Does your dh get ' used ' ?

[FrostyFlo]

My dh is quite the master of most things.
Can fix cars and motorbikes , is an electrician can plumb , doesn't mind doing jobs up ladders such as clean out gutters , fix the odd roof tile etc.
But he is always called upon by many people to be their Mr Fixit.

He doesn't seem to mind but it annoys me.
Do you have a Mr Fixit and are happy that he's often around someone's house doing a job for free ?
Maybe that sounds like I think he should be paid, but it's not about money.

Even if it impacts on the OP?
I mean when THEY get ‘invited’ by ‘friends’ and it so happens they have a problem with the car, it impacts her (DH and at least one if the friends involved in said repairs etc….). Is it ok fir him to expect her to just sit around for 2 hours whilst he deals with the problem?
i mean I’d do that once in a while for a very good friend. But when it’s a regular occurence?

Same if the OP doesn’t go btw. It would still impact her.

I get you OP. But as long as he doesn't prioritise everyone else's requests over things that need doing in your home, or you have to cancel family stuff or planned events because he's too busy helping someone else, then let him crack on. What goes around comes around.

DP is happy to help people if he has time and doesn't have things which need doing at home and I'm the same. ExH on the other hand never lifted a finger at home, but was forever using his free time to do things for other people who consequently thought he was wonderful!

@FrostyFlo i think your title sums it up.
You can see he is getting used by other people. He has no boundaries and those people don’t even try and show appreciation for it (by that I mean giving help themselves etc…).

It would be interesting to see what he thinks is going on, why he feels it’s ok for him to always say Yes. And where he outs tte boundary between him ‘helping’ and tte impact it has on you as a family and as a person.

Of course it's up to him , but it's more of a situation as I've put upthread about being invited to visit and a ' Whilst your here ' . It's hard to say no to someone in their house with a cup of tea in your hand and a biscuit in another !
We would never have them over to ours and for example say ' Can you do the washing up / change the beds as Fred fixed your leaky tap last week '

Are those people who invite you that ‘just happen’ to have a problem really friends though?

Often the "helpful" guys can be glory hunters, to the detriment of their own family, so the wife ends up picking up the pieces.

So, for example, it's Dad's turn to watch the kids on Sat and mum has a list of things she's going to get done whilst he does so.

Instead, Dad goes to neighbour's house to fix something and then they proclaim to the whole street how wonderful he is.

Meanwhile, mum is at home, watching the kids again, unable to do all the jobs she has planned.

Dad comes home knackered, falls asleep on the couch and when he's finally able to participate in family life, mum has to be up until midnight getting the jobs done she'd planned for that daytime.

Mum is resentful, kids have had to cope with a stressed parent, relaxing evening goes out the window, sex doesn't happen, dad doesn't understand why he's been "such a good guy" and his wife is annoyed at him. Rot sets into the marriage.

Couple divorce, dad still has his "good guy" image; mum is seen as unreasonable for wanting a life where at least she gets the odd day where dad parents his own kids.

I asked an acquaintance if I could pick her brain about something - she was a professional in a certain field. She immediately said her 'consultant fees' were X, which I guess was fair enough. Maybe she got asked too often. I didn't follow up though.
My husband was a corporate IP lawyer and a relative (who I only see at weddings and funerals) asked for some advice. She said she'd pay, but he gave her an hours free time (his rate was in excess of £500/hour, I don't think she'd have paid that!). She was so grateful and helped me out on a couple things after (which she volunteered for) .
So a one off fine, but constantly expecting free help is pushing it. I always offer to pay if asking a friend for their help if it requires expertise I don't have.

My husband is very useful, but he only helps those who return the favour or people he thinks don't have anyone else who can help them nor can afford to pay for it. He therefore happily helps less well off elderly neighbours without practical kids near by and some of my family.

He once helped our neighbour (in her mid 80s) when her roof leaked with an emergency repair. She would normally fall outside his categories on the basis that she could afford to get paid help, but as she couldn't get anyone out quickly, he sorted a temporary repair. However, she has a boyfriend (in his late 80s) who doesn't live with her and he was massively insulted that she hadn't asked him. He was really indignant with my husband apparently it breaches some code of behaviour that you don't help someone else's girlfriend when she has a boyfriend. To be fair the boyfriend is now up on the roof trying to fix it every few months and has done for the last two years (he turns 90 next year). However, my husband has now extended his rules to anyone with a significant other unless they are also on board.

We have this. DH has a childhood friend who only contacts him when he needs something doing. Latest was helping move house with his latest girlfriend. Radio silence for months, then DH sees on Facebook that "friend" got married. No invite for us. Not even a "sorry but it's family only". I was angry on DH's behalf, but he's not bothered. I get annoyed on his behalf. See also a previous neighbour ( male) who DH helped move furniture; when we needed the favour returned he made excuses why he couldn't. Pisses me right off. There's loads more of examples but I'll just wind myself up 😡

@DollyDaydreamW @Ju1ieAndrews Yes this is the other side of the “helpful” husband.

The narcissist link is that they need validation/admiration all the time. Somewhere in their childhood they developed a huge void inside themselves that needs a constant supply of things/words to make them feel good about themselves. The thing is that good enough is never enough.

Most wives in long marriages start to see this, either because they recognise it for what it is as ‘glory hunters’, or they have to pick up the slack because their partner is out busy ‘helping’. Not only is he receiving gratitude, but Thankyou cards and bottles of booze for his generosity (but it’s time used at your expense). So resentment builds.

often if you look carefully, the helping is often doing things he likes doing anyway. The thing is when you see through them, you stop being a supply for them, or even if you do try to be really kind and gracious it is never enough.

you have let him down, you are the mean spirited one etc and so on.

Its very hard not to get bitter, so I try and remember he is the one most damaged.

The OP obviously has different problems, and friends who are takers rather than givers.

@CurlewKate

"If he doesn't mind why do you?"

What a weird comment. Married couples should concern themselves with each other's well being. If the OP thinks her husband is doing too much for other people with little gratitude or reciprocation, then of course it's her business. She's not asking whether the local butcher is working too hard or not seeing his wife enough is she.

My DP is like this. He is a tradesman and is always being asked to do things even after a hard day at work by family and friends. Putting up tvs, moving sofas, hanging doors etc
With family even when they have other male members in the home eg DP, DF etc. Or calling him to take items to the local dump.
He never says no but lately he is starting to understand they are CF

It’s the family that get on my tits the most. They know he’s tired, struggling with arthritis, and that I’m worried about him.

They have money to pay someone else and the ability to do a lot of the jobs themselves.

Bit still they lean on him, because it’s easier. So selfish.

He doesn’t seem able to say no to them, which is a big problem. I’ve seen them in action and they are very CF. He is slowly waking up but I’ve told him I’m not happy. We have so little time together some weeks it seems pointless being in a relationship.

My DH is also a Mr Fixit it so many ways.
Always doing something for other people to the detriment of himself and our family home.
Last weekend he fitted a toilet for a friend which took all day (not a plumber but good at DIY). We're updating our downstairs loo. We bought the new basin and toilet in July and because of issues with wiring an extractor fan, it's not yet been tiled and of course the toilet and basin has not been installed.
It gets so annoying. It's one thing if you do something for someone and they reciprocate in some way but there are a lot of people who just take and take and never give anything back.