Neighbour problem

[Rainraingjustgoaway]

I realise this is going to sound trivial to some, but I have history of depression and anxiety and this situation is causing me a lot of stress.
I live in a small block of flats, up to now everything has been good, it’s a lovely location and everyone has always got along fine, that is until new neighbours, a couple moved in.
I am quite a reserved person and for context a single female, because we all live in close proximity, I try to be civil and friendly to my neighbours, hellos, brief small talk etc. nothing else.
When they first moved in I initially bumped into her husband, introduced myself, before she came out the flat, ignored me, talked over the top of me then flounced back indoors.
When I say hello to her in passing she looks me up and down.
Every encounter with her is the same, if she’s with him she does this weird eye roll thing to him.
I have tried to reason that she can’t help it and is unaware of what her face is doing, but seems to manage to be lovely to one of my other neighbours ( loud and gossipy).
I understand that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, likewise not everyone’s to my taste, but I will still be civil towards people like a mature adult. She seems to actively despise me for minimal reasons at best. I don’t think I’ve encountered this kind of behaviour since being about aged 12.
Honestly I’m at a loss as to what her problem is and I am doing my best to ignore, but it’s difficult when you live in close proximity and share communal areas. I don’t want to escalate it by doing the same back, likewise I don’t want to keep trying to be civil to someone that doesn’t like me. I’m also worried she’s going to turn my other neighbours against me, which will be intolerable.
It’s causing me so much stress that I’m looking at moving , even though I can’t move away at the moment.

Just ignore her. I mean how many times do you encounter her and it's probably for a few fleeting seconds. Or turn it in to a game. Smile and say 'morning' really loudly. It'll really piss her off 😂

I have a neighbour like this. I smile and say hello as I know it pisses her off.

I'm a firm believer of killing with kindness. It'll fucking kill her when you're lovely, friendly and polite, especially in front of other neighbours and she can't do a thing about it without looking like a bitch. And if she ever tries to badmouth you to neighbours, they'll look at her differently, not you.

Go overboard. Be loud, cheerful and just annoyingly lovely.

Just ignore, I think your anxiety is getting the best of you, especially the whole turning your neighbours against you. Just smile, say hi, turn away. Ignore, honestly it’s no big deal and not worth this angst. So what if she doesn’t say hi, looks you up and down and rolls her eyes, it’s hardly signficant.

My neighbour does the same . I did a high pitched hello the other day just for my own amusement - at the end of the day she has a problem I don't so if she wants to be miserable that's her choice..

Be consistent with a polite 'good morning/good evening' and just let it slide. I think you're better off being ignored by this particular person than being someone that she wants to talk to as I doubt that conversation with her is at all enjoyable.

You are absolutely right about this being 12 yr old behaviour, her opinion of you is irrelevant to you because she's very immature.

I never know when I am going to bump into her, I think she works from home. I’ve took to hurrying back into my flat when I can see her car coming and generally doing my best to avoid her, even though she’s only been here a month or so I’m now starting to feel unwelcome in my own home.

I know the best thing is just kill with kindness and be consistent, but it’s making me feel very unsettled.
I’ve worked with some unpleasant people in the past and can manage it with them, because I can disconnect and go home, but this is in my home environment and it makes me feel unsafe.

How often do you really see her? I'd just smile, say hello and continue as you would any other neighbour. It sounds like your anxiety is on overdrive and you are reading far more into it. Surely when you do see her, its for only a few seconds. Don't let this brief interaction ruin your own life.

You don't know what is going on behind closed doors. Maybe she is jealous of you being a single woman in the block. Maybe her husband has cheated before. Maybe she is just odd and unfriendly? Who knows. Do you have any support for your mental health?

I'm sorry to hear that @Rainraingjustgoaway. It truly is a stressful and upsetting situation. I completely understand. We have a neighbour like this. We have no idea why she is so cold towards us yet so friendly with everyone else. We're lovely people and get on with everyone in our street. So I don't think it's anything we've done wrong.

Sometimes people are weird. It can't be explained. It can be as simple as that green eyed monster called jealousy. When we lived in our previous home, the neighbours didn't like us because we often had people come round and park in the street. At least, we think that's the case.

For the sake of peace, we have always risen above it. We try not to take it personally, we always say hello and smile, and we keep making an effort.

I say this, one of the many reasons we are moving house is because of this one set of neighbours. It isn't pleasant. But who's to say our next lot will be any better!

My point is, don't go above and beyond a sincere hello. And if they don't respond? Don't sweat it. These things are never about us.

It sounds to me like this woman might be threatened by you...? I mean, single attractive women are a threat to insecure women who don't like something tempting dangling in front of their man... and so she treats you with contempt?! Lord knows.

Just take comfort from knowing you can't control what others do or think, you can only control how you react. You sound lovely, so don't sweat it. Easier said than done, i know.

Why do you feel unsafe? She just doesn't want to to be friends, theirs nothing wrong with that. One of my neighbours hates me, but speaks to my hubby and my kids. I ignore her but speak to her partner, which she hates as she won't come over. To be honest even if she spoke now I wouldn't reply.

@SM4713
It can vary, which is the problem as I don’t know when I will see her. I’m worrying to go outside in case I bump into her.
Last week I held open the communal front door as I saw them approaching as I was leaving, made a ‘good timing’ comment, she did weird eye roll look to husband and walked passed me. When husband passed me he smiled and I said hello to him, she aggressively said hello back ?
It’s annoying me how much headspace this is taking up. Wish they would they would just move away, she is awful.

I will give you the same advice I gave my daughter when she was bullied in school—and it worked, by the way—“Be The Bigger Bitch.” Do not scuttle away or avoid her. Walk straight at her and force her to step aside. Prepare yourself to aggressively greet her with a wide smile and a cheery “hello!” Day and night. Open the door when she walks by and say loudly “WFH again Betty? Must be nice!” Etc…etc..etc..

I’m don’t want to be friends with her. I live in close proximity to her and it’s make it’s more pleasant if people are civil each other.

And I understand why you feel so shaken, @Rainraingjustgoaway But you've done nothing wrong. Don't be hard on yourself. Know that how you feel is ok. We feel that too with one of our neighbours. It really can feel like you're trapped and your home no longer feels safe.

I would also recommend a bit of cognitive behavioural therapy. It really helps. And might I suggest The Four Agreements? It's a book based on Toltec wisdom and I think will offer comfort.

We went to a street party last night and I was a little anxious because we've had a tough year and haven't really been sociable for a while. We knew this neighbour would be there. Interestingly, she didn't bother with me, as per usual. But I didn't sweat it. We must have spoken to 20 odd neighbours with warmth and hugs and laughs. All very relaxed. And I relaxed and didn't sweat this one person. In the end, she did her usual. Ignored me, was lovely to everyone else. I didn't dwell on it. I just allowed the lovely warmth of everyone else to hit home that I really haven't done anything wrong and we are well loved in our street.

Interestingly, it was her husband who came up to me, of his own will, and he stood and chatted with me for ages. He's a bit shy and awkward but was very kind last night. Which isn't too unusual of him but it felt like something had shifted. Nothing from her but I didn't take it personally. To be fair, I didn't go up to her but only because I was busy elsewhere.

I suspect she might be depressed. I noticed that she didn't mingle with others much last night either. And something twigged. I realised that no matter what, you just have to be your wonderful joyful self. Don't take it personally. And continue to be kind and civil. You never know what hell people are going through either. Xx

@MillTree thank you. It does make you feel trapped in your own home and unsafe to go out.

Don't allow their misery to dampen your spirits @Rainraingjustgoaway There will always be people who don't like us, but that is absolutely no reflection on us!

She's done nothing to you but eyeroll, why the dramatics about feeling safe? She probably thought you were talking over her and now flirt with her husband. Thinking about moving seems very extreme!

I get it OP.

I live on a small estate (give me a caravan in a field anyday!) and notice this with a couple of neighbours. Women of course!

One woman deliberately blanks me. On the rare occasion I was talking to another neighbour she charged straight up, interrupted the conversation and just started talking to the other woman as if I wasn’t there. So rude and so obvious and bizarre!

The other woman barely grimaces a smile and confronted me once too over nothing - but she has fallen out with 2 neighbours big time so is clearly a person you’d want to avoid (as I surmised in first seeing her!)

As pp said, I also think it may be jealousy of some kind. They are low quality people who vibrate at a low level. Maybe they sense your positive qualities and feel exposed and can only respond in this unpleasant way. They may also sense some delicacy or vulnerability, so you finding a way to shore yourself up could be one way to deal with.

Things one can do 1. actively be cheery 2. politely ignore (maybe a weak smile in their general direction) 3. just ignore as if they’re not there 4. pray for light and love to protect you 5. put a curse on them.

<hugs>

I would not attempt to 'be the bigger bitch' as suggested above. Just be polite and reserved - no point in trying to engage with her.

However, given the strength of your feelings and fears, which are clearly excessive, I'd also seek help with dealing with your anxieties. Are there other aspects of your life that make you feel anxious or overwhelmed? Maybe find a counselor to try and work through these powerful emotions.

This is a very extreme reaction to someone simply rolling their eyes at you. I mean she’s literally not doing much else. She simply doesn’t like you, but she is not threatening you or abusing you in any way, shape nor form.

can you explain further your reaction in how you feel trapped and unsafe? This seems more your issue in terms of mental health rather than anything she’s done.

I'd disagree @Janeandme It's death by a thousand cuts. People's behaviour over time can cause distress. Particularly when it's right on your doorstep. I wouldn't say she's being over the top. But I would recommend some CBT to realise it's nothing personal.

@Rainraingjustgoaway

Please try hard not to take her behaviour to heart, as PP's have said she may feel insecure/ worried around a single female (established) neighbour if her husband has been flirty/ possibly unfaithful before.
Perhaps she is finding it difficult to settle in, feeling a bit of an outsider, and seeing you as a "fully integrated" member of the community is a bit scary for her and she's nervous about approaching you?
I'm not sure, just offering suggestions tbh, and asking you to try not to take it personally because it will prey on your mind and it shouldn't 😉💐