isn't he ds?" said with a laugh?

Can you ask your mum to have words before Christmas? She has been either his enabler all these years or scared of him and allowed him to bully you your whole childhood: she needs to step up too (my dad enabled my mother’s shit behaviour, not the same behaviour, but equally ruined my and my sibling’s childhood). I’d warn her that any shit comments will be tackled and he can leave if he doesn’t like it, just so he knows in advance.

How would you approach this?

I'd tell him he'd probably be happier having Christmas elsewhere.

@EnoughIsay Yes I really like this idea! I'll definitely attempt this concept.

I know the words don't trigger ds or affect him like they do me and I know I'm highly sensitive to him

‘He’s not, he’s acting like a happy, confident four-year-old’ every single time.

I wonder if it might work to email your parents and say that you’re looking forward to them coming for Christmas, but you’ve noticed some of your dad’s behaviour starting to upset DS and also to upset you and your husband. So he’ll need to agree to avoid XYZ things. If he feels he can’t do that perhaps it would be better if you saw each other at some other point over Christmas rather than Christmas Day?

I know that probably feels really really hard but it gives him and your mum time to think about it, and if they do turn up it means he’s tacitly agreed to behave.

I think you have to realise you are an adult now,he cant hurt you with words anymore.You are not a helpless child anymore,take the power back.Your house,your rules.Do better as a parent than he did for you.Uninvite him and tell him why.Your child is your priority now.He sounds pathetic and I wouldnt let him spoil your sons Christmas.

Having read your posts I think you should let your little one make as much noise and be as excited as he wants to be. He only gets one Christmas of being four and for that reason, I think you'd be better off not having your dad there at Christmas. Maybe see them on another day over the festive season on your own terms.

Your dad had his chance and made you miserable.
He shouldn't be allowed to do that your DS.

I need to have a conversation beforehand to ask if he's going to be ok with the noise and obvs ds will be excited and it clearly bothers him

If he is OK with it? You are not OK with his behaviour towards your son! If it bothers him that much what's he doing there.

Also I don't think it helps the situation to make comments to your son along the lines of "Granddad is being silly." as suggested. Maybe in private but saying it in front of your dad to diffuse your dad's horrible remarks doesn't address the issue. It drags your DS into the argument which will make DS feel even more awkward and as if it is his fault.

Say it directly to your dad himself. "I've already said that I won't have you talking to DS like that. You need to stop."

Its quite tough to say that but you are dealing with a person who seems to have the skin of a rhinoceros and has got away with this behaviour for years because hints or gentle rebukes don't work with him. So you have to speak plainly and if he has a tantrum about it, that's on him.