Is it ever OK for parents to do this? (TW)

[notabletocry]

Trying to unpack my childhood at the moment and struggling.

I can’t cry in front of other people. I can do it alone, but not in front of other people - I hold it back as much as possible, turn it into anxiety or numb it in other ways. I only cry in extremes and even then it’s very difficult.

When I was a little girl, I remember my mum couldn’t hack crying or emotional situations. She couldn’t cope if I had a tantrum or needed help, she didn’t have the emotional coping skills to deal with it.

When I was pre school, my mum picked up a plate and cracked it over my head. She told me it was my fault for making a fuss, because I didn’t want to eat my lunch.

When I got older, she threw a cup of tea at me once - and another night hit me so hard the side of my face was stinging for half an hour after.

Another time I threw a tantrum because my neighbour’s daughter gave me clothes that I wasn’t allowed to wear and I remember my mum clearly saying ‘shall I tell you why girls don’t wear clothes like these? Because men do xyz to them, like they did to me.’

My dad I can’t remember hitting me - just screamed and shouted. Once screamed loud enough I remember being stunned into silence, I was about 3.

I wasn’t a perfect child at all, I didn’t sleep for years - and I did have meltdowns at times - and maybe some part of me did deserve it but I’m not sure.

Everything was always my fault.

When I’m in counselling and I get emotional I panic and feel the need to get away - literally want to leave the room - at the same time part of me feels very childlike and very odd. Like I want to scream and shout at counsellor for things - or the opposite, have her pick me up like I’m 5 and tell me it’s Ok.

I know my counsellor won’t hit me, or laugh at me, or blame me if I cry or show anger - but I can’t let go - I spent the whole of last appointment desperately wanting to cry but couldn’t, and I’m not even sure why. It just turned into a panic attack instead when I left the building.

I never knew anyone who wasn’t smacked in childhood (born 1991) but I’m not sure if this was normal or OK. Feel horrendously guilty for suggesting it might not be OK. They had their own problems. But it shouldn’t have all been put on me.

Never ok for parents to do this and I’m so sorry you don’t know that. None of that was your fault. I think you need to be really honest with your therapist about how you’re feeling - it’s not wrong to feel any of the things you are feeling. Your feelings are valid and a completely normal response to the abuse you suffered.

I'm so sorry you went through this, OP. Nothing about what you describe was ok. I was born exactly 20 years before you and I wasn't smacked or screamed at.

Of course part of you didn't deserve it. What you deserved was to be loved and looked after by your parents. That care is what all children deserve. You shouldn't need to earn that care by being 'perfect'. It should be the minimum a parent provides for their child. Nobody (child or adult) is perfect, nor should anyone expect them to be.

They plate smashing, tea throwing and slapping is abusive.

Shouting occasionally is not ideal but fairly normal (or at least it was in the 90's). It's probably more the content of what he was shouting that's done the damage (it's your fault etc.).

It's wasn't your fault you were a child. That's just biology! They can hardly blame you for not having been born an adult!

I'm glad you're getting help and support now.

My DC were born in 1994 and 1998. It absolutely wasn't and isn't normal.

You poor poor girl.

I wasn’t a perfect child at all, I didn’t sleep for years - and I did have meltdowns at times - and maybe some part of me did deserve it but I’m not sure

No, no part of you ever deserved physical and emotional abuse for being a normal child. I hope you can unpack this some day xx

@notabletocry mine didn't sleep. I generally found a huge cuddle in my arms saw off the meltdown. They might have been shouted at occasionally but home was always a safe place.

You were abused and your mum was a terrible person and your dad sounds awful too.

I was born in the 70s and never hit, and nor were my friends. It is absolutely not normal and 90s parents should absolutely have known better. There is no excuse.

Keep plugging away at the counselling. Maybe consider a different one?

I'm sorry you're still holding back emotionally from your childhood hurts. Please be upfront with your therapist, it will be difficult but they are really the best person to open up to. They won't judge. You do deserve to be able to have emotions!

I'm speaking from experience here. I still have trouble based on childhood bullying and I'm 54 ffs! Still trying to convince myself I'm worth it. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Their behaviour isn't about you. Your mum did not treat you like that because you deserved it. She treated you like that because she clearly did not have proper coping skills and clearly had never worked through her own childhood issues.
You should not feel guilty for any of it. Or for acknowledging your parents behaviour as damaging to you.
It can exist simultaneously that you love your parents and have sympathy for the things they went through but also understand that they harmed you and were abusive.
It's really good that you are in counselling and have identified and want to discuss these issues. You are very brave and you are doing the things that your mother should have done in order to be able to function better.
You don't have to hate her or even be angry if you don't want to. You can acknowledge that she did you wrong, she abused you even if that were not her intention. Because it is important for ou to know that none of that was about you.. no child on this earth deserves to be treated like that. It doesn't matter what they did or how stressed out their parents were. You don't need to feel guilty for understanding this. The only way you can really move forward is to let go of the ideas you have that any of that was in your control or you were responsible for any of it.

Have you told your counsellor what happens in the sessions - that you want to cry but can’t and end up in a panic attack?

I was born mid 80s, and my brother is close in age to you. I remember one screaming row with my mum as a teen - I was the one being vile though. Aside from that, it was so unusual for their to be raised voices that we all remember one time my dad did really shout, and he remembers how awful he felt.
There might have been the odd snappy frustrated response to something, they were only human, but they were not unkind.

Thank you, that really helps, yes they're both very damaged individuals sadly.

I'm seeing counsellor again on Wed so will try to explain to her again somehow. She wanted me to identify thoughts I was having over the weekend and one of them is that I deserve to be unhappy, she wanted me to try and challenge those thoughts but that's easier said than done sometimes.

I do love them yes, its very hard to separate love for someone from feeling hurt and neglected.

Not really no, last week I held it in as much as possible by deliberately speaking about stuff that wasn't difficult. She always asks me to set an agenda for each week and how long I want to spend talking about each issue, so last week tried to stick to stuff I knew wasn't really bothering me, so I wouldn't get upset. I think she knew there was other stuff happening in my head though. I do feel safe with her but keep thinking I've only got an hour and if I get upset, then what happens.

Of course it's not ok to crack plates on your child's head, and the rest. I'm kind of worried you think it might be. Isn't it obvious it's not? Maybe you were also manipulated into thinking lots of issues were your fault.

Many of us born around that time will have parents who didn't handle emotions well. But this does sound particularly bad.

Hello notabletocry - I see you are having counselling which is great but have you considered EMDR therapy?
This is something I use with clients (I am a therapist) with childhood trauma like yours.

EMDR Therapy

You also sound like you would benefit from some inner child therapy - you are not responsible for the actions of your parents x

Sounds similar too my childhood. I am a 34hh and mum wouldn't let me have a bra, I was teased and bullied so bad. A friend felt sorry for me and gave me two of hers ( wrong size) she saw and cut them up. I left home at 15 to get away.

It’s not normal. Your mum has mental health issues she should have dealt with, she didn’t and you suffered for it. My mum was similar. Some of my earliest memories are of being backed into a corner whilst being repeatedly smacked around the face. We were always blamed too, it was always our fault and never hers. My siblings and I are all scarred by it i one way or another and the resentment is still there towards my mum for not getting help and letting her mental health issues rule and in a way ruin our childhoods, but I’ve moved on and I try to be understanding towards her as far as I can be.

Talk with your counsellor about your feelings and that you feel you want to cry but can’t and that leads to panic attacks. Maybe they can help. But remember it’s not your fault.

None of this was your fault, Op, 💐
If you find it difficult to say how you are really feeling to your counsellor, you might find it easier to print this thread off and show it to them, or copy/paste your posts and print that off.

I do feel safe with her but keep thinking I've only got an hour and if I get upset, then what happens.

It seems like having an agenda is putting unnecessary pressure on you. If you cry it's because you need to. If you spend the whole session crying its most likely because you need to. The counsellor should be able to make sure that you remain grounded while crying. By holding the crying in you are probably surpresing your emotions and then it's showing up in other ways like you said anxiety.

That’s been suggested a few times but the thought of it is a bit scary - worried they’ll make me talk about things in detail and that I won’t be able to cope.

Inner child has been mentioned too yes, counsellor has said ‘adult self/child self’ a few times.

We were brought up a bit isolated so I didn’t see much of normal family life - lives in a relatively isolated area to start with, but for some reason abuse wasn’t unusual. My mum didn’t have many friends and the two she did have were both abusive to their kids too, in different ways.

Yea that makes sense, the ‘how long do you want to spend on x issue’ is difficult, I find myself worrying I’ll say the wrong answer to it.

The good thing about EMDR is that you don't have to talk too much at all if it's too traumatic for you - if you can think briefly about an event and locate feelings attached to this event, that's all you need to do.
It can release trapped feelings very quickly and then you can start to 'reprocess' the memories so that they no longer have the same effect on you.
Happy to chat further if you want to know more x

Yes, that would be a big help thanks if you’re happy to chat, thank you x

Yea that makes sense, the ‘how long do you want to spend on x issue’ is difficult, I find myself worrying I’ll say the wrong answer to it.

Try to be open with her about how setting an agenda is making you feel. If she is anything other than understanding and accepting then you two are not a good fit. And I would advise you to find a counsellor who understands the value of not preplanning your sessions.

She would understand yes, she actually said last week she wondered if that was making it worse but I just went into people pleasing mode and said no no don't worry about it.