I don’t know how to look after myself

[Xoxgossipgirl]

I’m 18 and I live by myself. I have done since I just turned 17. Since then I’ve had to learn how to feed myself, clean etc. But it’s still such a struggle everyday to try and keep on top of everything. I’ve just quit college which I only started in September because it is just too much stress having to keep on top of all the coursework, exams etc, and actually getting up and ready for it so my attendance got to 30%. I try so hard to keep my flat tidy but it all builds up so quickly and it overwhelms me so much to the point I just can’t do anything about it until about one day a week where I’m feeling semi okay I decide enough is enough and clean it all in one big job that takes all day. Then repeat every week in that cycle. I just don’t know how to cope living by myself. Everything is so overwhelming and lonely, I have a boyfriend who comes over a lot and I see my friends occasionally but recently I’ve been so anxious that the thought of going out and seeing anyone other than my boyfriend makes me feel sick, I used to see them everyday I don’t know what’s happened. I’ve lost 2 family members in the last 2 months which obviously hasn’t helped either but I just don’t know what to do. This also has been making me think constantly that life is so short and I’m so scared of dying without doing everything I want to do. I haven’t really lived much of a life so far and I don’t want to start too late. Everything is just too much. Any advice would be so appreciated. Thank you

Do you make lists? Even if you never look at them, it can be helpful to have a list of ten things to do this week, and choose one each day. If you do more than one, great. But try to do one. You can add things on to the list, but try to keep to just ten - cross one off if necessary.

End of the week, start a new list with with ten things. Repeat.

Then you can build up to two things a day, and then three. I am now quite organised and on top of everything, but it's taken years (literally), and having just three daily targets stops me getting overwhelmed.

Do you have a tutor at college you could speak to? You sound completely overwhelmed. But you are doing so well to be living on your own at 17! You just need some extra support, so go and see someone at college to get the ball rolling - they will be keen to help - you don't need to struggle on like this.

And as for cleaning, honestly, a whole day a week cleaning? I only do a whole day every month or so!! Cut yourself some slack. Everything does not have to be squeaky clean, a little dust never hurt anyone.

Hugs.

As above I suggest lists too. I use a note on my phone for lists and tick off things, literally;

breakfast ✅
shower ✅

Are you eating and can you cook what you like to eat?

Sorry, I've misread - you've left college. In that case, pop and see your doctor. Explain how you're feeling. Hopefully they will be able to advise.

I agree that a doctor visit is in order. You sound like you’re suffering from anxiety.

Managing everything by yourself at your age is tough.

I hope you feel better soon.

Goodness me - I really want to give you a huge hug because you sound amazing. Two tips:

1. Hang your clothes up or put them in the wash backet before you go to bed. It sounds like a tiny thing but it makes a big difference

1. Wash the dishes before you eat dinner. It takes seconds if you do it straight away and you can then relax over dinner. Wash the plates with the dinner dishes the next day (you need two days plates and cutlery to make that work).

And take a minute to appreciate how much you have already achieved :)

You should be proud of yourself, you’re doing so so well. I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. Cut yourself some slack and congratulate yourself on how far you’ve come.

My house doesn’t get cleaned once a week and I can’t cook! You don’t have to do everything perfectly.

I second the lists - I do a ‘big 3’ a day - 3 things I need to do and then relax. I suffer with anxiety too, and your recent losses will make this worse - really recommend speaking to your GP and getting some therapy to learn coping mechanisms and help you find your joy.

(((HUG)))

Do you want to tell us how you came to be living alone at 17. It's not very usual these days unless someone has had a chaotic childhood. If you've had a chaotic childhood, it's not surprising you're struggling with college & looking after yourself/your home.

what were you doing at College? Would you like to go back?

your life choices will improve greatly if you carry on at college or do an apprenticeship type thing.

you sound very overwhelmed & exhausted, depressed. I think your GP would be a good place to start & the college may still make their services available to you.

Get out every day & get some fresh air. Just walk for a bit, as much as you can manage, it doesn't have to be hours/miles

.believe in yourself, don't let others bring you down.

Lists of things to do and tick them off when done. This is satisfying as you can see the list getting smaller.

Meal plan at the start of the week and then go to the shops for what you need then made a top up later in the week if you need fresh veg or milk.

Wash dishes after each meal and put away then wipe surfaces.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You're doing amazing xx

Re the anxiety, if you've lost 2 family members in 2 months then it is perfectly within normal expectations that you would be grieving and questioning your mortality. As per PPs speak to your GP, but also don't expect to feel 'normal' you're bereaved and you need to let yourself feel and process that pain.

Regarding keeping life going, we all struggle with that sometimes, keeping the balance and getting everything done isn't easy. Having a structure and routine is a good way to start, at first it will be something you need to think about and force yourself to do, but the more you do it, the more of a habit it will become.

Make yourself a list/chart and on each day put the activities you will do, keep it limited to a total of less than an hours worth of actual activity a day so it doesn't consume your day. Keep on top of washing up and wiping kitchen worktops at each meal

Eg

Monday

• sheets and towels wash
• hoover throughout
• mop kitchen floor

Tuesday

• wipe down bath/shower/sink
• bleach toilet

Wednesday

• make a list of what food you need for the week
• food shop

.....

And if you still want to do the college course then speak to them, I :now you have told them you want to drop out but go back, let them know that you've had family losses, you're living along, you're overwhelmed and you would like to complete your course but are struggling. Give them a chance to help you.

Wow thank you for everyone who’s already replied with so much advice. My friends have been telling me I need to go to the doctors and try to sort out getting antidepressants. Does anyone know how to go about this and what to say? I would like to go back to college but I’m so far behind I just don’t think it’s possible for me to pass and I’m also extremely anxious about actually going into lessons as I don’t talk to anyone as everyone already knows each other from the year before (it’s a level 2 course) and they always make us group up or pair up with people which is obviously extremely awkward for me. I know this seems like a stupid ‘excuse’ since my boyfriend goes to the same college and he always says I’m not there to make friends I’m there to learn which yes is true but I don’t think he quite understands as he’s friends with everyone in his class (probably partly due to it being a level 1 so everyone is in the same boat of being new, unlike in mine).

Thank you to everyone who has given me advice like this. I do try but it’s just so hard to keep up with when all I want to do is sleep so I don’t have to think. X

Also want to clarify when I say I clean for a whole day a week I mean that I let everything build up so much that it takes me a whole day to do my washing up, laundry, fold up all my clothes (I do have a lot!), hoover and clean all the surfaces etc. I know this is meant to be done over multiple days to break it down I just can’t seem to do it, that’s why it builds up to the point I have to do it once a week

Definitely go to your GP and tell them what you've said in your original post. They'll be able to either help or direct you to the right help.

As for your disorganisation and cleaning...I have found that if you give everything a place it makes life a lot easier. So you never leave anything out because everything has a home. You'll soon find you don't leave stuff in random places and need to tidy them away later. Also, don't feel pressure from society and social media to have too much stuff. I now don't have any ornaments or so called pretty things around the house because they just collect dust and make cleaning more complicated and time consuming. Life is so much more manageable if you don't have too much stuff and if everything you do have has a place.

Good luck and please do ask for help from your GP.

Thank you. I will try making an appointment when I wake up if they’re open, I’ve put it off for so long because I don’t want them to think I’m being dramatic which I guess is a bit stupid lol. I don’t really have much stuff other than a lot of clothes!

As you have missed quite a lot do you think college would let you repeat the year?

Then you could be in level 1 with your boyfriend if I have understood it right.

I'm very similar to you. No advice but just sending you thoughts of support

Op, running a home is hard. I say that as a 35 year old woman, who took 2 years to get the right routine between me and DH when we started living together. The routine we have still needs tweaking every so often as things change/needs change.

You sound like you are trying very hard. Give yourself some credit for coming here and asking for help. Huge step.

You've been given some fantastic advice. I can't add anything new. I just want to reiterate how useful lists are.

Also, do you have enough money? If you are worried about money speak to the Citizens advice. If you can't face talking they have fantastic links online. They can help you check if you are claiming everything you are entitled to.

Best of luck. Do feel free to come back to Mumsnet any time. We are here to support you.

You sound like you are in the middle of trauma and you're very young to be coping with this alone.

Go to the GP and tell them what you've told us. You've lost family, you live alone, you've given up college and seeing your friends. You need some drugs to help you over this bump and some counselling support.

Go to college and explain what's happened. Could you rejoin the course? If not is there another course? Please be conscious that your education is only free until you are 18 (up to your 19th birthday). Ask to speak to a counsellor

For your home try and do bits when you can and then a day on the weekend to do the rest. But use one of the days to see friends and enjoy things.

I wish you were mine and I'd tackle this all for you.

Grief is bloody exhausting & with everything else too, it’s no wonder you just want to sleep. You sound very brave & you’ve got some really good advice here - I hope your GP’s able to help.

OP as a priority you need to get back to college and get some help with your anxiety.

Can you ring the college tomorrow and get a contact of the counselling service, and also ring your GP about anxiety.

Getting back into education is the main thing you need to do.

OP I don't think the issue is housework at all, it sounds like you and anxious and exhausted. If you are unable to go to your classes then that's the bigger issue. I agree go to a GP and tell them about how you feel and especially about dropping out and see what they give you. I know myself when I've gone through bad patches normal things like cooking and tidying become too much, like you can't muster the energy or make a decision about it. Then you analyse it and feel like a failure because you are not coping but the truth is you are not well right now and just need a little help. Best of luck OP xx

I am terrible at housekeeping but this is a good resource https://www.aslobcomesclean.com/

If have a one bed/small 2 bed it shouldn’t be more than a couple hours cleaning a week, plus an hour laundry, once you have a system in place

But focus on the doctor and college first