Trying to unpack my childhood at the moment and struggling.
I can’t cry in front of other people. I can do it alone, but not in front of other people - I hold it back as much as possible, turn it into anxiety or numb it in other ways. I only cry in extremes and even then it’s very difficult.
When I was a little girl, I remember my mum couldn’t hack crying or emotional situations. She couldn’t cope if I had a tantrum or needed help, she didn’t have the emotional coping skills to deal with it.
When I was pre school, my mum picked up a plate and cracked it over my head. She told me it was my fault for making a fuss, because I didn’t want to eat my lunch.
When I got older, she threw a cup of tea at me once - and another night hit me so hard the side of my face was stinging for half an hour after.
Another time I threw a tantrum because my neighbour’s daughter gave me clothes that I wasn’t allowed to wear and I remember my mum clearly saying ‘shall I tell you why girls don’t wear clothes like these? Because men do xyz to them, like they did to me.’
My dad I can’t remember hitting me - just screamed and shouted. Once screamed loud enough I remember being stunned into silence, I was about 3.
I wasn’t a perfect child at all, I didn’t sleep for years - and I did have meltdowns at times - and maybe some part of me did deserve it but I’m not sure.
Everything was always my fault.
When I’m in counselling and I get emotional I panic and feel the need to get away - literally want to leave the room - at the same time part of me feels very childlike and very odd. Like I want to scream and shout at counsellor for things - or the opposite, have her pick me up like I’m 5 and tell me it’s Ok.
I know my counsellor won’t hit me, or laugh at me, or blame me if I cry or show anger - but I can’t let go - I spent the whole of last appointment desperately wanting to cry but couldn’t, and I’m not even sure why. It just turned into a panic attack instead when I left the building.
I never knew anyone who wasn’t smacked in childhood (born 1991) but I’m not sure if this was normal or OK. Feel horrendously guilty for suggesting it might not be OK. They had their own problems. But it shouldn’t have all been put on me.