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Original poster

Ds 7 friends mum wants him all the time

40 replies

Beansandcheesearegood · 18/11/2023 08:51

My ds 7 has a number of close friends, one of them is an only child and mum is very hands on playing for hours with him. My ds has been to theirs a few tines over summer and their ds to ours of summer. The mum always keeps my ds longer than arranged- picked up from school last Friday and didn't cone hone until 7:45pm after 6:30pm being the arranged time. My ds loves it there but is so tired by then. The 2 boys mainly play the switch & by sounds of it not much else.

On drop off she always says the boys have arranged xyz. So this time she tells me a sleep over next Friday , she will pick up from school and have my ds until Saturday night- she then joked in front of boys that they would have him until Sunday night and thiscould be a regular thing. She always says it's easier to have him too and he's a good influence on her son who is very adult orientated and quite serious.

It's becoming a little awkward though as she decides things and it's too much. We have other dc and plans next weekend and honestly she's putting me off letting him go at all! I'm not a big fan of sleep overs either. ds has other interests and other friends he sees yoo but her child doesnt do any clubs etc. He is not SEN. Wwyd? She's lovely,always wanted more kids and is a friend.

OP posts:
Parentofeanda · 18/11/2023 18:41

Honestly... It might be a mother tearing her hair out at her child needing constant supervision and adult attention that she might enjoy the break your son gives her 😂 honestly yes you need to pull the reigns on that font work for you but it may be just as simple as her generally enjoying the peace when your son is entertaining hers. I understand that feeling

nameychanger5678 · 18/11/2023 18:47

Following as I have this exact problem! It’s actually such a shame because the mum
snd I had become good pals - or so I thought. I’m now starting to realise it’s always visit her DC - as pp said above it’s a “quasi sibling” situation.

Ducksurprise · 18/11/2023 18:47

I have had this a lot , and have posted on here years ago (I have six)

My children are not a sibling library from which they can be borrowed on the whim of another parent.
I do not require my children to be away from me, and whilst they do stay at friends it is always more work rather than less, so it isn't a favour.

She doesn't sound lovely, she is using your son. The only answer I have found over the years is to withdraw until they find another person to target.

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nameychanger5678 · 18/11/2023 18:49

Ducksurprise · 18/11/2023 18:47

I have had this a lot , and have posted on here years ago (I have six)

My children are not a sibling library from which they can be borrowed on the whim of another parent.
I do not require my children to be away from me, and whilst they do stay at friends it is always more work rather than less, so it isn't a favour.

She doesn't sound lovely, she is using your son. The only answer I have found over the years is to withdraw until they find another person to target.

Edited

The thing is as well it makes you feel as though they are doing you the favour and so you feel like you have to reciprocate too. My eyes have been opened I always thought I was just being really grumpy

peppermintcrisp · 18/11/2023 18:54

Yes I agree it is not a favour!

leccybill · 18/11/2023 18:54

Aw I am slightly the other mum here a bit except our DDs are 13 and I am very mindful of not appearing like the mum you describe. I (regretfully) only have DD and I love having her friends round and like to treat them to nice dinners, snacks etc, but I always respect the time other mums want them back. It's so nice to see DD being a kid outside of adult-only company.

Personally I think 7 is too young for sleepovers, 10 is ok.
Odd that the other DS doesn't go to clubs and hobbies, as an only? DD does everything! Partly for company, partly because I can afford it with only having her, plus I can do all the lifts. Other mums appreciate this!

lommuerm · 18/11/2023 19:01

To be honest I've been in this situation and it was easier to just distance ourselves until they stopped inviting us for play dates. It was rude to keep such a young child over so late and I have no patience in enforcing boundaries with an adult, it's tedious enough with the dc. My dc had plenty of other friends so was fine with it and we prefer to have good quality activities organised as a family than hours of screen time. It was an only child in our case too and it's often the case the parent is looking for a free play mate for their dc and to keep them occupied, so it's more about their dc's needs than a genuine friendship.

HonoriaLucastaDelagardie · 18/11/2023 19:26

It’s probably easier for her to have two kids that get in and entertain each other than one who is wanting to be entertained all day.

She needs to start teaching him to entertain himself. A 7yo shouldn't need to be constantly entertined by an adult, as long as he's got access to books/art materials/Lego/whatever else 7yos do or play with at home.

Primproperpenny · 18/11/2023 19:57

This is odd. You need to be a lot more assertive. He’s your child!

Jellybean23 · 18/11/2023 20:26

Time to put your foot down. Talk to your son, find out how he REALLY feels about these long visits and emphasise that nothing is to be arranged before he has asked you and daddy first.
Your friend is manipulating you, presenting the dates as a done deal in front of the boys so you feel you can't do other than agree. Please don't make up excuses for refusing her - tell her the dates are too long and you are cutting back.

secular37 · 18/11/2023 20:34

Violetparis · 18/11/2023 09:14

I don't think she sounds lovely, she sounds thoughtless and controlling. She wants your son there more to keep her son entertained, this is understandable but not fair on you and your family. You need to stop letting her plan your son's life.

I agree. She does not sound lovely at all. I had a friend like this and it was too much as we had plans and I felt compelled to drop my existing plans so that her son and mine could have play dates. It got to the point where it was happening every weekends. I had enough and put some boundaries. Since then, she wishes to have nothing to do with us, it was sad for DS and the boys got on well but at least we had our weekends back.

secular37 · 18/11/2023 20:35

Beansandcheesearegood · 18/11/2023 09:17

I should add I offered to collect my ds 3 times. I will just go get him next time. I think intentions are good but it's a bit controlling too, my ds seems keen at time but then much less so later when on his own.

OP, I don't understand this. You are being a push over. It is your child. All you do is drive round there, knock on her front day and say that you are collecting your son. Thank

Mrgrinch · 18/11/2023 20:37

Honestly you just need to learn to say no.

nameychanger5678 · 04/06/2024 02:04

Hi OP, how are things now? Our situation has become worse. The friend has started turning up to my Ds's clubs without being invited. I am starting to worry it has become a bit obessesive. I am slightly at my wits end.

TheM55 · 04/06/2024 03:43

It can work, but having been on the receiving end of it with my two, you need to keep your guard up as to whether it is what the other parents want selfishly or whether what is what your child (or in fact their child wants) and whether there is any reciprocation expected. We were pressurised quite regularly to let my two sleep over at a friends house (similar age) "kids are all having a fun time, let them have tea at ours and then they can have a sleepover". Don't get me wrong, knew the parents, sounds great, and was not at all worried about them sleeping there, I sometimes said not sure but sometimes I was put under a lot of pressure to make it happen. I also had their kids over at mine, but less so than theirs. Although nothing untoward happened, and I need to make that clear, it was, looking back on it, entertainment to keep their kids occupied who were actually quite difficult behaviourally and used to ignore or be mean to the younger of the two (my oldest was bulletproof). My youngest has since said her heart used to sink when they were asking, and I used to say yes, that sounds lovely, what a great idea, and then off they went. If your child is murmuring some discontent at any arrangements, then it is time to reconsider politely. It is easier to look after two than one. If it is all fine, then fine, if your gut is telling you otherwise, then listen to it. xx

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