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Original poster

Does your dh get ' used ' ?

40 replies

FrostyFlo · 25/11/2023 09:40

My dh is quite the master of most things.
Can fix cars and motorbikes , is an electrician can plumb , doesn't mind doing jobs up ladders such as clean out gutters , fix the odd roof tile etc.
But he is always called upon by many people to be their Mr Fixit.

He doesn't seem to mind but it annoys me.
Do you have a Mr Fixit and are happy that he's often around someone's house doing a job for free ?
Maybe that sounds like I think he should be paid, but it's not about money.

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 25/11/2023 09:46

If he doesn't mind why do you?

Phoenix1Arisen · 25/11/2023 09:54

If the people he helps are equally helpful to you if a small need arises, I'd have no problem with it.

If, however, you hardly know them, they wouldn't return the favour in some way and your husband is spending time on others that could more usefully and fairly be spent on his own family and home, I'd resent it.

Venomous · 25/11/2023 09:56

Who are these people? Do they help him in return with stuff in their skill set?

WetBandits · 25/11/2023 09:59

All the time. He’ll see a message come up from someone he hasn’t spoken to in a while and he’ll say “wonder what they’re going to ask for” and every single time it’s been someone wanting him to come and have a look at their car. Every single time. Never any offer of a favour in return, either!

Dogknowsbest · 25/11/2023 10:00

It would annoy me too. Particularly if it was constant, he already had a full-time job and it was impacting the time I got to spend with him.

WeekWeekWeek · 25/11/2023 10:00

Not in the same way as yours because he doesn’t have a trade/particular skill, but he’s very tall so is constantly called on by family to do things “up high”- change lightbulbs, change smoke alarm batteries, assemble tall artificial Christmas trees.

In supermarkets, it’s not uncommon for a short woman to kind of “adopt” him and fall in line with him on the aisles so that he can stretch and grab things for her. He doesn’t mind at all, especially for elderly woman who struggle that but more to stretch and can be unsteady on their feet.

A woman once bought him a bar of chocolate at the checkout for his help. He was delighted 😁

YoullCatchYourDeathInTheFog · 25/11/2023 10:03

I can see that it might stretch into exploitation if the favours are really taking the piss, but actually as you get older there are lots of wives and daughters of anti-social men who'd tell you that the links he's building with the community around him are so valuable.

DollyDaydreamW · 25/11/2023 10:05

I know what you mean. It can be an incredibly unhealthy dynamic, to always be the giver and never the receiver. I think some men thrive on it, on being useful and needed, because their self esteem is low regarding their general worth, unless they "earn" respect somehow by being useful doing a job. Often goes hand in hand with being paid/charging less than they are worth. Or allowing perfection to be the enemy of good enough... I.e putting in 100% on a job that does not merit it. Makes you feel such a petty arsehole to question it, because they usually don't see it this way..

TheWyfOfBarf · 25/11/2023 10:06

My DP is like this. It has started to bug me because the people who 'use' him are family members (older adult DC mostly) and they know that he is in a lot of pain from osteoarthritis. They keep leaning on him, though.

And it's not just practical jobs like ripping our radiators and replacing fencing. It's loads more. I think his older adult DC are selfish, actually. The younger DC in his early 20s agrees with me (probably because he still lives with his dad and sees the pain he's in) and there's a bit of a storm brewing, I think.

Butteredtoast55 · 25/11/2023 10:08

Mr Toast is very musical so will often be asked to play at weddings or family gatherings for people.
He always does weddings and funerals for free if it's beloveds and people we know well, and it's included by the undertaker for other funerals, but this is more 'can we ask a favour' on the village what's app group or 'are you both free for so and so's birthday party? We thought Mr Toast could be the Piano DJ for the evening' He's also been asked more than once about 1:1 lessons as a favour.
If he says of course, it's usually £x per hour, people go very quiet.

Original poster
FrostyFlo · 25/11/2023 10:10

No help reciprocated.

It normally goes like this. We receive an invite to go over someone's house for a coffee/ / catch up. We go over and he's then asked to look at car, help getting a bike going , look at boiler , problem with a laptop and suddenly two hours have past and he's fixed something for them.

OP posts:
Marmite27 · 25/11/2023 10:11

As a short person, I usually ask someone taller if I can’t reach. Luckily they’re always happy to help.

PurpleCar02 · 25/11/2023 10:14

My DH has been a tradesman in the past. He is handy, I think having the experience gives him the confidence to try things, even if it’s not something he has done professionally years ago. He doesn't get asked to help others, he has commented on it and assumes it’s because people don’t feel comfortable asking because it’s like giving away something for free. He has said he would be more than happy to help though!

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 25/11/2023 10:18

My DH is always called so much so it causes resentment at home as they often come first. As I type this is round someone's house sorting out their split outside water pipe because they never switched it off a d if froze. We've not heard from them for 5 months. I've just messaged them and asked her if she could possibly bake me a Christmas themed cake for 2 weeks time, no reply yet. She bakes for a living and although I know I could do it, I thought I'd call in one of the favours back. When I spoke to DH he said they also asked if he'd go back and do something or other to their kids moped. 😳.
Some people just take the piss

PaintPicturesBlueandGrey · 25/11/2023 10:22

Yes but the problem is when the time taken encroaches on his free time a bit too much. He goes for a week every year to his Mums and does a weeks work that’s fine but it’s a whole weeks leave every year. This summer he put up an awning, replaced guttering, fixed the runners on kitchen draws and sorted out the entire contents of two sheds. He is head of a dept and overall responsible for about 700 people so needs an actual break sometimes.

nettie434 · 25/11/2023 10:25

YoullCatchYourDeathInTheFog · 25/11/2023 10:03

I can see that it might stretch into exploitation if the favours are really taking the piss, but actually as you get older there are lots of wives and daughters of anti-social men who'd tell you that the links he's building with the community around him are so valuable.

I really agree with this.

I've got a friend whose husband was like the OP's husband. Sadly he died (far too young and very sad) but since then their friends have been so supportive to her. I would say one couple take more than they receive but they are the exception.

Oganesson118 · 25/11/2023 10:30

Because my husband is a computer engineer, his parents think nothing of expecting him to drive an hour and a half every time their laptop or TV does something unexpected.

Mabelface · 25/11/2023 10:30

Would he mind popping round and just put up a curtain rail in my bedroom for me please? 😉

My exh was like this, to the detriment of our own home and family because he just could not say no.

NeedToChangeName · 25/11/2023 10:40

My DB is highly skilled, happy to help when it suits him but confident to set boundaries so people don't take advantage

Isheabastard · 25/11/2023 10:56

My ex was like this, but it was mostly him offering to do things for other people, neighbours etc.

He comes across as a really great guy, funny then, that he couldn’t seem to do anything I asked of him.

i realised after a while and taking on board some of the things he said, that he saw all this as transactional. He liked people being obligated to him, so he could call in favours when he wanted something. Him being liked by near strangers was very important to him. He used to say “what goes around, comes around” meaning if he did a favour, he could ask a favour back.

Obviously this started causing resentment in me, he was far too busy doing things for other people to help host his friends, his family. So I would be making up beds and cooking meals. And still nothing I wanted got done by him.

After I went to therapy, my therapist thought he might be a narcissist.

So there can be a darker side to being the always helpful useful husband.

Deathbyfluffy · 25/11/2023 11:02

I was that husband, but I’ve started ignoring people who ask for help when I know they won’t reciprocate or offer payment.

My family time is too important and people properly took the piss - the worst examples are when someone invites you for a coffee with the sole aim of having you fix something.
I started politely declining and the piss taking has (for the most part) stopped.

My favourite was a person I hadn’t spoken to since secondary school (I’m nearly 40…!) asking me to go and look at his car an hour away on a Sunday evening (it was pissing down too) then getting narky when I didn’t reply in 15 minutes.
In the bin.

DollyDaydreamW · 25/11/2023 11:02

@Isheabastard Exactly this, down to a tee... As long as John and Margaret up the road think he's a "solid guy", it gives just enough of an ego boost/kindly front for him to ignore the fact that his own family are stuck in a falling down shithole, or waiting weeks to be able to do anything involving him. There's much less obligation from John and Margaret, yet he gets the same sense of being a Nice Guy™.

It can sound odd to link this to narcissism, (maybe fragile or covert type, I don't know) but when you've realised it, it's stunningly obvious.

Frasers · 25/11/2023 11:05

I think as long as he is fine with it, it’s fine. I’m not sure you should be deciding for him. He’s not a young child.

WandaWonder · 25/11/2023 11:08

Isn't it up to him?

CurlewKate · 25/11/2023 11:10

It depends how transactional you are.....