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Original poster

Ds 7 friends mum wants him all the time

40 replies

Beansandcheesearegood · 18/11/2023 08:51

My ds 7 has a number of close friends, one of them is an only child and mum is very hands on playing for hours with him. My ds has been to theirs a few tines over summer and their ds to ours of summer. The mum always keeps my ds longer than arranged- picked up from school last Friday and didn't cone hone until 7:45pm after 6:30pm being the arranged time. My ds loves it there but is so tired by then. The 2 boys mainly play the switch & by sounds of it not much else.

On drop off she always says the boys have arranged xyz. So this time she tells me a sleep over next Friday , she will pick up from school and have my ds until Saturday night- she then joked in front of boys that they would have him until Sunday night and thiscould be a regular thing. She always says it's easier to have him too and he's a good influence on her son who is very adult orientated and quite serious.

It's becoming a little awkward though as she decides things and it's too much. We have other dc and plans next weekend and honestly she's putting me off letting him go at all! I'm not a big fan of sleep overs either. ds has other interests and other friends he sees yoo but her child doesnt do any clubs etc. He is not SEN. Wwyd? She's lovely,always wanted more kids and is a friend.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 18/11/2023 08:54

I would start by collecting him yourself at the arranged time to set some boundaries. And definitely do not allow the weekend to go ahead if you already have plans. She sounds well meaning, just a bit too much! She probably thinks she's doing you a favour but needs to appreciate she can't always decide plans for you.

Shinyandnew1 · 18/11/2023 08:54

I can see it’s annoying, but just take back control a bit. Pick your son up instead of her dropping her at yours, then. It’ll happen at the time you wanted. When she says we’ll do a sleepover next Friday, say, ‘oh that sounds nice-the date is ringing a bell though, I’ll have to check the calendar and get back to go-we might be busy’ and then talk to your son about what you are going to do.

Patchworksack · 18/11/2023 08:54

You arrive at the arranged time to pick him up, you say ‘not next weekend, sorry’ if you have other plans. Other than that be thankful he has a nice friendship where you like/trust the parent to look after him? It’s probably easier for her to have two kids that get in and entertain each other than one who is wanting to be entertained all day.

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fourelementary · 18/11/2023 08:55

What does your son think? It’s easy enough to say “yes he can sleep over Friday but we have plans so he’ll be picked up at X o’clock on the Saturday.”
Tbh it’s not bad if her to enjoy the peace she probably gets from having him there to entertain her son… I used to always encourage play dates as I found my kids enjoyed company and if one had a friend over the other was better with one soo- so I’d have four kids for play and tea etc… plus a toddler at the time, and then being pregnant and having a toddler. So I’d get comments about why I was making more work for myself, but other than supplying extra food it felt like less work…
But see what your son says and maybe say to the mum you feel bad but it isn’t able to be fully reciprocated?

Crunchymum · 18/11/2023 08:57

Surely you meant to say "there are no SEN / child doesn't have any SEN" no-one is or is not SEN.

WhatsThePurposeOfLife · 18/11/2023 08:57

Assert some boundaries. Work out what works for you and stick to it. Make sure you do the collecting. Anytime she suggests something that isn't going to work just say oh that's a lovely idea but it isn't going to work for us.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 18/11/2023 08:59

You just need to say clearly "I will pick him up at 6pm" or "We have plans next Saturday so I will collect him at 10am", and stick to them.

Crunchymum · 18/11/2023 08:59

And in answer to your actual issue.

I hope you said no to the sleepover and then told the mum to run any plans by you before she tells the boys as you have other kids / activities to consider.

Snowfalling · 18/11/2023 09:01

start by cancelling the sleepover, this os very presumptuous of her. And tell her she needs to arrange things with YOU, not with a 7 year old. Tell her you have family things on and also need time together as a family. this woman sounds a bit entitled to your ds.

Hereforthebunfights · 18/11/2023 09:01

Just say no to stuff you don't want to happen.

arethereanyleftatall · 18/11/2023 09:04

'That sounds lovely, let me check my calendar and get back to you.'

'Ah, no, Bob is going fishing with his dad that day. Another time though?'

Beautiful3 · 18/11/2023 09:08

She sounds lovely. However she should be asking you, not telling you! I'd say, " not next weekend because we already have plans. Could do the weekend after?" You could start collecting him, to ensure he comes home on time?

Violetparis · 18/11/2023 09:14

I don't think she sounds lovely, she sounds thoughtless and controlling. She wants your son there more to keep her son entertained, this is understandable but not fair on you and your family. You need to stop letting her plan your son's life.

Original poster
Beansandcheesearegood · 18/11/2023 09:17

I should add I offered to collect my ds 3 times. I will just go get him next time. I think intentions are good but it's a bit controlling too, my ds seems keen at time but then much less so later when on his own.

OP posts:
32PlusMinus · 18/11/2023 09:19

No way is this lovely Hmm.

There is a good reason that OP feels put out and on her back foot. This other mum, a so called friend, is using OP's son as a quasi sibling for her son. She oversteps normal social boundaries and manipulates the situation by telling the children about the sleepover, rather than checking in with OP first. She has obviously no right or business to keep your son longer than agreed, so OP, please start picking your son up at the agreed time and decline some of the suggested get togethers. You need to be assertive, clearly this other woman is. I'd start stepping away a bit and nurturing other friendships and activities. Some parents are a bit mad.

32PlusMinus · 18/11/2023 09:23

@Beansandcheesearegood you son has by now picked up on the fact that he is being used by another adult. That's why he is into the idea of meeting up at first (the other mum manipulates him into it, hard to withstand if you are a child) but later comes home feeling that he spent his afternoon fulfilling a job , the job of keeping the other mum's son entertained. Whether she realises it or not, the other woman is a taker, selfish and controlling. She sees your son as useful to fulfil a function that helps her and her family set up. Keep her at arm's length

TheAbsurd · 18/11/2023 09:27

That’s not fair on your son and he is going to be tired if he is having to stay too late. I wouldn’t be keen on the sleepover either. She can’t tell you it’s for the whole weekend!

Changingplace · 18/11/2023 09:31

Beansandcheesearegood · 18/11/2023 09:17

I should add I offered to collect my ds 3 times. I will just go get him next time. I think intentions are good but it's a bit controlling too, my ds seems keen at time but then much less so later when on his own.

Don’t offer, tell her that’s what’s happening - ‘I’ll be round at 6pm to get him, see you then’ end of conversation, stop allowing her to dictate everything, or say no if you don’t want him to go this time.

Chellybelle · 18/11/2023 10:04

I had this with one of my son's friend's mums. She asked to have my child Thursday to Saturday as a regular thing. I said no to sleepovers on a school night but didn't mind the odd Saturday night. But then she wanted him every Saturday night. It was very strange. I just started saying no more often and said that we had plans until she backed off. She then latched on to another school mum and had their son for regular sleepovers. Just say no and always have an excuse till she gets the picture.

WhatsThePurposeOfLife · 18/11/2023 18:10

I should add I offered to collect my ds 3 times. I will just go get him next time.
Don't offer. Tell her. You can still tell her in a polite way....not that it has to be particularly polite but it seems like you struggle to say what you want.

Noicant · 18/11/2023 18:13

Just go get him at the correct time and then say “can’t stay, got to run, got stuff on”.

If she says she’s arranged something just say “I need to get back to you I think we may have something in the diary, I’ll text you”.

Miri42 · 18/11/2023 18:17

It’s probably just because her DS gets bored on his own and maybe thinks she’s doing you a favour too, I’d just be more clear to her that you would like your DS back by x time and when your busy

Rjahdhdvd · 18/11/2023 18:19

It sounds like having your DS there gives her a break. I’d be a bit more firm and just say sorry we’ve got plans or arrange to collect your DS rather than wait on her to drop off.

Beamur · 18/11/2023 18:21

Just say no. Pick him up - if she resists, be honest and say it's inconvenient when she drops him off late as you have other children to consider too.
Also no to arranging sleepovers without asking you first.

peppermintcrisp · 18/11/2023 18:28

Yes I have the same problem atm. I have pulled right back. It feels like my DS is being used as a tool for them and not as person if that makes sense?

My DS has been crying because I said he couldn't stay over. The DM asks all the boys if they want to stay over and then asks me to drop over their stuff without even asking if I am OK to do thus or if they can do this!?

I am even second guessing myself
now and thinking she is trying to fall out with me and doesn't actually want DS to stay over.🤣