Is my son neurotypical?

[spriots]

I have wondered about this on and off for a long time but I can't work out if I am overreacting.

He is 7.

Things that make me wonder:

He hates loud noises - bursts into tears when an emergency vehicle goes past sometimes, only recently ok with hand driers

He has a range of quirks around going to bed - lights, audiobooks, fan etc

He finds things like being in a small dark space comforting. Also fidget toys

He finds being out of routine/change quite difficult

When he was younger, things like his food being too hot would make him upset

When he was younger, he was just awful about getting changed after swimming because being cold and wet was very difficult

On the other hand:

He is socially fine at school

Academically doing well

Plays well with other children

Basically never violent

I can't work out if he is neurotypical and just a bit quirky or whether there is something else going on

Do an asd questionnaire like

psychology-tools.com/test/cast

If you are still concerned email the school senco outlining your concerns and request they assess him for referral to see a paediatrician. Alternatively you could request a paediatrician app through GP.

My eldest is similar. Dr thinks he may be but waiting on results of questionnaires. You can be socialable and be asd. Its a large spectrum. A couple of things suggest he may be but they could also be quirks which we all have
It's unlikely he will get assessed via nhs based on what you say ( might be wrong) so you'd have to pay privately.

I agree, I don't think it's likely we would get an NHS assessment - when I have mentioned it to his teachers they look baffled. But my gut instinct says he isn't quite NT in some way.

I forgot one relatively recent development which is that when we had a large delivery recently he was thrilled and for months now he has had the box in his bedroom and often sleeps in it - when asks he tells me "it feels safe" - just doesn't feel totally normal for a 7 year old, you know?

How is he with clothing - eg labels or socks with seams?

Could be 'quirks' with or without a common denominator. DS1 is autistic but with several co-morbidities including sensory processing disorder (can only really be diagnosed by appropriately qualified OT) and auditory processing disorder (diagnosed by GOSH). The SPD and APD were diagnosed before ASD. They can be standalone and sometimes at younger ages before the demands of school ramp up can appear to be. But if he is ASD and this is unrecognised it could mean that anxiety exacerbates issues. He already seems to be concerned about feeling comfortable and safe.

He doesn't like "hard trousers" - i.e. jeans or similar, but he copes with school trousers as long as they are the comfier variety

As per pp could be spd.
how many actual friemds does he have? Does he get invited to their house? Could they also have sen?
For dd1 y2 was when she started drifting from other girls to only 1 friendship.
it seems to be easier for boys who are into football etc
does he struggle to do what a group wants to?

I have a child who is ND but as he doesn’t struggle socially and isn’t violent, it was hard to get school to see his struggles. He was diagnosed as a teen as school insisted that he was fine but I now see that they prioritise the ones who struggle with school so I should have listened to my gut more.

I know what you mean by 'hard trousers' (we called them structured) but I am willing to bet most parents of NT DC would not. Maybe you are normalising? And maybe there are other behaviours you are normalising?

I really don't know what to advise. I started a journey when my son was 7 that did not end well. But it wouldn't have ended better if I did nothing. Finding out what his needs were was not the problem. Meeting his needs was the problem.

I feel like he only has one real friend who definitely doesn't have SEN. But when I said this to his teacher, she seemed very surprised and claimed he has many friends.

He actually loves organised group things, a a birthday party he is always joined in etc

@PocketSand I agree on the normalising - I feel like I only noticed this stuff properly once ds2 got older. E.g. taking DS2 swimming was just a totally different experience - no crying endlessly when wet etc

At 7 my (then undiagnosed) autistic son seemed on a par with his peers socially - it was only towards the end of primary that the gap started to be more noticeable. At 7 their friendships were still v straight forward and easy to navigate.

Academic ability is not an autistic trait. I guess lack of ability could imply difficulty keeping up/focusing at school though. That’s not been a problem for us so far (teen now).

Hand dryer noise, seams in socks, easily frustrated, not happy with change and food sensitivities etc were all there from very young. I just didn’t realise how extreme it was until I had another child.

Violence is a very externalised presentation of a meltdown. Some autistic people shutdown instead of meltdown. Some have an internalised presentation. There’s a lot on that here: https://autisticgirlsnetwork.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/Keeping-it-all-inside.pdf

Given that you have mentioned unusual behaviours that he adopts to make him feel comfortable or safe at a young age you need to explore the reasons why he is feeling so uncomfortable and unsafe. If it is 'normal' levels of sound or 'normal' sensory input he is likely to be overwhelmed and this could lead to overwhelming anxiety. KS3 and KS4 are very demanding. Is he in KS2 already?

Lots of food for thought - thank you to everyone who has replied

Something else to throw into the mix is that I feel like he is getting better not worse - e.g. he is much happier with hot food than he used to be (sometimes just waits for it to cool down a bit but he no longer bursts into tears if his food is too hot) and similarly with loud noises, he still doesn't love them but he only bursts into tears once in a blue moon.

I can't work out if this is him growing out of some of these issues or him getting better at masking.

DH is of the point of view that he is functioning fine, doing fine at school, overall happy and social so why look into it further.

Also generally while he has some strong preferences, like his range of bedtime quirks, he is actually fine when away from home

I went through exactly the same thought process. My son also seemed to ‘get better’ with all the things listed. Especially as he got used to routines that included the difficult things. But life at 7 was far easier for him to mask his way through than at 11.

I suggest switching around the question - when is he not ok with them? My son will find everything he can usually ‘cope with’ incredibly hard when he’s under multiple stresses/too much sensitivity building up/having masked for a long time. Once I realised it was a cumulative effect it all made much more sense. Is there a pattern you can see?

Regardless of what you decide to do, taking lots of notes now about all these situations might be useful. Even just to look for patterns to try and help him cope or to use in a future assessment.

You've basically just described by 5 year old and he's just been put on the asd referral pathway

If he’s doing well socially and academically then does it actually matter? I don’t get the point in labels if a person is getting on ok in life.

Yes it matters because he can start struggling at any point and starting the process now when he's not 'bad' is much better than starting it two years down the line when the shit has hit the fan. Especially when you have a 2 year waiting list to contend with.

At 7 ds didn't struggle socially, but would put his hands over his ears for certain noises, by 10/11 the differences were more obvious though. At 18 he's predicted all A stars for A-level and has never been in any way violent. Secondary school is much harder socially. It wouldn't surprise me if your ds was autistic but it might not be obvious enough yet for them to be interested in assessing him.

You could talk to school/SENCO and see what they think - but keep in mind that generally teachers think everyone is fine if they don't cause any problems. And SENCO's vary a lot in how knowledgeable they are.

You’re doing the right thing in exploring & questioning this OP. One thing I would say is to trust your instinct & not place too much emphasis on what family/ friends/ the school say. I had so many people telling me not to label my daughter & that she couldn’t be autistic as she was sociable & imaginative. But she had a lot of sensory issues & really struggled in reception. She cried all the way through the singing part of the nativity play & none of the teachers noticed. We recently got an autism diagnosis & she is not currently attending school as they were pretty useless at supporting her & she burnt out. It’s worth just keeping an open mind on these things.

With my DD I have also noticed that she is better at coping with some sensory input now depending on how regulated she is so your DS improving as he gets older doesn’t mean he’s definitely neurotypical. However some things have become harder as my DD has got older e.g. at age 3 we could take her to a variety of social things & she would be ok bar the odd blip but now she is more aware of the demands of those situations she tends to avoid them.

It's all so confusing - I feel like things aren't quite right but when I do a questionnaire or look down symptoms lists etc, I come back reassured.

Maybe I will have a chat with the SENCO who is quite good by repute

It does sound like SPD. Which can be stand alone or can co-exist with other ND such as adhd, ASD etc.

Spd does appear to get better in many cases as children learn to cope or manage the sensory overload. On a day to day basis, you would not realise ds has SPD as he just gets on with things, but there are things he does, consciously and unconsciously, to manage it. For Eg, he still won't wear jeans or similar trousers and is very very resistant to new school trousers... even when they are 100% the same as the old pair (I regularly sneak them into the wash and put a new pair out without telling him).

The school nurse rang me last week as he had had a fall with bad graze. But he refused to let her put a bandage on. The moment I mentioned the SPD she immediately said, "yes, I thought that was it". When he was younger, first aid wS a nightmare because he just couldn't cope with the process. He's better now - still hates it but accepts the need. Similarly we had a few trips to A&e that were perhaps less necessary because he hurt himself and was hysterical ans couldn't be distracted from the pain.

As soon as he was able, he took himself for hair cuts. He hates the entire experience, but his way to cope is to do it alone so that all he has to focus on is managing the discomfort. I suspect that it's also why he constantly defaults to local barber with little English - no need to chat and split focus.

At this age, with few other markers, I would aim for a spd diagnosis and then, if necessary, reassess when he's older. Ds has recently also got an inattentive adhd diagnosis. Occupational therapists can diagnosed spd. Find one that also provides OT support - we were all, including ds and his teachers, blown away by how his q6 weeks of OT helped him.

@SavBlancTonight yes I think that's feeling like the right answer

God haircuts... Another thing that was awful when he was younger, I hired someone to come to our house to do it, she specialises in SEN children. But now he will go to the barbers

I mean if you’re having no issues I wouldn’t really worry about it. When you are having lots of problems with him coping through the every day including at school, then I’d worry.

That’s qurie common though

This is a lot like my DS. He grew out of a lot of his sensory issues, tho they come back a bit when he is stressed. Didn't grow out of struggling academically, preferring small groups and having special interests. Not diagnosable at age 6 as "too quirky", now on wait list for that again now as school progress not great in secondary. May also have dyslexia. My advice is the earlier you have a diagnosis, the earlier DS will get support if it's needed.