Do people actually want to be sociable these days?

[Townlife]

I'm talking mainly about two friendship groups I'm in, we're in a constant cycle of arranging to meet on WhatsApp, cancelling, rearranging, cancelling!

An example - 4 of us in one group were due to meet for dinner 2 weeks ago, our friend came on WhatsApp a few days before and said she has lots going on with work, can we cancel and she'd be in touch to rearrange. She hasn't, though.

In the other group, 3 of us were due to go out. One cancelled last-minute saying she wasn't well, the other one said 'Let's rearrange when we can all go', then messaged me to suggest meeting for coffee the following week. I texted her the night before to confirm what time, and she'd completely forgotten and now had other plans! I'd also texted the one who wasn't well about the coffee meet, if she was better by then and wanted to join us. She read it that day, but never replied. 🤔

Another friend who I used to see a lot of, always responds and seems keen to meet if I text her, but never initiates now. I've even left it 3 to 4 months thinking she's sure to contact me in that time, but she just ..... doesn't. 🤔 We're only 5 minutes walk from each other!

I see a lot of people generally, through work and 2 hobby groups. I've only known them a few years, but they are by far more sociable and reliable than the people I considered my closest friends!

It's sad, I don't want to lose these friends but I don't feel I can initiate any more as they clearly aren't that bothered! Yes, people do have things going on, I often have my share too, but have never treated friends with this sort of indifference. 🙁

My friends and I go out less. Life is a lot, and people are knackered from work and have less money. But we're honest about it. Flakiness annoys me. I get that.

yeah I agree
it's definitely got worse since the lockdowns.

I don't care if people don't want to meet up, I'm an introvert myself, it's the flakiness and last minute drop outs that I find rude. There are always threads on here when someone doesn't want to go to something they've agreed to filled with posters encouraging them not to bother, stay home, it's their life, do what makes you happy etc., which is fair enough but I wonder if there's an overlap between them and the equally common 'I don't have any friends,' threads. Not to mention the 'I hate work Christmas parties/hen dos/group holiday' posters.

Again, it's fine (great even) to be happy in your own company but lots of people don't seem to want to make the slightest effort with others and then seem surprised that nobody can be bothered with them!

Then there's all the complaining about being left out of things and 'bullied' but I'll happily admit to doing so - I had a fairly big group chat of about 10 women but trying to organise anything was a nightmare - obviously with that many people it's hard to get a date everyone can do anyway but people would sulk if we went for the one that was best for the majority and they couldn't make.

Then we'd finally set a date, often months in advance, and the day or even just hours before half of them always dropped out - and often the ones we'd made the effort to work around their commitments! After a few goes of this about 5 of us (the ones that always made the effort) made a separate group chat whereby we arrange a date that's good for us, then tell the others, if they can make it, great, if not we aren't bending over backwards to accommodate. I'm sure they could complain on MN that they've bee excluded or whatever but they brought it completely on themselves!

I'd maybe put one last message to them OP, saying something like 'I feel like we haven't seen each other for months, we're starting to feel like strangers! Shall we make the effort to actually meet up over Christmas?' and see what comes back - if they feel the same and have just been busy that might give them the kick up the arse, if they don't reply or are non-committal or suggest leaving it until January then you know where you stand and can concentrate on less flaky friends.

You sound similar to me, 'EasylikeaSunday,'! I'm also a bit introverted, but I value my friendships and often instigate meet-ups. Also, if I agree to doing something that date goes in the diary and I stick to it (obviously barring illness etc)' but that is an exception.

I'm tempted to put that message on WhatsApp about meeting up before Xmas, I'll have my answer then, if they're not willing to commit.

I felt a bit upset recently, as when my children were at school I was friendly with another school mum who still lives very near us. Our children are adults now, but we spent a lot of time together on school runs/playdates etc. I kept in touch afterwards as I felt our friendship extended beyond the school gate!

She never initiated contact though, so I gave up in the end as it felt very one-way. I still see her around but other than 'Hi, how are you?' she doesn't really go beyond that. I bumped into her with my dd recently, and she stopped to ask dd about something she's selling via Facebook. She said Hi to me but not much else, then said goodbye to dd (not to me), saying she'll be in touch.
She used to be all over me back in their schooldays, often asking for favours (me to collect her kids from school/parties etc. as she worked a lot).
I think she was just using me, she certainly isn't bothered now. 🤔

I think Covid and lock down has made everyone over the age of 25 or youthful energy types, "lazy" - as in I've got used to working at home, I realise how horrible public transport, getting home, hassle of rainy walk to pub/work is - so its just easier to stay at home.

Everywhere seems so much busier

I find as I get older I'm quite happy at home. DH is here

I work and am out most of the day all week so I've become more insular

Everywhere seems to be bustling. London yesterday, small town in SE today with dingy fast food strips- busy, busy.

Yep same here. It’s frustrating and upsetting. We’ve two sets of couple friends they both know I’m having a bad time with family illness at the moment, one lot has text a couple of times the other we haven’t heard from for four week now. Don’t know what to do next to be honest.

The things that are working for me and my social circle (a few friends from here, there and everywhere) is doing things quite spontaneously, and just going whoever wants to come. We have discovered if we wait for that perfect night where 6 people can come, 4 will have dropped out, so now we just arrange it that week, those that can come come and those that aren't sure/don't, don't. I've also started doing spontaneous things- so texting a friend in the afternoon for a drink that evening somewhere very local (knowing they have childcare) or going over to a friend's with an hour notice for a coffee.

We can't seem to get organized but we still seem to value friends, so this is what's working for now, with the odd planned meet up but very occasionally.

That's inconsiderate of your friends, Limetree. 🤔 I had similar earlier this year, happened to bump into a friend in town and she said 'Oh I've been meaning to call you'. 🤔 The same 'friend' who, last time I texted to suggest meeting, replied 'That's really weird, I was going to text YOU tonight!' I didn't believe it, it was about 9 pm when I texted, so I doubt she had any intention of doing it that night! People have become v lazy, socially.

Maybe that's the best way, Blinkity, as dates in the diary several weeks ahead clearly aren't working for our group, they just treat them as sn option!

I know what you mean OP, I've got a group of friends like this as well. I'm usually the organiser, which I don't mind, but sometimes I feel bad, like I've made them come when they'd rather be elsewhere. Not to mention the "one person cancels, everyone else gratefully jumps on" thing. Yet I feel like we all have a good time when we are there, and they are glad they came in the end. So I keep organising things, not too often, about once every 1-2 months.

Last year I made a friend who actually likes to hang out and initiates with me. It's such a breath of fresh air!

God, I am so sick of being the organiser. I am giving myself a break from it. Which means I won't ever see anyone.

I think so much is done over social media, and it's 'easier' so people will gravitate towards that than making the effort. You also feel more connected to people so the need to meet up isn't as strong, because people's lives are plastered all over Facebook and instagram.

I personally love meeting up face to face, but my social circle is a lot smaller because of the above. I only tend to meet up with my closest friends. But again people's lives change and it could be you're just all in different stages. But it can be hurtful if you will make the effort and it feels that they aren't

I do think people have changed a lot after lockdown.

Yes, so many of my friends are happy just texting back and forth, or having phone calls. I hate online friendships, though.

I only have online/text friendships with people who live too far for a coffee. If someone lived in my area and only texted me, I wouldn't bother being friends! I am not a demanding friend, I'm busy myself and am happy for weeks/months to slip by as long as when offered an opportunity to hang out, we all jump at it. I think it's about enthusiasm and willingness to get together, not how often. I also have a lot of international friends so they go abroad in the holidays to see family/for work, so we don't do anything regularly, but when a night comes up, or a lunch, we all work hard to make it happen.

Spontaneous is the way forward I think!

I have dropped people who live in my area but only want to text or worse, Zoom! We all have grown up kids, so it's not like they don't have the time.

Yes Lentil I do cinema and things alone just less stress. I did meet a friend yesterday. Another takes weeks for her to commit. You def feel a year could pass and see nobody. People are flakes

I think it's all of the above...plus it's very easy to flake and cancel by text, whereas in the days when you had to actually ring someone and say you couldn't make it, that was harder to do, so we didn't. Alongside which we all now think we know what's going on in each other's lives because of SM, whereas previously if we wanted to know what was going on for them we needed to talk - in person or at the very least by phone.

It seems weird in a way. When Covid was around we were cross at not being able to go out! Now people don't seem to want to. Well not everyone feels like that. I was at a Panto recently with friends and we meet regularly for book club, even though a couple of them are very busy. Both retired but one in particular is always off on walks and watching films.

I just do coffees now. Less hassle. Wont book big things concerts etc as people too flaky about it. Cinema will text my friend if Im going.