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Original poster

Do people actually want to be sociable these days?

45 replies

Townlife · 18/11/2023 14:00

I'm talking mainly about two friendship groups I'm in, we're in a constant cycle of arranging to meet on WhatsApp, cancelling, rearranging, cancelling!

An example - 4 of us in one group were due to meet for dinner 2 weeks ago, our friend came on WhatsApp a few days before and said she has lots going on with work, can we cancel and she'd be in touch to rearrange. She hasn't, though.

In the other group, 3 of us were due to go out. One cancelled last-minute saying she wasn't well, the other one said 'Let's rearrange when we can all go', then messaged me to suggest meeting for coffee the following week. I texted her the night before to confirm what time, and she'd completely forgotten and now had other plans! I'd also texted the one who wasn't well about the coffee meet, if she was better by then and wanted to join us. She read it that day, but never replied. 🤔

Another friend who I used to see a lot of, always responds and seems keen to meet if I text her, but never initiates now. I've even left it 3 to 4 months thinking she's sure to contact me in that time, but she just ..... doesn't. 🤔 We're only 5 minutes walk from each other!

I see a lot of people generally, through work and 2 hobby groups. I've only known them a few years, but they are by far more sociable and reliable than the people I considered my closest friends!

It's sad, I don't want to lose these friends but I don't feel I can initiate any more as they clearly aren't that bothered! Yes, people do have things going on, I often have my share too, but have never treated friends with this sort of indifference. 🙁

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 18/11/2023 14:02

Friends come and go at different life stages. My bf didn't even send a birthday card last week, or thank me for her daughter's birthday present the week before. I won't be bothering at Christmas

Singleandproud · 18/11/2023 14:02

Are you at different life stages?
I'm meeting up with friends tonight, I WFH and I think since I started doing that I've lost lots of socialising skills and it's often just easier to cancel but I recognize that's not healthy.

Lentilweaver · 18/11/2023 14:19

Mostly. no. I find groups easier in a way. If one person flakes, there are others. But of course, in a group, you can never have a proper conversation.

DatingDinosaur · 18/11/2023 14:26

Me and my group of friends never cancel plans just because one person can't make it. Its rare we can all get together at the same time anyway. We usually catch up with each other individually throughout the month though, even if it's just a quick phone call or text.

Original poster
Townlife · 18/11/2023 14:26

It's hurtful isn't it, Doggymummar. 🙁 The friend who didn't get back to me about meeting for coffee, I stopped doing cards & presents for a while ago. We always used to, then on my 50th birthday she didn't, just said 'Happy Birthday' on Facebook, which I felt was strange.

About 2 weeks later she called out to me from her car when I was dog walking, apparently seeing me 'reminded' her my card & present was still in her porch! We live on the SAME ROAD, so my house is hardly miles away! Anyway, she brought them round that evening, she didn't have time to stop, just a quick chat on doorstep. The following few years she hasn't even put a card through the door, so I've stopped too.

I always make sure people get cards & presents from me on the day, so her not making the effort on my 50th felt really 'cold', suppose.

As for different life stages, we're actually similar, both working, teenage children & dh's. The one who doesn't contact me though, lives on her own, no partner or children. She used to be sociable, but can't seem to be bothered now. Her other close friend has noticed the same, we don't know why.

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 18/11/2023 14:29

I think some people have decided to be less sociable after minimal contact in 2020 and parts of 2021. I think the OP should not continue to make an effort with those who have done so, much as losing friends can be painful.

The one bit of less sociability that I am happy about is much less work socialising outside of times in the office. I work with people who are a pleasure to be with, work hard and look out for each other, but they are not my friends.

Itsenough4now · 18/11/2023 14:29

I do recognise this. Covid has on the whole made people more flakey and willing to cancel minutes before the event. For me, it has been a bigger problem with 'close friends' who I have known for decades, the so called 'ride or die' friends! One has completely fallen off the radar, I would have bet my children (glad I didn't lol) that we would have stayed friends for life.

DatingDinosaur · 18/11/2023 14:30

Just seen your update. We're also late 40s early 50s and there's a lot of peri/menopausal brain fog going about making us all scatty as anything.

margotrose · 18/11/2023 14:30

Personally I think it seems a bit silly to cancel a meal/night out just because one person is unwell or can't make it.

Is there a reason the rest of you don't still go?

usernother · 18/11/2023 14:35

I have a few groups of friends who I have known for 30-40+ years. We all meet up regularly, sometimes for nights out in bars, sometimes walks and sometimes lunch. This all carried on through having children. If someone can't make it the meet ups still go ahead. I'd give up with your friendship group OP, they clearly aren't bothered, and try and make new friends.

bonzaitree · 18/11/2023 14:38

Focus on the people who do want to meet up. If friends are drifting, don’t force it! Go with the flow! X

Original poster
Townlife · 18/11/2023 14:46

Yes, I suppose the Lockdowns were a factor, for some people more than others.

If one person cancels, I generally reply something like 'Oh that's a shame, I'm still happy to go if everyone else is'.

They seem relieved at having an excuse though, ie, 'Tbh I'm so warm indoors and it's so cold out, let's wait until we all can. Or someone else will admit to feeling 'tired/cold coming on etc, let's rearrange'. The rearrangement doesn't happen unless myself or one other instigate, then someone normally cancels again.

I'm bothering with them less, but I want them to know I'm frustrated!

OP posts:
Original poster
Townlife · 19/11/2023 10:53

To the poster who said they've noticed this more with 'long-term, close friends' yes, same for me.
I'm involved in an event after Christmas, in a city very close to us. I shared on Facebook to spread the word, and was happy to see several of my 'newer' friends liked the post, a couple saying they'd definitely come and a few others will if they can. 👍 I also have some family coming, but not one of my 'long-term' friends have even liked the post, I know they're on Facebook daily though!
There's been no fall-out or anything, I'm a fairly quiet person though, the loyal, reliable friend I guess. Maybe they take me for granted due to this.

OP posts:
StiffyByngsDogBartholomew · 19/11/2023 10:55

I have work, Dd with exhaustive activities, a joy-sucking situation with my elderly parents and a DH that works all hours under the sun. So for me any socialising is just another task. So I don't.

Aurasauras · 19/11/2023 11:07

I could have written this post OP and it is upsetting and hurtful. I previously was the friend who often had to say no due to lack of childcare so I can't complain when other people cancel on me but I am now up for every outing and noticing it much more. I think it's post covid slump or something. The upside is I've kade more friends as I was tired of being alone but I miss my friends I spent years getting to know.

hotcandle · 19/11/2023 11:10

As I've got older and my self esteem has got more robust I don't socialise twice with people who I don't want to make an effort for again.

Doublevodka · 19/11/2023 11:30

I think at times it might be that people are just so busy with life, they don’t always have the energy for socialising. I have always loved meeting friends and going out and still do, but after working all week, cooking meals every night, checking teenagers have done homework, reading the 43rd email from teenagers school that week, cleaning the bathroom, doing the ironing and so on and so on, I sometimes can’t face going out. Currently this is made worse by the cost of living, so I have less and less money to go out and socialise.

Mary46 · 19/11/2023 12:28

Op your right. Sick it too. Then people blame covid or menopause. Lol. Find my texts were chasing meetups so I stopped that. Im meeting 2 this week from old job. They reliable.
Have found people cancelling. Then no follow ups. Its beyond draining now!

ManyATrueWord · 19/11/2023 12:33

I've noticed that I am more picky with friends now. I went out to do some shopping with a friend but I noticed that the conversations were - well, boring really. Makes me think twice about going again. I'd rather go out with someone I can spark with. I think we have all become more.discerning. Some things are nice, just not nice enough.

Crinkle77 · 19/11/2023 12:35

Honestly, I can't be bothered going out anymore. I'd much rather stay at home. But I do have CFS and don't sleep well a so lot of it due to not having the energy. However I'll say right from the start not let people down at the last minute.

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 19/11/2023 12:39

Aurasauras · 19/11/2023 11:07

I could have written this post OP and it is upsetting and hurtful. I previously was the friend who often had to say no due to lack of childcare so I can't complain when other people cancel on me but I am now up for every outing and noticing it much more. I think it's post covid slump or something. The upside is I've kade more friends as I was tired of being alone but I miss my friends I spent years getting to know.

Yes I recognise it too. I feel my various groups have improved a bit in the past year but for a while I was really upset. I've lost a few friends along the way but made piece with it now.

My pet hate is when 1 person can't make it and others jump on the opportunity to cancel, it's like they never wanted to in the first place. Then why agree at all? I never cancel if I have an arrangement made unless I absolutely have to, but then I never make an arrangement without thinking it through first. It's not hard! And it's OK to say no too, I just can't stand flakey people they are so bloody selfish!!

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 19/11/2023 12:43

Question for you all - how many times is too much or acceptable to chase someone to reschedule or initiate contact? At what point do you say fuck it, but know deep down they will never come back to you and you have just lost a friend.

Bosca · 19/11/2023 12:52

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 19/11/2023 12:39

Yes I recognise it too. I feel my various groups have improved a bit in the past year but for a while I was really upset. I've lost a few friends along the way but made piece with it now.

My pet hate is when 1 person can't make it and others jump on the opportunity to cancel, it's like they never wanted to in the first place. Then why agree at all? I never cancel if I have an arrangement made unless I absolutely have to, but then I never make an arrangement without thinking it through first. It's not hard! And it's OK to say no too, I just can't stand flakey people they are so bloody selfish!!

Show quote history

Well, if Mn is any social barometer, people seem to prefer to get into their pyjamas at 5 pm, occasionally feel they should accept an invitation, but are secretly thrilled when there’s the slightest excuse to cancel, because what they actually want to be is be cocooned on the sofa.

JamSou · 19/11/2023 12:54

I went on a short historical walk earlier in the year. It was a lovely summers day, and we were all invited for coffee afterwards across the road. Only one person wanted to go (me!) and I’m not even that “sociable”.

In one sense I get it. These were older people, mostly retired and maybe just wanted to get home, go shopping, etc, I guess. But it was also a little bit sad …

Mary46 · 19/11/2023 13:03

Alala I think if a pattern of cancelling I do slow fade. However if they genuine I do try re arrange but then u feel your the one doing all the arranging side of it......