I don’t know how to look after myself

[Xoxgossipgirl]

I’m 18 and I live by myself. I have done since I just turned 17. Since then I’ve had to learn how to feed myself, clean etc. But it’s still such a struggle everyday to try and keep on top of everything. I’ve just quit college which I only started in September because it is just too much stress having to keep on top of all the coursework, exams etc, and actually getting up and ready for it so my attendance got to 30%. I try so hard to keep my flat tidy but it all builds up so quickly and it overwhelms me so much to the point I just can’t do anything about it until about one day a week where I’m feeling semi okay I decide enough is enough and clean it all in one big job that takes all day. Then repeat every week in that cycle. I just don’t know how to cope living by myself. Everything is so overwhelming and lonely, I have a boyfriend who comes over a lot and I see my friends occasionally but recently I’ve been so anxious that the thought of going out and seeing anyone other than my boyfriend makes me feel sick, I used to see them everyday I don’t know what’s happened. I’ve lost 2 family members in the last 2 months which obviously hasn’t helped either but I just don’t know what to do. This also has been making me think constantly that life is so short and I’m so scared of dying without doing everything I want to do. I haven’t really lived much of a life so far and I don’t want to start too late. Everything is just too much. Any advice would be so appreciated. Thank you

OP write out a list of household jobs that need doing
Laundry
Washing Up
Kitchen Worktops
Hoovering
Dusting
Change Bedding
Clean Toilet and shower/bath

I'm sure others can add more.

Then draw up a timetable for a week, and each day allocate at least one of these tasks.

For instance, every single day should have
Washing Up - after you've eaten your evening meal. Breakfast and other dishes can be stacked neatly on the side by the sink until you're finished eating, then all washed up in one go.

Then would be a good time to wipe all the kitchen worktops, and the stove top, and clean the kitchen floor. The kitchen is then clean and tidy ready for the next day.

Changing bedding should be at least every 2 weeks , but once a week is best. The old bedding should be washed straight away so it can be dried ready for the bedding change next week.

Your laundry should be done regularly - twice a week maybe to keep on top of it? Don't forget towels need Washing weekly as well.

Dusting and Hoovering can be once a week jobs. Both on Suday afternoon perhaps? Whenever suits you.

As new chores come up add them to your weekly timetable.

Good luck!

Are you registered with a doctor's practice? If so, easiest thing to do is go in and ask to make an appointment. The receptionist will then either make you an appointment, or tell you how to.

I think as soon as the doctor hears that you've given up college and are living on your own trying to cope, they will know what help you need, but maybe someone else on here can advise better on what exactly to say....

I wonder if you would be happier in a shared house rather than living entirely alone. Having people to bounce off and share the load of the housework can make things easier, especially as they wouldn’t want the housework to spiral out of control so would maybe help keep you on track.
Given your age I wonder if the council can find you a house share.

I would try setting a 10 minute timer and choosing one task (eg putting away your clean clothes, or gathering up the dirty plates) and doing as much of that as you can until the timer goes off. And then stopping and relaxing. You can get a lot done in a focused 10 minutes.
Making your bed every morning is a small achievement that starts the day well, and is nicer to get into at night.

Look up your local council youth services, most in my area you can self refer. They should be able to signpost to support services like a mentor or key worker / youth worker service. I know you have friends but it sounds like you might benefit from an adult one to one guidance and support

I left home at 16, it’s a lot to take on. You have done the right thing asking for help, hope you get some support

The losses you’ve experienced may have a role in how you are feeling. Definitely see your GP if you can. Take one day at a time.

COOKING
With cooking maybe find very simple and quick dishes that are easy to make like pasta, baby potatoes - I have an air fryer which has saved so much time - a homemade sauce can be very quick too. Vegetables. Fruits. I’ve had moments when life is quite overwhelming or busy I still have to feed me and the child! So I have a few things that take less than 30 mins in the kitchen. Go with nutritious stuff so you don’t feel sluggish. If you want some taste have 3-4 seasoning ingredients which adds to any veg.

CLEANING
I don’t have much advice apart from getting into a routine where you put back everything as soon as you’ve finished using it. I’m in my early 30s and have to remind myself this when I’m having a busy week otherwise washing piles up and things are left everywhere. Then I dedicate Saturday mornings to a big clean with the hoover and blaring music.

FEELING OVERWHELMED
You mentioned a friend - could you go out for lunch or something with them? Sometimes the hardest thing about living alone is the loneliness. Going for walks and discovering what’s in your area and regularly meeting up with people helps.

Oh bless you, you are very young . We are all still learning to be adults at 18/9 so don't be so hard in yourself. Many people who leave home at your age have huge amounts of support still.

At 18 I lived in catered univerisity halls so all I had to do was keep my room reasonably tidy and do my washing.

At 19 I moved in to a shared house with friends and we lived in barely restrained chaos most of the time. Honestly we would save up pretty much all the cleaning and blitz it once a month. We ate sort of ok but still had access to the subsidised cafes and canteens in the university campus.

I would priotise a few things regularly - washing up after every meal, wiping down surfaces, cleaning the loo, make your bed, a quick spritz of shower spray round the bath/shower after each use can keep your bathroom relatively clean and fresh smelling.

On food make sure you have fruit and salad and learn to cook a few simple, cheap healthy meals - pasta with veg, stir fry, salads, soup, tray bakes etc..

I think you need some help with accessing the GP and what to say so here is a little script.

When you ring up ask fro a GP appointment. the receptionist or care navigator will ask what it is for say "I'm having some issues with my mental health for x weeks and I'm getting worse not better". If they press further "I'm not sure if it's depression or anxiety but I feel unwell and have a very low mood since I had two bereavements I'm not able to cope with Normal life"

When you see the GP you can use this too.

Sending

@verrymerryberry has given some very helpful advice, as have others of course.

My advice:

1. It is always okay to prioritise yourself and your wellbeing - try not to judge yourself or let others pull you from your priorities.
2. Try to stick to a bed time - anything that delays you (e.g. guilt over dishes or replying to messages) will still be there the next day so you might as well sleep. Also, I'm a night owl but do experience poor mental health. Thoughts and emotions feel heavier and darker during the night so ignore the "owlness" if you are one and go to bed.
3. Write a list of how to get ready when you wake up and keep it bedside your bed, e.g. wake up, pee, brush teeth, splash face, deodorant, clothes, breakfast. I have added things like open curtains, put on shoes & coat, medicine etc. When things are chaotic and you don't want to think then lists and routines minimise the decision-making.

Chin up, it will get easier. You must have resilience you didn't even know you had as you've survived this far. Whatever it is in you that got you this far will get you to the next step.

Usually in my experience when people struggle to keep their home clean and tidy it’s because they’ve got too much stuff. If you declutter enough to be able to put everything in cupboards or drawers it will help. And do every little thing as you go along so it doesn’t build up. Do the washing up as soon as you’ve finished eating. Hang your clothes up or put them in the washing basket, don’t leave them on the floor. Tidy round the living room and put plates and glasses by the sink before you go to bed.

If you possibly can go back to college, I think you should. Not just because you’ll be building a better future and using your days productively (although those things are really important) but because there will be a support infrastructure there for you- people whose job it is to make sure you’re ok and point you in the right direction when you need help.

It sounds as though you’ve been through a tough time, so give yourself credit for coming through it. My best friend at school lived on her own from 16. It was really hard for her, and she had a pretty chaotic few years, but omg she’s an amazing woman now. She has a great job and a lovely family, and she’s really sorted and happy. You can do that too. It’s not even beginning to be too late for anything when you’re 17.

I’m going to book a doctors appointment tomorrow. After an argument with a ‘friend’ tonight I’ve realised I’m sick of this cycle and I need to get out of it and do better for myself. It starts tomorrow hopefully

🤗good luck

Oh honey youve been through so much. Im glad you are going to the gp as i instantly thought of depression when I read your post.
You can restart the college you are so young and been through a lot, it will get better but dont give up and ask for help..the college should have someone that students talk to for support, they can help with a plan to get your studies on track. With housework i would have a routine of easy healthy meals on repeat coyld be pasta or eggs or jacket potato in the microwave, rubbish taken out, every day or 2, bed made and window opened daily. A good boyfriend would help, he might not know how but you could ask him for practical support like please help me sweep or help me do the washing up or make you a sandwich and soup or something. Try and go for a walk everyday. You can feel better, please dont give up xxx

Like everyone else posting on here, I think it’s a good idea to go to the GP. I find a good opener is just to say ‘ I’m struggling with my mood’

GPs are usually very good with this, but if by some chance you get one who’s having a bad day and isn’t helpful, make another appointment to see someone else.

Bereavement has a huge impact on people and, among other things, can cause much anxiety. I highly recommend Cruse (cruse.org.uk) who you can ring and ask for a call. I contacted them recently and they suggested that I join a webinar which was so helpful, made so much sense of how I was feeling. I will be getting some counselling from them soon.

Also think it would be a good idea to contact your college - hopefully they’ll have someone who can support someone in your position.

You’ve been having such an awful time and are looking after yourself alone and you’re even keeping on cleaning your home! Huge admiration to you x

Well I think there's a backstory of trauma here.

It's very atypical in 2023 for a 17yo to be living alone.

Most are at home with parents still doing a lot of life admin/housework for them.

Fair enough lots of 18yo go away to uni but that's to a room in halls that is nowhere near as daunting as a whole flat alone.

Policies for kids in care changed to stop them getting kicked out at 16 and supported up to age 26 as recognition that in typical families parents provide support into adulthood.

You've been thrown in the deep end with no life jacket.

This isn't a health problem to be individualised to you. Most would struggle in these circumstances. Medication won't change your environment.

Can you find another college course somewhere that has halls you could move into?

Do you have any family members at all who can support you?

Also if your boyfriend is spending a lot of time at yours he will be creating mess too. Don't be tidying up after him. He should be pulling his weight or he's just using you. Who does he live with? If his parents could you move in with them?

Please go back to the college & speak to your teacher today

The college should also have a pastoral team & a student union group that can offer you support & help

You need to ask for help, nobody will know why you are struggling

Hope you are Ok Op. I struggle to keep on top of my jobs and house at 45. You are doing really well.

You might be able to start an interim course in January to give you some purpose in the meantime but definitely plan to start again in September. Ask your GP for youth support charities in your area who might be able to give you some guidance or counselling?

What course was it OP?

Well done on asking for help and I’m sorry you’ve had to cope with loss when you are so young.

even if you are behind or have actually left college please ring or call in to see them. Go to student services, student support or any pastoral service. You probably had a booklet at induction with who to contact for various issues. It is in the colleges interest to help you to continue your education this year or next.

you should be proud of yourself for managing everything you have - keep going

💐

I hope you have made an appointment today. It is totally ok to say I am
feeling completely overwhelmed and show the doctor your opening post. My GP friend says it’s totally ok to read notes if you are worried. Big hugs to you. You are awesome x

Agree with others about anxiety, and getting help with that. Also, it's okay to not always be on top of everything. I'm not. Some things which might help:

1. Do you need more shelves or other stuff to make it easier being tidy?
2. Do you own things you don't need, which getting rid of means less to tidy?
3. Conversely, are there things you don't have enough of, that creates extra work having to clean/wash certain things too often?
4. Are there times you're trying to do too much? Our brains can create new ideas much faster than we can do them. Some individual ideas take months, years or life long commitment. Deciding what to say no to, and being okay with it, is important for calmness and being organised. Otherwise you have too many lists & stress trying to do it all. I love climbing & bouldering, I've been once this year. Bit sad, but at peace with it. Likewise, I give up boardgames evening over summer for paddle club. I do batch of nice stuff cooking regularly, the spare portions are essential for saving time on busy evenings

I just want you to know I am 38 and have lived away from home since 18 and I live like this, I don't think it's that uncommon?

I do the bare minimum day to day (shove pots in dishwasher mainly) and then end up having huge "clean up days" a couple of times a month. I actually wish I did little bits daily and kept on top of things a bit more but truth be told, I never manage it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hi OP you’ve had some really good advice and seem to plan to speak to a GP, that’s such a great start.
I would also suggest speaking to your college. Do they have a pastoral tutor/counsellor you could talk with about your struggles? It may be called a student well-being officer or pastoral care or something similar. They can certainly help out support in place for you so that you can continue with your course.

One thing I find is that I need to set alarms for everything. So my morning alarm goes off, I get up and have a shower then I have another alarm to let me know it’s time to have breakfast then another when it’s time to leave. It seems excessive but it really helps me keep track of my time.

We also have a planner on the fridge and everything gets written onto it so I can keep track of daily plans.

On my front door I have a list of things we need to take in the mornings. Then my children know what they’ve got to bring. I keep it simple. It says ‘coat, bag, homework, money, phone, folder.’

As for keeping the house clean I find I need structured time for this or else I don’t do it. Every day before dinner I set a 10 minute timer and tidy the living room and kitchen. Just put things away and give surfaces a wipe. I do the same after dinner in the kitchen. You can do this for any room.

With regards to depression I find that if I force myself to have a shower and wash my hair and clean my teeth then I will feel so much better all day. Even if I struggle to do other things I know I’ve done something important for myself. I highly recommend anti depressant, exercise and nature as ways to help.

Sorry this is ridiculous and long! It’s taken me a long time to develop strategies to cope with things I struggle with so I hope you can find something helpful in there to adapt for yourself. Above all else keep pushing onward, sometimes it’s dark but the sun always rises again.

1. Go to GP. Tell GP you have lost 2 family members in couple of months and feeling low in mood, tired and need to sleep a lot. Ask if you could be depressed. The antidepressants do work.

1. Do college know you have had 2 family members die in 2 months? If not tell them. If it's normally a 1 year course ask if you could do it part time over 2 years. Tell college you are going to GP for help. Ask college for support. You will be classified as a vulnerable student as young to be living alone.

1. With the cleaning think it's hard to have to do it all at once so just do 3 jobs each day. Cook yourself a meal. Wash up dishes and wipe over worktop and cooker top/microwave. Either put a clothes wash on or dry, fold and put away clothes. Once a week vacuum and clean kitchen/bathroom floors. You should never have to do housework for more than an hour at a time.

1. Keep seeing your friends and bf or you will feel isolated.

1. Make sure you are claiming any benefits you are entitled to and you can ask college about nurseries for vulnerable people but they are often based on 70 percent attendance.

Hello again

Have you been back to your college to ask for help ?

Have you booked an appointment with your GP & asked for help ?

Hi OP.

Hope today is a brighter day for you